Work Text:
It’s been so long since you’ve last listened to the song that you almost don’t recognize it from the first few chords but once the lyrics begin everything freezes. The sound of traffic just outside the cafe windows fade away, the chatter of the girls sitting in the corner dies out, and the tapping of the man standing at the counter waiting for his order halts. Your mind is racing but your heart has stopped. The rush of emotion that swirls through your chest feels like too much to handle and you’re unsure of whether you’ll survive this again.
You can tell everybody this is your song.
The line tears through your tough, rigid, seemingly-unbreakable exterior. You feel your mouth go dry and your nose start to tingle. You can’t fight against the astounding force pulling downwards at the corners of your lips, allowing the world to witness your weakness. Your vision goes blurry and you automatically blink rapidly causing the tears to trickle down your cheeks.
If I was a sculptor but then again no,
The memories you’ve suppressed for two years now come flooding through your mind and you can’t stop them. The first time you saw him running in the rain like a madman after his cat. The first time he smiled at you. The first time his lips brushed against your’s and how he scuffled back, eyes closed, ready for the beating of a lifetime. The first time you told him you loved him and the way his eyes lit up like he had discovered the secret to the universe.
You remember the brilliant shade of his eyes. You never could determine whether they were green or blue, you just knew that whatever they were, they were your favorite color. You remember how gentle his hands were when they cradled your face and how his thumbs would slowly brush over your cheeks as he would lean down to kiss you. You remember the strawberry scent of his hair when you would lay in bed with his head tucked under your chin. You would always inhale deeply, never being able to get enough of the smell.
You remember the first time you brought him home and how perfect he looked sitting on your couch. You used to call him up, before you officially started dating, just to make him come over and spend the day with you and every time he would ask you why you wanted to spend time with him you would hang up and expect him to be on his way. He always came. The memory of your one-year-anniversary fills you up and more tears stream down your cheeks. He attempted at making you a wonderful dinner which ended up being a total disaster leaving the kitchen a mess and the food burnt. The two of you had just ended up going to McDonalds for dinner.
You remember how his favorite color was green and how he had a strange obsession with cats and how he loved to read but hated wearing his reading glasses. You remember how he always skipped up escalators and how he rubbed just above his left eyebrow when he was really focused. You remember how he hated football but loved soccer and how one day he wanted to visit Tokyo.
You remember the first time the two of you listened to the song together. You had heard the original version but didn’t like it as much as this one. Both of you sung along to the song in unison, simply enjoying the sweet tune and after the song ended you had went on your phone and pulled up the song again. The two of you went around singing along to the song all day long. Soon the single day turned into days and days into weeks and weeks into months until the song was officially. and ironically, deemed “your” song.
Your chest fills with that stuffed-to-the-brim feeling you always got when you talked to him. You feel the heat in your ears you always felt when complimented you or said something witty. You feel your hands clam up just like they always did when he ran his hands down your sides. You feel your heart clench remembering the last time you saw him. Remembering how you just let him slip through your fingertips.
It had been a Thursday morning and you had both woken up late. He was going to be late for class as you would be for work. He had shimmied on a pair of jeans and his favorite blue sweatshirt before jamming his feet into his shoes and throwing his bag over his shoulder. You were in the kitchen just zipping up a bag of cereal for him to take to class as he ran in. You handed him the bag and he crammed it in his pocket before slowing for the first time that morning since he woke up just to smile at you, give you a peck on the lips, and tell you he loved you. Then he was out the door and gone.
You never thought that would be the last time you saw him. Had you known that he would never walk through that door again, that you would sleep alone for all your nights to come, that on his way to class he would be hit by a car and killed on impact, you would have never even let him leave the bed that morning.
By now you are down right sobbing in the middle of the cafe. People are looking at you and wondering whether to ask you if you are alright which you very obviously are not. You try to clean yourself up with your napkin that was laying on the table but then everything is silent again, though you are unsure of when it became not to be so, and the last line of the song rings clearly through your ears.
I hope you don’t mind, I hope you don’t mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is now you’re in the world.
Oh, how cruel it was that the song ended with such a lie. For your sweet, lovely boy is no longer in this world and you are all alone. You are left all alone to sing half a duet, live half a life, and love with a shattered half of a heart.
Unable to stop your tears, you pack up your things and leave to go home where no one is waiting for you.