Work Text:
Jared Padalecki is four years old when he first hears the voice in his head.
The boy talks to him, and he’s nice, and he tells Jared stories about how he and his brother went fishing with their dad that weekend. Jared doesn’t find it strange.
After all, doesn’t everybody have a voice in their head?
Jared’s mama laughs at him when he spends hours sitting in the corner talking to the boy. They talk about everything, and Jared tells him how scared his is about starting kindergarten in the fall.
But the boy is older, and already in the second grade, and he tells Jared that there’s nothing to be scared about and how Jared will meet lots of new friends when he starts school and Jared smiles sadly.
He doesn’t think he could ever have a better friend than the boy in his head.
~*~
When Jared is seven, his mama gets mad at him for staying in his room all day one Saturday. He lies on his bed and stares at the ceiling and listens as the boy in his head tells him about falling out of the tree house he and his best friend built, breaking his arm and his leg.
He tells Jared about the ER waiting room and the x-ray machine, and how the doctors have to snap his arm back into place before they put the cast on.
Jared winces and tries to cover his ears when the boy screams in pain, but the voice is in his head, so covering his ears doesn’t really do much good.
Jared’s mama stands in the doorway of his bedroom and looks at him angrily. She’s upset that he’s just lying there on his bed instead of out playing in the street. The kids from his neighborhood are playing kickball in the middle of the street and she wants to know why Jared doesn’t want to join in.
Jared tells her he wants to be there for his friend in the hospital and he can’t listen to him and tell him everything will be alright if all the other kids are screaming and laughing and playing.
She sighs sadly at him.
“Jared, you’re getting too old for imaginary friends. It’s time you stopped pretending.”
She walks out of his room without another word and Jared narrows his eyes at her retreating form.
My mama thinks you’re not real, he says to the boy in his head.
The boy laughs, but Jared can hear the underlying hint of tears and pain, not yet over his accident.
We know better.
~*~
At twelve, Jared parents send him to see someone called Samantha.
He sits on a couch in a huge room and Samantha sits on a chair across from him. She has a notebook balanced on her lap and a pen in her hand and every time she asks Jared a question, she writes his answer in her book.
She asks about the boy and Jared smiles. He boy is giggling in his head, urging Jared to tell her that he’s a fifty foot giant with purple skin. The boy is sixteen now, in high school, and they already went through this with the boy and his parents.
Jared just thought his parents were different, that they understood.
The boy grows sad.
You gotta do what I did, kid, he says to Jared with pain in his voice.
Jared nods and Samantha cocks her head to the side, thinking he’s nodding at her.
Jared knows what happened, three years earlier, when the boys’ parents got worried about their son talking to a voice in his head, and Jared knows now that he has to do the same thing.
“So, Jared,” Samantha starts, “this imaginary friend your parents are so worried about. Do they have a name?”
Jared stares at her for a few long, painful moments. In all the years he’s had the boy’s voice in his head, he’s never once asked for his name. It just didn’t seem important.
Samantha frowns at him, the boy gives him a mental kick and Jared remembers what it was he was supposed to be doing.
He laughs.
“Man, is that the reason they sent me here?”
“You don’t think you need to be here?”
“Not for something like that, no.”
“You don’t think we should be concerned about a boy your age that still has an imaginary friend? You’re almost a teenager, Jared, this is something that we’re a little concerned about. Isn’t that something we should worry about?”
Jared shakes his head. “No, because it was a joke.” He laughs again and shrugs his shoulders. “I mean, yeah, I had an imaginary friend when I was a kid, but that was then. I think I’m a little old to be talking to people in my head.”
The boy snorts and Jared shoves him.
Samantha writes something in her notebook. “A joke? Why did you think something like that would be funny, Jared?”
Jared shrugs again. “My big brother did it when he was my age. My parents said he was acting out because he was jealous of me and my sister.” Jeff is almost six years older than Jared. He’s starting college in the fall, and Jared remembers his parents laughing and joking about the time when Megan was born. Jeff was ten, Jared was four, and his mama said Jeff was jealous of all the attention his younger siblings were getting, so he pretended he was talking to imaginary people.
But his parents had laughed and brushed it off and everything went back to normal.
They didn’t send him to see a fucking shrink, the boy says scathingly. Why do they think you’re so fucking different? Why do they think you need help? Ain’t nothing wrong with you, and I’m kinda pissed that they think that there is. Just you wait til I get my hands on them.
Jared spends a while soothing the boy, trying to calm his anger and picturing him stomping around his room in a rage.
He misses Samantha’s questions, just nods when he thinks it’s appropriate, but after a while, the boy calms down, and Jared turns most of his attention back to Samantha.
“I’m sorry,” he says to her finally. “I didn’t know I was upsetting my folks so much.”
Samantha nods and smiles. “Just remember, Jared, you don’t have to do everything your big brother does.”
The boy laughs again and Jared fights to hold back his disgusted frown. He’s never wanted to be anything like Jeff. Jeff thinks of nothing but the next girl he can con into going on a date with him.
Jared wants to be like the boy in his head. Loud, and happy, and smart.
Nah, man. You’re gonna be so much better than me.
~*~
Jared is fourteen when he finds himself behind the cafeteria with Daniel Keller’s tongue in his mouth.
It’s wet and messy, and Jared frowns to himself even as Daniel fists his hands in the front of Jared’s shirt, pulling him closer.
It’s nice, Jared supposes, but he’s never really given much thought to kissing anyone, never mind kissing the boy who used to steal his pudding cup in second grade.
The voice in his head is laughing at him, telling him it’s about time he got his first kiss out of the way.
Jared has known for years that the boy in his head likes other boys and Jared doesn’t really understand how that can be weird, but the boy tells him that not everyone is so accepting of boys being gay, and he warns Jared to be careful, to make sure this is what wants.
I think I’d rather kiss you, Jared tells him, pulling Daniel close again, tilting his head slightly to get a better angle.
The boy in his head laughs again, but it sounds forced this time. You don’t even know what I look like.
Jared shrugs mentally, licking into Daniel's mouth with more confidence than he feels. Weren’t you the one to tell me that looks aren’t everything? I’d still rather kiss you.
Yeah, the boy says sadly. I think I’d rather kiss you, too.
Daniel asks Jared if they can be boyfriends, and Jared agrees, if for no other reason than he can’t have the boy in his head.
~*~
The summer before Jared’s sophomore year of high school, he spends most of his time listening to the voice in his head panic about college.
He’s starting Texas Tech in the fall, and Jared frowns a little because he doesn’t know what he’s so scared about. Then he laughs, because it’s the exact opposite of their first conversation, when Jared was four and the boy a manly eight.
This is a big deal, man, he cries at Jared. All my friends are going someplace else, my folks are gonna be in Richardson while I’m hundreds of miles away, and I’m freaking out. I’m gonna be on my own for the first time ever.
No, you’re not, Jared tells him with a patient smile. I’m gonna be right there with you, right?
There’s silence in his head for a while as Jared’s words sink in and when the boy’s voice returns, he sounds better, calmer.
Yeah. Yeah, you will be. Every step of the way, right?
Right.
The boy tells Jared that he wants to major in sports medicine and Jared rolls his eyes, because the boy has talked about doing nothing else since he broke his arm and leg that spring when Jared was seven and had to suffer through physical therapy for months.
I’m going be the PT for the Cowboys, man, he tells Jared proudly.
I’m gonna laugh when you end up working for the Giants.
No free tickets for you, punk.
Jared knows he won’t be getting free tickets anyway, no matter where the boy ends up working.
~*~
The boy is nineteen now, and Jared thinks he should stop calling him ‘the boy’.
~*~
During Jared’s senior year of high school, he dates a girl called Sandy. He’s known her since middle school and the whole thing feels kind of awkward, but he tells himself it’s what guys are supposed to do in high school and just goes with it.
Supposed to do? The voice in his head snorts at him. Since when have you ever done something you’re supposed to do? You do what makes you happy, kid, not what you think will make other people happy.
But I can’t have what makes me happy, Jared tells him with a sigh and leans in to kiss Sandy again.
I know, kid, the man, not boy, says. I know.
When Sandy tries to let him get to third base in the back of his car parked on the edge of town, Jared recoils and drives her home.
The next day Jared tells Sandy he’s gay.
She slaps him and walks away and the man in his head chuckles.
Welcome to Team Queer, kid.
Jared rolls his eyes.
~*~
Jared’s leaving for college. He’s going to Texas Tech to study engineering.
The man who belongs to the voice in his head is starting his senior year at Texas Tech, and Jared tries to tell himself that it’s coincidence, but he knows it’s complete crap.
The man tries to tell him about the campus, about where to eat and where to get coffee that doesn’t taste like sludge, but Jared’s not really listening. He tells him that the freshman dorms are a little on the shabby side, but not too bad, but all Jared can do is frown, because it all sounds so real. Jared has never been to Texas Tech, didn’t even go to check it out before he signed his acceptance letter because he’s known since he was fourteen that he wasn’t going to go anywhere but Texas Tech, and seeing the campus was not going to change his mind, or make him any surer.
But if he’s never seen the campus, never even looked at the pictures in the brochure that closely, then how can Jared know where the bookstore is? Or the quickest way to get from the science building to the cafeteria?
The whole thing makes his head spin and the voice in his head laughs.
I told you, I got your back on this.
Jared decides not to think about it.
~*~
The first week of college passes in a blur for Jared.
He meets his roommate, a guy called Chad from New York, and he seems cool, if a little on the weird side.
His classes are cool, if a little harder than what he’s used to, and it’s glaringly obvious, after the first three full days of classes, that he’s not in high school anymore.
On the Friday before his second weekend at Texas Tech, a girl sits down next to him in his physics class. She’s tiny, brunette, with a huge, shining smile, and Jared thinks she’s beautiful, in that abstract sort of way he sees most things in these days.
“I’m Genevieve,” she says and sticks out her hand.
“Jared,” he introduces, his huge hand engulfing her tiny one.
“I don’t normally do things like this, Jared,” she clears her throat, shifts in her seat until she’s facing him head-on and gives him a flirtatious smile, “but would you like to go to a party with me this weekend?”
Jared sighs and wishes he could just hang a sign around his neck.
It’s not that he minds hot girls asking him out, but he hates the look on their faces when he says no, like he’s dashed all their dreams of a white wedding and two point four kids.
“Sorry,” he tells her, ducking his head to avoid her gaze. “But I’m not really the partying kind of guy.”
Genevieve huffs out a breath. “Fine, coffee, then? Dinner?”
He doesn’t want to be mean, but she seemed determined not to take no for an answer.
“I’m gay,” he says, not unkindly, and looks up to watch her blink her eyes in astonishment.
“Oh,” is all she says for a few minutes, she just sits and stares and him and Jared fidgets uncomfortably.
Then she beams at him, a huge, blinding smile that Jared can’t help but return.
“Awesome. I’ve always wanted to be a fag hag.” She settles back in her chair just as the professor walks in and Jared stares at her in astonishment.
The lecture starts, and Jared forces himself to pay attention, but he keeps waiting for the voice in his head to start cracking jokes about how Jared has found himself a fag hag in college before he found himself a boyfriend.
But the voice in his head is silent.
Now that Jared thinks about it, the guy in his head hasn’t been there for a while, ever since he got to the university, and he doesn’t want to think about what that means.
Because he’s terrified it means his friend is gone.
~*~
Jared swings his legs over the bench of the table that Genevieve snagged for them and gives each of his friends a smile.
Chad just waves absently at him, his eyes clued on Sophia, who’s chatting to Genevieve on the other side of the table.
Jared rolls his eyes. It’s kind of adorable how pathetically in love with Sophia Chad seems to be, but so far, almost two months into their lives at Texas Tech, Chad has yet to work up the balls to ask her out.
Jared’s thinking about doing it for him, except he doesn’t need everyone starting in on him again about the fact that he’s not dating.
He’s had one date since starting college, and it was pretty much a disaster from the word go. The guy, Milo, was cute, Jared supposes, but there was just something missing, and Jared doesn’t let himself think about the fact that Milo wasn’t as quick witted, wasn’t as thoughtful, wasn’t as sensitive or funny as a guy he once knew, and he has to remind himself that he didn’t know that guy at all.
It’s mid-October, and Jared hasn’t spoken to the voice in his head since the night before his first class and it feels like something’s missing deep inside his chest. The guy has been a part of Jared’s world since he was four years old. That’s fourteen years, and Jared’s not sure he’ll ever get used to life without him.
Which is why Jared doesn’t let himself think about that guy, and he focuses his attention back on his friends and tries to join in their conversation as Sophia tells them about the new art project she’s working on.
Suddenly, a loud and familiar laugh rips through Jared’s head and he smiles to himself, happy beyond all words and comprehension, because the voice in his head is back.
“Man, fuck you, Chris. You can fucking keep your music major, you fucking slacker.”
It takes Jared a few seconds to realize the voice in his head isn’t talking to him.
Slowly, so slowly it seems like he’s not moving at all, Jared turns around to look at the table behind them. It’s crowded with a group of older kids, seniors most likely, but Jared’s eyes settle on the back of a dark, sun-streaked head.
“Slacker?” a guy with long hair gasps. “Hey, man, you are going to be nothing but jealous when I’m out there beating them off with a stick and topping the country music billboards.”
The guy Jared is staring at shakes his head. “I’m gonna be the PT for the Cowboys, man. Nothing you can say can beat that.”
“I’m gonna laugh when you end up working for the Giants.” The words are out of Jared’s mouth before he can stop them, and he watches as the guy laughs, his shoulders shaking with mirth. It’s an old joke by now, one they know by rote, and Jared waits patiently for the response.
The guy with the long hair turns on the bench to face him, a scowl creasing his face.
“Do we know you, kid?”
The whole table is staring at Jared now, and he can feel the eyes of his friends burning in his back, but his gaze stays locked on the only person who isn’t looking at him.
He watches as the guy’s shoulders stiffen and he sits up straight on the bench. Jared can tell when he swallows past a lump in his throat before speaks.
“Did you hear that?” he asks the red head sitting in front of him. “Did you hear the joke about the Giants?” Desperation tinges his voice but Jared knows it all the same. It’s the same voice he’s been listening to for over fourteen years.
The red head frowns and nods. “Uh, yeah, since the guy who said it is standing right there and all.” She scrunches up her face as she studies the guy. “Jen, are you alright?”
“Standing…?” the guy runs out of words and Jared feels his breathing pick up.
Jen, apparently, turns to look at him so fast Jared’s surprised he doesn’t have whiplash.
Huge, impossibly green eyes settle on Jared, taking in everything he is in one graceful sweep before they look back into his eyes.
“Say something so that I know I’ve lost my mind and have to ask Chris to drive me to the nearest loony bin.”
Jared shrugs. “I’ve been talking to you for almost my whole life, what do you want me to say?”
“Jesus,” Jen says, and he bounces from the bench, crossing the space separating them in the time it takes Jared to blink.
Jared reaches for him just as Jen grabs him by the front of his shirt and then they’re kissing, and it’s like everything Jared was looking for finally clicks into place.
The kiss is soft, but demanding, Jen’s tongue sweeping into Jared’s mouth like he’s trying to prove something. His hands fist themselves into Jared’s hair and Jared wraps his arms around Jen’s waist and pulls him as close as they can get standing in the middle of the cafeteria surrounded by all their friends.
Finally, they break apart, all panting breaths and amazed smiles.
“I didn’t know you had freckles,” Jared whispers, running his fingertips across cheekbones dotted with tiny brown spots.
“Didn’t know you were so damn tall,” he retorts with a smirk, but then his eyes soften, and he gazes at Jared with something like wonder in his green eyes. “I missed you so much.”
Jared nods, understanding completely. “I know, I missed you, too.”
“I looked for you, in my head, spent hours in my room, lying on the bed with my eyes closed just hoping you would say something”
Jared nods again, because he did exactly the same thing, much to Chad’s annoyance.
“I was gonna look for you on campus,” he says, his voice thick with emotion, “but I didn’t know…I didn’t wanna find out I’d just finally outgrown the voices in my head.”
Jared can hear gasps and confused grunts from the people staring at him, but he doesn’t give them much more than a fleeting thought.
“I can’t believe I’ve been here for two months and you were really here this whole time. I should have looked for you.”
Jen nods his head, looking up at Jared with wet eyes. “Think that’s why you’re not in my head anymore? ‘Cause you’re finally here?”
Jared blinks. It makes about much sense as any of this does. “I think that’s as good a reason as any.”
Jen kisses him again, and Jared lets his hands roam beneath his t-shirt, pressing against the warm, smooth skin of Jen’s back.
“Hey, you mind telling us what the hell is going on here and why you’re making out with a freshman?” the long haired guy asks, forcing them to break apart. Jared hates that guy a little.
Jen wraps his arm around Jared’s waist and turns to face his friends. “Yeah, guys, sorry, this is my boyfriend…um…” he trails off and looks back at Jared. “Sorry, dude, I don’t know you’re name.”
“You don’t know his name?” Genevieve squeaks. “You just said he was your boyfriend.”
“It’s a really long story,” Jen answers for him, because Jared’s mind is kinda stuck on the word ‘boyfriend’.
“Jared,” he mumbles finally. “Jared Padalecki.”
Jen beams at him. “This is my boyfriend, Jared Padalecki.”
The sentence seems so easy, so right and perfect, that Jared can’t find it in himself to argue.
“And you?” he asks, because he doesn’t really think the guy is called ‘Jen’.
“Jensen. Jensen Ackles.”
The feeling of finally having a name to put to the voice is more than Jared can take, and he pulls Jensen into a bone crushing hug as tears fall down his face.
“Hey,” Jensen whispers into the hollow of Jared’s throat, “you told me once that you’d rather kiss me than anyone else. You remember that?”
Jared nods. “Still as true now as the day I said it.”
Jensen sighs. “Thank God for that.”
Jared pulls back and kisses him, just to prove his point.
Jensen grins up at him when they part. “You wanna go somewhere and talk?”
Jared laughs so loudly other people in the cafeteria turn to look at them and he shakes his head. “We’ve done nothing but talk for the last fourteen years, don’t you think it’s time we did something else?”
Jensen’s eyes narrow and he reaches down to grab hold of Jared’s hand. “I’m gonna show you that Daniel fucking Keller had no idea what the hell he was doing down there.”
Jared cackles with glee and he lets Jensen pull him towards the parking lot.
When he was four years old, Jared fell in love with a boy.
Fourteen years later he finally met him.
END