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It had been a long day. A day filled with silence, tears, fogginess, and a stinging sense of failure and self-hatred.
These days were common after the killing game, for both Shuichi and Kokichi. They would come normally in waves that lasted about a week, and once the familiar feeling they gave had set in, it was impossible to escape.
The most they could do was give up, let themself sink into the despair they were feeling, and just wait for it to go away. They let their mistakes from the past killing game replay over and over again in their heads, and they let the awful feeling of basically being a fake personality made up for entertainment wash them away. They felt powerless as everything overwhelmed them so much, and they couldn’t even really take care of themselves during these times. It was too hard to get out of bed when their heads were pounding and filling them with dread. And in most cases it was hard to even convince themselves they deserved to feel taken care of anyway.
Therefore, they needed their lover to stay with them, to help them. Kokichi vowed he would stay with Shuichi whenever he liked and Shuichi promised as well. Their relationship wasn’t perfect, sure. But the care and unconditional love they felt given to them on these bad days made up for any arguments or disagreements that could possibly happen in the future.
And today, Shuichi was the one that was receiving that extra love. His anxiety had skyrocketed lately because of a nightmare he had, his brain convincing him he was back in that awful killing game, his friends around him dead and the blame settling on him for just being so useless. It took some time to calm his frantic breathing and even more time to realize that Kokichi was here, he was real. He didn’t die in that place. Everything was okay.
Kind of. Everything was kind of okay.
The effect of the nightmare still stayed in Shuichi’s head long after it had ended, leaving him feeling weak and depressed. He couldn’t even count all the thoughts roaming in his head, they were too painful and too numerous and he just wanted to stop feeling. It all felt pointless, all they went through. So they all survived and the game was just a virtual reality, but the trauma remained, and Shuichi couldn’t save any of the other contestants from that. He had to watch as they went through therapy and kept adjusting their medications, while he knew in the back of his mind that if he had just ended this killing game sooner, so many more people would’ve been fine. He felt pathetic, and at some level disgusted with himself for not speaking up sooner-
“Shuichi, you better not be thinking all those dumb thoughts again” Kokichi reminded, his voice light, but his tone accusatory.
Shuichi opened his eyes. He almost forgot they were closed, just like he almost forgot where he was for a second. Laying in Kokichi’s arms, being the little spoon despite being much taller than him. It was a relief to feel Kokichi’s soft touches against his back and through his hair, grounding him to reality.
The “dumb” thoughts didn’t stop, not at all, but Shuichi tried to calm himself by focusing on Kokichi’s soft movements instead of the guilt eating him up inside. And he took deep breaths, remembering the breathing pattern of 4-7-8.
Unfortunately, it didn’t help as much as he hoped. With every second, the thoughts came back with more power. He tried his best to keep them at bay, but it was tiring fighting them off.
Speaking of getting tired..
“Kokichi, we have to get out of bed soon...” Shuichi whispered. It was nearing about 2 am and they both had to get ready for bed, he would hate for Kokichi to miss out on any sleep because of him. Kokichi wasn’t sleeping well lately, and Shuichi would just be a burden by making him stay up later, wouldn’t he? He couldn’t save him in the game, he should at least try to help him now,when he was so much in debt and Kokichi was such a wonderful lover-
“No” Kokichi mumbled,“I’m still your supreme leader and I’m ordering you to cuddle with me until you feel better.” He pulled Shuichi closer to his chest, “Now shush, you’re thinking too much.”
Thinking too much felt like all Shuichi knew how to do anymore. He felt so stupid.
“I, I know. I’m sorry.” he muttered, embarrassed by his own anxiety. He accepted the close contact Kokichi gave him with gratitude, letting out a satisfied sigh when he realized he could hear Kokichi’s heartbeat now. A reminder that he was here, and alive. Just one less thing for Shuichi to worry about.
“And stop saying sorry,” Kokichi continued, “there’s nothing to apologize for, beloved.”
The word bubbled up in Shuichi’s throat regardless. But he stayed strong and bit his tongue. Besides, he really didn’t feel like talking anymore. It was too tiring.
So instead of speaking, he paid attention to Kokichi yet again, this time focusing on him playing with his hair. The gentle motion that seemed to go into a pattern. Up and down then right and left, like Kokichi was trying to touch every inch of his hair, not letting a single spot be forgotten.
Shuichi tried his best to lose himself in the sensation, replacing his anxious thoughts with the feeling of being comforted, taking deep breaths until his breathing became steady. He closed his eyes again, and desperately tried to relax, a feeling that slowly came to him as the petting continued on.
Until Kokichi’s hand froze. The type of sudden action he would only do when he had an idea.
“Do you want to take a bath together?” he suggested, his smile lighting up in his voice, “I know you love sappy things like that, and It’ll calm you down wayyy more than this!”
It’s true... Shuichi loved baths. Kokichi loved them too. Especially on days like this, it’s always nice to be bathed by your lover, someone you trust, someone you care for.
And well, Shuichi hadn’t been paying attention to his personal hygiene as much as he should lately... A bath sounded really nice right now.
The only question left was really if he deserved it. Shuichi didn’t have much energy to wash himself, Kokichi would have to do all the work. Kokichi knew that, of course, and he’s done it before, Shuichi’s even done it for him too. But with a foggy mind filled with self doubt and self criticism, Shuichi couldn't really bring himself to admit that he was allowed to indulge in such a soothing and selfish activity.
Kokichi shifted their cuddling position, moving enough that he would still be holding Shuichi but now he could look into his eyes too. Eye contact was still difficult for Shuichi, so though he did open his eyes, he instinctively shifted them away. But it didn’t seem like Kokichi minded, as he didn’t mention the anxious reaction.
“Shuuuiiccchhi, let me take care of you!” he insisted, “I’m your boyfriend, duh. I’m supposed to do the lovey-dovey stuff with you!”
The look in his eyes was so sincere and caring, Shuichi could see that from the corner of his eye. It made his heart feel a bit warm, though it was always hard for sweet words to sink in when he’s in such a depressed state.
But he tried, he tried to understand and work his way through the words he was given. Kokichi was just being a good boyfriend, and Shuichi didn’t need to feel bad for accepting that. He can let himself be taken care of, it didn’t make him useless, he just needed help. And that was okay. Right?
He felt like he’s heard that reasoning hundreds of times before, he probably has. It was just difficult to really believe right now. All those positive thoughts had to make their way through a layer of fog and depression before even getting the chance to make sense.
Nonetheless, he attempted to force away the fog, which was an incredible accomplishment for him. He focused on the idea that Kokichi was giving him, that it was okay to accept the offer of a bath. It was okay to accept help.
He still didn’t believe it, but he trusted Kokichi.
So finally, he nodded.
Kokichi's smile slowly grew wider, an amazing sight Shuichi loved to see.
“O-kay, I’ll help you up!” he announced, beginning to move away from cuddling and beginning to sit up. Shuichi almost felt empty at the loss of contact until Kokichi gently took his hands and pulled him into a sitting position as well.
Shuichi unfortunately felt all the energy he had drain out of him with just that simple movement. But he kept going, letting Kokichi practically drag him off of the bed and to their shared bathroom.
It was hard to walk, especially when he was so used to laying down, but with Kokichi helping him around, it was a little better. Though that didn’t really get rid of the extreme dislike he had for standing once Kokichi let go of his hand. Or the exhausted feeling he had that told him he most likely wouldn’t be able to undress himself.
He didn’t want to ask Kokichi to help him undress, that was much too embarrassing. And he didn’t feel like talking to explain, he was much more comfortable staying quiet...
Luckily, Kokichi already had an idea of what was going on. “Can I help you?” he asked, touching the edge of Shuichi’s shirt to explain his question.
Shuichi nodded and Kokichi quickly began to undress him, seeming to understand that Shuichi hated standing at this point. He didn’t make any jokes or tease like he usually would when they took normal baths together, just focusing on getting Shuichi into the bath as soon as possible. He even multitasked at one point, using one hand to slide off Shuichi’s pants and the other to turn on the water.
Shuichi really didn’t know how to express how grateful he was for these actions. He hoped Kokichi understood. Or at least hoped he would have the energy to tell him later.
Nonetheless, he slowly entered the bathtub and felt immediately comforted. The water was the perfect warm temperature and was easy to sink into. He wanted to close his eyes, but he didn’t, in fear of falling asleep. It was such a tempting thought though..
He had been so very tired lately, despite how much he slept. All he wanted to do was rest with Kokichi, and dream away all the pain he felt otherwise. Dream about a world where they never went through the killing game...where there were no horrible mistakes made or waves of depression days. Just him and Kokichi going on a date outside, peacefully, without being recognized by obsessed Danganronpa fans.
Though, Shuichi guessed this current scenario could be okay too. Despite the pain his mind was going through, seeing Kokichi climb into the bath holding a yellow rubber duck with a black tie, made him genuinely smile.
“What?” Kokichi teased, “You just expected me to not bring Mr. Duck into the bath with us?”
Well, no. Honestly, Shuichi just kind of forgot their tradition of the rubber duck. He had much more pressing and intense thoughts on his mind. Though remembering that was like a breath of fresh air. Alone with Kokichi’s smile, it made everything feel just a bit better.
“Wow, you’re really cute when you smile, Shuichi!” Kokichi admired, turning off the warm water before he took Shuichi’s hands yet again.
Shuichi did not believe anything about him was cute right now. But the compliment still felt nice, he supposed. He even managed to look into Kokichi’s bright eyes for a second.
“Can I wash you?” he asked, in a much softer voice. Consent was always important in this step, especially when Shuichi was in such a fragile state. Any unexpected touches like that could frighten him.
Shuichi nodded, yet again, silently wishing he had the ability to speak like he usually did. But he had to be patient with himself, he knew talking was too hard right now. Forcing it would just make it worse.
Kokichi leaned in to kiss his cheek as a response. He started lathering soap in his hands and began washing Shuichi’s whole body, gently, thoroughly. Each touch felt like a massage, when really it was just a soft and quick pressure. He even planted kisses on the places he knew Shuichi loved to be kissed. His neck, his hands..
It was so wholesome, so nice…
“Relax, beloved.” Kokichi whispered, looking at Shuichi with eyes filled of love, running his hands up and down Shuichi’s chest.
Really, Shuichi thought he was relaxing a little too much. 3 minutes into the process, he had given up on not closing his eyes. Every few seconds, he would drift away into possible sleep,closing his eyes and only coming back to reality as he refocused on Kokichi’s touches. Strangely, his bad thoughts started to disappear, not entirely, but enough to let him rest.
Eventually, Kokichi moved on to washing his hair.
Again, using the same pattern he used when petting his hair while they cuddled. Up and down, then left and right. This time, he used two hands, it was so soothing.
Staying awake seemed almost impossible for Shuichi at that point, he tried to open his eyes but it was a very clear struggle. He felt like he was fading away, Kokichi alleviating his stress with every touch.
“Shuichi, you can’t hide your exhaustion from me!” Kokichi teased, pulling the rubber duck out of the water and placing it on his shoulder, “Mr. Duck thinks you should go to sleep.”
“But..” Shuichi managed to utter out, though he was getting too tired to think of a concrete reason to stay awake. His mind tried to give me plenty of reasons and rebuttals to say, but he gave in as soon as Kokichi wrapped his arms around him.
“No buts!” Kokichi insisted, sinking lower into the water and letting Shuichi follow, “You need to sleep. You can meet me in dream world okay?”
Shuichi fell back into Kokichi’s hug, cuddling as close as he could. He tried to stay awake and open his eyes, but when he received a soft forehead kiss, he melted immediately.
“I love you, beloved” Kokichi whispered,starting to pepper Shuichi in soft kisses as he slowly began to fade away into a dream...