Chapter Text
Dave and Rose on Space Jam 2
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 03:05 --
TG: rose
TG: hey rose
TG: rose for dicks sake this is of utter importance dont make me look desperate
TG: which im not btw
TG: picture me chillin on my sweet ass new couch having 3 am thoughts but like in a enlightened im a wise guy way
TG: earth to rose im feeling like fucking laika up in here
TG: wait that doesnt make sense
TT: Long suffering sigh…
TT: Hello, Dave. What exactly is so urgent that you decided to come knocking at my door at three in the morning? Me and my beautiful wife were sleeping, mind you.
TG: thank god you showed up
TG: so you know space jam right
TT: …
TG: rose you know space jam right
TT: Oh, hell no. I’m not about to engage in, I assume, Space Jam sequel discourse with you. I already made that mistake with Home Alone 3 and I’d like to think I've learned my lesson ever since.
TG: the kid whos not macaulay culkin fucked it up so bad i still get war flashbacks to this day
TT: What a coincidence, I’m getting war flashbacks too.
TT: And you happen to be the stressor and the trigger.
TG: they really thought that reusing the exact same formula with a completely different cast would somehow still be a quick cash grab
TG: i mean what the fuck is scarlett johansson even doing in there
TG: but i guess they werent wrong because they went on to make home alone 4
TG: which manages to be even more rage inducing actually
TT: Why won’t these dreadful words stop popping up on my screen no matter how much I want them to? When will the words cease?
TG: dw ill spare you the home alone 4 review
TT: Thank the Eldritch Gods.
TT: Sorry. The Ē̸͔ļ̵̞̖̣̙̟̗͇̭̝̜͕̟̝͚̘͔̋͊̽̋́̽̒̃̍͘͜͜͝d̷̛̤͍̺̪̗͎̤̱̩̲̣͔̜̱̝̈́̿̆̕͝͝r̷͚̭̞̂̀̍̓̾̏͐̈́̆̓͝i̴̧͎̼̤̫̗̝͓̞̯̳̘͇̭̥͙͎͈̦͊̎͊̆̈́͗͗̒̏̈̈̔̀̑̂͐͝͝ͅẗ̷͙͖̜͓̞̩̣̗̙͕͕̯͇͓͓́͜ͅḉ̸̨̨̧̨̨̞̰͚͎̞̭̰͉͔̙̤́͐̍̿ͅh̶̨̧̡̢͇̙̜͍͕̯̮̙̪̪̓̈̂̃͝ ̴̧͈̟̺͚̹̹͇͔̟̌̈́̃G̸̡͖̮̗̗̤̻̠̤̹̗̥̓̀͊͑̑͒̽̆̉̈́͗͜͝͝͝͠ơ̴͔̘̥̼͉͍̤͒͊͊͌̋̍͛͋̏͌͝ͅd̷̥̖͉̖͇̪̮͙̰̻̘̏̈̃̈͑̀̍̈́͑̆̐̐͝ş̶̺͙͍̹͈̤̝̘̠͕̭̫̝̻̪̅̇̈̅͌̏̐͂̽̄́̓̕͜ͅͅͅ.
TG: but only because weve got a lot to unpack with space jam a new legacy
TG: oh spoopy
TT: Have you perhaps considered the possibility of nagging your boyfriend about your calamitous cinematography hot takes? You know, instead of coming to me?
TG: believe me ive tried but he wont listen
TG: he literally just groaned and walked out of the room
TG: he was covering me like a warm blanket and now that hes gone im all cold
TG: no joke my nipples are harder than the block of ice where walt disney is cryogenically frozen
TG: my heart is emptier than our fridge
TG: thats how fucking helpless i am without him rose
TT: Ah, how romantic.
TG: whoever will i talk to about this if its not you
TG: brb im gonna cry myself to sleep
TT: Okay.
TT: I’m definitely going to regret this, but I will sit in for him. I will do it, I will take the bullet.
TG: fuck yea
TG: can i get a fuck yeah sis
TT: Fuck yeah… Sis?
TT: Oh, nevermind. That’s me. I’m the sis.
TG: yes you are
TG: its you
TT: Very well then, let me and my unbearably blinding phone light find some place away from my beautiful, gorgeous (and again, sleeping) spouse.
TG: is it true that she sleeps with her eyes open
TT: No, but she does glow in the sun like Edward Cullen. A little bit.
TG: sick
TT: Okay, I’m at a safe distance now. To answer your question from before: Yes, I do know Space Jam.
TG: youre a real one
TG: so i could tackle a lot of things but you remember how there was this huge controversy about how titless lola bunny was right
TG: you know liberals taking away the sex appeal of female characters and ruining everything they touch and all that jazz
TT: I heard. Like the cup size of a cartoon rabbit was, excuse my words, a federal fucking issue. For all I know, she could be wearing a sports bra.
TG: so true
TT: What are you getting at?
TG: oh nothing i was just thinking
TG: d cup or a cup
TG: bugs bunny would probably still scramble to get pegged by her
TT: See, I'm above being shocked by your wondrous brain fabrications at this point, so I'll entertain your claim if only to say this one thing.
TT: I'm no Looney Toons enjoyer, but your pegging headcanon actually holds water considering Bugs Bunny spends a considerable amount of his time in drag.
TT: Now, there is obviously no direct correlation between those two things, but I'd argue that heterosexual guys (or bunnies, in this case) that don't mind emasculating themselves are more likely to take on traditionally feminine roles in the private sphere. i.e. their sex lives.
TG: all of this opposed to what
TT: As opposed to self affirming macho men whose sole hobby is to denigrate women, I guess.
TG: so you think that straight guys who are into pegging are also feminists by definition
TT: Okay. No. I take it back.
TT: I agree with what I believe to be an implication that Lola Bunny is a "girl boss", but I do not see Bugs Bunny as anything other than a man baby whose insouciance is a reflection of poor character rather than an aloof trait.
TG: interesting
TG: very interesting indeed that you just argued that bugs bunnys alleged metrosexuality plays a part in his perception of power dynamics yet you think it doesnt define his world view
TG: i dont know rose thats a little narrow minded of you
TT: Hm, is it now? Mansplain it to me then, brother dearest.
TG: since you asked so nicely
TG: id say that dudes taking a silicone phallus up where the sun doesnt shine is intrinsically revolutionary like
TG: bugs bunny might be a dickhead but if his masculinity is unthreatened by female power its only logical to assume he doesnt feel all that threatened by women to start with
TT: That is a possible conclusion. Then again the intrinsic "revolution" that you speak of is none other than men realizing that they don't need to weaponize their manliness at all times for women not to perceive them as "gay". Which seems to be deeply rooted in homophobia, if you think about it.
TG: how is that not fucking revolutionary tho
TG: being able to separate a dudes feminininity or however tf you write that shit from gayness
TT: So, what do you want me to say, Dave? That taking away Lola's tits is a feminist move in the sense that it calls into question, not Bugs' masculinity nor Lola's femininity, but the very viewers' enfeebled perception of gender and sexuality?
TG: i mean its not that deep
TG: i just wanted you to validate my headcanon
TT: In that case, I suppose I already did.
TG: do you think its a good headcanon
TG: be honest
TT: Oh, absolutely. I think it's an outstanding takeaway. A little woke, even.
TG: what can i say im a feminist i was born woke
TT: I wouldn't expect any less from you.
TG: aight but dont go expecting any more either
TG: ive already covered my quota of wokeness for this month and its all thanks to you
TT: Glad I could be of help.
TT: I'm inevitably reminded of the Batman controversy from a while back. Do you remember that?
TG: yeah of course i do
TG: im sorry but batman eats out
TT: We're on the same page here, he definitely eats out.
TT: Is that it, then? Did I clench your thirst for Space Jam discourse?
TG: nope
TG: not even close
TG: but you have a sleeping wife to get back to and my antrophoid blanket just walked back into the room so
TG: tell her i said hey
TT: I will.
TT: Tell him I said hi too.
TT: You two should come over for lunch. Or brunch. Or dinner. It's really been a while.
TG: yeah maybe some time
TG: we should reunite our troupe
TG: the fantastic four
TG: back in town
TG: shenanigans ensue
TT: I'd like that.
TT: Just don't be a stranger, okay?
TG: yeah
TG: no
TG: absolutely
TG: good talk rose
TG: be seeing ya
TT: Sweet dreams.
TT: If you do dream…
TG: yeah ill be back with a dream log so you can dissect my subconscious
TT: Looking forward to it.
TG: of course you are
TG: night
TT: Night.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 03:37 --