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I had my glass of ice-cold white wine pressed to my cheek, cooling my skin and possibly ruining my makeup. I was in a sort of daze, standing in a tiny corner away from the rest of the party. No one noticed me, though, and if they did, they didn’t give me much thought.
Jason wore an easy smile as he talked to many of the guests at the party. There was an air of casual ease to him, even though I knew he despised these sorts of events. But he was very good at pretending. He had a glass of champagne in one hand and Rose Wilson’s hand in the other.
I took a long swing of my wine, letting it relax my insides and blur everything. Things are better to handle when I can’t feel anything at all.
A waiter with a tray passed by and I gave him the empty glass so I could find another one.
“Raven,” Kory greeted me cheerfully as I approached the buffet table. “How are you? You look well.”
I managed to smile at her as I reached for a handful of shrimps. “As good as I’ll ever be.”
It was meant to sound funny, but it came off a bit self-deprecating.
“You look lovely tonight,” Kory looked down at my dress, and I followed her gaze.
It was a burgundy crushed velvet dress that I found in a thrift store. The neckline was wide and showed off my shoulder blades with sleeves that ended at my elbows. The knee-length skirt swayed with each subtle movement, and it made it fun to twirl around.
I kept my hair down as a way to keep the look simple, though I opted for my usual black eyeliner and pink blush. None of the various shades of lipsticks went with the dress, so I didn’t wear any. Sure, I wanted to look amazing , but not as though I was trying.
Jason could read me like a book. I didn’t want him to be onto me. But it wasn’t like he was paying me any attention with Rose beside him.
“Thanks,” I said. “I like your dress, too.”
Kory smiled widely. “Are you having fun?”
I shrugged, determined to my pull my facade of not caring. “Oh, you know, these things aren’t really my thing.”
Kory’s shoulders seemed to relax, as though she was holding something in and my words somehow alleviated her. “Honestly, me neither. I’m just here as Dick’s date.”
We stood there idly by the food, a glass of wine in each of our hands, watching people as they socialized. When Kory’s gaze was preoccupied, I chanced a glance over my shoulder and found Jason talking lively with a group of young rich men, all possibly from the same fraternity. Rose was nearby, talking to a group of beautiful women who seemed like they had their shit together. They were probably the girlfriends of the men Jason was conversing with.
I might have been staring at him for too long as he lifted his green eyes and found me. My body froze and his stare trapped me. There was nothing in his face, but his eyes seemed to bore into mine.
I quickly averted my eyes, looking down to pretend I was looking at my shoes. My hair fell forward like a shield, but I could still feel his burning gaze.
Kory shifted closer to me and said, “Jason seems to be having a good time.”
I didn’t trust myself to speak without my voice cracking, so I simply nodded.
“Have you had a chance to congratulate him?”
This time, I shook my head.
Taking a deep breath, I looked up to find him with his attention away from me. He returned to the conversation, but Rose had settled herself underneath his arm. Her smile was blindingly brilliant, with her teeth all straight and shiny. Her hair was perfectly pulled up into a chic ponytail with no strand of hair out of place.
I took a glass of champagne from the buffet table and took a long swing. If I stared at Rose any longer, I was going to feel extremely inadequate, and I didn’t want that. I didn’t need to compare myself to her. That wasn’t fair for either one of us.
I took a really long sip of champagne, and once I pulled it away from my lips, the glass was completely empty. A sigh escaped my lips and I felt my shoulders slumped.
Alcohol wasn’t going to make me feel better, not when Jason was on the other side of the room with another woman in his arms.
“I’m going to go find a bathroom,” I said to Kory. She gave me a small nod. I started walking toward a hallway, which I wasn’t sure led to a bathroom, but just knew would lead me somewhere else. I didn’t care where; I just wanted to be anywhere else.
It took me down to an empty part of the venue, one where not even the employees lingered.
I leaned against the pristine white wall and felt my muscles relax. My head fell back, and I tried to breathe in as much air as I could. My whole body felt light, but I also felt utterly empty and numb.
I wanted to feel. I wanted to be whole.
A voice came out from the darkness. “What are you doing here?”
My head rolled to the side, in the direction the voice came from. “Just standing.”
“You could do that with everyone else at the party.”
“I like doing it over here.” I was starting to feel sluggish the longer I stood there. My whole weight was resting on the wall behind me. “Nobody was bothering me until you just now.”
Jason leaned his shoulder against the wall and kicked one leg behind his ankle. “Is it so bad over there?”
I managed to meet his eyes. “I shouldn’t be here.”
“I invited you here.”
“And that was fucking cruel of you.”
He reached out and placed his hand at my hip, trying to pull me closer. I tried to stay where I was, but I could feel my body lose strength. I never had much of a fighting chance when it came to Jason. I was weak and I fucking hated it.
He had his arm wrapped around my waist and I went soft under his touch. “This is your engagement party,” I whispered.
Jason didn’t say anything, just brushed the tip of his nose against mine.
I shut my eyes tight, as tightly as I could. I couldn’t look him in the eye. If I did, I would lose.
His breath warmed my face and I resisted a shiver. I kept my arms to my sides even though I longed to trace his jaw, to trail my fingers upward until they were buried in his dark hair. Jason was not good for my sanity. He brought out my recklessness. He made it impossible to think, to do the right thing.
He’s getting married to Rose. And though this thing between us started long after he got engaged, and I knew what I was getting into, it was starting to hurt.
I wasn’t supposed to feel anything for him. But of course, I’m fucking dumb and started feeling everything for him. It wasn’t fair.
I forced my eyes open. “I want to go home.”
Jason nodded. “Ok, I’ll take you home.”
I quickly shook my head, though I immediately regretted it when nausea overtook me for a moment. “No, I’m going to call an Uber.”
His fingers dug into my waist. “Let me take you home.”
I brought a hand up to shove him away, taking it as an opportunity to step away from his intoxicating atmosphere. Maybe if I stood far away from him, my brain would regain clarity.
“It’s fine. I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself.”
With several feet between us, I managed to stand straight and stare at him resolutely. “Congrats Jason. Hope you and Rose will be happy together.”
With that, I walked away and didn’t bother looking back.