Chapter Text
Tyler’s been biting his fingernails.
It may not seem like a big deal to most people, but for those souls lucky enough to not be qualified as “most” people, seeing Tyler gnawing at his fingers is a sure signal that he’s upset about something.
Josh notices it almost immediately as he enters the studio that day. An unfortunate water damage in Tyler’s house has driven them to rent a separate space for the time being, and the mere way Tyler greets him in return that morning is enough for Josh to sense that something else might have happened.
It’s not about the pipes. Evidently, it's gonna be one of those sunny and overly hilarious days that he can consider himself a lucky man if he manages to pull at least three words from Tyler during the long and overly uncomfortable eight-hour studio session with him. It’s like the walls were getting closer and he shouldn't do any unnecessary movements around the already cramped space or his friend would snap.
He has learnt to cope with that. It's not like he’s the brightest person round-the-clock, not at all. They both had their bad days, and Josh knows to respect that.
He does his best at keeping the conversation going anyway; he might ask Tyler how he is, how’s Jenna, what has he been doing, what his favorite color is, and is happy to receive answers such as ‘good, good, nothing, I don't care.’
Josh considers this a victory, because there’s been days when Tyler hasn't talked to him at all. It might be hard to get Tyler going and tell what exactly he was so upset about when he's not talking at all. But the point is, Tyler is not feeling well and it's Josh's personal goal to make him feel better.
But Tyler doesn't want to participate.
All he wants to do is sit at the corner or in front of the computers, self-mutilate his hands until they are a bloody pulp and build an invisible castle with moats all around it to block out the rest of the world.
The scenery is not hard to imagine. Not talking is fine sometimes, but when Tyler shifts to destroy his skin, Josh knows it's bad and must be brought up in one way or another.
Today's the third day this has been going on, and Tyler’s isolated kingdom is growing stronger. There's a dragon circling over his castle, spitting fire that grows black clouds into the sky, killing the last bits of the sunlight.
Yesterday, Josh had considered bringing a sturdy knife to work with him so he could cut the thick, poisonous air in the studio, nice and tidy to build his own walls - just to show that he can be handy at this game too.
But he didn’t do that. Instead, Josh loaded an umpteenth cannon with friendly greetings and kind eyes, fired, and hoped for the best.
At this point, Tyler's defense seems impermeable, and today, Josh has gone as far as asking Mark to come to the studio and take his terrible puns with him, the ones he’s been vomiting all over the place since day one, and Josh has high hopes of making their friend smile at least once, but they fail at everything they try.
But hey, at least Mark is trying, whereas Josh is starting to abandon his hope alongside his dignity as a good friend.
They're not getting much work done at this rate, but it's still exhausting. Mark leaves to get some pizza for them, and that leaves Josh alone with Tyler. Tyler, who's been building his fort walls for three days now. Tyler, who’s sitting at the top of his mighty creation, up high and out of reach, biting his fingernails.
They don’t talk. They don’t pass out any ideas. They don’t listen to any music.
It’s just quiet.
Josh stares at Tyler's back. He's not sure if he’s gotten thinner. He's still seated at the computers, doing something Josh is not so sure of. He keeps watching him silently from where he’s sitting, having already taken notes of the dark circles under Tyler’s eyes, looking as though he hasn’t gotten much sleep lately. Wondering whether it has something to do with having to leave his house, Josh abandons every other thought and settles to just watching him.
He grows so focused on the back of Tyler’s skull that he doesn’t even notice him turning his head from the monitors and making the first real eye contact with him in days.
Josh flinches a bit as he does and wishes he could look away and just pretend that the whole thing never happened, but Tyler’s eyes hold him in some sort of iron grip that he can’t escape from.
The only thing he can do is blink back before his eyes start fizzling. He does just that and is surprised to find that Tyler is not staring at him anymore when he opens them again, but looking at his phone instead.
Their short little moment is over, and Josh mentally slaps himself for not opening his mouth when it still lasted.
He rubs his face in frustration and sighs audibly, maybe louder than what is sociable acceptable to get away with it, and Josh flinches for the second time when Tyler opens his mouth, asking a question with the rough, tired voice of his,
“You okay, Josh?”
Silence.
What?
Is that what Tyler is so concerned about now?
Josh can’t hold himself back and snorts in amusement at the thought.
Tyler turns back to him, clearly annoyed at Josh’s reaction to it. His brows are knitted together, his head tilted down as he looks alarmingly murderous at him. Josh is forced to swallow his nervous chuckles right then and there, so abruptly that his spit gets stuck in his throat, starting a coughing fit instead.
Tyler watches him intently, probably wondering whether Josh had lost his mind, and he only starts coughing even harder.
This is not helping.
Josh groans and leans on his knees.
“What’s so funny?” Tyler spits, not going back to his original question.
“No, sorry, it’s just…” Josh starts, and doesn’t know how to continue. Might as well dash towards the dragon, all the way to the final fight. “Are you okay, Tyler? Seriously.”
Some questions are hard to dodge, but Tyler does it without batting an eye.
“Fine,” he says as if his words weighed nothing and checks his phone again, seemingly forgetting about everything else as he frowns at the screen for a moment and starts typing again.
Josh stares at his knee, the spot where the tattoo of his friend’s name pokes through the ripped fabric of his pants. He waits, politely so until Tyler suddenly drops his phone, pulling his attention back to him.
The phone clatters against the floor.
“Dammit.” Tyler is angry as he bends down to pick it up.
This is his opening. Josh sees it, and he takes it. If he had to describe their next conversation in any way, Josh would call it a defensive war.
And the war must be levied now.
“Tyler,” Josh says and rests his arm over the backrest of the couch, shifting so that he’s facing his friend. “What’s going on?”
No answer. Josh doubts that Tyler even heard his question as he taps his fingers against his phone screen at a furious pace.
Okay.
This is it. Josh prepares to load his artillery one more time, having all his troops with him today. In his mind, he lifts his hand up, signaling his soldiers to get ready. It’s cowardly to confront Tyler like this, him being oblivious of everything, but if he wants to succeed, he needs to get him off guard.
He mustn’t fear the dragon.
His hand is still high up. On his mark -
Fire!
“You've been down for days now,” Josh says more loudly, and Tyler snaps out of it.
“What?” he asks as he lifts his head up. “I'm fine, I already told you.”
His eyes have sunken into two deep pits that stand in his face. Tyler’s walls are fine work when he sets his mind to it. It’s nothing new to Josh at this point. They’re taking little damage, but Josh has no problem doubling his efforts today— he’s going to keep firing until something happens, until they’ve found Tyler’s weak spot.
“Are you sure?” Josh asks him next. “You seem a little... miserable to me.”
Tyler processes his words before huffing and shaking his head, a child-like manner of his. He says, “No I don’t. I’m good. Couldn’t be better.”
The sturdy walls aren’t wearing down. They need to change the strategy. Josh thinks. He sets his mind on the gates. The masonry is weaker there. Nodding, Josh spreads his decision wide and far, hoping to make it through.
The firing continues.
“Okay,” he conforms strategically. “But I’m still a little concerned, you know? I mean this whole sulking thing—“
“Sulking?” Tyler repeats, amused. Oh, so now he’s laughing. “Dude, I'm okay,” he backtalks and turns back to the computers, and adds, “You're being irritating, now.” He starts clicking on the mouse, nervous. The plan seems to be working. Josh takes a mental step toward his friend, guiding the troops to the fort.
“I'm trying to be helpful, not irritating.”
“You're doing some fine ass work then.”
At this point, Tyler is returning the fire, or preparing to do so. Josh didn’t expect him to get so defensive just yet. Tyler’s words are just a bite of a mouse, but Josh retaliates, takes a risk, and pushes his men forward. They have reached the gates, and Josh tries to appeal to his well-acknowledged side of being a good friend.
“I just want you to know that you can talk to me.”
“I don’t want to talk. I’m perfectly fine on my own,” Tyler says and quickly checks his phone again, clearly avoiding eye contact again.
“But that’s the thing. You don’t have to do it on your own all the time. All I’m saying is that there are other people here to help you. If there’s something that bothers you, you can tell us.”
“I don’t need anything. I don’t want anything. And I certainly don’t need you guys to cheer me up. Thanks for trying though,” Tyler says sarcastically and puts his device down, turning back to the computers. And Josh, he shouldn’t get frustrated but he gets frustrated, wrong words spilling,
“Tyler, now you’re being an ass. I’m not trying to-”
“You know what, Josh?” Tyler says and turns back in a swift movement to look at him. “Just shut up. You’re pissing me off and I don’t want you near me right now,” he barks, clearly angry now.
Tyler’s pouring burning oil from the battlements, and Josh’s men are falling. One by one, they take a hit, fall to the ground, and stay there until someone grabs their dead bodies and picks them up. The air is filled with a thick cloud of dust. Everything smells like blood and burning flesh, and Josh needs to take the situation under his control—
“Hey, calm down. I don’t want to fight with you. Let’s just sit down and talk-“
Telling Tyler to calm down is a mistake. There is no sound, but Josh can see that something in Tyler snaps in half, unleashing a fit of words that come out in the most unexpectedly,
“Fuck you.”
Josh freezes. The battlefield is burning but he freezes. Tyler is staring at him without another word. The look in his eyes is so calm and menacing at the same time. Josh is set off instantly. It’s not about the words that were said but the way they were said.
He’s out of words and out of everything as Tyler looks at him dead in the eye and doesn’t seem to care that he has clearly hurt his feelings, which only makes it worse.
And just like that, the battle is over, and this is not what was supposed to happen at all. Josh’s men are a lost case, the remains retreating in haste as the dragon takes on its wings to drive away the rest of the survivors, drowning everything in flames, destroying everything it touches.
Their imaginary world is instantly collapsing. Back in the studio, not a single man is moving. They stare at each other, neither of them willing to back down from their stances.
Josh is the first one to give up. Their conversation wasn’t getting anywhere like this.
“Yeah, okay. I get it,” Josh finally says, giving up until throwing one last desperate attack. “So you want me to stop caring? To pay no shit about you and leave you alone with your issues? Because that’s the last thing I wanna do. I care, Tyler. That’s all I ever do,” Josh says in an honest tone, anger mixed into it.
It’s no use. His words pull no reaction from Tyler as he pushes him away from him. “Are you still talking?” he asks with a low voice and watches Josh get up and walk out of the studio.
“I get it,” Josh says again, stepping off.
By the time he’s out of the room, there’s a bad taste in the back of his mouth and he can’t help but think that everything is going horribly wrong at the moment. He’s pissed at Tyler for being Tyler and pissed at himself for the reasons he’s not so sure of.
Josh takes a frantic turn to the right and runs into Mark who’s carrying five boxes of pizza and two bottles of coke under his armpit.
“Whoa man,” Mark goes in surprise but doesn’t say anything else as he sees Josh’s face. He doesn’t need to see much to jump on the same page of the story. “Outside?” he asks instead and Josh nods, helping Mark to carry the bottles for him.
They settle on taking a little break on top of their break and drive to a nearby park. It’s cold in Ohio at this time of year, and the small park is empty from visitors. They stay in the car with the heating on as Josh had forgotten to take his coat with him.
He’s not that cold, but the pizza could be warmer.
Josh sighs as he bites into his food. They don’t talk for a while. It only takes the second slice, and Josh is already groaning, putting his food down.
“We had a fight,” he says, and it doesn’t even sound like a confession. “I tried asking him if something was wrong, you know, and it just… blew things up,” Josh explains and shakes his head in disappointment, looking out of the window. He sees his reflection on it, sees his own eyes staring at him and showing him his own desperation for all the unanswered questions.
Mark chews on his pizza. “Mm,” he hums. “I was kinda expecting it to happen at this point,” he says. “It’s not the first time that something like this happens when you guys are making a new album. I can see that it upsets you every time, though.”
“Yeah, I know. It’s just so sad that it keeps happening like this, and… yeah. We don’t fight very often, and maybe that’s the exact reason why it gets to me every time and makes me so anxious about it,” Josh ponders quietly and picks up the abandoned pizza slice.
“Maybe you both need a bit of unwinding at this point,” Mark says and adds, “Stress is a bitch when it comes to creative work.”
Josh nods in agreement. It’s just not that easy, taking the way the world is right now.
Things are building on top of each other, the shows are on hold, but can’t help to think that this is about something else on Tyler’s part.
Forced or not, they’ve been working hard for the new material even since they had some time off and everything was going well, apart from their poor amount of work they’ve gotten done this week, but that’s hardly a problem. They shouldn’t be that stressed, yet Tyler’s been quiet and getting easily annoyed.
Maybe it’s the album, or the constant darkness outside was just getting to him. Whatever it was, it might pass in a day or two by now, but Josh has a feeling that it’s something even more important and serious this time.
He can only keep guessing. There’s nothing more he can do about it at this point, but he’ll try later and see if it’s something that Tyler really doesn’t want to talk about.
Josh is deep in thought but Mark interrupts his inner turmoil.
“Well,” Mark starts, “we certainly can’t get rid of three more pizzas on our own,” he continues and points his thumb at the backseat where the rest of the food awaited to be taken.
“Yeah,” Josh says as he glances over his shoulder, and frowns. “Why did you bring five boxes anyway?”
Mark shrugs, “I don’t know. I guess the vibes just got to me after being in the same room with you two. I’m a stress eater. Didn’t want to take the risk that we’d run out of food, right?”
Josh chuckles. “That’s very thoughtful of you,” he says. “Thanks, dude.”
“No prob. And... are you okay?” Mark makes sure and rubs his full stomach.
“Yeah,” Josh says, fending off, but says it again more confidently. “Yeah. I think everyone’s just a bit pressured at the moment. We’ll sort everything out. Thanks for coming over in the first place, by the way.”
“Of course. So what do you think about going back to Tyler now? I think that neither of us wants to pummel with his hungry side now,” Mark says and huffs, thinking back to some old memories.
It makes Josh laugh in his seat, knowing all too well what Mark was referring to.
“Yeah,” he says. “Let’s go back before it’s too late.”
Mark nods, grabs the steering wheel, and makes a u-turn in the empty parking lot.
*
Josh feels remarkably better after having talked to Mark. He’s sure that they can settle their argument in peace after having calmed down a bit. On their way, Josh decides to act casually. A bad attitude would bring them nothing good, and Josh is determined to stay friendly even though Tyler wouldn’t return the gesture today.
Josh opens the studio door and calls for Tyler.
“Hey man, sorry for the wait, we have some pizza for you!”
For Josh’s disappointment, Tyler isn’t within a snatching distance as Josh had expected him to be.
“Oh,” Josh mutters and sets the boxes on a table with some free space on it.
“What is it?” Mark asks as he enters the studio behind Josh and sweeps his shoulders. It had started snowing by the time they made it back.
“He’s not here,” Josh answers and makes some room for Mark to enter.
“His car was still there. He’s here somewhere,” Mark says calmly and goes back. “I’ll check the lobby.”
“Okay,” Josh says and starts looking around the place.
It’s not just a studio place they have rented, but everything that came with it. Heading for the kitchen area first, Josh returns the same way he came to walk to the small living room area with two couches and a coffee table there, finding both empty.
He checks the bathroom too, but finds no answers there. Maybe Tyler went for a walk after seeing the snow.
Pulling out his phone, Josh starts writing a text for his friend. Taking a quick glance outside then, Josh takes a second glance as he sees someone standing outside.
Tyler is there, standing on the patio. It’s hard to see him when he’s wearing all-black clothes, blending in with the dark that winter brings with it, but the lights inside the studio are just enough to betray his disguise.
The discovery is enough to bring a little smile on Josh’s face as he more or less run-walks to the door. He’s about to leap through it, but stops as he actually sees Tyler.
He’s hunched over the railing - a poor sight with his head hanging low. Arms folded loosely around himself, Tyler is not even biting his fingernails, which throws Josh off immediately.
Josh sets his hand on the handle, letting it creak as he pushes the door slightly ajar. Tyler can obviously hear it, and his head snaps up, eyes locking with Josh. The look on his face is nearly crushing - it’s a mixture of anger and hate, but it’s full of sadness and remorse as well.
Josh tries his best to look civil as he opens the door wider and sees Tyler attempting to leave in a short fit of panic. It takes a hold of Josh as well. He lifts his hand up in a reassuring manner, and speaks quickly,
“Tyler, I just-”
“I don’t wanna talk to you,” Tyler says in an equally quick pace and starts looking for a way out, but Josh towers in his way, and doesn’t budge.
Josh stares at him, making Tyler shrink.
“Then why are we here?” he asks and closes the door behind him, and that’s that. “We could have easily skipped work this week if you wanted to. All it takes is a text, Ty, and you know it. We can’t get anything done this way. But you just keep forcing yourself into it,” Josh says, but Tyler has already turned away from him, arms crossed in defense, leaning back on the wooden railing. He’s not even trying to leave anymore.
Josh sighs, tries to be patient. “We don’t have to talk. Let’s just… relax,” he tries. Tyler considers his words.
“Just… what do you want from me?” he asks and looks over at him, scared as if he would be forced to expose something he tries to hide.
Josh licks his lips quickly and glances at the snowy railing that Tyler is leaning on. Tyler follows his gaze and doesn’t say anything, so Josh steps further to the patio and settles next to Tyler. The railing is freezing against his jacket-lacking body, but he tries not to care.
This is the closest they’ve been in days.
“I just don’t like seeing you like this.” Tyler is silent, his eyes nailed on Josh’s arm, but looking somewhere beyond that. His beanie is catching more snow as they speak. “I don’t know what’s wrong but I know that it’s not good for you.”
“You don’t have to know everything about my life,” Tyler retorts after a while, shifting his gaze to something else then.
“Of course not,” Josh says, understanding. “But I’m here for you if you need me.”
Tyler sniffles quietly, and then shrugs. “I think you’re overreacting. There’s nothing wrong.” He keeps saying the same thing.
Josh eyes the yard from left to right, and doesn't even try to search Tyler for eye contact anymore. “You’re lying,” he says knowingly.
Tyler makes no attempts to argue. They fall into silence again. The snowing intensifies at the same time; Josh’s attention gets stuck on it for a second as the air gets filled with the huge snowflakes that plummet from the dark sky, and it’s starting to cover the landscape even further with its stubbornity.
It’s cold. The small patio doesn’t offer them any kind of shelter as the harsh wind blows from the north, and Josh is really starting to crave the warmth inside the building.
In his shivers, he almost misses the utter look of pain on Tyler’s face.
But he doesn’t, and gets taken aback by the hopelessness and utter sadness on his friend’s face that it makes him nearly take a step back.
But Josh doesn’t do that either. Instead, he takes a step forward, throwing his arms around Tyler’s shoulders to hug him.
Tyler doesn’t flinch or pull away, so Josh pulls him closer and lets him rest against him.
Tyler is warm. The tension in his body finally melts after a while, his arms hanging limply on his sides. He’s still reluctant to allow Josh so close to him, but feeling the heat of his body settles him because at least Tyler is not pushing him away. Josh can still tell that he’s sad, that hasn’t changed one bit, but he likes to hold him like this, has always liked it, and he hopes that Tyler feels the same.
“How are you feeling?” Josh asks then, and Tyler’s answer comes without hesitation,
“Like shit.”
Josh closes his eyes. Tyler breathes.
“But it’ll pass, I promise. It’s gonna pass,” Tyler says in a miserable tone and doesn’t sound confident at all. He buries his face deeper into the crook of his neck, and continues, “I’m sorry for being so... angry at you. I didn’t mean it, I really didn’t,” Tyler promises and tenderly sets his hands on Josh’s side to loosely hug him back.
“It’s okay. I forgive you,” Josh assures and wraps his arms tighter around him. For a moment they’re just standing there, arms wrapped around each other until Josh speaks again.
“Hey Tyler.”
“Mm.”
“I’m here for you, okay?”
“Okay.”
Josh hopes that Tyler’s ‘Okay’ means ‘Thank you’ but he can’t really focus on anything at the moment. He’s not sure how long he keeps his arms around him, but knows that he’s definitely gotten thinner now.
It’s then when he notices Mark at the other side of the window, knocking against it. He’s smiling wickedly, pointing to the kitchen area with his thumb. He mouths pizza.
“And if it’s any help,” Josh says softly, “we have some cold pizza for you,” he finishes and laughs faintly.
Maybe Tyler is smiling too. Josh can’t tell, but he can feel him nodding against his shoulder as Tyler pulls slightly back.
“I’d like that,” he answers quietly.
They get back inside.