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Suzaku knew how much attention Lelouch's actions would garner and the extent of it. He knew all eyes would be on them as soon as Lelouch made his declaration to be the Emperor.
They were being watched all over the world, or rather Lelouch was.
He was the attention of everyone across the world. His actions spoke for millions across the Britannia Territories. He destroyed countless buildings full of Britannia history, abolished the Area and Number system by freeing the colonies, and demolished the class system. It was a change to the entire world, one that would be across history forever.
And it was only one week after the declaration of the throne.
Suzaku would be impressed if he doubted Lelouch's plans, but he never did. He knew the man too well. The amethyst-eyed male would always think about his plans for hours at a time. He would either play chess with himself, sit in a plush chair or his throne, browse online for something particular, or gather some readings from the Royal Britannian library. He would always be prepared even in the shortest inconvenienced time. Lelouch was just amazing with his intelligence, and he earned the title of ‘the man of miracles’ when he was Zero.
He knew what goals he wanted to accomplish, and he never faltered. Though Suzaku never knew what was on his mind most of the time, he knew that Lelouch was always thinking of some type of plan to reach the next step. Other countries feared that dedication, but it earned respect from the Japanese.
Lelouch had to be caught in his lies, but he stopped his parents from committing atrocities that rivaled a god and created a plan to change this world.
He was doing it. The former eleventh prince was fulfilling his promise they made in the World of C, where only the green-haired accomplice was the witness. They would destroy the older world, the one with war, racism, prejudice, and equality, and create another one.
They were doing it for Euphie and for Nunnally - not for everyone in the world. They were going to make this world a better place with one sin at a time. Many atrocities were committed during their eighteen years of life, but they were willing to correct and repent for it all so hastily. They needed this. The world needed this. They had to sacrifice their short lives to make this world better. They had to.
What they didn't need was something to hold them back from their goals. Suzaku was the Knight, the sword that slashed down Lelouch's enemies and doubts. He had a role to play, and he couldn't be distracted...
But why did he feel like it was going to happen anyway?
~ • ~
A feeling was manifesting.
It was a tight feeling in his chest that continued to grow day by day.
It continued to grow for the past week.
He didn't know where it came from.
No, that was a lie. He knew exactly where it came from. What he didn't know was how it happened so suddenly.
It started when Lelouch was in the war room by himself one day. Suzaku walked through the hallways but stopped when he noticed the Emperor was planning. He was analyzing a digital map of the world in front of him on a long flat surface. There were chess pieces along with the map in certain places - black in Britannian territories and white in the remaining. The ravenette didn't seem to mind that the physical pieces were slightly distorting the holograms, only that the pieces were at the proper, representative positions that he needed them to be.
The Emperor seemed to be too absorbed in his thoughts to notice Suzaku was staring at him. It was comparable to a reader invested in a novel, his amethyst yet clear eyes focused on the holograms and chess pieces, his gaze somehow piercing against the lights that reflected his eyes. His silk robes were glistening in the blueish-white light the map emitted while he reached for another chess piece.
But his stupor was broken when he glanced to his right. He finally noticed him, his Knight.
"Suzaku," the man called his name and waved his hand in a motion that beckoned for him to come over. "I wanted to discuss something with you."
Discuss something? Like what? He wanted to ask precisely what Lelouch needed him for in this instance but decided against it. Typically, the ravenette had a reason for everything, even if he was focused on something that seemed more important in front of him.
"Why? Something's up?"
"I wanted to ask you something," Lelouch repeated himself as he moved a black piece. If Suzaku recalled, it was the Knight. "Do you believe before peace, there has to be destruction? Is it absolutely necessary to destroy something in order to create an ideal concept?"
Suzaku paused before answering.
"Destruction has to come before creation."
"Yes, but is it truly necessary?" Lelouch moved another piece, a different piece. A white one this time. It was smaller than the others, so it must be the pawn.
"Reconstruction is always an option, so why is it something that we, as humans, ignore to do?"
Suzaku was silent. He couldn't answer this question. Perplexed at the question, his mouth opened and closed like a fish, trying to grasp for words to answer, but his mind simply did not have any. He was sure Lelouch noticed because he smiled triumphantly.
"Difficult question to answer, I know. But it is simply because we do not wish to destroy anything. We, as humans, value what we have created to the point of preservation - we do not destroy the old in order to create the new. We don't want to participate in the destruction, fearing we will harm or create something that will have a negative impact. Because of that fear, we are unable to destroy anything to create something new and needed."
It made sense. Humans feared the unknown and, in turn, created barriers for undesirable changes. Still…
"What are you saying, Lelouch?" Suzaku furrowed his brow, and his frown deepened.
"Returning to the peace we used to have, to see people happy and smile, for others to have hope in the future. All of these factors are relying on our creation." Sharp, amethyst eyes scanned the map, but the smile on his lips never wavered. "Though the world and stars we are surrounded by hardly change, but people do. I feel like this is something we need to do, don't you?"
"Suzaku, have you noticed how little the stars have changed? They were the same when I was a child. Long ago, I would gaze up at the stars together with my siblings… wouldn't it be wonderful if we could all live like that again? For everyone to be happy and smile? Can we go back to that? I think we can."
…What was that?
Why did he remember that so suddenly? Was it because Lelouch mentioned similar words? Even then, Lelouch had mentioned conversations that Euphie would have when it was just the two of them.
Was he that desperate for Euphie to come back? To remember something she has said to him nearly two years later?
He had to be.
"... Yeah," Suzaku nodded. "I think we did need to do this. And we can."
"I have no doubt." Lelouch grabbed the white King piece and flipped it in his right hand. "But that was all that I needed."
Suzaku nodded again before turning his heel and strolled down the hallway. At that moment, he was glad that Lelouch dismissed him…
But that was when the feeling manifested, that very moment. After that day, it was hard to keep the comparisons out of his mind.
~ • ~
How?
How?
How did he have feelings of endearment towards the very person that took his sister away from this world?
How did he, the personal knight of his first lover, warp his mind to think her murderer was similar to her?
He killed Euphie by reputation and by his hand. He slandered her and destroyed the Special Administration Zone twice . He killed so many people that day just with a damned order. Lelouch was a heartless, conniving bastard. To Suzaku, he only cares about his goals.
...Right?
But he was also determined like her. The ravenette possessed a fearless determination to change something just like Euphie did. He was impulsive yet calculating with his actions to be sure they were right. There was a goal at the end to make everyone happy, no matter how it happened. He cared, just like Euphemia did, but he had a different way of showing it. He killed for love, and he cared in a destructive yet productive way. He wanted the world to change. He would do anything to make that possible. Like she did.
Was that the reason why the week was difficult for him? Was that why he was trapped within the depths of his feelings and thoughts? Why was he so passive towards Lelouch's proposals besides their shared agreement? Even with Lelouch discussing the beginning stages of the Zero Requiem with him, was that the reason why he was so amenable lately? Lelouch didn't comment on it, but he didn't have to.
Suzaku knew he was changing emotionally. It was not the time for it. He didn't deserve such feelings to begin with yet…
Lelouch reminded him so much of Euphemia.
It nearly hurts to say such a thing.
~ • ~
Comparing Lelouch to Euphemia was unfair, Suzaku realized.
Euphemia was gone, long gone. After a week of thinking, he realized that mourning her was fine, but comparing her to Lelouch was unreasonable. She was in the World of C and possibly happy there. She was not in the world of the living anymore, and he had to accept that. There was no reason to continue to point out the resemblances between the two siblings.
No, he realized that Lelouch was just his type.
He was similar to Euphemia, but he held so much more.
There was his smile, his jewel-like eyes, his wit - how he took care of himself, how he cared for his siblings, what he was willing to do for them. Lelouch seemed cold to someone that did not know him, but Suzaku knew better. The Emperor was kind and caring yet blunt and honest. His family raised him to be a certain way, yet he came to be completely different. It was not ignorance nor ingenuous. Lelouch was exposed to so much in the world. He matured so much from his younger days, his mother's murder, and his father's neglect.
They were similar, maybe too similar.
That was why Suzaku couldn't hold it in anymore.
It was after an important meeting. Lelouch finished meeting with Cecil, Lloyd, Jeremiah, and C.C. in a conference room. Lelouch was on his way to leave the room until he blurted words he didn't remember saying.
"Lelouch I… Need to talk to you."
His best friend raised a brow but decided to listen to him. He even locked the conference room door for privacy, just to place his hand on his right hip and ask what was on his mind.
At first, Suzaku thought this was a waste of time. He lectured himself on why the hell this was a good idea. Hell, he didn't know if this was something that he should confess about.
But after Lelouch's calm gaze, he breathed. Maybe his friend wouldn't judge him too harshly over his feelings.
"What is it, Suzaku?"
"How long have we known each other, Lelouch?"
"Hmm?" Those beautiful eyes blinked in confusion, mostly innocent confusion, before stating the answer. "It's been eight years."
"Eight years…" He couldn't believe how long it was… "And you haven't changed that much since then. More blunt and careless, maybe."
" I'm careless?" The Emperor scoffed, "I'm not the one piloting a Knightmare without an ejection system."
The Knight laughed. It was more carefree than what he wanted it to sound like, but it was still appropriate. He was right. "Alright, you got me there. You're more rough then."
"I'll accept that." Lelouch chuckled. "But what about it?"
"Well, I've been thinking…" He knew he just had to say it. So he decided to speak from his heart. "We've changed so much since we were kids. Our interests have changed and how we see each other is different from everyone else. But what if one of our interests involves the other person? What would you do then?"
"It depends on what it is." The ravenette blinked boorishly. "What do you mean by 'involves the other person'? That could mean anything."
He sighed. God, he wishes Lelouch wasn't so dense with this topic. But he decided to continue. There wasn't a point in saying this if he was going to quit halfway. And if being around the bush wasn't enough for the Emperor to understand what he was speaking about, then… He just had to say it outright.
"Lelouch I… I love you… I'm sorry that I'm saying this before the Zero Requiem, and I'm sorry if this is sudden butー."
"Why?"
It was Suzaku's turn to pause, to stare at Lelouch with confusion over the sudden question. He couldn't read Lelouch's expression either, it was blank, and those gorgeous amethyst eyes were unlit. It was like the color in those expressive eyes were turned off like a switch. Suzaku didn't like, or know, this feeling.
"Huh?"
" Why ?" The Emperor repeated, but now he could see the emotion in his face and eyes.
Anger, hurt, disgust .
He didn't expect Lelouch to give him such a displeasing look.
"After what you have done? After you killed Nunnally?" Lelouch's voice was shimmering, his thin fingers folded into his palm for a fist. The fire in those eyes returned, but Suzaku preferred it when it was nearly pitch black. "After you have hunted me down, shamed me in front of my father, tortured me with Nunnally when she was Viceroy?"
This was a mistake.
"And after all of that, I begged for you to take care of Nunnally when I had no one to turn to. You pressed my face in the ground with your foot. And you expect me to forget that?"
He knew this was a mistake, but he decided to listen to his stupid heart.
Why did he bother to do this?
"You want to confess this to me like I'll immediately forgive you?"
Why did he bother to do this?
He was a fucking idiot.
Suzaku was speechless and stared at the plush, pink carpet. What could he say to make this better? Nothing. Nothing he could say would make this better. Nothing he said would erase what he did. If this confession happened before he met Euphemia, then it would be different. But that was years ago. That was the past. They were working on the future together.
And Suzaku fucked it up with his confession.
"You're the only one I can count on, yes, but I'm not interested in your feelings." He heard Lelouch shift and the door slide open. "I will never consider it after what happened to Nunnally." He listened to another shift, and the door slid again. He lifted his head.
Lelouch was gone.
He was in the conference room by himself.
He was alone.
Like it should be.
A raddled chuckle came from his lips and a gloved hand went through his curled hair.
Really… What did he expect to happen?