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MONDAY!
Scene 1: Bret , Jemaine and Dave are walking along the street. It is a blazing hot day, and the sun has brought out various street entertainers, playing/crying children and, most importantly, hot girls in skimpy clothes. The trio are looking cool (in a five years behind the times kind of way) in t-shirts, shorts and shades. They are eyeing up the girls.
DAVE: (To a passing girl) Hey, baby, hot enough for ya? Or do I haveta take my shirt off?
The girl walks by quickly, plainly disgusted.
DAVE: Yeah, sugar, that’s right, you just play hard to get. (To Bret) I love it when they do that. She’ll be back.
JEMAINE: (To a passing girl) Did you hurt yourself when you fell from heaven?
The girl ignores him and walks past.
JEMAINE: (To another girl) Did YOU hurt yourself when you fell from heaven?
BRET: (To a passing girl) I’m in a band. Quite...
The girl passes, oblivious.
BRET: ...quite a popular band!
CUE CREDITS! BRET AND JEMAINE EAT THINGS, EXERCISE AND PLAY MUSIC IN FRONT OF A BIG WHALE. INANIMATE OBJECTS BOOGIE. YOU KNOW THE DRILL.
JEMAINE: Phew! The sun really brings all the hot chicks out, eh, Bret?
BRET: (Looking around, somewhat overwhelmed by the sheer number of hot chicks) Mm. Yeah.
JEMAINE: (To a passing girl, apropos of nothing) I’m in a band, actually. In case you ever dreamt of getting with a rock star.
BRET: I’m also in the same band that Jemaine’s in.
The girl looks bemused and walks off. Something else catches Bret’s eye.
BRET: (Pointing) Aw, awesome! Look at him!
A man, Taika (duh), is doing diabolo tricks on the street corner. He is very cool-looking, with several tattoos. He is putting on a pretty good show, and has attracted quite a crowd.
JEMAINE: (Quietly impressed) Wow.
BRET: He’s so focused. He doesn’t even CARE about the hot girls.
JEMAINE: Yeah, it’s like he’s immune or something.
DAVE: He’s super cool. He’s fuckin’ FROZEN cool, man.
Taika glances in their direction and notices Jemaine looking at him over the top of his sunglasses. Distracted by smiling at Jemaine, he drops the diabolo and the crowd, no longer impressed, disperses. Taika picks up the diabolo and approaches the three guys.
TAIKA: (To Jemaine, wolfishly, and with a notably Kiwi accent) See anything you like?
JEMAINE: Yeah, that was awesome.
BRET: Your accent – you’re from New Zealand!
JEMAINE: WE’RE from New Zealand!
DAVE: What? Hang on. You guys are from New Zealand? What’s with the English accents?
TAIKA: (Holding out his hand to Jemaine, who takes it and shakes it awkwardly) I’m Taika. It’s such a relief to meet another Kiwi in this godforsaken place.
JEMAINE: I’m Jemaine. This is Bret, and Dave.
TAIKA: (Not taking his eyes off Jemaine and still shaking his hand warmly with both hands) Jemaine. What a great name. It’s kind of musical.
JEMAINE: (Suddenly feeling like he’s in with the cool kids) Well I’m in a band, actually. It’s my band.
BRET: It’s a two-man band.
JEMAINE: It’s a two-man band but it’s my band. Bret’s in it too.
TAIKA: Wow, you’re a rock star. I knew it. You have that bad boy look about you.
JEMAINE: (Compliment cup overflowing) Oh yeah, we’re pretty crazy.
BRET: We’re pretty bad.
JEMAINE: Yeah. We’re NASTY.
BRET: We’re just a pair of filthy, disgusting rock stars.
TAIKA: (Still looking at Jemaine) That’s great, Brad, but I’m actually trying to have a conversation with Jemaine here. (Whispering loudly) Is your friend always this needy, Jemaine?
JEMAINE: Yes.
BRET: I’m not needy! Jemaine! Jemaine! Hey, Jemaine! I’m not needy! I’m not...
DAVE: You’re pretty needy, bro.
BRET: (Sulking, as Jemaine and Taika go off together, having a conversation of which he is no longer a part) I’m not needy. I don’t need him around.
DAVE: (Placing a hand in conciliatory fashion on Bret’s shoulder) Dude, you’re his bitch.
Bret thinks about this statement. Cue montage (!) of clips of Bret being pushed around by Jemaine (not violently, just in a ‘Bret is here and he should be over there’ kind of way), following him around, wearing a wig and being spooned by him, and generally, yes, being his bitch. Cut back to Bret looking a little sheepish and shocked.
Scene 2: Bret and Jemaine’s apartment. Bret is on the phone.
BRET: No, I just don’t like him. I don’t trust him. I think he’s after something. I don’t know...what? No, I’m not being needy! (humph) That’s what Dave said. Dave. He works in the pawn shop. No, P, A, W, N. That’s right. Dave.
Eugene appears, as if from nowhere.
EUGENE: If I may interject...?
BRET: (Jumping and covering the receiver) Eugene, this is a private conversation! What are you even doing here?
EUGENE: I rearranged your fridge magnets in order of size.
Cut to the fridge. Eugene wasn’t lying.
BRET: Wow, that’s pretty impressive actually.
EUGENE: I know.
BRET: But get out, man! I’m on the phone.
EUGENE: Sure. I just wanted to say that your feelings of resentment for Taika might stem from a deep-rooted fear of losing your friend, Jemaine.
BRET: Go away, Eugene. (Back on phone) Sorry about that. That was Eugene. Yes, he always does that. (He glares at Eugene, who is now standing beside a line of size-ordered vegetables on the kitchen counter). So anyway, that’s the situation with Jemaine and Taika. What would YOU do? Yeah. Yeah. I guess you’re right. OK, thanks, man. I appreciate it. What? No, I don’t need cheaper car insurance. I don’t have a car.
TUESDAY!
Scene 3: Murray’s office. Murray and Bret are present, but Jemaine is not. Bret is sulky.
MURRAY: OK, band meeting! Bret?
BRET: (Mumbles something sulky and unintelligible)
MURRAY: What was that, Bret?
BRET: (Grumpy) Present.
MURRAY: Jemaine?
Shot of Jemaine’s empty chair. He is emphatically not present.
MURRAY: Where’s Jemaine, Bret? This is a scheduled band meeting. He should be here.
BRET: How should I know? I don’t care. I’m not his bitch.
MURRAY: Oh, language, Bret! Heavens!
BRET: Sorry.
MURRAY: This is the New Zealand Consulate, not some...den of swearing!
BRET: I know. I’m sorry, Murray.
MURRAY: I should think so! Now. (Concerned) Bret, what’s wrong?
BRET: Well I hardly ever see Jemaine anymore. He’s always off with his new friend.
MURRAY: Taika, you mean? Oh, what a...what’s the word?
BRET: (Quietly) Dick?
MURRAY: What a DUDE! He’s so cool, he’s like George Michael or something. You know that video, where he sticks it to the police by turning that bathroom stall into a disco? And then the policeman starts dancing? Genius! He’s THAT rock ‘n’ roll. AND he’s from New Zealand! He’s like George Michael and Neil Finn rolled into one.
BRET: (Mumbles) Yeah, well I hate him.
Jemaine arrives, out of breath from running, hot and sweaty and covered in grass.
JEMAINE: Present!
MURRAY: We already did the roll-call, Jemaine, and I’ve marked you as absent.
JEMAINE: Oh. Well. OK.
Jemaine sits down beside Bret, sheepish.
MURRAY: So where have you been, then?
BRET: (Every inch the catty girlfriend) Out with “Taika”? (He uses the universal ‘bunny ears’ gesture of demeaning someone by putting their name in inverted commas)
JEMAINE: Yes, actually.
Bret huffs and sulks.
MURRAY: Ah, Taika! So, how was it?
JEMAINE: It was pretty good. He’s like, the coolest guy I know.
BRET: I thought I was the coolest guy you knew.
JEMAINE: You’re like...third.
BRET: Third?!
JEMAINE: Third-ish.
Cue montage of shots of different things Jemaine and Taika did that day, narrated by Jemaine:
JEMAINE: We went on his motorbike.
MURRAY: Wasn’t that scary?
JEMAINE: No, Taika was very safety-conscious.
Jemaine and Taika are on a motorbike. Jemaine is holding Taika tightly around the waist. Taika’s expression is smug and horny and happy.
JEMAINE: He took me to this cool restaurant for brunch – that’s like half breakfast, half lunch. He’s CRAZY.
A trendy restaurant. Taika is feeding Jemaine morsels from his own plate with a fork. Jemaine is clueless and hungry. He evidently doesn’t find Taika’s behaviour suspicious.
JEMAINE: And then we just went up on the hill in the park and looked at the clouds.
MURRAY: That’s a bit...girly, isn’t it?
JEMAINE: No. It’s cool. It’s what Taika wanted to do.
MURRAY: (Thinks about it) Oh. (Satisfied) Well it must be cool then.
Bret looks incredulous.
JEMAINE: (Angry at Bret for not sharing his enthusiasm) Yes, it was VERY cool. And definitely NOT girly.
Jemaine and Taika are lying side by side on a grassy hill, looking up at the sky.
TAIKA: That cloud looks like New Zealand!
It does.
JEMAINE: Oh yeah...That one looks like an angel.
It does.
TAIKA: And that one!
The two clouds approach one another, then merge. Jemaine starts humming to himself. Music comes in as lots more cloud angels (presumably being imagined by Jemaine) fill the sky.
SONG: ‘ANGELS’
Back to the actual scene on the hill. Jemaine is still humming, looking up at the sky. Taika is looking at Jemaine, longingly.
One last shot of Murray’s office. Jemaine and Murray are enthusiastic. Poor Bret is very obviously left out.
WEDNESDAY!
Scene 4: Bret and Jemaine’s apartment. Bret and Jemaine are sitting on the couch. Jemaine is idly playing his bass. Bret is still sulking. All sets of objects in the room have been arranged in order of size.
JEMAINE: What’s the matter, Bret?
BRET: Nothing. Why should you care? You’ve got Taika now.
JEMAINE: Is it that I shrunk your sweater in the wash?
Jemaine holds up a ridiculously small version of Bret’s lion sweater.
BRET: No.
JEMAINE: Is it that I dunked your hand in lukewarm water while you were sleeping to see if you would wet the bed?
BRET: No.
JEMAINE: Is it because I put you under pressure when the context doesn’t really require it?
BRET: No.
JEMAINE: Are you absolutely sure about that, Bret?
BRET: I’m sure.
JEMAINE: I’m serious here, Bret!
BRET: I know! Flip! That’s not why I’m upset!
JEMAINE: Is it...because I gave that naked picture of you to Mel?
BRET: (Concerned)...there...aren’t any naked pictures of me.
JEMAINE: Is it that I took a naked picture of you without asking, didn’t tell you, and then gave it to Mel?
BRET: (Uncomfortable) No. Did you really do that?
JEMAINE: Do I have to write another song for you, Bret? Are you feeling bulimic again?
BRET: I was never bulimic! But yes, you could write me another song if you like. One that’s less gay than the last one was.
JEMAINE: OK, but I still don’t see what was so gay about the other one.
He has his mouth open to sing and is about to play the first chord when the doorbell rings.
JEMAINE: Oh, that’s Taika. Bye, Bret.
He gets up and leaves. Bret looks like he might cry.
Scene 5: Back in the same place. Bret is now playing chess with Eugene. Jemaine and Taika fall through the front door, laughing. Taika has a bottle of wine, unopened, in his hand and picks up two glasses (tumblers, not wine glasses) from the counter as he goes past. Bret gives them a dirty look as they pile into Bret and Jemaine’s room. When he looks back, Eugene has arranged all the chess pieces in order of size and is looking pleased with himself. Bret rolls his eyes and picks up a magazine to read.
Scene 6: Bret and Jemaine’s bedroom. Jemaine and Taika flop onto Jemaine’s bed, still giggling.
JEMAINE: I’ve never done so many cool things in one day!
TAIKA: (Opening the bottle of wine and pouring out two glasses) I’m glad you had a good time, Jemaine. I, er...I really enjoy spending time with you, you know.
JEMAINE: Yeah, I like spending time with you too. Is this...(He indicates the wine, unconvinced)...is this a cool thing to drink?
TAIKA: It’s a bold but slightly awkward little number...(A significant look at Jemaine, which Jemaine doesn’t register)...from New Zealand. That’s certainly how I like it. I don’t know about you...Jemaine.
JEMAINE: Well if you like it, it must be good.
TAIKA: (Barely restrained, watching Jemaine drink the wine) I’ll say it is.
Jemaine swallows the wine in one go, trying to look cool. He reels a little and blinks as if to clear his head. He’s not used to drinking so fast.
JEMAINE: (Clearly he doesn’t like it) Um...yum.
Taika is evidently pleased with the way the evening is progressing. He refills Jemaine’s glass, holding it steady with his hand around Jemaine’s. He doesn’t notice Jemaine grimacing from the taste of the first glass. Jemaine downs the second glass too, just to keep up appearances. One gets the impression that this isn’t the smartest idea.
TAIKA: You’re...a very good looking man, Jemaine.
JEMAINE: (Already tipsy) Yes, that’s true. But you don’t need to be jealous. You’re pretty good looking too. Pretty much any man would kill for your body.
TAIKA: What about you?
JEMAINE: ...What? (He genuinely has no clue what Taika is talking about)
TAIKA: What would YOU do for my body?
Taika is now uncomfortably close to Jemaine. Jemaine, though confused and slightly drunk, still has no idea why.
JEMAINE: Um...what?
TAIKA: Oh Jemaine, don’t tell me you can’t feel it too!
JEMAINE: (Trying to process the order) I feel...dizzy. I think it’s the wine.
TAIKA: The hell it is! (He puts his hand on Jemaine’s thigh and takes the glass from him, setting it down somewhere) Jemaine...I want you.
JEMAINE: (Uncomfortable, voice cracking) I’m right here.
TAIKA: Kiss me, Jemaine!
JEMAINE: (The penny drops) What?!
Taika kisses him on the lips but he pulls away quickly.
JEMAINE: (Instinctively) Bret! Bret!
Bret comes running in, brandishing the rolled up magazine.
TAIKA: (Confused, apparently heartbroken) I...I don’t understand! You don’t care about me?
BRET: What?
JEMAINE: (Guilty, realising what he’s done) No, no, it’s not that.
TAIKA: (Angry) What, so you’re just a homophobe?
BRET: Taika’s gay?!
JEMAINE: (Trapped) No. No. It’s just...I...I’m going out with Bret!
BRET/TAIKA: What?!
JEMAINE: (Putting his arm awkwardly around Bret, who just stands there, stunned) That’s right. He’s my...boyfriend. My lover. He’s a hot piece of ass.
Despite looking like a rabbit in headlights, Bret surreptitiously tries to check out his own backside at this statement.
TAIKA: Oh yeah, right. Don’t give me that, Jemaine. You two aren’t a couple.
JEMAINE: We are! We do it all! Kissing...um...blow jobs...
BRET: (Catching on) Sex.
JEMAINE: Man sex. Man on man sex. No...boobs for me. Yuck.
BRET: Yuck. We prefer...man parts.
JEMAINE: (Quickly qualifying) Each other’s!
BRET: Yes. Only each other’s. (Overdoing it) Jemaine’s is HUGE. (He mimes ‘huge’)
JEMAINE: (Pleased, forgetting for a moment that they are making this up) Aw, thanks, Bret! Bret’s is a little smaller.
BRET: Hey!
JEMAINE: But I like it that way.
BRET: He likes it that way.
JEMAINE: It makes the man sex easier.
BRET: I’m on top?! (To Taika, proudly) I’m on TOP.
JEMAINE: SOMETIMES.
TAIKA: There is no way you two are together. No offence, Brad, but Jemaine’s out of your league.
JEMAINE: (Genuinely angry) You shut up about Bret! I’ll show you he’s good enough for me!
Jemaine turns to face Bret, who looks rather scared, and whispers:
JEMAINE: Kiss me, Bret.
BRET: (Whispers) What?!
JEMAINE: (Whispers) Make it authentic.
BRET: (Whispers) Jemaine!
Jemaine kisses Bret full on the mouth, apparently very passionately. He falls on top of him onto Bret’s bed and pins him there, still kissing him. When he finally stops, both Bret and Taika look stunned.
TAIKA: I’m...sorry. I’m sorry, Bret. I didn’t realise. Jemaine, I...I don’t think we can be friends anymore. It would hurt too much.
JEMAINE: I understand.
TAIKA: (Crying into a hanky) Goodbye, mon amour!
Scene 7: Back on the hill, but this time it’s twilight and the two figures are Jemaine and Bret.
BRET: I don’t know why you didn’t just say you were straight.
JEMAINE: He was calling me a homophobe! I panicked. Maybe I AM a homophobe. Kissing him was pretty scary. Why did YOU play along?
BRET: You needed me, man. I’m always there for you.
Jemaine is quietly touched, and sneaks a quick glance and smile at Bret, who is looking at the sky.
JEMAINE: You know, Bret...Taika wasn’t all that cool, really. He was the needy one. You’re cooler than him. You’re like second coolest.
BRET: Is the coolest one you?
JEMAINE: Yes.
BRET: Hm. That’s OK.
JEMAINE: Can I sing you the song I wrote?
BRET: I’m OK now.
JEMAINE: I’m gonna sing it anyway.
SONG: ‘CHOIR OF EX-GIRLFRIENDS’
BRET:...That was gayer than the other song. That was completely inappropriate.
JEMAINE: You think everything’s gay.
BRET: ...Especially after you just kissed me, man.
Jemaine looks embarrassed. Bret looks a bit guilty.
BRET: Hey, Jemaine?
JEMAINE: (Butch) Yes?
BRET: That cloud looks like a giraffe.
JEMAINE: Oh yeah.
Scene 8: Bret and Jemaine’s bedroom. The boys are in bed.
BRET: Jemaine, you know when you kissed me?
JEMAINE: (Resolute) No. That didn’t happen.
BRET: Did you...um...did you like it?
JEMAINE: Shut up, Bret.
BRET: Because I’m pretty sure I felt your tongue...
JEMAINE: Shut up, Bret.
BRET: And I also thought I felt...
JEMAINE: Shut up, Bret! Go to sleep!
Bret switches the light off. Silence for a while. Then...
JEMAINE: ...Bret?
Soft snoring. Bret is asleep.
CLOSING CREDITS
THE END!