Work Text:
Part of a correspondence between Prince Angus McFife I and Hermit Ralathor in the aftermath of the fall of the Dark Sorcerer Zargothrax.
Added to the Dundonian Royal Archives in 1000.
Honorable Prince Angus McFife,
I would like to thank you for your formal invitation to the festivities celebrating Zargothrax’s successful defeat, Your Highness. (Although I would argue that, no matter how ostentatious a parchment and expensive an ink you chose for the occasion, sending a drunken Hootsman to my antechamber to deliver the letter along with a pint of beer does not make it “formal” by definition.)
However, I must decline your invitation.
I do not do so lightly, Your Highness, as I understand that the lack of my presence will cause you some level of distress in light of your ambitious plan to ask for Princess Iona McDougall’s hand in marriage. However, I have no intention of attending a feast full of kidney-dissolving drinks and intestine-burning foods only to be paraded around as some sort of figure of grandeur that I assuredly am not.
If you are considering a search for a quill and parchment to respond in argument already, I ask that you put that search aside temporarily, Your Highness, and hear out my reasoning.
Hermits are not heroes. The core qualities of a hero such as yourself -- selflessness, compassion, empathy, honor, generosity, strength, and the list of other qualities I have certainly missed -- are directly contradictory to the lifestyle of a hermit such as myself. Ever since I had chosen this lifestyle for myself, I found that it is most suitable for my own personality.
I have no patience for mortals. They annoy me. You annoy me, too, Your Highness; you just found a way to annoy me into helping you protect the Kingdom of Fife, which I happen to live in.
It was not heroism that led to me developing a suitable trap for a foolish dark wizard to get caught in when he wasn’t watching his step; the trap itself was actually quite trivial in terms of magic, a design I used many times for the purposes of capturing small prey on days I decide to indulge my human origins and eat a traditional meal. Likewise, it was not heroism that led to me agreeing to help but instead simple assessment of benefits and consequences that led to me realizing that I could return to my usual lifestyle quicker if I led you and your allies through the caves beneath the citadel rather than risking someone walking into a place they shouldn’t, such as my alchemy lab (or, demon lords forbid, my mechanics lab).
Thus, while I am honored by your views of myself and my actions, Your Highness, I must deny your invitation for the sake of not allowing you to unknowingly lie to your Kingdom about my nature. I am not a hero; I am a selfish hermit who has no interests in the petty celebrations of mortals, and unlike Zargothrax, I have no desire for mortals to worship me, either.
I hope the truth does not sour your festive mood, Your Highness; not just anyone would have the stubbornness to walk up to Zargothrax without fleeing, and even fewer would manage to swing a hammer that size and have it hit its target in the face of a bone-chilling fear aura. Your successful retrieval of the Three Artifacts of Anstruther’s Prophecy was no less impressive, though I am still of the opinion that the Vorpal Laserblaster of Pittenweem would have been a more effective weapon and that the Oracle of Anstruther had chosen to interpret the weapon from their vision as a Hammer purely to spite me.
I anticipate that you will be able to devise a far more brilliant plan to propose to the Princess without being limited by your lacking knowledge of my abilities. Should you struggle to come up with ideas on your own and find yourself considering asking the Hootsman for romantic advice, however, I implore you to write back in a week and I shall attempt to provide you with some guidance.
Likewise, should another threat appear on the horizon of the kingdom, you are free to contact me for aid if you believe the threat will interrupt my work or damage my home if left unaddressed.
However, please do not send a drunken Hootsman as your messenger of choice next time or you may run the risk of inexplicably finding yourself swimming in Loch Ness at a very unfortunate moment.
Still not a hero,
Hermit Ralathor