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There was always a doubt. A suspicion that he was faking it.
Even when he would keep the lights off in the kitchen anytime he ate so he could ignore the persistent images of his fat body grabbing different foods and eating them despite the fact that he wasn't even hungry. So that just in case Ash came home and saw him, he wouldn't realize how Eiji really was.
Even when he didn't eat for two days straight, the lightheadedness followed by a self-pleased smile, taking his body's call for help as some sort of validation.
But then, after every time he'd felt his weight dropping and his stomach satisfyingly empty, he found himself in the same position in the later hours of the night, crumbs all over him and his fingers smelling like the food he'd just ate. And the smell just wouldn't go away.
And then, stubbornly avoiding the mirror to not see his bloated stomach and acting as if he hadn't just ruined any progress by eating three meals in one sitting, a voice in his head yelled at him, how he had been doing so well-
He felt disgusting. And yet, every time. Like clockwork.
He wondered how he could somehow be a miserable enough person to both be plagued by a need to starve and be in control, as well as one to eat everything in an almost panicked daze while his mind screamed at him to stop.
Would his mind ever be quiet?
He wouldn't forget the looks people gave him, not understanding that he no longer felt the hunger triggers he'd known since he was young. Not understanding that moderation wasn't a thing to him. It was either nothing or everything.
No one understood. Maybe that's why they would look at him with those eyes when he went from not eating to suddenly eating twice the amount of them.
He wondered sometimes if Ash noticed. But then, even the blonde boy that he loved so much and knew loved him back had made jokes in the past about his eating. And he didn't blame him. It wasn't like he wasn't an expert at hiding it at this point. He probably just looked like a pig to everyone. He wondered how he'd gone so far from where he'd been right around his accident, his weight reaching an all-time low before ballooning up after his accident. And then, as Ibe reached out and helped him deal with his stupid depression, lowering his weight. Until it got too low.
Everyone was angry when it had been too low. So he gained weight. And then they were mad when it got too low again.
And then he realized he wasn't doing it for anyone else. He didn't care how they felt. He hated their judgemental looks when he binged, but he couldn't handle the looks of pity and accusations that he was out of control when he starved. But overall, it wasn't for anyone. He didn't give a shit about their concern anymore.
He just had no self-control.
Maybe that's why he was so fucking disgusting, maybe that's why people looked at him like he was huge, maybe that's why everyone around him was so small while he stood out like a whale, maybe that's why every time he looked at his body he saw it stretched and morphed into different sizes, maybe that's why no matter how hard he tried people always looked at him like he was saying something wrong or weird, maybe that why every time he ate he felt like a million eyes were boring into his skull and looking at his fat face shoveling food into it, maybe that's why he felt so fucking ugly and disgusting every moment of his life- to the point that sometimes while he sat in his room he put something over his face so as to not think about how hideous he must look.
Eating didn't make him feel better. But for some reason, every night, he couldn't stop himself.
Disgusting.
What happened to pretty and thin girls and boys, eating only cucumbers and drinking diet coke? What happened to the skinny people who pulled off suffering in such a glamorous way?
Nothing about this felt glamorous.
Disgusting.
People told him often that he was plain. He was young-looking, and after his accident, he had nothing going for him, according to some people - and more than that, he was disgusting.
How could Ash want someone so disgusting?