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Shinobu couldn’t comprehend it. Every time she touched water and closed her eyes, suddenly her consciousness was robbed. It happened out of her control. She was being pulled into an empty space—a pitch-black void that overloaded her senses. It’s like being strangled alive. Then another pull, until her body hit the bottom of the seemingly endless space. It was terrifying—really, really terrifying—and she wondered if that’s how death felt like.
However, in mere seconds the next thing happened. All of a sudden light filled the space, as though all of it happened in just one dark room, and someone had just turned on the light. It was bright and clear as far as she could see—though only for a while. White mist soon crept in and flooded the air. There’s no distinct smell, just a fog that’s cold upon touch. Then she realised she was sitting atop of a puddle of water. Shinobu swung her hand and hit its surface. The freezing sensation nipped at her skin.
When she blinked, she saw a silhouette of a man. Everything happened too fast for her to understand, but there were voices calling her name. They rang softly yet clearly in her ears, echoing over and over again like a broken whisper.
Kochou-Shinobu-Kochou-Shinobu.
Who?
She wanted to make sure whether it’s just her hallucination or something else, but failed as her voice got tangled in her throat. Then she heard the soft sound of ‘click’, and just like that, it’s over and she’s back. Her eyes flew open with a jerk of her body, her breath uneven and ragged. The water enveloping her body in the bathtub was cold. The bathroom wall stared back at her emptily.
It’s like coming back from a spiritual experience, an odd one at that.
At first she thought she was only exhausted from schoolwork.
Until she experienced it again, this time in a dream. And everything was so real, because when she woke up she could still remember every detail perfectly; the cold mist, the clear voice calling out her name softly—like that voice originated from a deep, deep trench of longing.
And that silhouette... She remembered that strong back, looking miserable in its loneliness. She didn’t know why, but that figure felt extremely familiar to her.
That experience reminded her of how she always felt like there’s a world she’s supposed to know, yet not even one memory of it existed in her.
***
Shinobu felt like a mess when she stood before Tomioka-sensei during PE class, her brain inadvertently remembering that weird dream.
She was already on her way to being mental thinking of that dream, but now she was convinced she had officially gone crazy when the thought of Tomioka-sensei being strongly related to her dream invaded her mind. Shinobu herself didn’t understand. What’s the meaning of all this—her weird experience, her dreams, her wild thoughts? And why must him?
Tomioka-sensei, whom she had first met six months ago. Tomioka-sensei, who since then always received fearful looks wherever he went. (Almost) every student in Kimetsu Gakuen flinched upon laying their eyes on him, as he’s never without his wooden sword, grimacing at the imaginary pain inflicted by him in their mind on their back, shoulders, or arms. Though Shinobu was sure his sword would never reach her. She always abided by the school rules, after all. If anything, the distant and harsh aura emitted by his iron fist made her interested—though it’s not supposed to be that kind of interest.
Perhaps that dream was a product of reincarnation or something. In the end, that’s how she tried to rationalise it; although she still didn’t get why every time she thought of that dream, the face of her teacher followed afterwards.
Shinobu wanted to discard that dream from her mind, but every time her resolve got stronger, that mist yanked her back inside, forcing her to relive that dream over and over again.
***
“Nee-san? Do you know about reincarnation?”
She asked that question while scrubbing the dishes, foam drowning her hands.
Kanae, who was preparing their dinner, replied to her question with a moment of silence, as she looked at her younger sister’s back.
The older sister opened her mouth after some time, voice unsure, “Yes. In short, you’re being reborn to settle any unfinished business you had in your past life. Like you’re brought back to life to see it done.”
“That sounds easy.”
“Not at all, Shinobu-chan. What if you don’t have any memory from your past life, even though it’s crucial to finish what we need to do?”
“You sound like you really believe it, Nee-san.”
“Oh, you’re asking because you don’t believe it?” Kanae stood beside her, and squeezed her shoulder in a reassuring grip. “What’s wrong, Shinobu-chan? Want to talk about it?”
Hesitantly, Shinobu shook her head. “No, that’s not it. I believe it, but...”
When she turned her head, she found Kanae’s loving gaze on her, and it filled her with unexplainable warmth. That gaze... She felt like she had seen it before in a different time and place—in a different life.
“It’s nothing, Nee-san. I’m just curious, that’s all.”
“You sure there’s nothing else?”
“Yes. After hearing that from you, I truly believe it now.”
“You know you can tell me anything anytime, Shinobu.”
“You really are kind, Nee-san. Thank you.”
***
She didn’t know how many dreams had yesterday’s made. But the dream shadowed her brain in PE class again.
What happened during PE class was unpredictable. Tomioka-sensei was standing at the edge of the court spouting nonsensical instructions, and she stood there among her classmates who were obediently following his orders out of fear of being the target of his wooden sword.
Their objective was to run to the finish line set on the other side of the court.
Shinobu could hear the excited cheers of her friends when she was running toward the finish line. But the world suddenly spun in her eyes and she felt a sharp pang on her knee, her shin throbbed in pain. She had tripped on her feet and fallen down.
Shinobu tried to rise and used her one good leg to support herself, but she was taken aback by the sheer worry on Tomioka-sensei’s face as he examined her. She almost didn’t believe what was currently transpired. But that teacher insisted for her to go to the infirmary, and even tied his clean white handkerchief around her knee to stop the bleeding.
She could feel the widened eyes of her classmates on her when Tomioka-sensei lifted her body in his arms, all watching with high interest.
Her heart thumped loudly in her chest as she felt the touch of his strong arms below her thighs and against her shoulders.
Maybe Tomioka-sensei was simply doing his job as a teacher, giving extra attention to his student who’s suffering from a wound.
But then they flashed in her mind. Cold mist. Silhouette of a man’s back. Voices calling her name.
Shinobu struggled to be put down, but all of her protests and efforts fell into deaf ears. On the contrary, Tomioka-sensei became even more stubborn, holding her tighter until they reached the infirmary.
***
“Tomioka-sensei! For goodness’ sake, that was so unnecessary! Did you really have to carry me like that? I can walk by myself!”
No one would’ve guessed that this stern teacher, who had a hobby intimidating his students with his wooden sword, would immediately jump into that kind of situation and help his students, especially female ones. If it’s purely a teacher’s worry, she sincerely hoped no gossip spread among the students.
That teacher looked like he knew what she was thinking. “I hate letting my students bear the burden by themselves. It’s just my habit. I’ll help anyone in need, be it you or the others.”
Shinobu traced the bandage that wrapped around her knee lightly with her fingers.
“Perhaps the girls will hate me after this, since I got to be hugged by you,” she laughed dryly, tone void of humour.
Tomioka just shrugged. “Where’s your gratitude?”
Her eyes fell on the metal tray on the side table. There lied his white handkerchief, smeared with the crimson of her blood.
She smiled faintly. “Yes, yes. I’ll thank you when I return your hankie.”
***
Shinobu dreamt again, but there’s something different. This time that mysterious figure in the mist moved, turning his back toward her direction. And time slowed down when his face finally came into a full view, his eyes staring back directly at hers.
She was dumbfounded. The mist might cloud her vision, but she knew that face. It was unmistakably clear.
Tomioka-sensei.
His gaze looked empty, yet one tear rolled down his cheek.
Her heart throbbed in reciprocation. It hurt.
***
Shinobu was certain this time, and that certainty helped her gather enough courage to drag her PE teacher to the school’s backyard. Under the tree’s viridian canopy they stood facing each other, with Tomioka as the one being interrogated.
Her memories of last night were crystal clear. What she didn’t expect was his immediate answer, easily said through his lips, doubtless.
“Yes. I know of it. Reincarnation,” he said. “And I know you are that person.”
Aghast, she blinked.
“What?! So you had those dreams as well and you know it’s me in your dreams, but you don’t plan to say anything?”
It was obvious that he’s not lying. Shinobu caught the bare honesty in his eyes—he didn’t look surprised either, though he had looked at her funnily before—like this was a long-awaited moment for him.
The older guy replied with a simple nod. “Yes. But at first it’s not a dream.”
“Not a dream?”
A shake of his head, then his expression softened, and fell into one of sorrow.
She didn’t miss the way his eyes looked beyond her, past her shoulders.
“Was it like when I accidentally fell asleep in a bathtub?”
He didn’t reply. Curious, she spun around to follow her teacher’s gaze, and found a butterfly flying low across the violets scattered around the tree. The mix of blue and purple of its wings glimmered under the sunlight.
Shinobu looked back at him. He nodded.
“It’s sort of a medium, Shinobu. Water is what brings you into that dream. Mine is a butterfly.”
She casted a glance at the butterfly once again. It settled gracefully on one of the flowers.
“You get those images when you look at butterflies.”
“Yes. Back when I was your age. I tried to ignore it, initially.”
“But my image just wouldn’t leave you?”
Once again he nodded. “You see that butterfly? Believe me when I say I was extremely annoyed seeing it everywhere I went. And you know that drifting feeling when you’re in that world. I felt it every time I saw that butterfly.”
“When exactly did you realise I was the one?”
“Same as you. In the dream when I slept soundly.”
A wave of stings and aches suddenly hit her chest. Even though Shinobu had only remembered a little, she had already experienced this level of pain. But this man probably had already gathered all of his memories.
Her legs trembled in realisation. She bowed her head, avoiding his eyes.
“So why didn’t you say anything, even when you helped me yesterday?”
Her fingers weaved behind her back. His white handkerchief tucked between them.
A harsh sigh escaped his lips. “I don’t know how to tell you, Shinobu. Because remembering hurts. You feel it too, don’t you? When you recover your memories, every piece is accompanied with pain.”
He’s lying.
But Shinobu couldn’t find words to say, words that depicted what she truly felt, as she handed him his handkerchief with her head hung low, still reluctant to meet his eyes.
“Thank you for your handkerchief, Sensei.”
Then she forced her legs to run.
***
After that her memories came back piece by piece. It’s not a calm river that flowed on a flat, low land, but a rainstorm, or a torrential current, drowning her mercilessly, excruciatingly.
She started to remember parts of it; nichirin, wisteria flower, slayer corps. It continued to the specific details; demons, blood, slaughter, death, agony, loneliness, and falsity. Then a new round of memories where she met new faces, the memories of her time as a Pillar—and of getting closer to someone . Sometimes the flashback was in the dusk light reflected on the surface of their matcha tea, or in the faint smile before a bowl of salmon daikon, or in the night where butterflies gleamed softly, to a warm embrace accompanied by a secret promise. After that she was brought into a black, dark hole that eerily filled with a sickening, mocking laugh, where she felt pain, anger, blood, blood, blood, and death—
Shinobu tried to scream, but it got stuck in her throat.
In the end, she just tucked her dark memories in the deepest part of her mind.
***
She decided to skip PE class by sneaking into the infirmary.
The fact that Tomioka-sensei was the most stern teacher in Kimetsu Gakuen didn’t deter her. Her reluctance to meet him was far greater. Yet even after two weeks of waiting for warnings or sanctions for skipping classes, there’s no news from him. She’s still safe.
Does Tomioka-sensei know why I avoid him?
Shinobu took a weary breath as she lay on the infirmary bed, closing her eyes without any intention to sleep. Sleep became a long nightmare she had to go through with those painful memories, and she had enough of it. There must be something she could do to break free from this chain of pain, or else she would die because of it.
They can’t die before doing what they’re supposed to do in their past lives.
What was it, though? She hadn’t even remembered everything in specific.
***
It’s the third week of her skipping PE class.
Today her class arranged a short study tour to the largest botany garden in the area.
Shinobu was extremely excited for the event. There were some species of plants and rare flowers she was intrigued by. Drowned in her personal research, when she came by she was already separated from the group.
It was under the canopy of wisteria flowers when she realised she had lost.
Purple petals of wisteria hung beautifully above her head. There’s a strange sense of nostalgia raging in her heart when the wind blew, swaying the branches and bringing out the sweet smell of the flowers. This was a smell of the past.
Shinobu twirled on her feet, stretching her hands in delight as she danced. Why didn’t anyone tell her there’s a gorgeous place like this?
But when she wanted to return to real life—looking for her friends and rejoining the group, that is—she froze. Tomioka-sensei was standing in quite a distance, but his eyes were fixed on her, looking as surprised as she was.
One second felt like an eternity at that moment. She wanted to turn around and walk the other way, but she decided to take steps toward him instead.
***
“Sorry for disturbing you.” Awkwardly Tomioka started the conversation. “Looks like we got separated from the group.”
Shinobu wondered why a PE teacher would be here on this biology study tour, but that’s not what’s bothering her. Now, there’s only one thing she yearned to know.
“How long have you endured that pain all alone?” she asked.
“Eight years, maybe?” Tomioka answered. And the story flowed swiftly. “I was certain I would find you, after knowing your face from that dream. So I waited. But it never crossed my mind to see you during the entrance ceremony as a student.”
“It must feel even more painful for you.”
“Well, yes, it did hurt. But there’s no need to worry or to rush, Shinobu. Those memories will return to you slowly, one by one.”
Then an unsettling silence. Shinobu was a bit relieved that he hadn’t said anything about skipping PE class.
A butterfly suddenly flew high past their heads, robbing both of their attention. She recognised the pattern on its blue-purple wings. It’s the same as that butterfly they had seen the other day.
“I’ve remembered most of them, Sensei.”
“Really?”
“Yes,” she affirmed. “I know what connects us—it’s that promise I hid from you. Because I brought it to my grave without telling you about it.”
“Will you tell me now, then?”
When she finally mustered up the courage to finally look him in the eye, she froze. It felt similar to that time when she’s inside that world of cold mist.
His eyes were like a clear, deep blue sea, searching for a way to go past her barriers.
A torrent of nostalgia washed over her as fast as she recognised it. Her heart beat faster as she returned his gaze, looking at him with a knowledge of the past.
“Demon Slayer Corps. Do you remember, Sensei?”
He nodded solemnly. “We’re the Pillars.”
“It’s my mission to kill that Upper Moon—“
“You planned it without saying a word to me.”
How surprising. They remembered it as if everything happened yesterday, not half a century ago.
“I’m sorry. It didn’t feel like something I should talk to you.”
“How about now?”
Thirty seconds passed as she considered her thoughts. “What I want to tell you is... I regret it very much, Tomioka-san.”
She’s amazed she’s brave enough to call him that and not Sensei. For a moment she’s worried he would get angry at her, but his reply was the manifestation of their life-long waiting.
“So, do you want to fix it?”
“I want to. But I’m worried I cannot keep my promise again.”
“It’s not that hard. Just... stay right here, Kochou .”
Shinobu recognised that call. So when she found longing in his sapphire eyes, she really wanted to fall into her teacher’s embrace.
She nodded her head, or at least she thought she did, because she didn’t have the chance to say, ‘Yes, maybe I can promise you this time.’ There’s a soft thump, then a warmth on her lips. A mint aroma and a sweet taste that melted her being, flooding it with thousands of feelings. Shinobu didn’t need to stand on her toes, as he had already bowed his head for her.
She wanted to stay in this moment and savour it, a melody as beautiful as the flapping of butterfly wings that danced together with flower petals. Because Tomioka was every drop of her tears; her world that was once lost. But now that she had found him, she promised she would never let him go ever again.