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It’s said that your world would fill with colours as soon as you met your soulmate—that the chime of the bell at first sight would prompt the world to paint your sights, that the vibrancy and mingling hues of the spectrum would make one feel alive, and your life to suddenly bloom at the sight of them.
But that wasn’t the case for him.
Ding—
Not when it happened a decade ago.
At the first splash of colours, the clothes of the people rushing past and towards Yin Yu were mostly a dirty blend of black and white, with the random flicks of red and yellow. He looked down at his own clothes, equally boring in his fully black shirt and fully black pants and fully black jacket. He had not even known they were all black. He just picked whichever had the same hue. The city buildings were a dirty mesh of metallic blue and brown—mirrors, he later realised—and he found the world so dull. The tarred road he was crossing was a flat black, marred with white markings and pierced by railings rusting at the edges.
But when he could first see colour, it was overwhelming. He did not know what to name those colours he was seeing. For eighteen years of his life, he had seen things in monochrome and after the first time he could see colour, he wished he couldn’t.
“Was that a bell...?”
He knew.
He knew he had met his soulmate in that crowd, but it was simply unrealistic to find them in that situation, wouldn’t it?
“Wow! The sky looks so different!” came a child’s voice beside him.
Yin Yu’s attention shifted to the sky and seeing the soft clouds in the light-coloured sky elicited a feeling of calm and some sort of fluffy emotion in him.
“It’s so pretty! It is so bright!”
“Wait, don’t look directly into the sun!” Alarmed, Yin Yu whipped his head around and quickly blocked the child’s vision with the thin novel he had already been carrying. Brown, doe-like eyes—a medium hue—stared up at him inquisitively and even in the shadow of his book, they seemed to sparkle. The boy could not have been more than ten years old, his clothes sporting a myriad of colours that made him look dirty. Wild, probably uncombed hair stuck out on all ends, and it reminded him of those lion mane’s he saw once before in a children’s book. It looked like the same hue too. What were the chances that they were potentially the same colour?
The boy looked another long look at him and Yin Yu stared back equally long to the point his arm was going numb from shielding him from the sun. What was this child thinking? Yin Yu felt like a prey in front of a predator, even if he was just a boy.
“W-Where’s your parents?”
The boy shook his head.
“No parents?”
A nod.
“...Where do you stay?”
Before the boy could answer, a large, chubby man knocked into them in his rush towards the train platform behind them. “Watch it! Stop standing there and blocking the way!”
The thick palm hurled towards them and instinctively, Yin Yu pulled the boy away and tried to stop the arm, only to yelp in pain at the force behind it. “We’re sorry! We’ll get out of your way now.”
“Tch. Unmannered brats!”
Who’s the unmannered one here, you rude pig.
Yin Yu kept the hopefully placating smile on his face and bowed his head until the man scoffed and turned away.
“Why did you let him hit you! He was so mean!” The fire raging ablaze in the boy’s gaze had Yin Yu do a double take. “It hurts, didn’t it? Big brother should not have stopped me!”
Stopped him? Oh, when I pulled him away? Wait, he was going to retaliate?
Yin Yu looked at the anger distorting what he initially thought was a cute face and sighed. Rubbing the sore spot on his arm, he said, “There are some fights you can win without fighting.”
Confusion spread across the boy’s face. Understandable. It was a concept hard to understand for a child his age after all. Yin Yu sighed again. He glanced at the large clock standing by the train platform entrance; he had an hour till the lecture started.
“Where do you live? I’ll send you home.”
What Yin Yu hadn’t guessed at that time was that their destination had been the same: the orphanage.
“Are you Yin Yu?” An elderly lady walked out to greet them by the entrance. “The one who’ll be helping us every Friday?”
Yin Yu mutely nodded.
“Auntie! I’m home!”
“You brat. Look at you, Yizhen. You’re all dirty. Where’s the soy sauce I asked?”
The boy named Yizhen gasped and hid behind Yin Yu. “I forgot! A bad guy was going to hit big brother and I forgot.”
“You didn’t fight, right! I told you to stop fighting! Is that why you're so dirty!”
With a hand raised, Yin Yu spoke gently, “He didn’t. The man didn’t manage to hit us. The child isn’t dirty ‘cause of that. Actually...”
Actually, Yin Yu did not even know why the boy was dirty.
Under the heavy, inquisitive gazes, Quan Yizhen shrunk and hung his head. “I saw a kitty. I chased after it.”
The events after were a blur, muddled in the rush of tasks and playtime with the children, but the one thing that struck out was that wild brunet that followed him wherever he went.
Ding-dong!
Yin Yu groaned at the incessant ringing of his doorbell, the sleepy haze curtaining his eyes brightening bit by bit and focusing on the door. His laptop had gone to sleep after a long period of inactivity and his tea was cold, just like the Autumn chill permeating his small studio room.
“Yin-ge! Yin-ge!”
Again? Does this boy not have classes?
He unfurled his crossed arms and reached for his mug, only to remember that no, he was not having his sweet, warm chocolate drink. He did not even know when the powder finished.
Nothing has been going my way. I’ve been having writer’s block for over a few months. I hate romance. Stupid romance. Why are you so difficult to write.
Getting to his feet, he straightened out his long-sleeved shirt and dragged himself over to the entrance, he turned the doorknob without unlatching the chain and opened it just ajar. Flatly staring at the tall, handsome young man from within the crack, Yin Yu asked, “What do you want, Yizhen? What about classes?”
“I only had a morning class! It’s already past lunch, Yin-ge,” Quan Yizhen exclaimed, unfazed at the other man’s rudeness. A navy sweater was worn over a white collared shirt whose bottom hems were peeking out from below the sweater. Paired with a long, light grey-blue pants that really did show off his calves and ankles, Yin Yu wondered if the guy had insanely good luck in matching his clothes and if could somehow spare some luck for him. Maybe even some fashion sense because in contrast to the handsome university student clearly attracting attention of passerbys, Yin Yu was dressed in a sloppy black shirt and grey, baggy pants.
“I’m not hun—” His stomach growled in protest. “You heard nothing.”
Quan Yizhen held up the bag in his hands. “I brought you lunch. I’m sure you haven’t eaten yet.”
“...”
Quan Yizhen sang his name and rustled the bag as though he was tempting a wild black cat with tuna, and to a certain extent it seemed to fit. Yin Yu hesitated for a few moments; his eyes fixated on the bag. He contemplated on rejecting the offer because accepting it meant that he had to let the young man into his home, which then meant that he had to put up with said young man, and he was not sure he wanted to deal with that when he had a deadline soon. There should be cup noodles in the cupboard, right?
“No, you do not have any more cup noodles, Yin-ge. You had the last one last night for supper.”
Yin Yu turned to glare at him, mentally rebuking Quan Yizhen for reading his mind. It would be a surprise if Yin Yu hadn’t gotten used to it after having been subjected to such situations for about the five years (out of ten) that he has known the wild child. Like a nail to the coffin, the younger one grinned and leaned forward cheekily, “And I bought refills of your favourite drink powder.”
“...”
With a relented sigh, Yin Yu begrudgingly unlocked his door and turned to return to his computer. “I have a deadline due next week. Don’t disturb me.”
“I won’t!”
Without even looking back, Yin Yu could literally feel the sparkles and smile in Quan Yizhen’s voice, and soon, he heard the soft clinking of utensils as the latter began to prepare the food.
At twenty-eight, Yin Yu was an author who did fairly well, and he was rather content with his position. Initially, he struggled. What could he write that was not written before? What story could he tell that had a new spin to old tales? What if he wrote something but no one liked it?
And that was the case initially.
Up until he was 20, that is.
At eighteen, he had met his soulmate. At eighteen, he unfortunately met them in the crowd.
At eighteen, he was legally a Spectrum; an individual that could see colours.
But the world of colours that expanded before him, though a messy splotch of paint on canvas, gave him new ideas—ideas that even he found interesting. Being able to connect the grey hues to the colours he saw, to connect the emotion and feelings so that even those that could not see colours could picture and experience the colours for themselves through the characters in his novel; all these… simply made him feel happy.
Yet, Yin Yu now stared at his open document, the blinking text cursor taunting him of his incompetence in not finishing his manuscript early. He did feel useless. All the words he wrote felt insignificant. All the words felt “heartless”, as though he was merely describing colours now with no feelings lacing them.
[Your readers want to read a romance story written by you.]
[There’s been a huge demand for your works in the romance section. It seems like the girls that have not seen spectrum want to feel love and colours through your words.]
Yin Yu tried. He really did try to write a love story. But, asking a Spectrum who’s never really fallen in love to write about love… was that not unrealistic?
“Yin-ge, the food’s ready!”
Newly heated food sat on his dining table that was perfectly fit for two. Hot soup and warm, steamed rice were accompanied by simple dishes. He could see yellow of the egg yolk in the soup, and he could the white rice decorated by the red of the sweet and sour pork and the green of the vegetable. Picking up his chopsticks (which were brown like Quan Yizhen’s still-untamed hair, Yin Yu offhandedly thought) and began to eat. What was love to him? He loved writing, but he was sure it was not the kind of love the readers were looking for. It was not the kind of love that made his heart skip or his cheeks flush, and there was only that much that reading could teach. His eyes fluttered up to glance at Quan Yizhen when a piece of meat was placed in his bowl.
“Eat more, Yin-ge. It’ll be easier for you to write when you’re not starving. My friends said that the pork from this shop is good. Try it!”
Perhaps, someone as good-looking as Quan Yizhen has been in love? Maybe he’s even dating someone? An innocent romance of two young lovebirds should be a good idea? If he stayed up and amended his manuscript, it just might be doable.
“Yizhen?” Yin Yu slowly chewed on the piece of pork. “Have you been in love?” A prompting question to ease into the potentially awkward conversation, but true to his character, Quan Yizhen was unfazed as he lifted his head and swallowed the food, the gleam in his gaze still as bright as Yin Yu first saw them.
“Yeah? I’m in love?”
The chopsticks holding the lump of rice paused before his lips. “You… are. Even though you can’t see colours?”
Quan Yizhen tilted his head. “But I can?”
“Huh!?”
The rice fell back into the bowl. Yin Yu’s mouth was agape as this time, he stared incredulously at the other man. Quan Yizhen was a Spectrum? He could see colours? He’s bonded? “…S-Since when?”
Yin Yu thought that his voice sounded unusually meek even in his ears.
Quan Yizhen licked his lips after finishing his bowl of soup, the warmth filling up his stomach. “For a long time now?”
But you never told me.
“Why are you asking such a weird question, Yin-ge?”
How is it weird? I never knew—Wait, why do I even care? Is that why he always looks good in clothes and not like some weird mismatched outfit he normally saw on people? Forcing a smile, Yin Yu said, “Isn’t that great? Do you go on a lot of dates? How does it feel?”
Quan Yizhen blinked his eyes at Yin Yu with a furrow between his eyebrows. He tilted his head while confusion painted his expression like a rare leaning summer sunflower. “We don’t go on a lot of dates? But it feels nice! I am always happy!”
Yin Yu placed his chopsticks down on his bowl, feeling his appetite disappear as though the morning rain showered upon him, ruining his plans and ruining his day, the rapid pitter-patter of the dark blue sky hissing like a wary snake. He could only take a step back.
“Good for you.” But he could not really contain the bite in his voice. Was it the lack of sleep? The stress? He felt like his vision was turning redder and redder; a white rose stained by red. Of course, luck would have it that Quan Yizhen had his fated pair while he remained stuck in the void of unknowing. Of course, he was just that unlucky. A deep inhale. And exhale. “You should stop coming here so often. You’re going to make me feel bad.”
“No, Yin-ge. Why!” Quan Yizhen shot up in his seat and his face fell, looking very much like a brown puppy soaked to the bone and kicked to the curb. “Is it the food? Is it not tasty? You haven’t said a word about it this time. Or is it when I finished your favourite chocolate drink powder and forgot to buy a new one—”
“You were the one who finished it! I thought something was up! I bought the drink powder just last month!”
“Yes, I'm sorry, Yin-ge. That’s why I bought you some more! Two even. I had to wait for my part-time pay yesterday. I'm sorry I couldn’t buy it sooner...”
“No, wait what? I'm not telling you to buy it. You don’t have to do that. Focus on your education. Use that money for uni.” Yin Yu sighed and dropped his head in his hands.
What else does Yizhen need for uni? Next semester’s textbooks? Rent. Utility bills... Does his part-time even pay enough to cover? At least I'm still paying for the food he buys, but maybe I should give more? He comes over so often. Isn’t his lover going to get angry? Even if I'm a guy, it is still rude to not spend time with her, isn’t it?
“Yin-ge! Yin-ge? Yin-ge...”
“What do you... Ahhh!” Yin Yu jolted in his seat at suddenly seeing Quan Yizhen up close, right by his face. “Too close! Personal space, Yizhen. Personal space!” He could feel the heat rushing up his neck and to his cheeks, and he was sure his face looked red like an apple. A pink lady apple, maybe? He wasn’t that red... he hoped. Quan Yizhen was like a walking... walking something that Yin Yu simply could not handle. He was one of those people who always looked cool, easily excelled in life and seemed to be made for greater things—and basically the total opposite of himself.
A hand gently placed itself on his forehead and Yin Yu flinched at the sudden contact, but did not shy away this time. “Are you feeling sick? Maybe finish the rice. I'll get you some medicine?”
“No... No, it’s okay, Yizhen. I'm not sick.”
“But... you’re being weird today, Yin-ge.” Quan Yizhen crouched in front of Yin Yu and folded his hands over Yin Yu’s knee. Resting his cheek on the back of his palm, he looked up at the older man.
Oddly, it was a nice sight to see. The contrasting white on black... nicely framed Quan Yizhen’s slight tan and the brown curls splayed over his leg, obedient and docile like a large housedog seeking affection. Quan Yizhen leaned into Yin Yu’s touch, closing his eyes in sheer bliss as the hand moved from his temple to play with the deceptively soft hair. It had gotten long, the locks having grown past his shoulders and probably stopped mid-back.
It used to be rough and tangled when he was younger too.
“What do you mean by ‘weird’?”
With a pout on his lips, Quan Yizhen turned to fully face Yin Yu. “I thought Yin-ge knew I could see colours? Aren’t you my fated pair?”
“…What!?”
“What?”
“What do you mean I’m your fated pair. Don’t joke around, Yizhen.”
“But I’m not! Yin-ge really didn’t know? I thought you knew!”
“No, no. Wait. Following that logic, it means that you saw colours ten years ago on our first meeting? We were in a crowd! How can you be so sure it’s me?”
“Because I saw a funny man wearing fully black clothes and thought he was a walking shadow!” Quan Yizhen grinned and giggled. He placed Yin Yu’s fallen hand back on his head and continued, “I was interested at first, but suddenly I heard a bell ringing and then everything I saw was different! It wasn’t just different shades of black, grey and white! There were people wearing different coloured clothes, mirrors of tall buildings reflecting the skies and other nearby shops. Green and brown in the trees, silver railings and orange pavements. The sky was so blue!”
Quan Yizhen raised his arms to wrap them around Yin Yu’s waist, rubbing his face into the other man’s stomach. “And I heard you ask if it was a bell. I remember Yin-ge saving me too!”
“You were a ten-year-old trying to pick a fight with someone probably ten times your weight,” Yin Yu rolled his eyes, but his hand never once stopped patting the hair.
“He was the one that wanted to start a fight! He was an asshole. What man would hit a child!” Quan Yizhen grumped and buried his face back into Yin Yu’s stomach. “It wasn’t only a few years later that I learned that we are probably soulmates. I thought you knew because you kept visiting the orphanage and even when I turned eighteen and moved out, you kept helping me.”
“Only because you kept pestering me...”
He giggled. “But you accepted me.”
“Because it was too troublesome to convince you to stop...” Yin Yu sighed and rubbed his face with his free hand. “You were—are still—like an energetic brown Samoyed dog chasing after his favourite toy.” Never thought I’d associate brown with excitement’ but then there’s... this man. “I don’t remember dating you.”
“But we’ve always had dates at home!”
“...You mean when you brought food over?”
“Yeah! Yin-ge hates going out, so home dates are better. And isn’t the way to a man’s heart through his stomach? I would probably burn down a kitchen or poison you with bad cooking, so I thought buying takeout was better.”
“...I thought you were just a meddlesome junior that wouldn’t leave me alone.”
“That too! Yin-ge was always taking care of me, so I wanted to do the same when I grow up!”
Yin Yu stared incredulously at the younger man. He was being courted without even knowing? But they’ve never done anything lovey-dovey or couple-y. Where were the pink lenses people said they would see? The roses in bloom? The sweet, heart wrenching passion where they yearn for their partner?
With Quan Yizhen... After years of knowing the boy-now-a-young-man and figuring out each other’s habits and preferences, he supposed they did get into a familiar rhythm, a comfortable rhythm.
And I suppose... suppose, that I wouldn’t like it if he wasn’t around.
And that’s when he had a revelation, but before he could ask, Quan Yizhen spoke.
“So, Yin-ge? Why did you ask?”
Frowning, Yin Yu proceeded to first explain the reasons for his questions and when he was done, Quan Yizhen again looked at him like a confused sunflower. “Why the face?”
“Because I always thought love was warm. It’s like the orphanage I was in and like Yin-ge’s home. I feel safe and comfortable here.”
Yin Yu still, for the most part, couldn’t accept such weird logic. “We never even kissed.”
“But I give Yin-ge kisses on the forehead and cheeks sometimes?”
“No, dummy. I meant a kiss. On the lips. How are you dating if we never did—”
Soft.
Warm.
In that kiss was an innocent sweetness, tinged with the salty savoury lunch they just had. It was a simple press of lips against lips, but in that touch was a million thoughts condensed into one moment.
And the matter of fact was, Yin Yu did not find himself disliking it.
When Quan Yizhen pulled back, Yin Yu saw, for the first time, a different expression on the younger man’s face. His blush looked like Spring’s cherry blossoms blooming on the branches, spreading from his cheeks to the tips of his ears. Unlike the usual sparkles in his eyes, there was a soft light gleaming in his gaze. Embarrassment? Pleading? Hopeful?
And Yin Yu wanted to see more.
“I—T-That was my first time! I don’t know if that’s what you meant but—mmph!?”
Out of curiosity and satisfaction, and perhaps some sense of superiority over the younger man, Yin Yu pulled Quan Yizhen’s head back down and kissed him again, lingering for a few seconds before pulling away, only to stifle a laugh at the sight. As if a deer caught between the headlights, Quan Yizhen stared wide eyed, flustered and red and confused on what to do, what to say or what—
“Yin-ge kissed me!”
No shit, Yizhen. If not who, then who? A Samoyed?
“Did you dislike it?”
“No! A-Actually... can I get another kiss?”
Yin Yu complied with the request. “Try and copy me.”
Quan Yizhen hummed against his lips and Yin Yu began to meld their lips together, threading his fingers through the brown locks and smiled when he felt Quan Yizhen mimic his actions. Addictive, somehow. Was it the influence of fate? Or was it just a whirlwind of passion?
“Bring me food for dinner tonight too,” Yin Yu mumbled against Quan Yizhen’s lips. “I’ll pay for it.”
“It’s okay! I have some spare money! I can use that to pay.”
“Spare? Aren’t I in charge of paying for the meals you’ve bought?” Hearing silence, Yin Yu grabbed Quan Yizhen by the shoulders distanced himself to properly look at the jittery orphan. “You... What did you do with the money I gave you?”
Yin Yu has been giving him money for food for years.
“Yizhen.”
Quan Yizhen flinched. “I’ve... been saving the money. I buy the food with the money from my part-time work.”
Yin Yu need not even voice out his interrogation because Quan Yizhen took a glance at his expression and crumbled. “I’m trying to save up to get a bigger place to stay. F-For us! I wanted Yin-ge and I to live together...”
“Yizhen...” Anger bubbled in Yin Yu’s chest. “You never asked me.”
“I wanted to save enough money first!”
“You’re a university student! You should be focusing in your studies instead! Don’t waste time thinking about all these other things and graduate properly!”
“But home with Yin-ge is what I want! I want to keep eating meals with you. I want to come home to a grumpy Yin-ge because you haven’t finished your manuscript. I want to share your favourite drink together. Watch television together! I just... want to be with Yin-ge more.”
Yin Yu couldn’t fault him for that. “You should ask me first. I’m also involved in this.”
“Will you live together with me!” Quan Yizhen pleaded, the shine in his warm gaze feeling like stars were shooting out and bouncing off Yin Yu.
“We’ll talk about this another day. Let’s quickly clean up, so I can work on my writing.” Yin Yu ignored the whine from Quan Yizhen. “Then, tomorrow we’re going to get you legally registered as a Spectrum. The classes you’re going to attend will change as well.”
“Oh.”
“You dummy. This is why you use that mouth of yours. Talk. Talking can work wonders, you know! Don’t always act before you think! It’s like that situation with the old man from ten years ago all over again!”
“Yes, Yin-ge! And I’ll clean up! And be quiet. I’ll be good!”
Yin Yu tiptoed and placed a kiss on Quan Yizhen’s cheek. “Be careful not to break the plates. And can I have—”
“—a glass of the chocolate?” They simultaneously spoke.
Quan Yizhen smiled from ear to ear. “Okay! Coming right up!”
When Yin Yu got back to table with his laptop, he tapped on the trackpad and jumped straight to the top. No, he was not scrapping the whole document, but he was going to change it up.
Love is different for you and me.
It comes in many forms, shapes and sizes. And romance to you, might not be the same romance I think about.
Being stuck in a flurry of passionate tangle of red, drowning in a tender embrace like the colour pink, or feeling giddy and excited like hearing your favourite song or being surrounded by a field of yellow sunflowers:
Each form of love is valid.
But to him, it was home.
Home was a place of safety and comfort, and he never had a home. He used to roam the streets before finding his first home as a child in an orphanage and it wad the first form of love that he learned.
And it was the form of love he sought after in his journey in romance, because at twenty years old, he’s found a home that made him feel so very loved. Perhaps, his lover could stand to be kinder and appreciate him more, but even then, the lover wouldn’t want it differently.
Because his stomach has already been caught.
To him, his lover was like the colour black. At their first meeting, the older man was mysterious, slightly clumsy even, but there was a strength that he fell in love with. There was a power mixed with a hint of elegance and sophistication, but there was a gap between that, and the home version of his lover, for at home, the black was a comforting colour that reset his emotions, where he could sink in and forget the world.
There was only him and his lover.