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“Jack, you have to talk to Gibbs,” Tony pointed out, emphasizing his words by pointing the spoon he was holding at her. The gesture with the spoon wasn’t exactly threatening. First of all, it was a spoon and second of all, Tony was thousands of miles from Jack. He was sitting in his kitchen in Paris, while Jack sat on couch in her apartment in DC. He was enjoying a late-night bowl of cereal, Jack was picking at the salad she’d brought home for dinner.
“I know,” Jack muttered as she set aside her salad and grabbed another pillow. She set it on her lap to raise her computer up a little more. “How do I do that? Can’t exactly say---hey Jethro, things are going great and I love you but I’m thinking of pulling up stakes and heading to Costa Rica, maybe open a beach bar,” she muttered as she swiped at her eyes.
“Well, yeah, probably better to not phrase it that way,” Tony said, trying to tease her just a little. “Does he have any idea you’re…you’re…what is the right word?” Tony asked as he pulled off his glasses and rubbed at his tired eyes.
“I don’t even know. Restless? Bored? Insane? No idea. If I can’t explain it to myself, how in the world do I explain it to him,” Jack said as she swiped at her eyes, taking a deep breath to try and stop from completely breaking down into loud sobs. “And I don’t know if he’s noticed anything. He’s been incredibly busy and stressed lately. Breena’s death and a whole bunch of other things have just been, just been weighing on him.”
“Yeah, last time we talked he looked as if he had the weight of the world on his shoulders, more than usual,” Tony sighed. “Did the ever find a reason for her death?”
“Apparently an undiagnosed cardiac defect she’d had since birth. Something genetic but Jimmy had Victoria tested and she’s fine.”
“Thank God for that,” Tony said as he picked up his phone and walked around the apartment for a few minutes. He checked on Tali, she was sound asleep, stuffed dog in her arms.
“Her death just hit really close for Jethro, which is completely understandable. I did my best as a friend, but lines got a little blurry and I felt I was edging towards a therapist role. So, I backed off and let him work through things with Grace. And he did, or he still is.”
“So things are just tough all around,” Tony said quietly. “Has he talked to Jimmy about things?” Tony just saw Jack shake her head. “Of course he hasn’t. Guess I thought Gibbs has come further along than he actually has.”
“Exactly, he’s much more open with the two of us, just hasn’t really expanded much beyond you and me,” Jack sighed. “He needs to talk to Jimmy, he understands more than anyone else here what he’s going through. Anyway, I’ll try to talk to him about my stuff in the next few days. Once I figure out what in the world I’m going to say. And before I figure out what to say, I need to figure out what I want to do,” Jack sighed.
“Okay and I’m here if you need anything, if either of you need anything,” Tony clarified. Jack just nodded as she wiped away her threatening tears.
Tony and Jack had become very close after he and Tali had spent time in DC the previous summer. They texted often and tried to FaceTime once a week, but with the time difference it was difficult. One of them was usually either up early or up late in order to make it work. They vented to each other about life in general and their respective relationships in particular. While the relationship between Jack and Gibbs was going well, for the moment, the relationship between Tony and Ziva was strained at best as Tony struggled to decide what was best for Tali as she was the most important part of his life. Both felt very comfortable being completely open and honest with each other, despite the fact they’d only seen each other face to face that one time.
“Tony, I should let you go, you must be exhausted,” Jack said as she checked the time in the corner of her laptop.
“I’m okay, I have nothing planned for tomorrow,” he assured Jack as he tried to stifle a rather large yawn.
“Nice try,” Jack teased. “Give Tali a kiss and I’ll talk to you soon.”
“You do the same to Jethro,” Tony said with a little wave before he disconnected the call.
Jack set the laptop on the coffee table, took a few more bites of her salad before putting the rest of it in the fridge. She found her phone on the counter and opened up her text messages, finding no missed texts. The latest case had the rest of the team working late. Her expertise hadn’t been needed and she’d headed home at a decent hour.
Feeling more than a bit restless, Jack wandered around the kitchen, setting up the coffee maker for the morning, cutting the amount in half as it was just her. Grabbing the first mug she found in the cabinet she let out a little sigh when she realized it was Jethro’s USMC mug, one he’d brought over to her place probably over a year earlier when they’d made an effort to leave a few personal items at the other’s house. With a glance in the pantry cabinet, she found other things which were only there because of him, a few bottles of Gatorade, his favorite hot sauce and a package of peanut butter Oreos. Jack was from the school of thought that Oreos should only exist in their original form. She closed the door with another sigh.
Heading down the hall into her room did not help her uneasy feelings. Once there she was faced with a pile of clean laundry on the bed, only half of which belonged to her. She put her things where they belonged before putting his in the bottom drawer, the one he’d long ago claimed as his. As she often did to get ready for bed, she pulled on a pair on leggings and a flannel shirt, one holding the comforting scent of coffee, bourbon and sawdust, despite the fact that she’d just pulled it out of the clean pile. She headed for the bathroom where she found their toothbrushes side by side, his bathrobe hanging from the back of the door and his razor in the medicine cabinet.
Everywhere she looked were reminders of him and the life they’d slowly been building together.
“How can I throw this away?” she asked her reflection as she washed her face off the day’s makeup. Not surprising, an answer did not come.
She heard her text alert go off and she headed to find where she’d left her phone. She found it on the kitchen counter under a dishtowel.
JG-not sure how long I’ll be here tonight. Probably just go home when I’m done.
JS-Okay. I’m probably going to go to bed early
JG-You okay?
JS-Yeah, just tired. I’ll see you tomorrow. Love you
JG-love you too
Jack tossed her phone aside. At least maybe he realizes something is up, she thought to herself. She curled up on the couch with a mug of tea, thumbing through the brochures she’d been quietly collecting over the previous few weeks.
A little after 9:00 she gave up and went to bed. She curled up, wrapping herself around Gibbs’ pillow breathing in the scent which at that moment held more heartbreak than comfort.
**********
Jack slept fitfully as she had for a few weeks now. She got up well before the alarm, figuring she would make good use of the time by heading for work early and getting in some time at the gym. The coffee maker got started and she headed to throw on some sweats and sneakers before packing a bag of work clothes.
She was well on her way to the Navy Yard before the sun even started to come up over the Capitol. Thankfully the NCIS gym was basically empty, there were certainly no members of Team Gibbs around. She put in her earbuds and went a few rounds with the heavy bag, a workout she usually enjoyed. The rhythm she usually found quickly proved to be elusive and she eventually gave up and ran on the treadmill instead.
Even with working out and taking a shower, she was still at her desk a few minutes earlier than usual. Her door was propped open, she figured she would have company soon. She finished the coffee she’d brought with her and contemplated making more as she heard Gibbs’ voice coming from the stairs. Jack took a deep breath and tried to set a happy look upon her face, instead she settled for neutral.
“Mornin’ Jack,” Gibbs said as he rapped his knuckles against the door before pushing it open all the way.
‘Morning. How’d you sleep?” she asked, trying not to sound overly enthusiastic. She took the coffee Gibbs held out to her with a smile and a quick kiss.
“Slept fine. You’re here early,” he said, perching as he did every morning on the edge of her desk.
“Yeah, couldn’t sleep so I came in and worked out,” Jack said. She took a sip of her coffee before walked to the mirror next to the door. She’d just clipped her hair up after her shower so she let it down and shook it out a little, not feeling all that concerned about what her hair looked like.
“You wanna get lunch later?” Gibbs asked. It was a question he asked most every morning.
“Sure,” Jack replied, giving the answer she gave every morning. Their lunch plans, on the average, ended up working out about twice a week. But his question and her response were part of their morning routine as was the coffee he brought and the kiss on his cheek before she sent him off to his desk.
*************
As happened with some expected frequency, the lunch plans did not happen as the words “grab your gear” left Gibbs’ mouth about 3 minutes after he’d left Jack’s office. It turned out to be a case out by Dulles Airport so they were expected to be gone the better part of the day by the time they drove out there, secured and investigated the scene, packed up the evidence and made their way back to the Navy Yard.
As a result, Jack left the office at noon and headed out for some food and more importantly some fresh air which she hoped would help clear her head a little. With no destination or cuisine in mind she wandered for a while along the river. It was a little chilly but she wrapped her jacket around her and let the cool crisp air wash over her. It was sunny and she spent time leaning on the railing overlooking the Anacostia River. There were a few boaters who braved the chilly weather to enjoy the early afternoon sun.
She got some Chinese takeout and headed back to her desk, thankfully not really running into anyone along the way. Kicking off her shoes she curled up on the couch under the throw with her shrimp and broccoli. She grabbed a legal pad and spread out her brochures on the coffee table as she ate. A few notes got jotted down and she started a Pro/Con list for moving on.
She didn’t get much further than one Con---Gibbs.
The thought of staying local but leaving NCIS had also occurred to her. She could teach, open a private practice, do consulting work. Hell, she could skip moving to Costa Rica and just buy an old bar locally if she wanted. Pride could help her out if she chose to go that route. But her ingrained wanderlust feelings were winning out even though she knew leaving would end in broken hearts for both her and Gibbs.
Why do it then, she thought to herself? What was so bad that she felt the need to uproot her life and start over again? At that very moment it was not something she could explain to anyone else. More importantly, she couldn’t even explain it to herself.
Jack set down her chopsticks and put the rest of her food in the fridge. She glanced at her Keurig cups, debating between coffee, tea or hot chocolate which was left over from Phineas. She decided on green tea. While the tea brewed she grabbed the brochures from the coffee table and put them on her desk.
****************
Jack watched from the catwalk as the team assembled in the bullpen after returning from the field. Tim, Nick and Ellie were gathered at the plasma screen while Gibbs was sitting at his desk, file folder opened in front of him as he rummaged around the desk clearly looking for a pair of reading glasses.
“Top drawer,” Jack called down.
Gibbs opened the drawer and pulled out his glasses. “Thanks,” he called back with a crooked grin. “You comin’ down to help?”
“Sure, let me grab my glasses,” Jack teased. She grabbed them off her desk, took a deep breath and headed downstairs to see what she could do about helping out the team.
****************
The sun had just set and Gibbs appeared in Jack’s doorway, file folder in his hand and a smile on his face.
The little verbal dance Jack and Gibbs did when he came into her office to discuss his need for a profile was perfectly “them”. The smiles and the flirting were comfortable and expected. Their twin laughs echoed through the room and for a second Jack looked down at her desk. The brochures were there, spread out so there was no way in hell Gibbs was going to miss them.
But the conversation moved to Jimmy and for a minute she thought she was safe. She tried to pivot the conversation to make Gibbs see that he was the one who needed to talk to Jimmy. And she thought just maybe she’d gotten through to him in that regard. It was then that Gibbs dropped his eyes downward and took a look at her desk.
Had Jack put the brochures in her bag instead of leaving them on the desk they might not have started the very long overdue and very necessary conversation.
When Jack said she was thinking about leaving, Gibbs just looked at her for a second, trying to process what she was talking about, because in his mind, his first thought couldn’t possibly be true, that she wanted to leave NCIS.
It was.
“Leaving what?” he asked, inwardly cringing at how awkward the words sounded. He knew damn well what she meant.
“NCIS,” Jack answered, knowing those four little letters would open up a flood of feelings and hurt and confusion on both their parts.
When Gibbs asked her, what was important and her answer wasn’t automatically something along the lines of---the life they’d been building together, Jack knew her mind was made up. She tried to explain the need to slow down her life, to just “be”. She’d used that phrase “I just want to be” lots of times with Gibbs and he’d always understood it. He also knew it was a reference to the movie “Bull Durham”. Gibbs didn’t have a lot of movie references, but he had that one and as you wish, from The Princess Bride.
The look on his face had been heartbreaking. It was the closest Jack had ever seen him come to just spontaneously bursting into tears. She watched as he took a deep breath, centered himself just a bit and left her office without a word and without looking back over his shoulder as was his usual custom.
The door barely had time to close behind Gibbs before Jack was in tears. She picked up the brochures intent on just ripping them up and quite possibly setting them on fire. But she stopped herself, instead shoving them in her tote bag, out of sight. She settled in the corner of her couch, thankful for the pants she was wearing as she pulled her legs up and hugged her shins. Tears flowed freely and she made no effort to stop them. She let herself cry for a good half an hour, until she ran out of tissues and had given herself a headache.
She realized the conversation had gone as well as she had expected. Which was to say it hadn’t gone well at all. They were both left hurt and confused, neither sure just where to go next.
Jack pushed herself to her feet and went to the bathroom to splash some water on her face. She grabbed a bottle of water out of her fridge and wandered around, feeling completely alone. Tony was the only who knew about her plans, as vague as they were. And as it was almost 2:00 AM in Paris, she would remain alone and misunderstood for the time being. She grabbed the well-worn hoodie off the back of her door pulling it on hoping the comforting smell of sawdust and coffee would help and not start another round of tears. The scent either helped or she was completely out of tears, she didn’t know which.
Eventually Jack grabbed the file Gibbs had brought her and settled down on the couch with it, hoping to distract herself with some work. It did and an hour later she had two pages of notes for Gibbs. She pulled off the hoodie and ran her fingers through her hair. Her tote bag got packed up and she went downstairs, hoping he’d gone home for the day and she’d just be able to drop the file on his desk.
Of course, luck was not on her side and he was still at his desk, reading something on his computer. He was clearly tired too, chin was propped up in his hand and he was struggling to keep his eyes open.
“Hey, here’s the profile you wanted,” she said as she handed him the folder with the original file and her notes. “You want to go over it?” she asked, hoping the answer was no.
“Nope,” he muttered as he took the file from Jack without looking at her.
“Okay. I’m going to head home,” she said as she turned towards the elevator. “I’ll see you in the morning,” she added quietly. She lingered by Ellie’s desk for a few seconds. Gibbs pushed himself to his feet and walked around the front of his desk. He looked at Jack and tried a few times to get some words out, but none actually made it past his lips. With a sigh he leaned against the front of his desk, hands braced on the edge. Jack turned to look at him with a sad smile. He gave her a weak smile in return and she crossed back to stand in front of him, arms crossed loosely over her chest and waited to see if he would say anything.
“Do you want to come over?” Gibbs finally asked. “We can just….be,” he offered with a sad smile.
“I think, I think I need to go home alone,” Jack whispered.
“Okay,” Gibbs replied softly. “Talk soon?”
“Yeah,” Jack whispered back. She cupped his cheek, kissed him softly and walked to the elevator. As the elevator door closed, she saw Gibbs swipe at his eyes, starting her tears all over again.