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People by nature are born to love and to feel. We fall in love with different people through the course of our lives; sometimes, we fall out of it, too. Our hearts are designed to feel things, and carry emotions heavier than our fragile little bodies could lift. We love many, and we feel many.
But there are people who will make you feel things that you’ll never feel with anyone else. They will come only once and if you’re lucky, that’s the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with. Most of the time, though, these people stir up emotions in you that you wouldn’t feel with anyone else, and then they’re gone before you even know what to do with these baffling thoughts and dizzying feelings.
That’s what Malia’s grandmother used to tell her. And the first time she laid her eyes on Kwon Soonyoung, Malia knew he was one of those people.
It was the first day of middle school. She was standing inside the gymnasium, eyes twinkling as they roved over the room, body brimming with excitement. Almost everyone dreams of this moment: reaching middle school, another phase in life that brings them one step closer to being an adult. For Malia, this was especially true.
That was when she saw him. Black hair falling in soft waves over his eyes, narrow eyes that made it seem like he was always smiling, charming grin that set off fireworks in her chest. Her ears registered the principal dismissing them and, without thinking, her feet began to step towards him. But she faltered when some guys — classmates of his, she presumed — put their arms around him. They began laughing and pushing each other as they turned away from her, heading for the exit.
“Malia?” she heard a confused voice call her. “We’re going back to the classroom. What are you doing? Did you see someone you know?”
But Malia was too far and deep in her own thoughts to respond to her best friend’s curious queries. Instead, she stared after him and wondered what she had wanted to do. What was her plan? Just approach him and start talking? What would she even say? She mentally hit herself on the head. As if he would talk to a total stranger.
She promised she would try and ignore him. But his existence was radiant, and she found her eyes always drawn to him. She could spot him from a mile away, his soft black hair and impish grin. And she would always stare for a second longer than needed.
“I don’t like him,” she had insisted to her best friend, Carrie, one time. But Carrie was, in her own words, an expert on love. And for the most part, Carrie was always right when it came to matters of the heart. She was always on point when she sniffed out which of their classmates were secretly dating, and her success rate was an impressive 98.9% when it came to guessing people’s crushes.
“Okay, you don’t like him… but you look at him all the time?” she raised an eyebrow as she picked up a tuna maki between her wooden chopsticks. They were sitting in the courtyard, eating lunch when she finally confronted her best friend about her secret crush.
But Malia was adamant. She denied, and denied, and denied some more. Carrie didn’t know if her best friend was just clueless about love and crushes or if she was purposefully trying to avoid confronting her feelings. But she wasn’t going to push her, so she just shrugged as she said, “Well, I guess he is eye candy…”
Malia agreed in her head, but didn’t respond to Carrie’s comment. Instead, she clutched her chopsticks a bit tighter as she wondered exactly what she felt for Soonyoung. The way he made her heart feel was different from all the crushes that Malia had before. It wasn’t the heart-skipping, going-a-mile-a-minute feeling. Her stomach was empty of butterflies, and he didn’t make her blush either.
But every damn time she saw him, her heart would clench and tumble in a weird way that it’s never clenched or tumbled in before.
It went on for a few years. When they reached their last year in middle school, though, Soonyoung was transferred to another class. His classroom was way on the other side of the building, so Malia seldom saw him. During the rare times that she would see him on the way to school in the morning, she would sneak glances at him.
That year, Soonyoung joined the school’s dance troupe. Malia watched one of their dance practices — courtesy of Carrie, of course. Her best friend had recently joined the school’s journal as a photographer, and she was tasked with snapping photos of the newest member of the dance troupe. By that time, there was a silent agreement between the two: Malia has a crush on Soonyoung, and they would never speak about it.
So Carrie, being the good friend she was, would offer silent support by inviting Malia to go to places where she could catch glimpses of Soonyoung — the cafeteria, the courtyard, the library, or bringing her on an errand to the faculty room which was just a few doors down from his classroom.
The gym was loud with shrieks and screams. Girls’ voices, cheering for Soonyoung. “Money Money Money” by Red Cafe was playing on the speakers, and all the members of the dance troupe were dancing but her eyes were on Soonyoung in a heartbeat. It was the first time she had ever seen him so serious, sweat glistening on his face and neck, a bright smile on his face that felt like sunshine piercing her heart. And through it all, the other girls’ screams echoed in her ears.
Of course , Malia thought. How could I be so stupid?
She thought she had found the one that her grandmother always spoke about, the once in a lifetime person who would make her feel things no one else could. But here were a slew of other girls, probably feeling the same way she did. Then there’s no way this could be a once in a lifetime feeling if so many others were feeling it, too, right?
“I need to get home early, so I’m going ahead,” Malia said to Carrie, trying to hide her face. She was sure she felt miserable, and her heart felt like it had been trampled on.
“Huh? I haven’t even gotten any decent pictures yet. He keeps moving around,” Carrie said. Well, duh, Malia thought sarcastically. He’s dancing. Hard to dance when you’re not moving. But her mouth didn’t speak the normally cutting words that Carrie had gotten used to. She simply muttered an apology and exited the gym.
She began avoiding Soonyoung after that. Not that it was hard since their paths so rarely crossed. But every time Carrie would try to do her a favor by dragging her to places where Soonyoung was, Malia would always find an excuse not to go.
“I haven’t finished my homework yet,” she said when Carrie had invited her to the cafeteria during break because Soonyoung and his friends were having lunch.
“It’s cold and I didn’t bring my jacket,” she said when Carrie had wanted to bring her to the library because Soonyoung’s entire class was spending an entire subject period there.
“It’s too hot and noisy there,” she said when Carrie had insisted on dragging her to the gym because Soonyoung was practicing with the dance troupe.
It had gotten to the point where Carrie became so frustrated that she snapped, “Until when are you going to avoid the fact that you like him? What’s wrong about having a little crush on him and indulging yourself a bit? Why does it feel like you’re punishing yourself?”
That made Malia stop in her tracks. They were walking home when Carrie finally spat out the words she had been holding in. Malia knew where her friend was coming from, and why she was saying these things. And it made Malia both guilty and angry. Guilty because Carrie only ever wanted her to be happy, and angry because Carrie didn’t need to meddle in her life so much.
“Why are you pushing me to him anyway?” Malia asked, feeling white hot anger rise from her stomach to her chest, prickling at her eyes. “What, you’re tired of me being a burden to you, is that it? Want to push me to someone else?”
“You know that’s not what this is!” Carrie yelled, hands balling into fists.
Malia didn’t respond. Instead, she turned away from her best friend, feeling a chaotic flurry of emotions that she didn’t even know what was causing them anymore. Was it her fight with Carrie? Was it Soonyoung? Malia didn’t know anymore. So, she left Carrie in the dust and stormed into the orphanage where she lived.
They didn’t speak after that. Carrie had other friends and hung out with them at school, but Malia only ever had Carrie. So, she started spending her time alone.
It was during that time that she found herself near the water station at the gym. She was wearing her oversized Crayon Shin-chan jacket, wrapping it tighter around her. The wind was growing colder, and she could feel winter approaching. Bending over the water spout, the ice cold water hit her lips.
Their class was brought to the library for a reading activity. Malia had a bad habit of always forgetting to bring her water bottle. Usually, Carrie would always let her drink from hers. But now that they weren’t talking, Malia had to make the long walk to the nearest water station, which was ridiculously far now that she thought about it.
“Oh, it’s Crayon Shin-chan!”
Not even the icy water nor the chilly winter breeze could freeze her up, but that voice . That voice she had only ever heard from afar, that voice that was never directed at her, that voice that she thought she would never hear up close…
She turned around robotically, coming face-to-face with that mischievous grin that she had memorized. His hair was dripping with sweat, his white shirt was soaked, and yet he was grinning so widely even though he should be freezing up by now. “That jacket… It’s Crayon Shin-chan, right? I like Crayon Shin-chan.”
Malia could feel her throat beginning to tighten. It felt like that time she had anaphylactic shock from eating peanuts. She ended up getting hospitalized. Would she have to go to the hospital after this, too?
“M-Me, too,” she said in a small voice. Her eyes were wide as saucers, and she couldn’t pry them away from Soonyoung.
Soonyoung nodded, then stared at her. And then, a smile crept onto his face. And then, he started chuckling, which soon turned into bellowing laughter. Malia blinked, unsure what to say or how to react.
“You look so scared!” Soonyoung clutched his stomach in laughter. “What, do I look like a monster? Oh, it’s because I look like a tiger, right? Is it my eyes? I can cover them.”
He placed both hands over his eyes, and Malia bit her lip to stop herself from laughing. He peeked out from behind them, then smiled as his arms lowered to his sides. “Name’s Kwon Soonyoung, by the way. We’re in the same year, right? I think I see you around sometimes… You’re always with that tall girl with short hair, right?”
Malia couldn’t stop herself from gawking. By no means did she ever think that she would be within Soonyoung’s radar and that he would actually know about her existence. She didn’t even dare dream of a world where he knew who she was.
“Um, yeah… I’m Malia. That girl is Carrie...” she faltered as Carrie entered her mind. She felt a twang of guilt and sadness, and she was never good at hiding her feelings. Carrie always said they showed so plainly on her face, that the key to her heart was through her facial expressions. With a start, she then prayed that Soonyoung wouldn’t catch on.
Moving to excuse herself, Malia stepped away from the water station. But Soonyoung, with a worried look in his eyes, asked, “Are you okay?”
Crap, he noticed. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just a bit tired today…”
Soonyoung nodded slowly, unconvinced. Malia began praying, God, strike me with lightning. Let the earth swallow me up right here and now. I’ve made such a fool of myself and now I’m making him worry over a complete stranger. This is so embarrassing.
“This might be weird, but you can talk to me if you need someone to listen,” he said, burying his hands inside his pockets. “You can drop by my classroom. Or if I’m not there, I’m usually here at the gym around this time. We started practicing during class hours because… well…”
Because his fanclub would always gather and interrupt them after class. Malia slapped herself internally. Even if he was her once-in-a-lifetime person, she would never be his; she would always just be one of those girls, fawning over him, close enough to look but too far to reach him.
“Thanks,” she whispered, gripping the sleeves of her jacket tightly before running back to the library. On that day, Carrie noticed that Malia was feeling more down than usual. She silently stood up from her seat and plopped down beside her.
Malia laid her head on her best friend’s shoulder, Soonyoung’s laughter ringing in her ears and feelings without names swirling in her chest.
For weeks after that, Malia wondered if she should greet Soonyoung every time she saw him. When she ran into him at the cafeteria, she thought his eyes lit up in recognition when he saw her. She thought he was about to wave at her and greet her, and she would hear her name fall from his lips. She wondered what it would sound like.
But she could feel the stares of other girls from every corner of the room, trained on him, watching his every move. Sticky gazes that she knew would turn demonic on her if he ever greeted her. So, without thinking, she quickly turned away and rushed away from the cafeteria, leaving him mid-wave, his lips midway into forming a smile and her name.
“I don’t like it,” Malia muttered to Carrie, hugging a pillow to her chest. They were inside the room she shared with the other girls in the orphanage, and Carrie smiled sadly. “I don’t like chasing after things. I always miss them. Whether by a mile or an inch, I always miss.”
Her hands were outstretched, too, the day her father walked out the door and never came back. Her hands were outstretched that day her mother left for work, leaving her in the care of her grandmother for the first time. The only thing that came back was a phone call and her grandmother softly crying in the living room, and the news of a hit-and-run on the news the following day. Her hands were outstretched when she tried to rush towards her grandmother on the hospital bed as her monitor flatlined, hands gripping her by the waist and carting her away as she screamed and thrashed and cried.
And now, her hands were outstretched towards Soonyoung. But so were other hands, and Malia couldn’t risk reaching out for something only to have it taken from her again.
“But how do you know if you never even try?” Carrie asked.
Those words kept Malia up at night. She was torn between pulling away from him or chasing after him. But only a few weeks later, the universe made the choice for her.
“Did you hear? Soonyoung got casted by an entertainment company,” their classmates said in hushed tones. It had been a while since Soonyoung had formed Deep Blue and competed in a dance competition. People were saying that was when he got casted, while some said it was a few days after the competition when he got the call.
Whatever the case, Soonyoung would soon be leaving their small province of Namyangju to train in Seoul. Malia wondered what would’ve happened if she chased after him only for him to leave so soon, to a place farther than her feet could go and her arms could reach.
On their graduation, every step she took towards the stage was filled with sorrow and dread. On one hand, she was another step closer to reaching high school and becoming an adult. Because when she finally became an adult, she could leave the orphanage and get her own place. She could finally build that flower shop that her mother had always wanted to build, explore the world like her grandmother always wanted her to do.
But on the other hand, she would never see Soonyoung again after that.
The ceremony ended, cheers and congratulations were exchanged, but Malia’s eyes were trained on Soonyoung in that small gymnasium, so similar to the first time she saw him. He still had the same charming smile, and his hair fell in enchanting wisps across his face. She wondered if he knew how beautiful he was, and how it felt like a sin to even want him, to want to be with him, to want to adore him.
She wondered what she would be like, the girl that would be allowed to stand by his side and hold his hand and love him . She thought she must be really pretty, and really kind, and so different from herself.
Without noticing, her eyes began to fill with tears. Kaycee, one of the younger kids at the orphanage, began to tug at her sleeve, worriedly staring up at her. But Malia just stared at Soonyoung as he was heading out of the gym followed by his friends and hordes of girls, burning him into her memory.
And then, suddenly, his eyes swept the room and landed on her.
She figured she must have looked stupid, tears falling down her cheeks for no reason at all. But the feelings were stronger today, and they were welling up in her chest as Soonyoung grinned brightly at her, flashing her a peace sign.
Mustering up all her strength, Malia smiled back and waved.
She used to think that she lost everything she had ever chased. Her father, her mother, her grandmother, and now Soonyoung. But in hindsight, none of them left her empty-handed. Her father’s departure had left her with the strength to stand on her own two feet. Her mother’s passing had left her with dreams of pretty, colorful flowers and dainty shops. Her grandmother’s death had left her with the desire to see the world with her own two eyes. And Soonyoung’s moving had left her with hope and motivation.
As Carrie rubbed her back and the orphanage kids started gathering around her and trying to comfort her with sweet words and praises, Malia could only think that she couldn’t wait to become an adult.
She couldn’t wait until she was old enough to buy her own house, build her own flower shop, go on adventures to see the world... and maybe catch a plane to Seoul.