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Prompt: Hi! I would love to read something from you featuring asexual Remus! - anon
It takes them longer to figure it out than it should have and honestly, that’s on them.
So it’s no secret that Remus’s particular sense of humor is equally as derived from what he finds funny and what makes the others the most uncomfortable. Logan did an analysis of it once and the results were 49%-51%. Which one is which varies but the quantities are incredibly consistent.
The trick is figuring out that the balance applies to Remus too.
And sure, the idea of Remus being uncomfortable is…difficult to remember sometimes, given that, you know, he’s Remus, but it’s there! It’s worth remembering! He’s a Side too! But considering his metric for ‘uncomfortable’ is wildly different from everyone else’s, it’s easy for them to overlook it. Maybe he gets some excitement out of grossing himself out too, maybe there’s a sick thrill in seeing just how close he can get himself to vomiting, honestly, who knows. Remus is Remus and that’s perfectly fine.
So here’s the big one that, again, took them way too long to figure out.
Remus is asexual. Not just asexual, sex-repulsed asexual.
Let’s reiterate: Remus is Remus and that’s perfectly fine.
It just…took them by surprise, is all.
“Wait,” Logan says, adjusting his glasses, “you’re asexual?”
“Those are the words I used,” Remus says, his head hanging off the couch.
“I—I heard you, I am…simply surprised,” Logan settles on, closing his notebook and setting it aside. “I would not have guessed that Thomas’s Sides would have different sexualities or romantic orientations.”
“What does it matter, Pocket Protector?”
“It doesn’t, it’s interesting to me.”
“Does that mean that all of us could potentially have different sexualities?” Patton’s head pokes above the counter as he digs for the good muffin tray—not the one Janus swiped three hours ago, of course not—in the cabinets. “Or no?”
Logan shrugs. “I imagine it would be possible, though I find it likely that at least some of us share Thomas’s.”
“My ears are burning,” Roman announces, plopping onto the couch next to his brother, “what incredibly gay thing are we talking about now?”
“Yeesh, Princey,” Virgil mutters, recovering from flinching horribly into the chair, “don’t do that, you scared the hell outta me.”
“Sorry, Virgil.” Roman taps Remus’s leg, hanging up over the back of the couch next to his head. “Why’re you upside-down?”
“Why’re you right-side up?”
“Remus…prompted a discussion on sexualities,” Logan says carefully, sparing a glance at Remus, “and we were debating the question of if we, as Thomas’s Sides, all have different sexualities.”
Remus kicks Roman in the head. “Told them I’m ace.”
“Oh, that makes more sense.”
“Really, and here I thought Remus beginning a complex introspective conversation was the height of character accuracy.”
“Payback,” Virgil sniggers as Roman startles horribly as Janus appears from behind the couch. “All jokes aside, I’m with L, I, uh, didn’t expect Remus to be ace.”
“Why not?”
Janus scoffs. “Couldn’t be the number of sex jokes you make on a daily basis, not at all.”
Remus shrugs.
“I think it’s just surprising considering how comfortable you are making the jokes, kiddo.”
“The fuck makes you think I’m comfortable with them?”
“Lang—what?” Patton’s head pops up again.
“A wild Patton appears!”
“Has Thomas…ever been interested in Pokémon?”
“What do you mean, comfortable?” Patton tilts his head, focused entirely on Remus and not the others making Pokémon jokes. “Are—are you not comfortable?”
“Remus isn’t exactly known for his ‘comfortable’ sense of humor, Padre,” Roman says, leaning back on the couch to make eye contact around Remus’s legs.
“But—but that—hold on.” Patton stands up—“ah! More Wild Patton!”—and puts his hands on the counter. “Remus, why would you make jokes that make you uncomfortable?”
Remus eyes him from upside-down. “Why does anyone do anything?”
“Sheer, absolute boredom, yeah, yeah, we get it,” Virgil sighs, “but it’s a good question, Remus.”
Remus just shrugs, only for it to dislodge him from his precarious position and slide toward the floor. Roman watches him collapse into a graceless heap and rolls his eyes, lying down on the couch.
“Hey! You stole my spot!”
“You’re the one who moved. Hey—!” Roman squawks in surprise as Remus throws himself on top of him. “You’re squishing me!”
“Too bad for you.”
“Remus,” Janus says softly, “are you…does sex make you uncomfortable?”
“Like maggots are crawling through my bones!”
The living room is quiet for a moment, enough to make Remus push himself up and stare around at them.
“What?”
“Sex isn’t something shameful, Remus,” Patton says patiently—and wow, isn’t that a surprise— “I promise.”
Remus rolls his eyes. “I know that, it just makes me want to rip all of my skin off and start over.”
“Why?”
“It’s bad enough I have to live in this meat sack,” he grouses, flopping back down and eliciting a soft ‘oof’ from Roman, “don’t need to be consciously reminded of it.”
“...‘meat sack?’”
“Oh, sorry, Lolo, ‘flexible container of mostly water.’”
“That’s not—well, yes, I suppose that is more accurate,” Logan says as he adjusts his tie, “but why would you choose to refer to your body as a meat sack?”
Remus shrugs. “’S not like I’d choose to be in this fucking thing. Evolution fucked up when it made us this way, at least we aren’t fucking horses. Oh, hey—“
“No,” Roman interrupts, “no jokes about that.”
“Spoilsport.”
“Remus?”
“What do you want, Snake-Face?”
“Are you…uncomfortable with your body?”
“Every day! It’s awful! I wish I didn’t have one!” At Janus’s muffled noise of heartbreak, Remus cranes his neck to look up at him. “Oh, relax, I’m fine, discomfort is part of my existence.”
“But it shouldn’t have to be.”
Remus huffs a sigh when he realizes that everyone else is looking at him with a similar amount of concern. Well, except Roman, but Roman gets it so that makes sense.
“I may or may not be being slightly dramatic, I am fine.”
“Can confirm,” Roman hums lazily, “comes with the Creativity gig.”
“Look, I just don’t like that it’s—it’s—“ Remus’s gaze lands on Patton— “look, Cookie Monster over there is allergic to cats, right?”
Logan frowns, glancing back and forth between them. “Yes, what does—“
“He’s not gonna die from it and he can still be around them, he’s just hyperaware of when there are cats and he can’t spend a lot of time around them without being really uncomfortable, right?”
Logan blinks in surprise. “Yes, I understand what you’re saying. Very clever analogy.”
“I am Creativity, you nitwit.”
He rolls his eyes fondly. “Of course.”
“So,” Virgil says cautiously, waving a hand at him, “you’re…good?”
“Yep. Goody-goody gumdrops, that’s me.”
“As long as you never say that again, fine.”
Roman gives him a hug. “I’m proud of you, Re, coming out is hard. Especially when you have to give people a vocabulary lesson when you do it.”
“Thanks, Ro-Bro.” Remus’s grin widens. “Does that mean I get to pick the movie for tonight?”
“What? No! It’s my pick! Hey! Hey!” Roman squeals as Remus starts to poke his belly. “Don’t! Dohohon’t!”
“Let me pick!”
“No!”
“Boys,” Janus sighs, reaching out and using his six arms to separate the twins, “that’s enough. Roman, what movie are we watching?”
“Pacific Rim.”
“Hey, wait, that’s what I was gonna pick!”
“See? There you go.”
Logan perks up immediately. “Does this mean we finally get to watch a movie with no romantic subplot?”
“And batshit physics.”
“We can overlook the batshit physics.”
“Whoa, L, what happened to you?”
“I…may have a greater appreciation for the cinematic depictions of the machinery.”
Patton just rolls his eyes and gets back to searching for the muffin pan. No movie night is complete without fresh baked goods. Ah, there it is, although he could’ve sworn he looked there a few moments ago…
Anyway, they end the conversation in the same place it started.
Remus is Remus, and that’s perfectly fine.