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stubborn love by the lumineers
sunday evening
“We booked it months ago.” Nina Zenik’s voice, firm and strong, brokered no argument. Nina was very rarely firm about anything, choosing instead to live life as it came, but when it came to planning trips with their friend group, she could be fiercer than any general.
And Nina had Planned This Trip. Inej knew, because she had spent the last three months chatting about it back and forth over late morning breakfasts, breakfasts-for-dinner, and three a.m. breakfasts. It had consumed Nina in only the way planning things could, and it was clear that she would not have anything disrupting her vacation.
Three months ago, Inej would have been firmly on her side. The road trip sounded exciting and would be a nice break from the very stressful semester they’d all just had.
Nina continued, shoving clothing into her suitcase with reckless abandon. “I’m just surprised we all managed to find a time to do it, let alone that Kaz fucking Brekker is willing to leave his hovel.”
“Hey,” Inej chastised, folding her own clothing neatly before placing it into her duffel bag. “You like the Crow Club.”
Scoffing, Nina planted her hands on her hips. “My love for the Crow Club does not negate the fact that it should be condemned.”
Inej figured that much was true and continued her packing. She spent so much time at the Club that she didn’t really notice the fussy pipes or questionable stains on carpets and walls. Kaz’s “office” (which was really just the attic) had been spruced up by Jesper, Inej, and Kaz himself, and that was truthfully where Inej spent most of her time.
Or, where she had spent most of her time. Things between she and Kaz had been strange the last few weeks; colder, somehow, and not as effortlessly easy as she had grown used to.
But three months ago, she and Kaz, after years of dancing around each other and their feelings, had finally started on the same rhythm.
Or she’d thought so, at least. Looking back, Inej wasn’t even sure if things were actually happening as she remembered, or if she’d imagined the careful brush of a hand, the soft smiles on his knife-sharp mouth, or the late nights talking. She did not imagine the cool air of the waffle house, or the disappointment of waiting and knowing it was for nothing.
A red monstrosity of a jacket smacked Inej in the face, startling her back to the present. She pulled Nina’s jacket into her lap, fingers curling around the ridiculous fuzzy material. Standing before her suitcase, which spilled clothing and toiletries like guts onto her bed, Nina frowned. “You absolutely cannot bail.”
Inej knew. It still pulled at something deep in her to say, “I would never. You put a lot of work into this trip.”
“You are goddamn right I did,” Nina said, though sympathy coated her voice in the most obvious ways. Inej wanted to be annoyed with her roommate but then, she’d dragged nearly all her clothes in here to pack with Nina so she could have the comfort of her friend nearby. “We will all have a fantastic time. Maybe we’ll even have an early 2000s realization moment. Who knows! All I know is I need to get the fuck off campus and away from Matthias’s creepy culty brethren.”
Inej couldn’t fault her for that. Matthias’s fraternity was creepy in the “We’re Definitely Not a Cult” way. It didn’t help that his 50-year-old professor and alumni of the frat hung around all the time. Inej knew she would have a fun time with her friends, and it had been a long time since she’d had a chance to really hang out with Jesper and Wylan, so she was looking forward to it.
She just...wasn’t sure where to go with Kaz. She thought of the last time they’d had a real conversation, almost two weeks ago now. It had been short and to the point and, strangely, had left her reeling.
“Inej,” Nina called, dragging her attention back to her once more. “It’ll work out.”
Yes, it would. Just maybe not in the way Inej wanted.
kiss me more by doja cat
monday morning
Inej stood outside the apartment she and Nina shared at 4:00 in the morning on Monday and thought: Nina was cruel for this.
She was sure she was not the only person thinking this, but considering she was the one standing in shivering solidarity with Nina, Inej felt she could complain. Matthias stood stoically beside Nina, one arm tight across her shoulders, the other idly rolling Nina’s suitcase back and forth on the sidewalk.
When he’d shown up, only a backpack hanging off his shoulder, he had suggested waiting inside. Nina had argued that she wanted to be ready to go when Wylan showed up with Jesper and Kaz and that going inside would be a waste of time.
Now, her teeth chattered next to Inej. She moaned, “Where are those idiots? I said I wanted to be on the road for 4:30, not packing then.”
“We only have suitcases or duffle bags,” Inej commented. “It won’t take long.”
“Yes, and maybe they stopped to get coffees before,” Matthias offered, though they all knew that there was absolutely no way that was happening. Likely, Jesper had overslept and was currently in a panic getting ready, worried about the wrath of Nina and Kaz. As he rightfully should.
Just as Nina opened her mouth to snap something Inej was sure would not be kind, headlights illuminated the three of them from down the block. Wylan’s minivan pulled up silently beside them and they saw that it was not Wylan driving, but Kaz.
The back door slid open quickly. Even Inej, who typically adored Wylan’s sunny disposition, winced at the broad smile stretching across his face. Far too early for that. “Hey! We’re not late, are we?”
Nina grumbled something, but Inej stepped forward and pulled what she could reach of Wylan into a hug. “Nope, right on time.”
Behind him, she caught Jesper blinking groggily at her, a dopey smile on his face. “Morning, ‘nej. Excited?”
“Very,” she smiled back, releasing Wylan. Kaz was twisted towards all of them, his typical scowl in place. “How did you end up as the driver?”
“If you’d seen Wylan take the curb outside the Club, you would have volunteered too,” Kaz muttered. Wylan blushed furiously, muttering something about the dark, but Inej was too busy watching Kaz watch her.
“Good morning,” she said.
He nodded, turning to get out of the van. “The back is open,” he called to Matthias, who stood patiently at the tailgate.
Nina stamped her feet and shook out her arms, glaring at Jesper who looked ready to move into the middle row of seats. “Don’t you even dare, Fahey. You think Matthias and I are squishing back there? Absolutely not.”
“Excuse you, lovely lady, but I have long legs.”
“And a short twink. You stay back there and maybe we can switch by the end of the week.”
“A twink? I guess that’s sort of a compliment--”
“Wylan, get in the fucking car,” Kaz snapped.
“You get in the car,” Wylan said back, then blanched. “Sorry--on my way.”
The sound of the tailgate slamming broke off any retort from Jesper in defence of his boyfriend, and Matthias smiled. “Ready to go?”
Kaz rolled his eyes, but everyone piled into the van. Inej ignored Nina’s look of sympathy as she slipped into the front seat beside Kaz, gently readjusting his cane as it fell towards her. There was a lot of commotion for several moments as everyone settled and adjusted seats. Nina reached forward to pull the aux cord into the backseat as much as she could, and quiet pop flowed out through the speakers.
With a sigh like he was in physical pain, Kaz turned the music down as far as Nina’s fist would allow. He glared at her through the rear-view mirror, but Nina was all smiles. “Is everyone road trip ready!?” She cheered, passing Inej her phone. “Quick, take a picture before we head out.”
Thumbing her camera open, Inej quickly flipped it and turned it to face them. She hoped the flash would carry enough to reach them all. Everyone smiled, and Kaz didn’t frown, and honestly, it was a great picture of them.
“Now, to Starbucks!” Nina crowed, far too awake for 4am.
Kaz sighed. “This will be a long week.”
wap by cardi b and meg thee stallion
monday morning pt. 2
“A large coffee, two milk, and a medium green tea, please.” Kaz said into the microphone. Warmth spread through Inej at the sound of her order, and she had to stifle a laugh at Nina’s outrage in the backseat as her ignored her request.
The barista on the intercom droned, “So a venti coffee with milk and a grande green tea?”
“And a venti mocha!” Nina shouted from the back, reaching across Matthias to stab at the window. It went down an inch before Kaz flipped the switch to lock it. “Yes, that’s all.”
“You rat fu--”
“Can we also get a venti mocha,” Inej said, leaning into Kaz’s space. He scowled down at her as she rattled off the rest of their order.
As Nina began to rant in the backseat with Jesper about Kaz potentially losing driving privileges, Inej poked his jacket-clad arm. “Thanks for my tea.”
“My navigator needs to stay awake, is all,” Kaz said, brushing the thanks off and pulling out his phone. For a second, Inej thought he meant to pay for their order, but he handed it to her instead and said, “Since I didn’t buy a six-dollar coffee, I’ll be needing some form of payment.”
Inej tapped the screen, shaking her head slightly at the generic background and typing in the passcode quickly. Not for the first time, Inej was surprised that Kaz trusted her enough to use his phone and know his code. He didn’t trust easily or often, but somehow, they managed to trust each other.
Which was why all of this was so confusing and frustrating. So far this morning he had been fine, but Inej knew that was partly because the others were there. Surely, he knew that Nina was aware of what happened, and thus Matthias knew too, but he acted as if they didn’t.
For a moment, Inej imagined him holding this same phone two and a half months ago, her name popping up on the home screen, her cards laid bare.
Ignoring the tightness in her throat, Inej pulled open the navigation app, typing in their first motel destination, having nearly memorized Nina’s itinerary.
When she looked up, Kaz was watching her, having pulled up so Matthias could use the back window to pay instead. “Did you find it?”
Inej held up the phone, offering a small smile. “Got it. About a three-hour drive.”
Kaz nodded, pulling the car out of the drive thru as Matthias slipped their drinks into the cupholders at the front. “Let’s get going then. Also, Zenik, I can promise I won’t be listening to this the whole three hours.”
“Don’t worry,” Nina chirped, taking a swig from her drink despite its temperature. “I added songs for everyone. Wylan has classical, Matty and Inej have indie, you have the screams and moans of the dying.”
Kaz would never admit it, and Inej would never tell, but his lips did quirk at that one. If Nina knew, she’d probably sky write it.
rivers and roads by the head and the heart
monday afternoon
The motel they ended up at was Instagram worthy, which Inej knew was Nina’s intention. She wouldn’t have gone for anything less than perfect, and who would say no to multiple photo opportunities?
Kaz pulled into a spot right outside reception, and everyone exited the van with sighs of relief. Kaz was a bit slower to exit, and Inej slid his cane across the center console to him, smiling at his nod of thanks. She made a mental note to speak with Jesper about swapping drivers occasionally, knowing that driving for that long definitely irritated his leg.
Not that he would ever admit it, the stubborn fool.
Everyone seemed a bit tired and a little irritable, so when Nina showed them to the rooms they would be staying in--two adjoined double rooms--they all flopped onto the bed or, in Kaz and Matthias’s cases, sat themselves carefully on whatever furniture was free.
They hadn’t worked out bedding situations and, truthfully, Inej hadn’t really thought about it.
But now, Jes is saying, “So are we doing couples, or--” he stops, brow furrowing. “Guess that doesn’t work. Unless we give Brekker and Inej their own beds in the other room, but like, absolutely not. No offence, Inej--I’d give you a bed in a heartbeat.”
“Inej and I can share,” Nina offers. “Wylan and Jes, obviously, then Kaz and Matthias can take the next room.” She says it confidently, and Matthias nods, which means they obviously discussed it beforehand. Inej frowns a bit at that, but at Kaz’s glance she turns it into a smile.
“Sounds good to me.” She says, maybe a bit too eagerly.
“This is the only hotel where we don’t have three rooms,” Nina added. “Now, we’re exploring in an hour, so do what you need to and meet outside by then.”
maniac by conan grey
tuesday evening
Their first couple days are, surprisingly, a success.
They spend the first afternoon exploring the local city, splitting into two groups at one point. Nina, Jesper, and Matthias go to the shopping center Nina had zeroed in on the second they hit the high street, while Kaz, Inej, and Wylan wandered through two local museums.
Inej worried that she would feel awkward being alone with Kaz and Wylan, but twenty minutes into their walk she remembered how much she loved spending time with Wylan. It had been so long since she’d had a chance to spend time with him outside of studying or group things that she forgot how brilliant he was.
Kaz was quiet most of the day, but she caught him taking pictures of the exhibits a few different times, and more than once he had drifted close enough that she could feel the heat of his body through his layers of dark clothing.
It was a lovely afternoon, which turned into a rowdy dinner, which turned, somehow and wonderfully, into Nina and Jesper singing duets on the stage of the small pub they stumbled into.
Kaz and Inej continue to be careful around each other, though his coldness from their interactions a few weeks ago subsided and left Inej feeling, ultimately, confused. In the car, they fell back into their easy rhythm
She thought she’d made it perfectly clear what she wanted, what she was willing to offer. Now, she wasn’t sure what to think.
They pulled up to their next hotel, and a hush fell across the van.
From the very back, Jesper said, “Nina, you’re shitting us, right?”
“Uh,” Nina offered, then leaned forward. “Inej, did you put in the right address?”
The two-story building in front of them looked like something out of the sleaziest and goriest horror film. Dilapidated yellow siding was missing in places, while the doors, which had likely once been painted white, were brown with mud and dust.
“This is what was in the google doc you made,” Inej said.
“This place has definitely seen a homicide,” Kaz announced. “I’m not sleeping here.”
Nina, looking frazzled, had her own phone out, looking through her emails at what she booked. “It looked quaint! Country!”
“Definitely looks country,” Wylan commented.
“Texas Chainsaw country,” Matthias murmured, then grunted when Nina socked him in the arm.
“Let me go inside and talk to the receptionist,” Nina insisted. “I’m sure we’re at the wrong motel.”
They were not at the wrong motel.
When Nina shoved her phone into the receptionist’s face with their ad on it, she shrugged and chewed around on something in her mouth that Inej was 90% sure was not actually gum. “So, it’s gotten a bit older since we posted those pictures, so what?”
“So, this is not what we’re paying for,” Kaz cut in before Nina could say anything. He looked cool and collected against the dingy floral wallpaper. “We’ll be needing our deposit back.”
The receptionist scoffed, spittle flying from between her teeth. “I don’t think so, son. Deposits ain’t refundable.”
Kaz smiled, though there was nothing nice about it. Inej tucked her arm into Nina’s, tugging her friend out of the way as Kaz said, “Since we’ve been in this miserable little building, I’ve spotted three cockroaches, one needle outside, and there are questionable stains on your ceiling that signal to me that there are structural issues throughout the entire motel. Now, unless you want me to call the board of health, I suggest you get to work on refunding us our deposit.”
The woman stared at Kaz for a moment, the loose skin around her neck shivering with her indignation before slamming her fingers across her keyboard, shoving an ancient debit machine towards Nina. “I’ll need your original form of payment, you miserable children.”
“Wonderful,” Kaz said.
Unfortunately, with their motel out of the question and every other motel in the area either booked up because of a convention or in similar disrepair, they were out of choices for their next stay.
“Let’s just drive to the next place,” Wylan suggested. “We can take turns sleeping and swap every few hours.”
Nina looked slightly dejected, so Inej nudged her and smiled while the boys discussed who would drive first. “Why are you upset?”
“I hope the other places I booked aren’t like this,” Nina said, her pout exaggerated, but her annoyance--both at herself and the situation--were not. “I don’t want this to turn into a disaster.”
“I’m having an excellent time,” Inej told her. “Just because one motel didn’t work out doesn’t mean the rest won’t. And even if they do, we’ll figure it out, just like we always do. Sound good?”
Nina tilted her head, so it was resting along Inej’s. “Yes. Thank you.”
send them off by bastille
tuesday night
It had been an hour and a half since anyone in the van had spoken.
They’d been on the road for nearly four hours and had a couple more to go, but Inej and Kaz had only switched back into the front seats an hour before, Matthias and Nina having taken the first shift.
(Wylan, despite owning the van, was almost unanimously outvoted when he offered to drive, and Jesper refused to get his license because “he had a cute boyfriend to drive him around”.)
The only sounds coming from the back seats were soft snores and snuffles. When Inej glanced back, she could see the bush of Jesper’s curls sticking up from where he slumped sideways against Wylan, whose own head rested against a jacket he had bunched up. Nina, just behind Inej’s seat, was sprawled with her legs more in Matthias’s area than her own. A large brown jacket was tossed over her, though Inej knew that Matthias likely placed it there with all the care in the world. He sat in the middle seat, mostly because Kaz refused to push his seat up any further, arm wrapped over Nina’s shoulder, face buried in her hair.
Inej settled back into her seat with a sigh. She thumbed through her phone for a few moments, but all her socials were dead this late into the night, especially with most of her friends already with her.
“You can sleep,” Kaz’s low voice cut through her thoughts. Inej turned to him, but his gaze was fixed on the road before them. There were no lights along this stretch of highway, only their high beams illuminating the dark. The darkness cast the planes of his face in shadow, made him look older and younger all at once.
Inej kicked her shoes off and pulled her feet onto the seat with her. Kaz tossed her a disapproving look--he probably knew numerous statistics on car accidents where people had their feet up on the seat, but Inej felt more comfortable this way, and it gave her a second to come up with a response. “I’m fine, though if you’re tired, we can switch.”
She kept her gaze on his face, looking for a hint of exhaustion, but the usual bruises beneath his eyes were all she could see. She knew his leg must have been bothering him by now, though she also knew nobody but Jesper and maybe Matthias would have picked up on it, and neither would have mentioned anything. It was probably why Matt had been insistent on taking the first shift.
Inej had no issue doing so. “Is your leg bothering you?” Her fingers smoother across the crow at the top of his cane, tracing the familiar metal.
She heard the slight creak of his leather gloves against the wheel, the only sign of discomfort--either at her question, or the truth. For a long moment, she thought maybe he would be honest with her.
But he shook his head. “I’m fine,” he told her, and they lapsed into the same silence that had followed them the last few days. Not awkward, because while they both did awkward exceptionally well, there was nothing funny or quirky about this quiet.
No, the silence that lived between them was filled with things neither of them was brave enough to say. Or rather, that wasn’t strictly true--Inej had lots she wanted and needed to say to Kaz. He just didn’t seem interested in listening.
More than anything, Inej wished she could say something that would erase the last two months of awkwardness and hurt and anger. She wished she had never sent that text, or sat in that booth of the waffle house, or thought that Kaz Brekker could be more than the greedy person that he is.
You’re leaving, he’d told her. There’s your answer, Inej.
She was grateful for the dark, then. They masked the angry tears that pricked at her eyes. She twisted in her seat until she leaned against the window, temple pressed against the cool glass and eyes locked on the road ahead.
“How were your exams?” Kaz asked after several long moments, gaze still fixed ahead.
Inej laughed, though there was nothing funny about it. “Is that what you actually want to talk about?” She asked, unable to help herself. Maybe it was the darkness, or the quiet of the van, or both, but Inej felt braver than she had in weeks.
Kaz’s hand left the wheel, pushing back the hair that had fallen on to his forehead. Sometimes, it surprised Inej that she could catch him so off guard or throw him off his game. That she, of everyone, could do this.
His voice when he spoke was low and full of things Inej couldn’t put a name to. “Tell me what you want me to say, and I’ll say it.”
And there it was: Kaz Brekker, the smartest person in any room, being a fool. Didn’t he understand? Inej didn’t want to have to tell him what to say, or guide him to the light, or whatever it was he thought she could do. She wasn’t some balm for his hurts. She needed to hear what he wanted to say, whether it hurt or not.
She said, “That’s not what I meant, Kaz.”
When she looked at him again, the mask was back in place. Inej couldn’t muster up the energy to be angry.
curses by the crane wives
wednesday afternoon
After one of the longest nights of her life, Inej was grateful and happy to see their next motel. Nina had chosen a friendly and cozy bed and breakfast, framed by tall, green trees and mountains beyond. Inej didn’t blame her for the tired but smug look on her face when they all saw it.
That morning, they split into their rooms with little fuss. The only issue was the beds: in two of the rooms, the beds were too short for Jesper and Matthias. The receptionist had apologized, saying how a few years before, smoke from a wildfire had made them gut several the rooms and, at the time, the only available beds were smaller. They hadn’t gotten around to changing them.
Which meant the room situation went--Nina and Inej, Jesper and Matthias, and Kaz and Wylan. Jesper and Wylan had only whined about it for about twenty minutes before they settled, and they all spent a few hours catching up on sleep and showering.
Now, Inej sat with Nina outside a quaint little cafe, enjoying the early May sun on her skin and the gentle breeze that smelled of pine. She could stay in a place like this forever, Inej decided.
“It’s weird, huh?” Nina asked, sipping her cappuccino.
Inej took a sip of her own drink, humming at the sweetness. “What is?”
“That there is a world outside Ketterdam and the Barrel,” Nina said, a small smile on her face. “I know it, of course--I leave every summer to go home--but it’s so different to be travelling for no real reason. I know Ravka and I know Ketterdam, but a place like this? Just doesn’t seem real.”
“I know what you mean,” Inej said, staring out into the high street. Small shops lined the road, and people milled about, smiling and waving to one another.
Nina’s smile was small and sympathetic. “Yeah, I guess I’m sort of rubbing it in, aren’t I?”
“You’re fine,” Inej waved. Inej’s own family seemed to live a world away; she was on scholarship at Ketterdam University, and the money she made working at the Crow Club was often split between paying for her life there or sent back home to her family. She knew they didn’t want it, but they worked so hard to help her get there that she felt they deserved what little she could send.
So, it was rare for her to be able to see them, though when she graduated next spring, she would be able to go home for the first time in a long time and start her career. It was an exciting and terrifying prospect.
Nina waved her arm suddenly, and Inej saw the boys heading toward them. “Perfect timing. Ready to go eat til we drop?” Nina asked, smiling at Inej.
riptide by vance joy
wednesday night
Damn, Inej thought as she dug through her duffle bag. She could have sworn she’d put an extra charger in her bag but was obviously mistaken. Which meant that her charger, which was currently sitting in Kaz’s bag where she’d stuffed it when they emptied the van, was what she needed.
Exhaling loudly, Inej peeked over at Nina, who lay curled around a pillow, mouth open and drooling on a pillow. Inej was sure Nina would be fine on her own, and besides she would only be gone a few moments. Just long enough to knock and grab her charger. She knew Kaz would still be awake--probably he wouldn’t sleep until much later, so she would just need to be careful about waking Wylan up.
It only took a moment for Inej to slip out of the room and down the short walk to Kaz and Wylan’s room. She knocked lightly twice, hoping she didn’t wake Wylan up.
She could hear movement in the room, then Kaz stood before her, a long-sleeved shirt and sweatpants on, his glove covering the hand holding his cane. When he saw her, his brow furrowed, and he peered out into the gloom behind her. “What’s wrong?”
“I think I left my charger in your bag,” she said, slipping her fingers into the sleeves of her sweatshirt. His eyes tracked the movement, then trailed slowly up the material. Inej realized then that she was wearing one of the few crewnecks he owned that she had taken home one night and just...kept forgetting to return.
Saints, what was her life?
“Come in,” Kaz murmured, pulling the door wider so she could slip around him. She saw Wylan’s red-gold curls stuck out from beneath his blanket, a pair of headphones tucked into his ears as he slept. Kaz’s own bed was only slightly rumpled, his laptop lying where he must have left it. “My bag is just over here.”
Inej followed him to the duffle bag beside his bed, peering intently at his laptop. “Are you watching a cooking show?” She asked quietly.
Kaz sighed. “Wylan and I were watching Cutthroat Kitchen. He’s--we’re--it’s just reruns.”
Inej chuckled quietly, eyeing him as he dug through the bag. “You don’t need to justify your weird interests to me, Gordon Ramsey.”
Kaz rolled his eyes. “Cooking is the furthest thing from a weird interest, wraith. You literally performed in a circus.”
Inej let out a low hum, eyeing him with a laugh. He sighed. “You make dinner for everyone once in a fit of madness, and suddenly you’re mocked mercilessly anytime cooking comes up. See if I ever make you ungrateful bastards a roast again.”
He straightened; her cord tangled in his hand. His fingers plucked at it, straightening and then wrapping it around his fingers. “It’s just something to watch.”
“Why don’t you try sleeping?” Inej said, poking at his comforter. “This looks much comfier than our last motel.”
“Not tired,” Kaz murmured.
Inej nodded, accepting the cord when he handed it to her. Her next words were careful. “Did you want company for a bit? I’m not really tired either.”
Kaz swallowed, then nodded. “That’s fine,” he said, as though the thought of her in his bed beside him had no effect on him. Maybe it didn’t, but Inej wasn’t so sure.
She smiled, toeing off her shoes and moving around to the other side, slipping onto the soft mattress. The bed dipped as Kaz settled a foot away from her, the laptop on his lap as he queued the next episode up. He looked comfortable in the buttery light of the bedside table, in his socked feet.
Earlier, while they’d all sat around drinking in Nina and Inej’s room, Jesper had raised the debate of wearing socks to bed. Inej wore them in the winter, but that was only because the heating in the apartment she shared with Nina was so awful. Everyone else, besides Kaz, did not wear them to bed.
When Jesper noticed Kaz taking a sip from his drink, he’d said, “Dude that’s just weird. Don’t you get too warm?”
“No,” he said.
Jesper, lips pursed, had declared, “That’s gotta be a lie, man. You’re telling me you sleep in socks, every single night.”
“Jesper, I realize this may come as a surprise, but many people wear socks to bed.”
“None of us do, Sock Man.”
Now, Inej looked at his socked feet and said, “Are there tiny cats on your socks?”
Kaz’s toes twitched. “They were a gift.”
“From who?” Inej insisted, twisting to look at him. “Who gives you gifts besides any of us?”
Kaz glared. “Many people. Bribes, gifts. Same thing.”
Inej smirked. “You bought them yourself. They’re so cute!”
The show begins to play, distracting them both. Inej has never seen the show before, but she is into it right away, leaning back against the pillows and headboard, pulling her legs to her chest.
Slowly, as one episode passes into another, the two of them settle further on the bed, close but not touching, breathing in each other’s scents. Inej is more comfortable now than she has been since they left Monday morning. This is what she has missed most about her relationship with Kaz: the ease they have with one another, the comfort in their silences.
At some point, Inej had slipped under the comforter at his glare when she wouldn’t stop shivering. They had both sunk lower onto the bed, more horizontal than vertical now. Her head is inches away from his shoulder, their fingers teasing one another atop the covers. She asks, “Aren’t you cold?”
Kaz turned slightly. “No, I’m fine.”
She yawned, settling lower. The credits of the most recent episode begin to play, the only sound in the room besides the faint sound of Wylan’s music in his headphones. “I don’t think I can move.”
The tip of Kaz’s finger touches her own, soft. “You don’t have to leave.” His voice is low and careful, no hint of strain at their careful contact. His words are a knife though, cutting into her, reminding her. You’re leaving.
She wanted to ask, why do you do this? Why not say what you mean, what you want?
She wanted to say, I do, though.
The shift of his hand startled her out of her thoughts. As she watched, his fingers tangled with her own. A shudder made the bed shake slightly, but that was all. A shudder, and then stillness. She thought she could hear the beat of his heart, of her own.
“Kaz,” she murmured, lip moving against the fabric of his shirt, whisper soft. “I don’t know what you want from me.”
Except that she did, or she thought she did, at least. Kaz wanted from her what he wanted of the world: everything.
His rough exhale ruffled the shorter strands along her hairline. His fingers squeezed around hers before pulling away to a safe distance, no chance of accidental touch.
Inej swallowed her disappointment and sat up, the blankets pooling around her waist. She felt overheated suddenly, tears stinging her eyes. She hoped the low light of the room hid them as she stood. “Thank you for letting me stay,” she murmured, slipping her shoes on and squeezing the phone charger in her hand. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Back in her room, Inej breathed out a hiccupy little sob, scrubbing her hands across her face. Across the room, she saw Nina push herself up, then say, “Oh honey, come here.”
Inej crossed the room, slipping onto the bed beside Nina. “Sorry,” she whispered as Nina folded her arms around Nina. She was sleep-warm and soft, and she reminded Inej so much of home it hurt. “I don’t know why I keep expecting it to be different.”
“You don’t need to apologize to me,” Nina told her, gently knocking her forehead against Inej’s. “I understand, I promise.”
“We just...want different things,” Inej said. She swiped a hand under her nose.
Nina was still for a moment before quietly, carefully, she asked, “Do you?”
Inej sighed heavily, exhausted in every single way. “I don’t know.”
never gonna give you up by rick astley
friday night
“I promise you, Zenik, that if I hear that fucking song one more time, I’ll smash your phone into dust,” Kaz seethed, fingers tight on the wheel.
“Good fucking luck!” Nina crowed from the very back of the van, more than a little drunk. “You can try to pry the phone away from Inej, but my girl has got my back.”
Inej laughed, peering into the back. Wylan and Jesper were howling with laughter and trying to sing the rest of the song, though they only seemed to know the chorus. Matthias, staring with a dopey smile at Nina, seemed to be bobbing along to their singing.
It had been an excellent week, despite the weird vibe surrounding she and Kaz since Wednesday night. Inej knew her friends had noticed, but Jesper had been the only one to say anything besides Nina, pulling Inej aside one afternoon to get ice cream and roam around town.
He’d asked what happened between them, all those weeks ago, having noticed something off right away. Inej had admitted that she wasn’t really sure and explained what had happened: that after months of what Inej thought was flirting, she had texted Kaz, asking him to meet her at the waffle house so they could talk about whatever their relationship was. She told him that he’d never shown up, though she knew he’d seen the message.
Jesper had been angry on her behalf, calling Kaz a stubborn bastard. But he’d been fine with Kaz when they met back up with everyone, and Inej didn’t think he’d actually said anything to him.
Their last official night of the trip, they’d all decided to go out and get drunk. Or rather, everyone but Inej and Kaz were drunk. Kaz, because he was Designated Driver (he’d sneer it at Nina whenever she offered him a shot, though Inej knew he actually didn’t drink because he drank like an old man and got drunk like a very young one) and while Inej had partaken a bit, she’d stopped early and now felt relatively sober.
She refused to be miserable on the long drive home tomorrow, thank you very much.
She said in a whisper to Kaz, “She has it queued up like five more times. What should I change it to?”
He leaned over, their shoulders almost touching. Probably not the safest way to drive, but they were the only ones on the road for miles, and Inej couldn’t really care at that moment. Kaz smirked at her, the light of her phone turning it sharper. He rambled off some obscure song and Inej typed it in, adding it to the list multiple times.
“How much further?” Jesper asked, leaning up to peer at Inej’s phone. She grabbed Kaz’s and looked at the GPS.
“Five minutes?” The next bar they were going to was along the boardwalk. Even five minutes away, the light of the boardwalk shone on the horizon.
Jesper sighed. “Bless, I need to pee so badly.”
Inej shoved him back gently, chastising, “I told you to go before we left.”
“Yeah, okay mom,” Jesper whined.
meet me in the woods by lord huron
friday night
Inej sat on the beach, the warm breeze teasing strands from her braid. The moon and a scattering of stars illuminated everything in deep, gorgeous blues. It was peaceful, sitting here, the sound of the boardwalk muffled behind her.
The others had flitted between stalls and the bar they were currently at, but Inej had needed a moment to herself. The water in Ketterdam looked nothing like the gentle waves before her, and she wanted to sit and soak it all in before they headed back tomorrow.
Familiar footsteps sounded on the boardwalk behind her, then disappeared when he reached the sand. In moments, Kaz stood stiffly beside where she sat, one hand on his cane, the other hanging loose and gloved at his side. He stared out at the surf, eyes glittering black in the moonlight
Inej wanted to ask, why did you come out here? What do you want from me? She thought back to Nina telling her she couldn’t miss the trip and knew that no, she could not and would not have missed this trip, but Kaz did not bow to the needs of Nina Zenik or anyone else, and so whatever the reason was behind his being here was his own.
Initially, when they had all started planning for the trip, Kaz had been a ghost along the edges of the room, more of a supervisor than active participant, flitting between the main part of the club and his office. It was only when Nina mentioned him having his license that Inej realized he meant to leave Ketterdam--an unthinkable act, she’d once thought. But that had been when things were good between them, or at least not this strange purgatory, and she’d thought: maybe he just wants to be with me.
When he continued to stand there, not saying anything, Inej sighed, exasperated. “I don’t need a chaperone, Kaz, so unless you have something to say, I’d like to be alone.”
Kaz’s own sigh was soft, though the hand that fisted the top of his cane was anything but. Inej was suddenly glad he was angry, or annoyed, or frustrated, because finally. Finally, he had some response to her own emotions and words.
Very slowly and carefully, Kaz got to one knee beside her, then lowered his other leg, jaw tense as he did so, until he was seated beside her in the sand, bad leg stretched out before him, the other bent at the knee. “I don’t know what to say,” he admitted, voice tight.
“Well, I can’t put words in your mouth,” Inej snapped. “No matter how much you seem to wish I could. I don’t know what you want.”
Kaz tossed his cane to the side of him, shaking his head. “I want to give you the answers you need.”
When he didn’t continue, Inej said, “But you won’t.”
“I can’t.” He snarled, turning to glare at her. “I want three things out of this life, and you are one of them, and I can’t have you because you are leaving.”
Me, went unsaid. You are leaving me.
Inej’s breath whooshed out of her, pain and annoyance and anger rising swiftly in response. “How dare you?” She breathed, twisting so she was on her knees beside him. “When have I ever given you the impression that I am leaving you or Ketterdam behind, Kaz Brekker?” She inhaled shakily, her anger pushing the words out of her mouth, “I sat there for two hours in that Saints damned waffle house waiting for you, waiting to tell you how I felt, and you never came.”
Kaz swallowed, facing her now and twisted at an awkward angle as she kneeled above him, righteous in her fury. Unhappiness clouded his face and he said, “I got as far as the parking lot. I stopped when I saw you sitting there through the window.”
Inej sunk back, hands falling to the sand beside her, limp now. “What?”
Kaz scrubbed a gloved through his hair, then down his face. “I was there, I just. Didn’t go in.”
This time, when tears blurred Inej’s expression, a few escaped. She swiped at them, catching the distraught look Kaz sent her before he fixed his face into something more neutral. Clearing her throat, Inej asked, “Why?”
“You hate it there.” Kaz’s words were matter of fact. “You talk about leaving all the time.”
“I miss my family,” Inej returned. “I never talk about staying away.”
The muscles along his jaw feathered. He fidgeted with his gloves before tearing them off his hands, catching them at his knuckles awkwardly. For a moment, both of them stared at his bare hands, the gloves two corpses clutched between them before he settled them, carefully, between himself and Inej.
“It’s selfish of me,” he began, voice empty of emotion, despite the turmoil on his face. “To want you to stay when school is done, when I know you want to see your family and start your career.”
Inej said, “I’ve always known you were selfish, Kaz.” She thought of what Nina said a few nights ago when Inej said they wanted different things. Do you? Maybe they didn’t, not really. “But why do I always need to be the one to make sacrifices?”
He looked at her. “I know,” he laughed, an ugly sound. He shrugged his shoulders, holding his arms out to the beach. “I’m here, aren’t I?”
And it made sense, then, why he’d come on the trip.
Kaz, who loved and hated the Barrel and Ketterdam, who never left it for anything beyond an emergency of the utmost importance, was on a road trip with her to see if he could do it.
She thought of the first time he had brushed the bare skin of his fingers against her cheek, the revulsion and awe on his face as he realized he could manage, maybe, with a little practice. The slow and careful touches, always with her consent and where she could see them, the two of them learning the language of their bodies and fears.
For a long time after that night sitting in a plastic booth that smelled overwhelmingly of syrup, Inej had tried to convince herself that she imagined all of those moments, given them more meaning than deserved.
It never occurred to her that greed and fear had stopped Kaz in the parking lot, that he never realized he could have her and she could have her freedom and that the two were negotiable and within easy reach. Sure, Inej would leave, but she would never stay gone, or far, and really, couldn’t Kaz come with her, too?
And now he was sat beside her in the sand, dirtying his tailored pants and shined shoes, stubble coating the edge of his sharp jaw, and he was not in Ketterdam.
Kaz was wickedly smart and cruel, could cut you down with a few words and step across your broken and bleeding body as he left the room. Life had not been kind to him, and so in return he had been vicious. He was a snake, a liar, greedy to a fault.
He said, “Not forever?”
She realized even if she said that it would be forever, he wouldn’t argue with her. Kaz, as infuriating as he was, had always given Inej the one thing she craved without ever fighting her on it: a choice.
I want to give you the answers you need.
Inej looked at him, and Kaz looked back, and she loved him for all of his faults, and for all of the good bits too. “Ketterdam isn’t home,” she told him, keeping eye contact. “Nina, the boys...you. That’s my home, in Ketterdam.”
A shaky sigh, the bob of his Adam's apple, was all that gave away his relief.
She thought about other boys, and how this may have been easier if she had decided to love one of them instead. But Kaz had seen every ugly, small, terrible part of Inej, and he seemed to find something there that he cared about, that he loved.
He shifted, arm sliding back, creating a space for her beside him. Inej scooted across the gap between them, settling into the warmth of his side, the smokey smell of him, mixed with the salt on the air.
Very carefully, lips brushed against her hairline.
friday i’m in love by phoebe bridgers
saturday mid-morning
“I hate to be dramatic,” Jesper said, having just pulled his head inside the car for the first time in twenty minutes. His hair was windswept, his cheeks flushed red. “But you two are making me fucking ill.”
“That’s the tequila,” Inej chirped from the front seat.
Matthias groaned. “Please, Inej, I beg of you--”
“Oh, grow up,” Nina said, she and Wylan seeing how many Fritos they could work around their fingers. “You guys are all pathetic. We barely drank.”
Kaz drawled, “Is your nose working, Zenik? This van smells like the washroom of the Crow Club.”
“You realize you are actively shit talking about your own club?” Nina smiled sweetly.
“I am aware of its flaws, yes.”
Inej tightened her fingers around Kaz’s where they held each other on the center console. “I had a great time.”
“We know, Inej,” Jesper said. “You and Kaz held hands like a couple from 1864 all night.” He rolled his eyes, though he looked happy. “I just don’t understand why you continue to be sickeningly sweet when we’re all suffering--”
Kaz jerked the wheel of the car sharply to the left, jostling everyone in the backseat. Inej let go of his hand to whack him in the shoulder, though she quickly took it again. “Rude.”
Jesper shoved his head back out the window, howling.