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The dock is cold and a bit damp underneath Logan. It had rained all day yesterday, but the wind had been strong enough to carry away the clouds for this evening. The stars are out in full now. Or, as full as they can really be in the city. But they are bright enough, plenty dazzling to look at, and as good a reason as any to sit out here on the lake dock late at night.
"How are they tonight?" Patton asks. With his vision almost completely gone now, he can see the light of the sunrise, however has since lost his ability to see stars. But he remembers them, and on nights when he and Logan are out late, he will ask Logan to describe them to him.
"Fine. Mercury is visible tonight. But other than that, not much about them is particularly exciting."
Patton always liked stars. Logan is never sure how to describe them. It's possible that Patton was hoping for something more poetic, like that they appear like freckles of light on the face of the black sky, or something of that sort. But Logan worries that maybe it would only make Patton feel more isolated, make him sad at his inability to see them for himself. But Patton wouldn't tell him that, though, even if that was the case. He is always so peacefully cheerful. Grateful for all he's given, even if what he's been given is shit. He would likely say something about how his imagination is his new sight, and he's always loved imagining.
Because that's who Patton has always been, and his ability to be hopeful in every scenario is one of the attributes that Logan admires most about him. That, among other things.
"That's okay, then," says Patton, drawing Logan's attention back to the conversation at hand.
Patton pulls off his shoes, and allows his feet to lower over the side of the dock. He flinches a bit at the first feeling of water on his toes.
"It's cold," he laughs, before gently slipping his feet the rest of the way in.
Logan smiles a bit in spite of himself. He always loves these nights, when he and Patton come to sit on the dock that stretches over the lake behind Logan's house. These nights when it's simply the two of them under a sky that neither of them can see. Logan, because Patton is blinding. As for Patton... well, he hasn't been able to see Logan or the sky for some time.
Patton begins babbling about some project or another, accidentally splashing Logan when he gets particularly animated. The water is indeed icy cold, but Logan doesn't mind. He just allows himself to be pulled along as Patton tells him stories. He could listen to Patton talk for hours.
Patton loves him, Logan knows. But, it's not in the same way that Logan loves him. There's no one who loves anyone the way that Logan loves Patton. Logan loves in a way that hurts, that tears him apart inside, that burns.
After a while, Patton stalls. His excitement curbs in a way of sudden shyness and a seriousness that Logan doesn't see from him all that often. "Logan, I have something to tell you."
As he says it, Patton shifts a bit closer to him. So close that their shoulders could touch, if they wanted. Logan wants. Logan wants so badly that it hurts.
"We're engaged," Patton says quietly.
Oh.
It's the nail in the coffin, the epitaph on Logan's grave. It's the blue of Patton's eyes. It's stars that you just can't see no matter how much you long to. It's the years that Logan spent learning not to cry.
We're engaged.
It's the reminder that Logan is in love with his best friend, and he will never be his, not as long as he is alive.
The worst part of it was that Logan could have had him, once. There was a time, before he'd had lost his vision, when Patton's eyes spelled devotion, when he held his heart in open hands just waiting for Logan to take it. But Logan had been too afraid. Too afraid of the fire that burned inside him, the fire that felt like it would blaze out of control and swallow him. Too afraid of the bundle of tangled yarn in his mind that, if unraveled, would undo everything he'd worked so hard to hide away. Too afraid that he'd be the one to unravel.
Eventually, a dashing young man with a bright smile offered Patton his hand, and Patton couldn't wait anymore.
His name is Roman, Patton had told him. He's great, I think you'll really like him.
He was right, Logan does like Roman. He's his opposite in every way, radiant and expressive where Logan is cool and passive. Roman is a beacon of charisma and friendliness in every room he enters, and Logan had to watch Patton fall head over heels for him, locked in a cage of his own inexpression.
We're engaged.
"You and Roman," Logan says softly. Patton nods. "I'm happy for you."
After a moment, Patton says, "You're not a very good liar."
So he knows, then. At least in some part. Logan doubts that Patton fully understands the scope of which he loves him. The way he's always loved him. The way he will continue to love him. A love that he keeps quiet, that is killing him, burning him out from the inside.
"If I'd— if things had been different," Logan manges.
"Logan," Patton says, trying to stop him. But he needs to know. He needs to know so badly or it will tear him apart.
"If things had worked out differently back then," Logan says instead of if I hadn't been too late, "would it have been me?"
Patton hesitates. "Logan, I don't—"
"Please," Logan pleads.
Patton draws his feet out of the water and rests them on the edge of the dock and draws in a long breath. "Maybe, yes."
Logan's heart screams inside his chest. It thrashes and it cries and it's breaking and Patton refuses to look at him. It's a selfish thought, because even if he did, Logan knows that he wouldn't be able to see him. But he needs to feel like he's being seen. He reaches out, and gently lifts Patton's chin so that he can see his favourite colour reflected in Patton's eyes.
Patton, in turn, reaches out to touch him, to see him in the only way he can. His fingers graze Logan's collar before his hand smoothes out against the base of his jaw. Logan notices the way that the shine of moonlight catches against Patton's eyelashes. I love you, he thinks desperately, as his eyes slip down to the gentle curve of Patton's lips. I always will.
The kiss is slow and intense, with Patton's lips plush and soft against Logan's own. Patton's hand ghosts at Logan's hip. Logan pulls him closer and it feels like he's caught sunlight in his fingers.
"Logan, no, we can't," says Patton, peeling away, and Logan hurts all over. "I can't."
And of course, they can't. Patton is better than that. Roman deserves better than that. Logan knows this, even though there's a part of him that is screaming to let him forget for just a moment.
They carry on the rest of the night as normal, as if nothing has happened. In a way, it hasn't. Nothing has changed. Patton is still as unattainable as always. Roman is still better than him. Roman will always be better than him.
When Logan drives Patton home, Roman greets them at the door in a loose shirt and pyjama pants.
"Always good to see you, Logan," Roman says to him as Patton crosses the threshold between them. "I must thank you for getting him home safe."
"Of course," he says gently, his eyes lingering on the hand that Roman uses to grip the door handle. His left, embellished with a silver band on his fourth finger.
Roman gives him a smile that is small and knowing, like Roman can see himself in the way Logan's heart yearns, like what he has could come even close to Logan's adoration of Patton. Yet, Logan manages to meet Roman's gaze and return his smile tightly. Roman's eyes are Patton's favourite shade of green. Logan prefers blue.
Yes, blue like the faded irises that are unseeing but still betray Patton's tenderness as he touches Logan's face. Blue like the cold water of the lake behind his house. Blue like Logan's heart, which he'd left out to freeze because he knows there is no one in the whole world that he can love in the way that he loves Patton, and any other love will always be inferior.
"Goodnight, Logan," says Patton.
Logan doesn't move, doesn't even look up as Patton pulls him closer, into an embrace that makes Logan feel like he's suffocating. He buries his face in Patton's neck and forces himself to take a deep breath. He smells brown sugar and the cologne that Logan helped Roman pick out for Patton's birthday and Logan thinks that if he could, he would cry.