Work Text:
Dear Camille.
Today… was Christmas. In October. I know that sounds crazy but it was the work of a monster (Krampus) who had Santa in his bag.
Christmas… is a sore holiday for me. Then again, every celebration seems to be. Celebrations happen with Family. Mainly something I don’t have.
Commonwealth was a few weeks ago. That’s a whole other story.
The day of snow and celebration was okay at first, until I walked in and saw the lights all strung up and the merry laughter.
It… it remembered me of Christmas back home. All the years without my father and the few I had with him.
Sometimes I wish there was a spell to bring back every memory ever, like ones before you turn 3-4 or whatever the age is when your brain actually begins to store memories.
I want to remember everything about my dad, and my mom. I want that sense of family. I miss it.
But, what got me to write this was Alaric asked for a crossbow as we prepared to fight the monster.
And of course I fetched the crossbow he had given me before remembering who I was.
It was awkward but it lifted a weight off my chest. I still don’t know how I feel about that crossbow.
It makes sense. Trauma.. trauma can take years to understand (Emma told me that) and the fact I’ve lost my mom, dad and uncle in the same month? And in addition I was a tribrid, with all this responsibility I never asked for. There’s a lot of trauma, plus everything I haven’t even processed as trauma..
Anyways, I just wanted to say while this Christmas was different I’m still finding it difficult to get through the holidays but I’m trying. I have friends now, so that helps.
And I have Landon.
I know that is supposed to make me feel better but for some reason it doesn’t. Maybe it’s because of the means I got him. How he broke up with Josie and I haven’t checked up with her. I went behind Josie’s back when we talked about how he had made his choice and we could make ours, I made the choice to change Landons and send Lizzie after him.
This are so complicated but at the same time I can’t help but think how everything drama wise is so small in the scheme of things.
I just wish my parents were here. I miss them. It hurts a little less now, but I still feel it.
It’s getting pretty late. I better at least try to sleep.
Hope.