Work Text:
Private WhatsApp Chat
Resumed on: Thursday 21st January 2021, 1:17 p.m.
Members: Lily Evans, James Potter
================================
Lily Evans: I HATE that you're so consistently right about this
James Potter: yeah i know
my genius is a gift
however
it is also a burden
as uncle ben once said
with great power
Lily Evans: Babe, I have half an hour left on my break, please don't derail the conversation with Spider-Man again.
James Potter: you know i really think andrew garfield was let down by the script??? thoughts???
Lily Evans: Also, you don't even know what I was about to accuse you of being consistently right about?
James Potter: at a guess, france
or
optimal bathwater temperatures
or
that 80% cream to 20% jam on scones is the proper order
or
that andrew garfield was let down by the script
or
Lily Evans: SO I BOUGHT MY LUNCH IN BOOTS TODAY let's start there
James Potter: hahaha you clown
Lily Evans: ……WOW
James Potter: roflcopter you fool
Lily Evans: Roflcopter???
Suddenly it's 2006??
Sorry, I didn't realise that this was MSN Messenger on account of you weren't using bright green Comic Sans.
Brb signing out and signing back in again a bunch of times to get your attention.
James Potter: lily, if you buy your lunch in a fucking pharmacy you are asking to be disappointed i can't even take credit for being right about a universal truth
everyone knows this
i mean you're a spectacular brilliant woman and you smell like a meadow, but what logic are you applying to your lunchtime choices?
Lily Evans: The logic of "it was convenient"?
James Potter: good food is not merely "convenient"
as uncle ben once said
with great power
Lily Evans: If you finish that sentence I SWEAR
James Potter: fine i'll stop being really cool, what did you get?
Lily Evans: I mean, the box SAID it was a chicken and prawn paella salad
James Potter: LILY
Lily Evans: WHAT?
James Potter: if you're going to get a meal deal at boots at least get a tuna sandwich or something don't torture yourself by picking something that SOUNDS like it should be delicious when it really tastes like nothing and only has one prawn in it!
one prawn TOTAL!
Lily Evans: First of all, bougie much?
James Potter: i'm not BOUGIE actually i don't eat anything parisian
Lily Evans: Secondly, shows what you know because it had TWO prawns total.
How am I now the one defending my shitty lunch? Look at what you do to me.
James Potter: and a single piece of chicken?
Lily Evans: That's neither here nor there.
James Potter: and it tasted like…?
Lily Evans: Nothing.
It tasted like nothing.
James Potter: SEE?
Lily Evans: You know I came to you for sympathy, not judgement.
James Potter: god yeah i'm sorry, i apologise, this is unduly tragic
Lily Evans: It IS!
James Potter: an unconscionable miscarriage of justice
Lily Evans: I agree!
James Potter: truly a problem with no solution
unless
UNLESS
Lily Evans: I'm not going back to ordering from Hibox every day, if that's what you're suggesting.
Their driver was starting to judge me.
She didn't SAY anything but I could TELL.
James Potter: i was going to suggest that i make all your lunches for you but if you love lebanese falafel more than you love me, then sure
i get the message
the last three months have been magical, thank you for your time and goodbye
Lily Evans: Babe, you can't make all of my lunches
James Potter: why?
Lily Evans: And if you make that offer again I'll immediately take you up on it, so be careful where you tread.
James Potter: why can't i make your lunches? i make great lunches you love my lunches
Lily Evans: Because it's logistically unsound?
James Potter: it wouldn't be logistically unsound if we lived in the same place
Lily Evans: Lol what, me, you, Sirius, Peter, Algernon, the greyhound statue and your mother, five days out of seven?
James Potter: rebuttal, peter is one lost football bet away from convincing himself that life without helena is meaningless and running back to her, also i counted and the total number of hours mum spends dropping by per week doesn't even amount to a single day
yes, the number of instances is high
but half of the time she's bothering sirius, also if you consider the number of instances x time spent - (x + y) / 2 you get……something
i don't know how to speak maths
anyway we'd rather live at your flat
Lily Evans: We?
James Potter: me and algernon
we had a discussion and he's cool with it
Lily Evans: …………
James Potter: cool as a cucumber
a refrigerated cucumber
did you know that cats are scared of cucumbers?
there's this youtube video i saw the other week
Lily Evans: Are you being serious?
James Potter: yeah i'll find the link, hang on
Lily Evans: No, not about the cucumbers
About us living together
Because honest to goodness I just assumed you were joking but now I'm starting to think that you were posing a serious offer under the guise of dying on a hill.
Were you?
James Potter: i wasn't… not?
Lily Evans: Wasn't not what?
James Potter: not joking
Lily Evans: Wasn't not joking or wasn't NOT not joking?
James Potter: wasn't not not not
Lily Evans: ???
James Potter: if we could just circle back to what uncle ben always says
Lily Evans: JAMES
James Potter: lol
Lily Evans: If you are joking about asking me to live with you and giving me heart palpitations for no reason right now I swear to god I'll make you spend more time with my sister.
James Potter: no not karen please
Lily Evans: Don't think I won't do it, either.
James Potter: you'd only be hurting yourself
Lily Evans: I can text her and arrange a trip to a farmers' market right this minute.
James Potter: oh hey, didn't see you there!
Lily Evans: Fancy that.
James Potter: so i know it's only been three months since i first held you in my arms but i have fallen madly in love with you since
i mean i was also in love with you before but i've discovered it's a never-ending process
plus, i've seen saggy balls ed sniffing around you at your office, figured i better lock this down before it's too late
wanna live together?
Lily Evans: Because I'd really leave you for Saggy Balls Ed?
James Potter: idk if you knew this but his car instagram has 38 followers and 12 posts
Lily Evans: Three of those posts are even about cars!
James Potter: he's sticking to his brand at least 25% of the time, how can i compete with those stats?
Lily Evans: You can't, Ed has definitely got you beat in the very specific arena of "misogynistic car instagram accounts."
James Potter: if only you weren't so hot for misogynistic car instagram accounts!
Lily Evans: Chamois cloths and wax, mmm sexy.
So I guess you're moving in with me, huh?
James Potter: guess so
me and my cat and my magnets
Lily Evans: Your magnets?
James Potter: oh, right
well as you know i love your magnets
Lily Evans: The fact that that's NOT a euphemism is weirder than if it was.
James Potter: i knew after saint martin that i wanted to live with you and i knew i'd ask soon, so i've amassed a small collection of my own
you know, in preparation
if we run out of space i've also got a mini fridge so as you can see i've thought this through
this is the kind of organisational wizardry you are inviting into your home
Lily Evans: Technically it will be OUR home when you move in.
James Potter: \o/
Lily Evans: And you've really wanted this since November??
James Potter: would i be my parents' son if i hadn't?
Lily Evans: So what's my excuse for wanting it? I'm not your parents' daughter.
James Potter: it's because i'm so cute and loveable
Lily Evans: That's an undeniable fact.
James Potter: so when can i move in? tomorrow? don't worry about sirius i've been preparing him for weeks, we can get pizza afterwards then i'll give you three orgasms minimum
brb googling moving companies
ah, but sirius says they always try to stiff you
maybe i'll rent a van
how much do rent and bills cost i've never paid rent before this is exciting
Lily Evans: You know that we really need to stop reaching major milestones in our relationship via WhatsApp, right?
James Potter: it's fine i'll propose to you in person
Lily Evans: Thank you, I feel seen.
James Potter: you'll be like, why are you taking me to the beach, james? and then SURPRISE
Lily Evans: Thank you again for this information that in no way ruins the surprise.
James Potter: assuming it's a yes to tomorrow btw?
Lily Evans: Was there ever any danger that I'd say no?
James Potter: nah, you're really into me
Lily Evans: OMG how did you find out?
James Potter: you kept logging out and in again on msn messenger
Lily Evans: Damn!
James Potter: embarrassed for you tbh