Chapter Text
Age 5
“Hi! My name is Chris!” His smile was so pretty.
“I-I’m Felix”
“It’s so nice to meet you Felix! Let’s be friends!” He has dimples too.
“O-ok”
We were standing outside on my front lawn. Our parents were talking, and these people were moving these big boxes out of a huge truck! Chris said he was moving again. He told me he moved lots of times already and hoped this would be the last. I hoped it was too, he was nice and his smile was really pretty! I hoped we could be great friends. My parents invited Chris and his family over for dinner, so I told him we should hide out in my room and play. He agreed happily, so I grabbed his hand and brought him into my house. It was quiet as my sisters and parents were still outside. I told him we could be as loud as we want, and we played tag and hide and seek for a while till we both got tired. He suggested that we take a rest, I agreed and we headed up the stairs to my room.
I got out my colouring books and coloured pencils. Chris helped set up the small table my dad usually sets up when I want to draw. We sat in silence colouring and enjoying our time together. I felt really happy. And sometimes when I snuck a glance at Chris he was also looking at me! I found it cute cause he would blush every time and hide his face with his hands. I went to pull his hands away from his face, and slowly brought them down. I smiled at him. He smiled back. He never let go of my hand, and I didn’t either.
Soon enough my mom came up and called us for supper. It was boring listening to the adults talk about adult things, but luckily Chris was there and we could talk about kid things. The evening went by fast, and I didn’t want this day to end. I was so happy to have a new friend, I didn’t want him to go back home. So, when his parents called him to leave, I grabbed his hand. I felt tears start to brim my eyes, he was my first friend why did he have to leave after we just met! Chris turned around and gave me his sweet smile, the one that showed off his dimples, he brought up his other hand and ruffled my hair.
“Don’t be sad Lix! We can hang out tomorrow!” my heart started to beat faster at the nickname. I blushed lightly, “Promise?”
“Promise.” He wiped my eyes and gave me a small kiss on top of my head. Our parents cooed and my sister, Rachel, made a throw up face. Chris just laughed at that. My parents finally managed to pry Chris away from me, and his family left, back to their new home. I missed him already.
I ran up to my room, and realised Chris left his drawings there. I grabbed them and ran downstairs, ready to run out of the house. My mother stopped me and picked me up, wiping her hand across my cheeks. I was crying again. She took me to the couch and cuddled with me for a while. She explained that I can’t just run out of the house whenever I want, which I thought was completely unfair. But she said that I could see Chris tomorrow, so I wasn’t that sad anymore. I could give him his drawings tomorrow! My mother carried me upstairs and helped clean up the drawing table and supplies. I got ready for bed, and she came to tuck me in. She whispered a small “goodnight my love” and kissed my head. The same spot that Chris had kissed. It made me feel all excited inside, thinking about the small kiss.
“Goodnight mommy” She smiled at that and closed my door.
“I have to fall asleep fast” I thought to myself, cause the sooner I fall asleep the sooner I can see Chris again.
Age 10
I had just gotten home from school, running from the bus to the door. Mum gave me a key so I can open the door all by myself! I run upstairs eager to put my books away and change, knowing that when I finish, I can go play outside with Chris. It’s a Friday and it’s an unspoken agreement between both of us, that as soon as school ends we meet at the park down the street and play until the sunsets. Then we have a sleepover of course, we change houses every weekend so we get to spend time with our families too. I pulled on a sweater and ran out of the house heading straight for the park. I still remember when mom told me off for running out of the house whenever I wanted.
“Felix!” I heard the familiar voice yell, butterflies catching in my stomach. It does that sometimes, only when I’m with Chris though.
“Chris!” I yell back, running into his arms for a hug. We usually don’t ever spend time together on the weekdays, so I always give him a hug when we meet.
“How was school today Lixie?” Butterflies again. Weird.
We made our way over to the swing sets as I talked about my day. I told Chris about the book we were reading in class and the adventures the character had. It made me really happy. Once we reached the swings, I jumped on letting Chris get behind me to push, knowing how much I loved it. I think he liked it too.
“Ready Lix?”
“I always am”
Chris grabbed the metal chains, pulling me back as far as he could go then letting go. It felt like I was flying, I could feel my hair flowing back, letting the wind hit my face. Chris pushed again and again until I was going really high. We were laughing, happiness filled my stomach (I think it was butterflies.)
I was screaming with joy, I loved this feeling. Suddenly I started going out of control, no longer in the straight-line Chris had put me in. I’ve never been this high before, and I definitely haven’t swung around. A tightness built in my stomach, I yelled for Chris to stop it but I was going too fast.
“Just jump off Lix! I think that’s the only way!”
Hearing those words made me more scared than ever. Jump off? No way! But after a few more swings I realized it was probably the only option. I shut my eyes tight, not wanting to see this. Slowly I let my tight grip on the chains go and jumped as far as I could.
“Hey Lix, are you ok?”
“Lixie?? Felix!”
I woke up in my bed, I felt a cold wetness on my head. I reached up to grab it but before I could, someone was taking my hand.
“Lixie?” A soft whisper came, but it felt like a scream in my head. I wanted to say something but the dryness in my throat prevented me.
“Water.” I barely managed to say, before a glass was brought to my lips taking away the painful dryness.
“Is that better?” Butterflies. Must be Chan.
“Yeah, a lot better,” I captured my surroundings finally, noticing that I wasn’t in my bed but Chris’, “What happened?”
“When you jumped off the swing, you hit your head pretty hard. You weren’t responding, and I know your parents aren’t home right now, so I brought you here. Mum said to put a cold towel on your head and let you rest. Speaking of, I need to call her back to let her know you’re ok.” Chris started to get up, I didn’t want him to go. I grabbed his wrist, “Don’t leave me.” I don’t know why I was acting like such a baby, but I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted to hug him. Chris looked at me with a look I can’t explain. I can’t tell if it was sadness or pity but he made his way back, this time getting on the bed beside me and hugging me.
“Ok Lix. I won’t leave you.” He placed a small kiss on my forehead, making my heart beat faster. He then rubbed my eyes, I only now noticed I was crying. I really am a baby. But I was happy one, because now Chris was here. I didn’t even care if our parents were worried, I just wanted to stay like this. Him holding me in his arms.
What I didn’t know back then, was that this could all be described with one word. All my feelings could be put into a single syllable. And what I didn’t know was that that word would change our lives forever.
Age 15
Every day was the same as always, get up, go to school, come home, do homework, sleep, repeat. I missed the days Chris and I would play on the weekends. He always says he’s too busy now. I miss him.
“Felix! Dinner!” My mom called from downstairs, I was about to decline saying I had “too much homework”, truth is I wasn’t in the mood for eating. Just as I opened my mouth to reply, another shout came up.
“Hurry up! You have a special visitor!” Visitor? Who could that be? As far as I know we didn’t have family coming, and no way it would be Chris. He said he was extra busy tonight, some “family thing.”
I trudged my way down the stairs, not looking forward to this “special visitor”. When I turned the corner though, I could feel my eyes light up. Chris, both of our families, standing in a long row, all holding presents. A big banner hung from the ceiling, “Happy Birthday Felix”. Oh my god, I’m so stupid, I forgot it was my OWN birthday! Tears started to well up in my eyes, I’ve always been a crybaby. Chris ran over to me, wrapping his arms around me in the biggest hug he could manage.
“Happy birthday my Lix.” There they were again, butterflies. I still don’t know why they do that when I’m with him.
Next thing I know, everyone is bursting out into song and my mum comes from the kitchen holding a big cake. The same phrase as the banner, written on it. I couldn’t control the huge smile on my face, grinning ear to ear. I looked at each person who joined me, all smiling. My family.
“Make a wish.”
Chris and I were sitting together at the table, the rest of our families gathered in the living room, playing games, talking about “adult things”, which I personally found extremely boring.
“So...” Chris started off. I felt myself unconsciously move closer in his direction, my butt now on the end of my chair waiting anxiously to hear what he had to say. “What’s ya wish for?”
His smile was so big, dimples on full display.
“Not telling~” I sang back.
“Oh, come on Lix! I wanna know!”
“It’s a secret!” I hummed, not wanting to relieve what I had wished for.
“Common~ I’m your best friend, I should know!” Chris was looking desperately at me, curiosity shrouded his features.
“Fine. But later, when we’re alone.” I said, sitting back in my chair and looking over to our families. His desperate face subsided, but there was still much curiosity behind his eyes.
“Ok, pinky promise.” He held out his pinky, wiggling it slightly waiting for me to wrap mine around his. I hesitantly brought mine up and wrapped it around him. I knew I couldn’t tell him what I wished for, that was for me to know and for him to NEVER find out.
We eventually joined everyone in the living room, playing games with Chris and I’s siblings. Our parents are still going on about life and taxes and whatever boring things adults talk about.
“I’m so happy you get to stay over tonight.” I said, curling up in my blankets and sitting on the couch.
The rest of Chris’ family went home a while ago, he managed to convince his parents he should stay over. They said it was school night and that he would be tired at school tomorrow, but he didn’t care, it was “his Lix’s” birthday and he wanted to spend as long as possible with him. My heart did that stupid pitter-patter thing when he told me, I let it boil down to just being excited we could have a sleepover for the first time since he started high-school.
“So, which Disney movie are we watching today?” Chris said, plopping himself next to me on the couch, pulling the blankets onto his legs.
“Peter Pan?” Chris’ face lit up at the title. Then a sudden wash of concern followed.
“But it’s your birthday! We should watch your favourite movie!”
“I like this one too Chris! Plus, you always look so happy when we watch it.” My cheeks flushed a light pink. I can’t believe I said that, now he knows that I think he’s cute!
“Y-yeah ok.” I didn’t catch the stutter.
We were half way through when Chris asked me a question. It was right when Tinkerbell was being sulky about how Peter spent too much time with Wendy.
“Ya know why I like this movie so much?” He whispered right into my ear, I could feel his breath on my neck.
“Why?”
“Tinkerbell is really pretty and cute… kinda like you.”
I swear I turned beet red at that. I turned around to look at him but he was already back in his spot, eyes fixated on the TV. I think my heart had to have skipped 3 beats, and those stupid butterflies were back.
We finished the movie in silence. The sounds of the TV and the chips we were eating filled the room. Loud enough to drown out my beating heart. My face flushed up every time Tinkerbell showed up on screen, seeing her just kept reminding me of Chris’ breath on my neck, his voice right next to my year, him indirectly calling me pretty. Something about it made my heart jump and heat run through my body.
We spent the rest of the night watching Mulan, playing a few rounds of COD, and eating so much cake and junk food we swear we would explode.
The clock hit 3, and we decided to head to bed, both coming down from our sugar highs. The butterflies had been in my stomach all night, it even started to hurt, now was my time to finally rest. Just as I was about to fall asleep, a small whisper came from across the room.
“Hey Lix. You awake?” It was Chris.
“Yeah. Can’t sleep either?” A small hum came from the other couch.
“There’s something I need to tell you, but I don’t want to.” My heart sank at those words. Why can’t he tell me? Does he not trust me?
“Oh, common Chris! Tell me!”
"Ok, I'll tell you. But I wanna know what you wished for first." My heart sank. I couldn't tell him. I was having so much fun, I completely forgot to make up a lie or an excuse or anything .
"Um... I-I wished for..." Come on Felix! Quick! Think!
"It’s ok Lix, you can tell me!"
"I-I wished for... um... I wished for us to be friends forever!" I blurted out whatever came to mind first. Friends forever? Seriously Felix? Of course, we'll be friends forever! I wouldn't even need to wish about that.
"Wow. That makes this a lot harder." What?
"What’s hard?"
"Telling you..."
“Telling me what? I’m your best friend Chris! You can always tell me anything.” A long silence. I swear I could hear his heart beating from across the room.
“I’m moving…”
“That’s what you were scared to tell me? Chris, we can still see each other even if you move! We won’t be a few blocks away but we can still hang out on weekends!”
“No. No Lix you don’t understand… I’m moving to Korea.” Shattered. Broken. Lonely. All present in his voice.
“N-no. No. You’re not,” I whimpered out. Tears started to pool in my eyes, running down my cheeks. “Y-you can’t! You promised we would stay together!” I didn’t know I was even shouting until Chris came over to me. Hugging me and telling me to be quiet. This can’t be happening.
“I’m sorry Lix. It’s already been decided. We leave in a week.” His voice still sounded shattered, that this is killing him as much as it’s killing me.
“A week!? Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” I blurted out in disbelief. I can’t believe he didn’t tell me this, I thought we shared everything. And to think…
“I just kept putting it off, I didn’t want to believe it myself. I thought if I just kept denying it, it would go away. But things started to get real once we started packing and everything’s in boxes now. I don’t wanna leave you.” The last part came out in hush, barely loud enough to hear. I hugged Chris tighter. We didn’t say anything after that, just crying into each other’s arms. We kept holding each other, till darkness filled our eyes and we slid into a tired slumber.