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"If love be blind, love cannot hit the mark"
Romeo and Juliet, William Shakespeare
McCoy shook his head as he swallowed his coffee. “Lieutenants Myers and Chowdhury were just as disturbed about the atrocities they witnessed on Armal IV as the rest of us.”
Spock pressed his lips together, surprised by the doctor’s response to his observations. He had been positive McCoy’s passionate nature would find the remarks abhorrent. To further add to his disquiet, Kirk was nodding in agreement as he finished his last mouthful of scrambled eggs.
Spock steepled his fingers over his finished bowl of oatmeal. “Gentleman, I assure you I repeated their comments verbatim. Their remarks were insensitive and showed a complete disregard for the loss—”
McCoy interjected. “It’s known as black humor.”
“Or gallows humor,” Kirk added. “It seems to be particularly common within the security ranks.”
“Not just them. You wouldn’t believe some of the jokes I’ve heard from medical personnel in some emergency situations.”
Spock wondered what McCoy’s wild hand gesture into the air added to the conversation but refrained from comment.
Kirk picked up his toast. “It’s a way we humans cope with things that are otherwise too difficult to deal with,” he said before taking a bite.
Spock raised his eyebrow.
“Lower that skeptical brow, Spock. I know you understand the value of humor to relieve tension."
Kirk's eyes sparkled. “Your deadpan humor is something to behold.” Laughing, he continued, “I particularly enjoy it when you skewer Bones.”
“I believe I’ve given as good as I’ve taken. The point is, there are many forms of humor, Spock. I consider myself a master of acerbic wit.”
Spock allowed his still elevated eyebrow to climb further. “Really, doctor. I had not noticed.”
Kirk cleared his throat to prevent the discussion from degenerating. “Seriously, Spock, only you overheard the comments. As you noted, it was in a relatively private setting. Without your better-than-average hearing, we wouldn’t be aware the statements were made. That said, I don’t want to dismiss this too quickly. Some follow-up is in order. I can speak to them to try and gauge if a reprimand is in order and perhaps some remedial education.”
Spock shook his head. “Unnecessary. I will speak to the lieutenants individually myself after I research this and other forms of humor. I believe I will be able to arrive at an appropriate assessment of their conduct.”
“Great. If you need any input, speak to me.” Kirk pushed back from the table. “I’d better get going. I told Sulu I’d be down to the surface in 30 minutes to see how the specimen gathering was progressing.”
Spock and McCoy rose to join Kirk as he left the mess hall.
“Geological Technician Fisher did report some unidentified minerals that had been detected on the surface. I am awaiting samples for analysis.”
“Look at him, Jim.” McCoy elbowed Kirk in his side as he jerked his head in Spock’s direction as they walked. “Spock’s eyes are practically glittering with excitement.”
Kirk rubbed his hands together briskly. “Well, I’m also eager for something new to sink my teeth into. Alpha 177 has yet to be explored.”
Spock stilled as the warm gaze of his captain landed on him. He was sure if anyone’s eyes could be said to glitter, it would be Jim’s gold-flecked eyes.
“What’s more exciting than a new world?” Kirk continued, punctuating the remark with a broad smile.
Spock focused on diverting the blood flow which had accelerated to his extremities. It was disquieting how a mere change in Jim’s facial expression could unleash such a spontaneous physical response.
He turned to stop and wait at the turbolift, hoping the others had not noted the quick flush of green which he was certain had touched his ear tips before he could contain it. Spock released his breath slowly in relief when Kirk and McCoy simply nodded their farewells and continued down the hall without any mention of his appearance.
As Spock waited for the lift, he heard Jim remark, “I wonder what Spock will make of all the different forms of humor.”
Doctor McCoy chuckled. “Who knows? What has me scared is that Spock might pick up a new comedic skill. I’m just barely holding my own now. With his looks, gallows humor might just be his forte.”
“Don’t worry, Bones. Spock would be the first to say, I’m a Science Officer, not a comedian.”
“Ouch.”
Spock allowed the corner of his mouth to rise, acknowledging the warm feeling the captain’s gentle humor gave him in private.
***
Spock gasped as he opened his eyes and stared at the flickering flame of the watcher. He had yet to achieve the fourth level of meditation after three attempts. Spock had hoped he would have calmed sufficiently to achieve success after a complete shift with the captain’s reintegrated self. However, his heart rate continued to elevate each time he remembered those seconds of uncertainty 17.3 hours earlier when he waited at the transporter controls to see whether the reintegration of Jim’s two halves had been successful. His gasp, a result of his mind providing an alternate reality.
He surmised it was the knowledge that he could have been responsible for Jim’s death that had provoked the grotesque image of his captain’s mangled body dead on the transporter pad. His lamb trusted me. And I could have led him to the slaughter.
During the crisis, it was thoughts of the wolf that had consumed him. The wolf that sought out Yeoman Rand for sexual gratification. The unwelcome reminder rose again in his mind.
If you had sought me out, I would have welcomed your strength and not been frightened by it. It was only yesterday evening, during a brief respite to meditate before having to leave his quarters to assist engineering on fixing the transporters that the startling revelation of his desire for the wolf, as well as the lamb, had become glaringly apparent to him. Since PSI 2000, he had acknowledged his feelings ran deeper than friendship, but he had not explored the sexual element until yesterday.
This morning, at the beginning of the alpha shift, he had briefly forgotten Rand in the euphoria of having Jim back on the bridge after release from his overnight stay in sickbay under the observation of Doctor McCoy.
‘Thank you, Mister Spock, from both of us.’ Jim’s words and warm smile warmed him still as he replayed the moment from his kneeling position on his meditation mat. Then his own desires took over, altering reality. The wolf reached out to pull them together in a fierce kiss. Spock imagined his arms pulling Jim flush against him. His hips thrust forward against the phantom body.
He turned away from you to speak with Yeoman Rand. His logical half promptly regained control, destroying the fantasy his human half had initiated.
With that painful reminder, Spock’s eyes snapped open to an empty cabin. He stood and circled his quarters as both halves of himself debated.
She is not responsible for the captain’s preferences, his logical half reminded.
Jim’s desires are not yet confirmed, his human side countered.
‘I have a beautiful yeoman. Have you noticed her, Mister Spock?’ Have you forgotten Jim's own words?
Inconclusive, his emotional half argued. Because of you, we told Jim we felt ashamed of our feeling of friendship. Since PSI 2000, we’ve admitted much to ourselves and nothing to him.
Acknowledged. However, we agreed Jim’s friendship would suffice.
I think we deceived ourselves again, his human half admitted.
Perhaps, his other half conceded.
His mind lapsed into momentary silence, then one unified thought emerged on which both sides agreed. It had been difficult to think of appropriate words with which to welcome Rand back to the bridge after the captain’s attention to her.
Before his mind began to circle again regarding what he wanted, needed, he forced himself to come to a stop. Enough. Jim is well. It is all that matters at present.
He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, preparing a mental list of tasks to complete to keep his mind occupied until he would try later in the evening again to meditate and address his own internal turmoil.
I will visit the lab and review the results of the experiments Ensign Tamaka completed on the mineral samples. I will then go to the mess hall to consume nourishment. I should be able to cogitate on any follow-up experiments to be conducted while I eat.
***
Several hours later, at 22:13, Spock entered the almost empty mess hall, still contemplating the interesting test results from the preliminary experiments on the discovered minerals. He observed Lieutenant Uhura, Yeoman Rand, and Ensign T’hala huddled in conversation in the right corner. Uhura, who was facing the doors, glanced up, and uncharacteristically her smile froze. She appeared to stiffen at his presence.
Walking past the women to the replicators, he heard a gasp. Spock turned to see Rand accompanied by T’hala hurrying from the mess hall. Rand appeared to be crying. Uhura, who remained, was now standing, her hands on her hips.
Spock cocked his head to the side as she approached. Glaring would be the only word to describe the withering look aimed in his direction, and he was perplexed as to the reason.
“Aren’t you going to ask why Janice is upset?”
He had presumed they had been offering support to Rand after yesterday’s assault; however, Uhura’s typically melodious voice was stern, indicating anger directed at him, not the captain, which made Spock pause before offering his answer.
“You have perfect recall. Words said earlier today shouldn't pose a problem for you.”
“What precisely are you referring to, Lieutenant?” Spock recalled only two short conversations with Rand, neither of which should have provoked Rand’s rapid departure and Uhura’s ire.
“You’re kidding, right?”
Spock’s brows drew together. From his recent research, he recognized the words as sarcasm, although there appeared to be no element of humor in the delivery tone. It was uncharacteristic of Uhura to speak to him in such a manner. Even McCoy’s tone rarely was that harsh. Typically, that occurred only when the doctor was under extreme duress due to the captain being in danger.
A huff of frustration escaped Spock’s lips at the lack of Uhura’s responsiveness to his prior request for clarification. “Please elaborate, Lieutenant.”
“‘The imposter had some interesting qualities, wouldn’t you say, Yeoman?’"
Spock blinked. Uhura’s delivery style was clearly meant to mimic his speaking pattern.
Spock tipped his head. “Yes?” he prompted to encourage additional information, trying to understand how his comment had engendered this reaction.
“Janice trusted you. She told Fisher to call for you. I never thought you’d be capable of such a cold-hearted remark.”
The lieutenant’s assessment hurt, although it was not the first time he had been called cold.
“I was attempting to use black humor to alleviate any tension Yeoman Rand might have been feeling on the bridge in the presence of the captain.”
“By suggesting Janice wanted what happened. That she liked it rough. How dare you!”
Did my own desires —
“And another thing, how could you have questioned her about the attempted rape in front of the captain.”
Spock frowned. Why did I allow it? Standard protocol —
Uhura jabbed his chest as she continued, her voice elevated. “He shouldn’t have been allowed in the same room as Janice. Can you imagine how scared she must've been, even with you and Doctor McCoy by her side?”
Spock took a step back as a memory assailed him.
You say three students perpetrated the assault. The student body is present. Please name those you accuse. Call them forth.
Spock inhaled sharply, his heart racing in his side, as he remembered Master T’Katai’s command when he returned to school two days after the attack. He recalled how the terror of the attack assailed him when he saw each attacker glaring back at him in the rows of students. How he had humiliated himself when he failed to suppress his shudder of fear while standing on the stage.
The departing words of the lead attacker filtered through his mind. ‘You are as weak as your Terran ko-mech. Keep your mouth shut, or you will know what it is like to serve me as a female.’
He refocused on the lieutenant, who was staring at him. Her eyes were narrowed. Spock wondered if he had revealed himself somehow while remembering his past.
“I must speak to Yeoman Rand. Apologize. Apprise her of her rights.”
Spock started forward but yielded to Uhura’s firm hand on his wrist.
“Wait. I'm not sure Janice can handle seeing you right now.”
Spock stilled as Uhura’s eyes studied him.
“Let me talk to her first in private. I’ll contact you here if she’s agreed to speak to you.”
“Thank you, Lieutenant.”
***
Spock pressed the announcer at the door, stepping inside quickly as it opened and closed behind him. He glanced around the room's living area, noting the destruction of early yesterday had been cleared away. The paintings were again righted and on their easels. Not seeing Rand, he turned towards the bedroom area. Rand’s legs were tucked under her body on her bed. In her arms, she clutched a pink pillow. There were fresh black tear stains down her cheeks. Spock swallowed, knowing he had failed in his duty to her after the assault yesterday, and he had compounded his error earlier today.
He clasped his hands behind his back as he straightened his spine to face her.
“Yeoman Rand, I find I have much to apologize for.” He waited, but she refused to raise her eyes.
“Please feel at liberty to make a formal complaint to Lieutenant Commander LaFleur in Human Resources, or if you prefer, you may access resources outside the ship if you are concerned about impartiality due to my seniority on the Enterprise. The contact information is found in Section H of the Star Fleet Manual, sub-section 2(3). In addition, there are counselling services available to help you cope with the assault. Did Doctor McCoy provide that information?” While waiting in the mess hall, he had wondered if McCoy had had the time to provide that information before he and the captain arrived to question her or whether he had done so in the 38.2 hours since the assault. He was hopeful the doctor had discharged his duty to Rand better than he had.
Spock looked with concern when she did not respond to his question with so much as a nod or shake of her head. The fingers of Rand’s right hand were idly fiddling with the edge of the pillow she held. He noted two of her fingernails had jagged edges from her struggle yesterday. As he waited, he became concerned that his verbal advice would not be retained. He determined that he would confirm with the doctor himself if the counselling services information had been provided.
“I will send to your PADD all the information I just mentioned to the extent it has not already been provided so that you will have access to it. I will also provide you with the relevant sections of the Star Fleet Manual that I failed in my duty to uphold on your behalf. You may wish to engage legal counsel who may identify other failings. However, I will provide a complete listing within the hour. I will not dispute any charges, as I have no defense.”
Spock was relieved when Rand’s head tilted up as he finished his statement regarding the first matter he wanted to address. Her eyes held his. “I don’t intend to make trouble for you, Mister Spock, any more than I intended to make trouble for the captain.”
Spock was disappointed his message was not understood. A small sigh escaped his control. “You would not be making trouble for me. The consequences are mine to bear.
“I failed you.” He emphasized the three words by enunciating them slowly.
“After you charged the captain with assault, I should never have allowed him access to you. To allow him to stand over you and question—”
“When he came in, I was so scared,” Rand interjected.
Tears slowly leaked from her eyes. Spock watched as she brushed them away with the back of her hand, creating a dark smudge on her cheek. He was ashamed of how he had failed her.
“Rationally, I knew with Doctor McCoy and you there, nothing could happen. I was safe, but…” Rand’s voice trailed off as she hid her face in the pillow.
Spock waited. When her head tilted up again, he crouched down, releasing his hands from behind his back so that they rested on his thighs. He felt obligated to say something about his own experience; however, he found it impossible to provide the details he had intended to share when in the safety of the mess hall.
“Believe me when I tell you, I know what it is like to face those you accuse.”
“How could you, of all people, possibly know what I felt!” Her voice raised as her eyes flashed in anger.
Spock swallowed heavily as Rand’s eyes scrutinized him. He realized that perhaps it was too much to ask for her to trust his statement in such circumstances without offering more of himself. However, regardless of that fact, he could not bring himself to confess that out of fear of reprisal, he had not named the students who assaulted him in his youth.
I did not see their faces clearly. The words still shamed him.
He held her gaze. After 92 seconds, when she did not lash out again, he added, “You have my admiration, Yeoman Rand. You were braver than I.”
Rand gave him a nod. Spock took that as a sign that she accepted he spoke from experience and that she accepted his compliment on her bravery.
He stood up. “I am uncertain why I failed in my duty to you. I had been informed by Doctor McCoy about the captain demanding brandy. I had seen the aggressive duplicate of the creature from the planet. However, after questioning the captain, I simply accepted his proclamation of innocence. I had no logical basis for accepting his word over yours.”
A wry smile quickly ghosted the yeoman’s lips. “I think I know the problem. I’ve always been good at spotting a rival.”
Rival?
“There's an expression, ‘love is blind’.”
“Indeed,” he commented as he clasped his hands behind his back again, not knowing what to make of the strange remark. He decided to resume his apology and research the idiom later.
“Regarding my comment made to you on the bridge, it was my failed attempt at black humor. After the tragedy on Armal IV, I overheard two security personnel making what I thought were culturally insensitive remarks. Upon further research, I learned of the therapeutic aspects for humans of such humor, and inappropriately attempted to employ the technique to your benefit. After reminding the security personnel of the potential risks in such remarks when they are misunderstood, I failed to heed my own advice.
“I apologize for my statement.”
“I do appreciate your explaining. I always thought you were sensitive to the feelings of others. Nyota, Jane and I agreed that it didn’t seem like you to be deliberately cruel.”
“It was not my intention.”
“For a moment, when I got to my room, I thought you might be jealous.”
Spock raised an eyebrow. If she understands my sexual desire for the wolf, why does she not understand my remark? My research indicated black humor is most successful when the parties have a shared point of reference.
“I've seen the way you watch the captain when he’s pursuing a romantic interest. However, as I sat here, I knew that couldn’t be it. Who could be jealous of that animal?”
You do not understand. The wolf would be a warrior of equal strength.
Spock refocused himself on Rand, who had continued to speak as his mind wandered. “… a Kirk who lusts after my body. His kind and rational part loves you. That good half always chose to be by your side. I realize I don’t stand a chance against you.”
Could she be correct? Does the lamb in Kirk love me? Spock swallowed, unable to think of an appropriate reply. However, he knew he desired more than only what the lamb could offer.
Yet, will platonic love suffice if that is all Jim can offer? his logical half reminded. We need to consider beyond our own desires.
Agreed, his human half conceded.
Suddenly, Rand sat up straight. She tossed the squished pink pillow she had been holding at Spock. He instinctively caught it. As he stretched it back into its original form, he realized as he looked down that it was a heart.
Rand laughed lightly. “Don’t worry. I won’t tell your secret if you don’t tell mine.”
Spock was positive Rand did not fully understand the nature of his desire any more than he had understood hers. That she had discerned at all that he desired the captain in any capacity was disturbing. Am I as transparent to others as she is?
Spock handed the pillow back, pushing the troubling thought to the back of his mind.
He was pleased to see Rand’s spirits appeared to be recovering, but he also knew from personal experience the insidious long-term effects of an assault.
“Yeoman, please do consider availing yourself of counselling services and filing a complaint regarding my conduct.”
She shook her head. “I couldn’t do that. The captain would never forgive me.”
Spock cocked his head at the yeoman’s irrational concern. “It would be illogical for the captain to blame you for what are my failures.”
“And I don’t want to leave on bad terms,” Rand added, apropos of nothing.
Leave? Of course, she must be afraid. I should have realized she would feel vulnerable on the same floor as the captain. Spock did not want to acknowledge how many times he had stiffened in fright at the mere opening of a door behind him as he walked in the school hallways following his own assault. “I will have security posted this evening and will arrange a change of quarters —”
Spock stopped speaking when Rand raised her hand. Her clear blue eyes held his.
“It’s not necessary. That’s not why I’ve decided to leave. Honestly, it would be just too painful for me to stick around and watch the man I love eventually realize he's in love with you.”
Spock acknowledged her statement with more than just a simple tip of his head. The events of PSI 2000 were only 24 days past. He remembered the pain he had felt on entering the bridge to ascertain the captain’s well-being when he saw Rand standing beside his command chair. The recollection was only made bearable because of the warmth that spread through his being when Jim turned away from Rand to look at him once again and smiled. He allowed his eyes to reveal his own remembered pain. “I can understand your feeling in that regard. We will miss your presence on the Enterprise.”
From the look in Rand’s eyes, Spock sensed that she appreciated his candor. “I do thank you for your visit, Mister Spock.”
Spock tipped his head. “Good evening, Yeoman.” As the doors opened, he paused and turned. “I will post security this evening and for the next seven days. Please take this week to consider if a change in quarters would be desirable.”
“All right, I'll let you know.”
Stepping into the hallway, Spock felt the tension in his body flowing away. As he waited for the turbolift to return him to his quarters, he felt confident his next attempt at meditation would be successful. Apparently, he already had the love of the lamb. Spock would spend the time required to explore what he needed versus what he wanted. And if he could find the courage to reveal himself, then perhaps he would be able to confirm the desires of the wolf.
ko-mech - mother