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For much of the pain that it can cause, a crush can be harmless. It’s fun to have a reason to be giddy, to feel silly and girly. There’s always that rush of excitement when the eyes catch a small glimpse of their person. It doesn’t need to mean anything, just as long as a person doesn’t act on it.
I never act on my crushes. I usually bury it deep inside me, never to come up to the surface. I try to wait until it subsides, and I find someone new to be fascinated with. It’s worked so far.
But miserable is the only word I can think of as I glance to his end of the booth in the dim bar. I’m on one side with my right leg stretched out to hold my weight against everyone pushing against me each time they so much as breathed. He’s on the other side, opposite of me, next to the window with a perfect view of Gotham’s vibrant nightlife. He’s not engaged with the conversation, and neither am I. He’s stuffing fires into his mouth, having already eaten his burger. His hand is languid as he brings a fry to his mouth, and he chews on it lazily.
Jason Todd’s mind is clearly on something else while mine is solely on him.
For about three shameful years, I’ve been fascinated with Jason. No one knows about it, so there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. But I know about it, and each day it slowly chips away a piece of my pride. Especially since he’s dating Rose Wilson. Just made it official two months ago.
Crushes are more painful with proximity, and Jason is skin deep.
“We should ask for the check,” Wally says. He searches for the waitress and makes a small motion with his index finger once he makes eye contact.
I always hated that little tick men do; the little head nods, the look in their eyes where they expect you to do something for them and they don’t need to ask. The amount of space that they need to take up, and the space you give up to accommodate them. The moment someone is required to step out of their way when walking in opposite directions. It’s little signs of entitlement that are only inherent to men. I don’t know, I think I’m someone who gets easily irritated.
The waitress drags her feet to our table, and I understand the lifeless gaze she has as she plops the check on the table. I’d rather be somewhere else too.
She gathers what she cans and gives a curt nod before turning on her heels and walking away. Dick takes the check and slides his credit card into the pocket of the black bill folder.
Jason turns in his seat, placing one hand on the table while the other rests on the headrest. “I’m going out for a smoke.”
Beside me, Kory lifts a single eyebrow. I am impressed. I can’t do that. “Rose told me you quit.”
Jason shrugs nonchalantly and pushes Wally, Dick, and Garfield with his hip, urging them out of the booth so he could get out. “I don’t remember making that decision.”
“I could use a smoke too,” the words are out of my mouth before I could even stop myself. But I do. I really do.
Jason’s green eyes settle on me and my heart is already beating so hard it could burst out of my chest and fall right on the table in front of everyone.
A thing I hate about crushes is interacting with a crush. I become too aware of myself, of all the little movements. I overthink the words I say and the way I say them. I will agonize for days about how my voice sounded when I say hi. Diction becomes increasingly important outside a high school English class. Overanalyzing everything when it probably means nothing.
“I got Camels.”
“Not the menthols, right?”
A corner of his lip tugs upwards and I instantly melt. “No. Turkish Royals.”
“Nice, those are the best ones.”
Kory turns to me with confused neon green eyes. “You smoke?”
Just like Jason, I shrug. “Occasionally.”
I try not to notice the smirk that appears in his face, as though just that one word revealed how charming of a person I could be. I somehow pulled myself out of the booth with grace, despite the nerves that wracked from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. I run my hands down the skirt of my blue plaid dress and take a quick glance at my favorite pair of Jadon boots.
I look up to find his gaze settled on me. Jason’s green eyes roamed over my face, taking it all in before he turned and walked over to the door. I trail awkwardly behind him with my hands clasped together in front of me.
It’s chilly outside, and I quickly take the cigarette Jason offers, already lit and ready. I rest my back against the brick wall, its edges creating indents on my skin. He’s doing the same, but he looks cooler doing it. Dangerous and mysterious.
“Smoking is nicer with company,” he says after a minute passes. He keeps his face tilted upwards, eyes gazing at the lights of the city.
“It’s a very social activity,” I say.
There is something meditative and melancholy about standing and smoking with Jason outside the bar. It could be a result of the empty night sky above us, with the single lamppost illuminating us. There’s something in the way his shoulders seemed tended for most of the time they ate inside, and how distant his eyes seemed. There’s an invisible force field keeping him away from everyone, one that wasn’t there before. I sadly spend too much of my time watching him, and it’s not hard to notice it.
“You don’t come out often.”
“Yes I do,” I say as I take a drag. I feel like a character right out of a Wong Kar-wai movie as I do so. “You don’t.”
Jason exhales and smoke flows out from between his lips. It curls in the air. “Yeah, that’s true.”
It’s silent between us for a moment. And then he says, “I’ve been spending all my time with Rose.”
I nod my head, trying to sound nonchalant. “Makes sense. She’s your girlfriend.”
He has a girlfriend and that means nothing to me. It doesn’t impact me whatsoever.
“That she is,” is his reply.
Our group of friends makes their way to us, laughter and joy strongly resonating from them. It overwhelms whatever atmosphere there was around Jason and me. It’s jarring to be thrown out of a quiet moment and into a loud one.
Dick looks at his wristwatch. “It’s getting late.”
“Ok, grandpa,” Vic laughs. “It’s only 11 pm.”
“Yeah, we usually turn in at 2 am,” Karen says.
“Three am if we’re feeling particularly reckless,” Garfield says.
I step in. “I have work early tomorrow. I should probably start heading home.”
“Aww, Raven, nooo.” Garfield pouts his lips to me.
I snub my cigarette out with the bottom of my boot, and as I walk toward the nearest trash can, I hear Jason's voice. “You live on the east side of town, right?”
It’s startling to see that he seems to know this. But it makes sense since we run in the same circle of friends. “Ummm, yeah.”
“So does Rose. I’ll walk with you.”
“Excellent idea!” Kory says with optimism oozing out of her. “It’s dangerous to walk alone at night.”
Dick seems to like that idea. He looks at me and says, “Send a text when you get home.”
Jason rolls her eyes. “She’ll be fine. I can make sure she gets home fine.”
We’re silent as we part ways from the group. It’s not until we’re a block away that I feel the pressure of his hand on my back. It’s hot, and it burns my cold skin. It’s nice, and I just want to engulf myself in it.
“I have tequila up in my apartment,” I say. “You wanna come up for a nightcap?”
He bites the side of his cheek and says, “Sure.”