Chapter Text
You hadn't planned it.
The thought just crossed your mind a few times, but at the end, you always knew you couldn't. You couldn't leave Alexandria, you couldn't leave... Him. As much as it hurt you to stay and endure the angry faces always judging you; you couldn't bring yourself to leave that place.
That was until... You found out you were pregnant. That's when you knew it was time to go, that, as much as you loved Negan, it wasn't fair for you or your future child to stay in Alexandria.
Those days, it was really hard to see Negan. Rick gave you permission a long time ago to visit him in his cell twice a week. He trusted you, and sometimes would even let you stay alone with him. Lately, somehow, Negan knew you were keeping something from him. He knew you were lying.
"What is it, honey? C'mon. It's me. You know you can tell me anything." He tilted his head, a look of curiosity in his eyes as he made a move on the chess board you had gotten him a few weeks ago. It was hard to convince Michonne to let him have it, but after a long talk about how Negan needed some distractions in order to stay sane, she finally let you do it. You snapped out of it as you heard Negan call your name in a questioning tone. "Are you okay? You've been like this lately. Did someone do anything to you?"
You just moved your head no and smiled a bit. "I just miss you outside. It's nothing." You shrugged, making a move on the board as well. He didn't buy it, but he stopped asking.
Later on, when you heard that Maggie was leaving with Georgie in search of new communities, you knew it was your chance to go. That was your way out and as much as you needed it, you didn't want it. You desperately wanted to stay in Alexandria.
But what would you do here? Everyone would know that you were pregnant with Negan's child. What kind of life would your kid have? What kind of future did you truly want for you both? An eternity of visiting Negan on his cell? Celebrating Father's Day down there with Negan chained to his bed?
No. It couldn't be.
Days went by and you just knew that you had to make a decision.
Soon, you were sprinting to Michonne's house and telling her you were leaving as well, letting it out before you even had time to change your mind. Rick's passing was hard for everyone, but Michonne... She always understood everyone else and she was a great leader. That also meant she knew everything.
"How long do you have?" She asked as she poured you both a cup of tea. You nervously shifted your weight on your other leg, leaning a bit on the kitchen counter. You didn't know what to say or what she was truly asking. "You thought I wouldn't notice?"
You scratched your arm. "What?" You mumbled. She turned around and gave you your tea, just looking at you, waiting for an answer. How did she know? Did she find the pregnancy test in the garbage? You held the warm cup close to your chest. "... I think about 7 or 8 weeks. I was just late a-and-" out of nowhere, you felt your cheeks burning and your eyes blurry with tears. Then, as you fought yourself to stay calm, you felt Michonne taking the cup back, putting it on the counter and her arms bringing you into a tight hug. You couldn't keep yourself from crying out, letting it all out. "... I should've listened to you." You mumbled, remembering how she warned you and advised that you to distance from Negan. "I thought about... Stopping it, but, but I- I don't think I want to." You confessed as she caressed your back.
Maybe you wouldn’t have Negan, but the thought of having his child… it warmed your chest, just knowing that somehow, he would always be with you.
Michonne side smiled in sadness and separated from the hug, holding your shoulders and moving her head no. "It's your decision. No one should judge for that." She sighed. "And I agree that you should leave. Now you have to think about someone else, and it wouldn't be fair for that someone to grow up... You know. Like that."
You nodded, wiping your tears. She was right.
That same day, Michonne and Maggie spoke over the radio, coming to an agreement about taking you with her and Georgie. Maggie always liked you, but after Negan... Things changed a lot between you two. Still, you were grateful that she quickly accepted for you to come with her, even a little excited about it.
After that, you couldn't bring yourself to visit Negan. You just knew you wouldn't be able to keep it together. Negan always knew how to... Manipulate you, almost. You knew he would say the word and you would stay for him, because you loved him. You protected yourself from that and didn't go see him that week… or anyone. You stayed home.
Most of those nights, you spent crying your eyes out. You had so many emotions mixed inside your heart, but at the end, you always ended up knowing that you made the right call; slowly bringing yourself to pack your stuff and leave behind everything that reminded you of Negan.
Then, the day came. Michonne came by early with some gifts, even some prenatal vitamins that put a bright smile on your face when you saw them.
She helped you finish getting your pair of bags full. When it was time to say goodbye to your house, you just stood there in the entrance for a good five minutes. You didn't cry, but a bittersweet feeling washed over you as memories came back to your brain, your hand holding the door open with trembling fingers. Rick had given you that house years ago, it was one of the little ones with only one room, but he thought that you needed the privacy; and you did indeed.
When The Saviors came, this was the last house they searched, Negan coming in all surprised while looking around at the way you decorated everything. He had Lucille in hand, leather jacket; and when you saw him that first time you felt your knees weak, your head wondering how someone so bad was so fucking handsome.
He went on and on flirting with you, telling you that you were the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, sugar coating every word he said. You didn’t answer, but your red cheeks and the way you pressed your thighs together sold you off. "Leave her stuff." Negan ordered the rest of his men, who were already taking out your bed. He was inspecting your face, the way you looked at him. He leaned close, getting into your personal space while getting a strand of hair out of your cheek. You swore your insides were turning when you felt his gloved hand on your skin. "There's only one little thing that I want from this house." He grinned, shamelessly looking down at your shiny lips.
You clenched your fists at the memory of him luring you to him every time he came back. He wouldn't let anyone touch you or your things, and treated you like a princess. He knew what he was doing to you, all that time. And you fell for it.
Michonne put a hand on your shoulder, making you come back to the present. "It's time." She informed, making you look back at the little group forming by the front gate. You could see Maggie already there, waving at you. You forced yourself to smile, and waved in response. Then, you looked down at your stuff and sighed. Almost automatically and without really intending to, you looked around at the direction of Negan's cell. "Do you want to... Say goodbye?" Michonne asked, following your gaze.
You felt like puking, all your muscles were so tense that they were starting to get sore. "N-No. It's better if I don't. Just... Tell him, after." You answered, getting down and taking your bags on your back. Checking for your knife and your gun, you were finally sure you had everything you needed.
Michonne walked next to you towards the gate. You were one of the best warriors they had in Alexandria and she would miss you, but she knew this was for the best.
As you walked, you forced yourself not to look back, and certainly not to look at Negan's cell. Your head was aching, loud banging on the back of your head, your subconsciousness trying to get you to change your mind, making you feel guilty for leaving without saying goodbye at the very least.
When you finally got to the horses, Maggie gave you a hand to get up on the one next to her. She noticed your blurry eyes, and the way you seemed to even be distant from your body. She and Michonne took your bags and secured them to the horse, letting you have a moment to let it all sink in.
You truly weren't present in the moment. Even the air felt strange. In all your life, you had never felt so disassociated from the world. You tried, but your mind kept going back to Negan, his face, his warmth, his voice hammering into your head.
You had barely made it out of the gates with the others, when you started hyperventilating. You felt your skin burning, your head exploding as you came back to reality. You looked around and felt anxious just looking at all the people behind and in front of you. Maggie was right next to you, but she was talking with someone else and the little bits of sunshine on your skin felt like ice.
You couldn't control your actions. Out of nowhere, you hopped off the horse. As Maggie called your name and stopped everyone, you bit the insides of your cheeks, embarrassed. "I'll be back." You looked at her with a pleading look. She didn't answer, her lips parted in a bit of shock as you sprinted back into Alexandria.
The cold air hit your cheeks as you ran as fast you could towards... Him. No one stopped you or even asked. They all knew too well what you looked for.
You opened the door with your trembling fingers, adrenaline washing over you as you walked into the dark room you knew too well.
Negan looked up from his bed, surprised. He saw your red cheeks, your whole body tensed as you tried to catch your breath. He quickly got up. "Doll? Hey-"
"I'm sorry." You mumbled, your eyes filling with tears. Your hands wrapped on the metallic grit and your heart ached at the sight of his confused, worried gaze. He put his hands over yours, caressing your skin and trying to understand what was happening. "You just have to know that no matter what, I will always care about you. You were everything to me. I don't care if they don't believe it, I-I..." you panted, your lips trembling. "I know you have a heart in there. I know you are better than you think you are and I can't thank you enough for teaching me how to love as much as I loved you."
"What.... What is it? What happened? Why are you telling me this?" He asked, leaning down to be as close as he could to you.
"Negan..." You cried, moving your head no and taking a deep breath. Even in here, he always looked so handsome for you. His hazel eyes sparkled when he looked at you. “I’m sorry. You know that I love you, but I can’t keep on doing this. I have to leave.”
He blinked fast. “What do you mean? Wait-“ He mumbled as he felt your hands slipping away from his. “Baby, please, don’t do something stupid; just talk to me. I’m here.” He pleaded, holding your hands tightly so you wouldn’t go. You were crying hard while still looking at him. His eyes filled with tears as well, his gut telling him that you weren’t ever coming back from wherever you were going to. “Don’t leave me. I can’t live without you.”
Those words made you flinch and hold his hands tight as well. You had told him those same exact words when he tried to leave you to protect you from the war. He desperately tried to explain to you that he was putting you in danger, but you didn’t have any of it. You just wanted to be by his side, no matter what.
Those words were the ones that kept him from leaving you. Now he was saying it to you and you felt even ashamed that you couldn’t stay by his side as well.
“You can. You have to.” You mumbled, biting your lip to get yourself to stop your tears. There was no way that all these emotions were good for the baby.
The baby.
Just the thought of it calmed you down.
"I don't- I can't. You understand me? I can't. You are the only thing- You are the best part of me." he moved his head no, pressing his lips together and looking up to the ceiling for a second. He felt like he was choking on his words. That never happened to him but with you, it was always different. "You've always been. If you leave me, just-" he groaned, his grip firm on your hands. "What am I gonna do without you?"
You took a deep breath in, and your hands once again slipped away from his, trembling at how he desperately tried to hold you again. "Just listen..." You whispered. You wanted to calm him down, to let him know that it would all be okay. Your arm went up, your hand going up between the bars to hold his cheek softly; feeling his beard on your skin. He didn’t move. “…If I never see you again, just know that I love you so, so much.”
You couldn’t stay longer. You took a step back, your hand caressing his cheek one last time, trying to remember his eyes, his lips, his hair. You knew you wouldn't love any other man like you loved him, not ever again.
You bit your lip hard, the taste of blood quickly hitting your tongue before you turned around and ran outside, not looking back. Not even when you heard him screaming your name, his arms shaking the cell so hard you could hear the metal shifting and echoing through the room. You could feel your heart breaking as his screams turned into cries and you sprinted through Alexandria weakly, wiping away your tears.
You just ran, you ran as fast as you could, and you never looked back.