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When the school bell rang - signalling the start of a new year - Hanamaki decided that maybe it was the time to acknowledge his emotions and let himself feel things, it was his third and final year after all.
That being said, he had no idea where to start. He checked his class number - Ah, we are all in different ones- and as he was idly going to his class, he thought of what he can do to actually get closer to his goal. Well, what the hell, might as well do something people normally try to do.
After some thinking, he managed to come up with a few things which he felt he should be able to do. He grabbed his mini notebook, and on the last two pages, he started writing a list.
In the list:
"1. Do what you like, even if it's not going to end up being something serious. "
He primarily thought of volleyball. Of course, even before he questioned if he ever wanted to become a professional, Hanakai had always doubted himself. He knew he was not an excellent player or someone who would guarantee a sure win to a team, but he still enjoyed it. That also meant that he did not know if he should continue in his graduation year, or if he should even continue after the first championship, even though it was still fun. By writing this in the list, he wanted to give himself permission to go on, and maybe by extension allow himself more time and money with his favourite games or anything else he might find interesting.
"2. Explore what career options you have. Maybe how other people end up at their jobs and what career paths they take/part-time job? "
He… was anxious about it. He knew he should have started this already, but he really wasn't sure yet. He just wanted an option to delay and explore multiple paths. Looking into it could help to elevate fear, or just do something, he hoped. Plus, since money is always handy, having a part-time job is always useful. That is, if he finds one and manages to balance between school, preparation for university, volleyball, and job.
" 3. More time with friends/kohai's? "
Just for the sake of socialising? He wasn't sure if he had enough time for this one, or if it would eat all of his energy even, but he could try. It's been long since he, Matsukawa, Oikawa and Iwaizumi spent some time anywhere together, and his volleyball kohais were just great.
Part 4 just had three dots instead of text, and the next part was crossed once and the cross was crossed again and then the whole cycle again. Hanamaki squinted, played with his pen a lot when thinking about it, but in the end thought eh, might as well and wrote the words on top again, because, as he decided, he had nothing to lose.
The last line stated: " Fall in love?? "
***
"Mum?" Hanamaki called to her while cleaning the dishes.
"Yes?" Mrs Hanamaki looked at her son with a big spatula in her hand.
"How did you decide to work where you work?"
"Well, I. In school, I took a part-time job in a company that was not too far away and it felt okay enough, so I took some college courses after and applied in the same company to a better position after. I don't think I mulled it over too much really, it just happened." She spoke out, gesturing the spatula in the air, and then remembering she had sauce on the stove, which she proceeded to mix.
Ah. Hanamaki thought, not helpful . That would not get him far, at least because he did not work for any company so far. But then maybe somebody else, or something else will help.
If everything is pointing so much at it, he will look for some part-time jobbing. Maybe just for the sake of looking. Most likely just for the sake of looking. It was just the start of the year but the amount of homework was already piling up and with the team they had right now, he really wanted to go to nationals, at least once.
‘Maybe if we will, I will try pursuing a career as a volleyball player. Skill is something you develop, afterall .’
....
'Part-time job, part-time job, part-time jooob.'
Hanamaki launched and spun on his chair, landing precisely in front of his computer and immediately looking up the results for the part-time job.
Some options were immediately crossed out simply because they were too far away from where he lived or even went to school. A day might have 24 hours but it didn’t mean he could spend half of it commuting while being a student And job And attempting to go to the national level championship.
Local supermarket
Local supermarket
Local supermarket
Gas station
Gas station
Gestation
Local supermarket
Small kitchenware store
Some other small stores
...
He clicked on the shops of the closest location to his house and school.
"Require a minimum of ... "
"Hours required to be at work.."
"Minimal qualifications required ..."
And by the set requirements he already did not fit most of them. He could find hours, but he knew that realistically he could burnout very easily, or even fail the year if he did, and those were definitely not the factors to help him find a better job in the future.
Hanamaki scribbled the names of the few remaining places and their address and went there in some form of formal attire to try out since he still had time during the day.
He returned home with all rejections and no will to try on. The first rejection was because the last vacancy was filled right before him. In the second he didn't even know, the owner just looked at him and said no. All other places had similar stories and he didn't know if it was something about him or his tight limitations about time.
'Well, maybe that's even a good thing'
He thought and texted Matsukawa to meet him later today and practise some receives together.
***
"Ah, Matsun. Maths. Could you help me revise, please?" Hanamaki threw up his head as they walked back from their Friday practice with Matsukawa. The sun was still shining in their faces and it was getting warmer by the day.
"Yep. Then I am going to need to book you for history revision sessions."
"You and history aren't friends, aren't you?"
"Nope. Not at all, thank you very much."
“Alright alright. A few hours of history revision for me might come in handy too. I assume we can fit in both sessions simultaneously?”
“Yap. My place or your place?"
"Whichever suits you best."
"Then mine, I have all the notebooks and my parents are now away with my sister so it's going to be quieter than in your place I assume. "
"Gotcha. Next time we can go to my place, for a change,” Hanamaki said and took out his phone from his bag to quickly text his parents that he was going to be late.
"Sounds great. Let's do next Friday. I want to finish homework early to get to the console! Ah, the new release is so great I am definitely going to spend good quality time with it."
"Aaah sounds great. I wanna play too. Will you invite me?"
"Of course, how can it be otherwise, my dear Maki." Matsukawa held his hand to just below his neck and nodded, with the most pretentious and mocking intonation he could make.
"Aaah, my heart, I am so touched, thank you, my dearest Matsun, I knew I could count on you." Maki took his heart and swung from side to side with intonation somewhere between of after a marathon, dying and orgasm and immediately straightened up with a calm voice - "I'll get the snacks. Next weekend, weekends?"
"Weekends if you bring some clothes to sleep in. I'll get something to drink." Matsukawa suggestively raised an eyebrow. "Here we are. Shall we do some homework?"
"Yes, please. I think I know how to do most of it but just in case" Maki went through the main gate and followed Matsun to the front door. "Sorry for the intrusion. I think I am going to start with homework for now and revise the other material later. You already did it, didn't you?"
"How did you guess?" Matsukawa covered his mouth with his hand and made a fake surprised voice. " I'm gonna get some tea. You can go to my room and unpack everything you need."
"Oooosu."
After both left their shoes in the genkan, Hanamaki headed upstairs as instructed, grabbing Matsun's bag with him while Matsukawa went to the kitchen. In the room, Maki put the bags in the usual place and grabbed his spare clothes that he occasionally ‘forgets’ at Matsun’s place. Since the latter figure out anyway that the 'forget' is not actually 'forget' and has a change in Maki’s place too, they call it even. When he changed, he took out his notebooks and stuffed his uniform in the bag, albeit he folded them neatly beforehand. He sat at the short-legged table and put his notebook, textbook and few writing utensils in front of him when Matsun entered the room with tea and onigiris. He glided the room with his eyes, put what he came with on the table, offering Maki his part, and changed as well. As per their usual, they sat on the cornering sides of the table, since it was easiest to reach and see where the other made a mistake and explain how to do it without having a notebook upside down or standing up.
“By the way, you took my volleyball shirt last time and I needed to wear yours,” Matsukawa spoke after a while of silence and sounds of scribbling pen and chewing noises.
“Sorry sorry. To my defence, you regularly forget your’s at mine too and they look almost the same, even sizes.” Maki leaned on his arm and looked at his friend.
“I know. The look on Kindaichi’s face though, when he saw us in each other’s shirts, was priceless. I bet he thinks we sleep together.”
“Don’t we tho, mm, Matsun?” Hanamaki leaned towards the other and suggestively blinked a few times.
“You are naughty naughty Maki”, Matsukawa learned on his arm too and suggestively raised his eyebrows in response. “He might think we are fucking but so far it’s just the futons that suffer from restless nights. With the amount of both of us moving about in our sleep I don’t know how both of them are still in one piece.”
“That is between them and whatever forces that exist there. Poor Kindaichi, of course, but I think with Kunimi around he will need to learn a lot of new things soon. At least, as soon as Kunimi can be bothered.” Hanamaki returned to his original position again and looked down at his work, and then again at Matsukawa. "Ah, -tsun, by the way. We still doing the gaming night tomorrow? I really wanna win Iwaizumi for a wish."
"Of course, we are not cancelling tomorrow just because and I am very much looking forward to it."
"Cool cool. Let's hope IwaOi brings something."
"You are sure they remember your address tho?"
"Ya, knowing both of them, no. I'll text them again later. For now, maths! I specifically want to not have to do any homework, especially maths, tomorrow"
“Understandable, understandable. Cool. Ah, you can’t solve this equation using Vieta's formulas, do discriminant, it's much easier.”
“Right. Thanks.”
...
Groupchat: Iwa-chan is the best! <3<3<3
Makiii: You squirrels did not forget yet where I live and which snacks to buy, didn’t you?
Trashykawa: Yeah of course not how could we ha ha ha (help)
Iwa-chan!<3 : Cut the crap honestly.
@Maki, could you tell us again, please? It's been so long I don’t think either of us have it saved anywhere.
Makiii : Of course. <3<3<3
*address*
Am waiting for you tomorrow at 12. Rice crackers should be perfect thank you
Matsun : In case any of us gets bored I will bring some other games too
Makiii: Ah, thanks, Matsun, what would we do without you <3<3<3
Matsun : ikr <3<3<3
…
Even after they left the next day and Hanamaki was falling asleep on the futon to the sounds of Issei’s snoring, he thought that he really was glad to have this time together with friends. It was tiring, and he would be lying if he said he wasn't almost exhausted from the day, but still, it was a really good time and he did not regret writing a point number 3 on his list. It really, really and felt good to spend time with friends. And now that the midterms were over and he did pretty decently, he thought that the July exams are not going to be too hard and was looking forward to the inter-school tournament.
***
The last thing he remembered was seeing Iwaizumi, Kunimi and Kindaichi jumping in a block and the next second already, they lost. They lost to Shiratorizawa. And then the whole road back and meal that they had, and going back to school, and changing - it all felt like a giant blur and his cheeks hurt from salty tears.
He already got down when he remembered the uniform he forgot in the locker room, so he went back. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Oikawa in there, shaking, and he was about to enter when he heard Iwaizumi's voice and loud smash on the shoulder and decided to leave them be and retrieve uniform later
He did not feel like going home yet, still on the verge of crying, still on the verge of losing composure and the deep regret of not doing something else, not doing something more, not preventing more points from being won, or being hit, not -.
Somewhere from the gym he heard sounds and went there to check only to see Matsukawa, already in regular uniform, intensely holding and looking at the volleyball, facing away from the entrance so you could not really see his face. Hanamaki came closer and put his hand on Matsukawa's shoulder.
"I, I look pathetic, don't I?" Matsukawa half-whispered, his voice shaking, still looking at the ball. "I couldn't do anything, and now, I, I..."
"I know. Me too." Maki patted Matsukawa on the shoulder. "Me too. It does feel very powerless and demotivating."
They stood in silence like that for some time, albeit for occasional sniffing from both of them.
"Can we go practice tomorrow some more? I want to get better at spikes." Matsukawa whispered, still not able to move too much.
"Yeah. Sounds good."
Matsukawa nodded and they put the ball back and closed the gym, and together, in silence, they returned to their respective homes.
…
When they gathered to play the next day, they met with Iwaizumi too and had a joint practice between three. At some point, Oikawa came too and all four of the 3rd years practised, mostly in silence.
The exams were on the nose and, as much as he was mentally not ready for another strike again, he braced himself for the final push. And then there should be summer holidays and they would be able to practise more, better, maybe even training camp. And then-...
…
And when the exams were over they had a big volleyball night between the 4 of them in Oikawa’s place, and they all watched volleyball videos and discussed the antics of what else they could do and practise.
***
Before the training camp, they decided to have one more gaming night at Hanamaki’s place, since it wasn’t really an option when the camp will start.
Oikawa and Iwaizumi already arrived, together, as you do, and Hanamaki and Matsukawa, with help of Maki’s sister, managed to prepare some food and snacks for the bunch, given that they are going to spend quite a lot of time there so might as well (in the worst case, homework is still an option to do).
Maki was still thinking about how to even try to do things on the list. If the first and second were pretty self-explanatory, and he literally was in the middle of the third one, he still did not know how or what does it even mean to do the last. He thought about it when getting comfortable on the sofa in the living room, the place of console and big screen, first Matsukawa sitting next to him, then switching with Iwaizumi to play against Oikawa, and soon enough it was his and Iwaizumi’s turn so he switched too, sitting on the floor between Matsukawa’s legs and Iwaizumi sitting to his right.
"Have you guys ever been in love?" Hanamaki tilted his head as the pace of the game became a little slower.
"Are you rubbing that I got dumped recently?" Oikawa crossed his arms.
"Mmmm, " Maki furrowed his eyebrows as he needed to absorb in a game not to lose - and relaxed completely again as soon as it became lighter. "Nah."
"To be fair, you didn't even spend much time with her. Whenever she texted you, you either were on practise, going to practise, or watching recap videos. I've seen you two go on a date maybe like twice?" Iwaizumi added too, not releasing the joystick or looking away from the screen.
"Exactly! Do you even know her favourite colour? That's what I thought."
"So how can you know that you were even in love with her?" Maki added after Matsukawa's comment and they high-fived each other as Maki was taking a quick break from the game.
"Okay okay, fair point. I don't know. I probably wasn't then. Ah, I probably was a terrible boyfriend." Oikawa lowered his head and started sulking.
Matsukawa harshly put his hand on Oikawa's shoulder "Cheer up. You probably were terrible, but now you know where to improve if you start looking for the next relationship. At least you can know for sure that you are a great volleyball player."
"Thanks."
"Honestly, Oikawa, you don't need to feel bad about it and you know it. Part of a relationship is working towards being a better couple, but another part is also finding a person who supports and probably enjoys your interests too, since volleyball means so much to you. You two could have worked, but only if she would decide she is okay always being second to volleyball or if you decided to sacrifice volleyball to her. Neither are healthy, so move on. And I need to explain this to you as if you didn't know it already." Iwaizumi held his head up and looked at Oikawa, his face becoming sterner in the last sentence, but then immediately going back to normal and looking back down.
"Thanks, Iwa-chan." - Oikawa brushed Iwasizumi's hair with his hands. "Spiky."
"Coming back to my question. Do you guys think you ever were really in love?" Hanamaki butted before Iwaizumi could complain. "I am thinking here about what it feels and what it really means and besides plain sexual attraction nothing really comes to mind."
"Hm. Come to think of it, I didn't really put much attention if I loved a person before. Volleyball was always a priority. If I have, I'd say love is dedication and interest for a person? You want to know more about them and talk to them and stuff. Obviously, you can have those feelings for a friend too, but it's like, you just feel happier with them?" Oikawa leaned back and held his hand to his face.
"Comfort more than happiness, I think. You possibly can't always be happy about a person, but even if a person messes up and you will be angry at them, you still can trust them. I think it's also very much care. Can’t see love without people wanting to care for each other. That's what love feels like to me at least." Iwaizumi added and then became really tense. "Ah shoot! This doesn't count, I was answering your question."
"Doesn't matter! I won and the wish is mine! I wish that any time I ask, we armrests. Obviously at reasonable times." Maki picked up his joystick in victory.
"Alright alright, I can deal with this." Iwaizumi stood up and gave a joystick to Oikawa as they switched places.
"What about you?" Hanamaki leaned back, putting his head next to Matsukawa's thing and looking at his face.
"Never thought about it. Ditto, I guess. I'd say that I have been in love. Maybe also that falling sexually for a person doesn't really mean falling for them romantically, and both are important to consider when dating." Matsukawa also leaned back while thinking, then stood up. "Anyways, it's my turn. Joystick, pleeease"
"Yes yes of course here you go." Hanamaki stood up and sat in place of Matsukawa and latter now being between his legs."You did not answer the question yourself. Since we are all spilling here, have you been in love?" Iwaizumi got back to Maki when they fully switched and the round between Oikawa and Matsukawa began.
"Honestly, I would love to answer that question but I have no clue. Never had a girl I really had those feelings to. I do care for my sisters but it's very different. "Hanamaki leaned back himself and from nothing to do with his hands started stroking through Matsukawa's hair. "Anyways. Anybody want some snacks, food? I'd have some onigiri right about now."
"Yes please" - sounded from below Maki which he took as a collective yes and went downstairs to get some food while Iwaizumi climbed over Oikawa to get snacks they brought with them.
…
The departure to the camp, everybody sleeping in one giant place, waking up and practising together - the whole thing, it felt right. It was something they needed, and it was something that helped them improve. And it too was over very, very soon. The new school term began.
***
"Hanamaki Takahiro, have you decided on your future paths?"
"I have not yet."
" I would like to ask you not to be fooling around. You are a third-year student. You are going to finish school very soon, you don't have much time to sit and do nothing. Don't you have any potential career options you would like to take or university you want to go to?" The stern look of the counsellor made him feel small and vulnerable.
"Nothing that I would like to tie with my future, no."
"This is not the time to be fooling around. What about your after school club, have you considered making it your career?"
"Yes, but I do not know if I will be able to. It is not something I can see myself prospering at."
The counsellor shook his head and took a small square piece of paper and a pen and scribbled something on it.
"This is a website where you can test your skills, your interests and what potential careers you can undertake, as well as the course you can take to go there. It takes about 30 minutes to complete each section. It does not give concrete results but some paths you can potentially take. I fully expect you to go through it and have a better idea of what you want to do when we meet next time. Understood?" The counsellor slid said paper to Hanamaki, who took it, thanked the counsellor, said goodbye and went his way.
At least this is the end of the day and no practice. At least I can leave right now.
He thought to himself as he paced to the other side of the school to change his shoes and finally leave.
Definitely not home, no. His parents might not be home, but if they are they will definitely be asking how everything went and about the counsellor and how he is so indecisive. Even if they are not home, they might come any moment, they might barge into his room and the same conversation would take place. It just did not feel safe enough there. But he also did not know where to go. Wandering through Miyagi was not the best option and just standing there was just weird too.
Without him noticing his legs just took him to a small park that he liked to hang out at. He fell on his usual bench in the alley of trees, surrounded by even more trees. So much so that you can't even see the main road or even any buildings nearby. It was not the best place, it was decently cold, but it was quiet and not home, not with anybody judging him or rushing him, or forcing him to make a decision right here right now about, about basically everything. Everything ties to a job, how much time, money, things, even happiness you have. People don't normally change it and he didn't want to be stuck. School barely lasts 12 years from childhood and even then you change it once in a while and people get sick and tired of it to tears and vomiting and you are supposed to love the same job for 30, 40, 50 years? Even 5 or 10 years of the least optimistic view can get you so tired. You, you really need to love, reinvent, re-love, want to do what you do to stay for so long. He did not have something like that.
Jack of all trades but master of none that doesn't even like his trades. Even with the help of the website counsellor gave, will it really help to go over all those obstacles? It felt hopeless. Positively hopeless.
He felt a movement from his left.
"How was the meeting with the counsellor?" Matsukawa's voice came from the direction of the sound.
"Well, shit, I guess." Hanamaki didn't even bring his head up, still bending and holding it between his hands. "It's so pointless, they don't even try to help. It's like their whole purpose is to make me feel worse about my future. So what if I don't have any particular plans for my future? So what if I don't have a job decided? For fucks sake I am not even of drinking age yet and already need to make a decision about my whole future life. Even if I live until like 30, which is not optimistic even for me, it's still almost the majority of my life on one decision. I don't want that."
Matsukawa put his hand on Maki's shoulder and petted him.
"Yeah, I know what you mean. I don't think this should be a permanent decision either. We are part of the society, but equally, we are not cogs in the machine."
"Aren't we? I don't know what to do either. I probably should get an education, like my older sister, but even then where do I go? It's not like I am particularly brilliant or passionate about something. Even at volleyball. I don’t have the determination like Oikawa, or particular physical strength like Iwaizumi or Ushiwaka."
"You know, you can always make the decision later, we still have time..."
"What do you know! You already decided on working in funeral service!" Hanamaki raised his voice and brought up his body, moving away and looking directly at Matsukawa; his face looked like he was about to cry. "I. I'm sorry, I shouldn't get angry at you, I am really sorry. I know it's not your fault, I just. I am so lost, you know? I don't even know where to start." - he looked down again, hands hanging between his legs.
"I know, don't worry. It is really scary. I am scared too. I am not planning to stay at a funeral service my entire life too. It definitely will get too stressful at some point." Matsukawa sadly smirked at the thought of inevitable, and side-looked at Hanamaki.
"What are you going to do then?"
"I don't know. I guess I will try something new. Maybe by that time, I will have a new interest that I would not mind making my job, or maybe will be jobless for a while. Or will become a corporate worker and do some corporate business and make my living hating my job until I can change it again."
"And they call me a pessimist." Maki smiled and leaned back again. "Well, at least I know that not only I don't know anything."
He leaned on Matsukawa's shoulder who half hugged Maki again and put his head on his. They both stared at the floor in front of them. The trees shivered in the wind and somewhere far away the clouds started gathering.
"I still don't know what to do with my life. I guess it's not something I will ever be able to answer really." Maki spoke again.
"Probably. I am on the same road as you are. At least at any point in your life, you will have support. If not financial then at least mental." He raised his left first to Maki's direction to which the other smirked again.
"Osu. You too." He first bumped Matsukawa and they continued to sit in silence for some more time.
The wind continued rising and the sun was getting lower down. The small park that they were hiding in was getting darker and the faint voices of people were getting even quieter.
"Wanna get some hot drink before it gets completely dark?" Matsukawa broke the silence, still resting his head on Maki's
"Only if you get me a bun."
"Then you buy next time."
"Deal"
They both stood up and headed to the nearby shop, jokingly, 'accidentally' poking each other with their elbows and making fun of each other.
When they went back home it was already dark and they both were eating buns and drinking warm tea.
...
For some reason, it was this night that he remembered the list again, and struggled to fall asleep.
Thinking about everything that happened and that he could do, he remembered the gaming night. Mulling over words that were said then over and over again, Hanamaki tried to break them down into smaller chunks just for ease of thought. In terms of care, he tried to imagine what it's like - to care about his girlfriend, maybe to give her his coat if she was cold, or maybe cheering her up on a contest or something. He managed but he couldn't get rid of a feeling like he was cheering for his sister, not a partner. There was a feeling of care for a younger person or care for a friend, but nothing that would be any similar to descriptions of romantic love. If anything, he cared more about winning against Iwaizumi in arm-wrestling.
Akin to those thoughts came back the game nights again, and the thought of him genuinely wanting Matsukawa to win regardless if he played with Iwaizumi or Oikawa, without really a reason for that.
He brushed off that thought. He knew he was sexually attracted to girls, that was for sure, that was a lot easier for him to understand. If he sexually liked girls surely he should be able to love them romantically, like all those book characters do, too.
Somewhere in the background though, the thought of the same attraction to guys lingered, the one that he used to shove in the back for so long and now just accepted as truth that can't be changed. And really, it ended up bothering him a lot less than he thought it would originally. Afterall, even though whatever people say, it is still there and it's not like he suddenly is a horrible person.
This thought took him somewhere else, thinking about how he discovered it, and then he again remembered Matsukawa's words about sexual and romantic attraction being separate things. And again came back the thought of him wanting Matsun to win, feeling some sort of satisfaction when Issei had that smug, but happy, expression when he won a round; how when they were standing in the gym together after they lost, how devastating it felt, both to lose, and to see Matsukawa like that; and it cut to the moment of him sitting with Issei on the bench and his much softer than usual facial expression. It helped him feel easier.
His final thought, as Hanamaki was falling asleep, was that maybe, maybe he already was in love.
***
Before the midterms, Hanamaki and Matsukawa agreed to have more study-and-homework sessions again, just because they could, and because it proved to be efficient the first time around. Switching the places they go, from either of their houses to school library and sometimes joining or being joined by Iwaizumi and Oikawa at their houses too, they tried to keep on top of everything, still preparing for the preliminaries for the spring tournament.
…
Matsukawa leaned back from the small floor table that they were trying to manage homework on. Studying was fun especially together, but since there was a whole entire hella lot more to be done and he already finished with maths and modern Japanese, the break was much needed.
"Yo, Maki," Matsukawa turned his face to Maki who was sitting at the left side of the table.
"Sup," said continued to stare into the maths equation he could swear he knew how to do, but just slower and maybe not this time.
"You straight?"
"Nah. You?" Maki looked up at Matsun, eyebrow raised.
"Nah," Matsukawa smirked at Maki's answer and with the same nonchalant voice replied.
"Cool," Maki smirked back. "You guys?"
"Yep, only them. You?"
"Romantically. Sexually both."
"Cool," this time Matsukawa smirked and stood up from the floor. "Want some ice cream and or tea?"
"Yes please, both."
"Yeah. Chocolate and plain black tea?" Matsun was already next to the door.
"Ah you know me so well, don't you" Maki raised both of his hands and formed a heart with a straight face and mocking Oikawa's intonation. "Chuu, thank you Iwa-chan"
Matsukawa repeated the gesture with the same facial expression, or lack thereof, and disappeared behind the door.
…
Midterms out of the way, he managed them and hoped to manage the tournament too. They practised a lot and all of them had additional small training among themselves or watched and analysed volleyball videos, they gave it their best. It was their last year and their last attempt, and he wished, he really wished, with his whole heart just this one time to get there, to finally get to the nationals .
***
For a really long time, probably longer than the others, he could not fully process what happened. He ate with everybody else, and he cried too and his brain did not allow him to process that this is it. It’s over. This is the end of his high school volleyball . And the end of him becoming a player in a big game.
...
The four of them accidentally met at the shrine on New year eve. Oikawa and Iwaizumi both decided to tie their lives to volleyball and Hanamaki was just happy for them. It was for them something they enjoyed the most and something that really made them happier and made them strive and aim higher and taller. Matsukawa decided on a university that will get him to his goal, even if not the end place. And Hanamaki felt a little left out of not having a dream job to end up having, but he too decided on university and was happy just to be and exist even without a final destination in mind. Jobs can be changed, but small things matter too, even if they are bleak in the shadow of the unknown of the future, and the fear of it.
When Iwaizumi and Oikawa were parting ways with them, they said good-byes until school (or if they hang out again) and wished a happy new year before turning around the corner. Hanamaki looked back and saw them exchange good-luck charms and hug each other for a long-long time before they went away. With Matsukawa, they spent quite a bit more time together, went around and recalled the times they had together this year, previous years, how they met and how it happened. It was not the end of the year just yet, nor would they lose contact and they knew it inside, but it felt like a change was coming, and the upcoming new year felt different and more festive this time.
…
During the January holidays, they visited each other a lot. In preparation for exams and new game releases, and all the cooking and searching, and helping around, and finding new hobbies, and just hanging out together, the winter felt warm.
***
"Hey, Maki." Matsukawa distanced his phone, almost putting it on the floor.
"Yes?" Hanamaki nonchalantly continued playing on the phone, not even removing his head from Matsun's shoulder
"I love you"
"I love you too" Maki replied in a heartbeat without a single second thought, still fully absorbed into the game.
"Nah, Maki, my dear, my friend whom I adore more than cheese-filled hamburger steak. I actually mean it. I love you. You know, like people who are dating."
Hanamaki froze for a second, his whole brain buffering a lot and for a second you could hear the progress bar fill up above his head until the loading was complete and a big exclamation mark lit up. He rapidly put his phone away and looked Matsukaws directly in the eyes, surprised and genuinely at loss, with similar processing capability that a computer has when it is overloaded.
"Matsukawa! You don't joke around with those things." he finally managed.
"I'm not, I'm not." Matsukawa looked back in Hanamaki's eyes with a brief smile.
"You do realise that you just confessed to me, right?" Maki raised an eyebrow and smiled back.
"I, yes," Matsun seemed to be taken aback and he leaned back a little, not smiling anymore, but flustered at his own words and gathering remaining strength before he is not able to say them. "I am in love with you."
It was time for Maki to become flustered and taken aback, both still looking at each other and blushing a little, but not moving further away.
"I... I am in love with you too." Maki finally whispered back, when he gathered more strength and ended up blushing again.
"You know, us being friends, and really close friends for so long, I did not expect us to react like this," Issei spoke again, covering his mouth with his hand after they stared like this for a while.
"Yeah, I know. We confess so regularly and barely not fuck and now this, like for fucks sake Matsukawa Issei what do you do to me."
Both of them cackled at the remark a little, understanding how miserably they failed at being the smooth-confession type of people they thought they would be. Now that the tables have turned they sat in front of each other, looking at each other, and mostly buffering.
Matsukawa took Hanamaki's hand.
"I really am in love with you. I would not be able to feel this comfortable around anybody else.", he moved his other hand closer to Hanamaki's face, and lightly touched it. "May I kiss you?"
Hanamaki's face got tired of blushing so he made a grimace and squished both of Matsukawa's cheeks with his hands.
"May I kiss you, may I kiss you, no you can't you stupid piece of an idiot of course not why would you ever think you can it’s not like we both love each other." He said and went directly for a kiss, his hands now cupping Matsun's.
In a slow kiss, they sometimes parted lips a little to move closer and ended up hugging like that, one sitting between the legs of the other.
“I love you, Issei," Maki whispered, bringing the other closer in a hug. “I love you.”
“I love you, Takahiro.”
***
The over-crossed sentence was crossed one more time, this time finally. It is not the final list, nor the final time, but this time Hanamaki just felt happy. Soon he might again forget himself in the routine and stress and deadlines and life and maybe create another list. Maybe another list would instead consist of to-do things, or names or volleyball players whom he needs to get an autograph for, or something else entirely. But from all of the things that he wrote, he hoped he never would need to write to fall in love with somebody else. Because right here, and right now, and with Issei, and partially because too, he felt like it is going to be okay whatever the future brings, whether they will get permanent jobs soon or will go from part-time to part-time until -. They have each other.
Life is moving on.