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She wonders as she stares at his picture perfect smile if he remembers her sometimes.
The dog-eared pages of the magazine get crumpled as she fiddles with them, waiting for her strawberry milkshake and cheeseburger. Her eyes move towards the glass window, staring at her reflection. Suzy smiles ruefully. Probably not, she thinks. She had changed since the last time he saw her fifteen years ago. They both had.
Her silky black hair dyed the perfect shade of rose gold. His natural brown hair colored a mesmerizing purple. Her wide round glasses ditched for clear contact lenses. His blinding pearly whites no longer held behind dorky silver braces.
They used to be 10 years old and clueless about the world, content with their little sandbox at the school playground. Jun had just moved into their little town, no more than a mere dot on the map. Jun was the quiet new kid, didn’t speak unless spoken to; Suzy was the loud brat who always pulled the entire class into her antics.
It was one of her antics that brought them together. No one knew where she got the hose, but Suzy had an evil glint in her eye as she slowly, conspiratorially gathered her classmates during recess and said they would play with water that day in the playground. Some of the goody two shoes kids were hesitant, but they all knew she didn’t accept no for an answer. Jun, for the most part, had just gone along with it.
Of course, it would be Suzy who held the hose for the entire thing, aiming at classmates, girls and boys getting attacked with her “water gun” as she called it. When she pointed it at Jun, ready to pick on the new kid, their teacher came storming out into the playground and scolding them. There were shrieks and gasps from everyone as they scrambled to get back inside. Some of them were yelling, “It was Suzy’s idea!”
Suzy had already put on her shocked face, prepared to pull out her excuses and explain how it wasn’t me, teacher, it was Jun who said we should do it despite the hose being in her hand. For some reason, as Mrs. Johnson reached them, only she and Jun were left.
Suzy didn’t understand why he wasn’t running yet, but the poor boy’s eyes were wide in terror and, troublemaker as she was, she couldn’t find the heart to pin the blame on him. But being a selfish little brat, she didn’t want to take all the blame by herself either. The words were out of her mouth before she could think about them.
“Jun suggested it,” she spat out, feeling the guilt immediately gnaw at her stomach. So she quickly added, “And I was the one who got the hose.”
They both ended up staying after class for extra Math drills.
Suzy wanted to ask why he didn’t deny it, why he didn’t tell on her, why he did Math drills with her without a single complaint. But her parents were there, and they were pretty cross with her, so she went straight home and listened to the same sermon she heard when she drew on her desk, when she put a spider in Mrs. Johnson’s drawer, when she got caught sleeping in class.
It was the next day when she finally got to talk to Jun. The first words she ever spoke to him were, “Why are you such a pushover?”
Jun had fidgeted then, unable to meet her eyes, twiddling his thumbs. Suzy made trouble and she was occasionally mean, but she would never be mean on purpose. Seeing him in such a way made her feel guilty.
Ah, that’s what it was, Suzy thinks as the waiter arrives with her milkshake. She smiles as the waiter tells her that the cheeseburger would be ready in a while and turns back to her reflection. She was 10 years old, and not quite in tune with her emotions. She mistook the guilt for irritation, and she had been mean to him.
But everyone else loved Jun. He was nice, they said, and he could draw really well. That just irked her more. Just looking at him made her chest rush, her sight blurry, her ears muffled. She avoided him like the plague, at all costs, as if her life depended on it.
They were 12 when she spoke to Jun again. It had been two years since Jun moved there and they had been put in separate classes in the previous year. They were not in the same class that year, too, and she was immensely happy about that. But as it turns out, peace never lasted long for Suzy.
Jun was the one who found her crying under the bleachers. She was skipping class that day, and so was he. She remembers thinking that he had gotten bolder, that terrified kid from two years ago. He sat beside her, quiet as ever. He didn’t speak, didn’t ask why she skipped or why she was crying. She didn’t know why she felt like crying even with Jun there, but she did. When she got home, her dad’s suitcases were packed and he got into another woman’s car without looking back.
Jun checked on her every day, dropping by her classroom first thing every morning. They were teased by everyone, but Suzy was surprised to find that she didn’t care. She started hanging out with Jun more often, eating lunch and walking home with him.
Without noticing, she had already committed him to memory. Jun used to be such a lanky, funny-looking kid. So different from the charismatic man staring back at her from the cover of the most popular magazine, adorned by diamonds and pretty makeup.
Suzy chuckles to herself. He looks so glamorous, so high-end, so jet-setting. She couldn’t imagine him being the same kid that used to run through the meadow of daisies, the gentle rays of the setting sun cradling their bodies in its warmth. She couldn’t imagine this person eating cheap food with her at the food stand on the corner of Galahad and Sycamore. A laugh escaped her lips as she thought about how he would look so out of place inside Kuya Ricky’s rusty tricycle that they would catch a ride on every morning.
Beauty like his deserved better than their pitiful town, so obscure that probably no one outside it even knows they exist. He deserved to be on stages illuminated by dazzling lights, in lavish parties and high-profile venues, on front covers of magazines for the whole world to see. Just the way he is now , she adds as an afterthought, smiling fondly.
Her cheeseburger, still piping hot from the grill, finally arrives and Suzy blows on it a bit before lifting it up to her mouth. Cheeseburgers, she thinks, is the only thing she has left of Jun. She used to hate the thing, hated the grease and the sickening smell of meat. But Jun made the meanest cheeseburger and she had developed a taste for it from all the times she ate it at his house. That was pretty much the only thing he knew how to make, so she had little to no choice in the matter.
They were 15 and she spent more time at Jun’s house than her own. Her own house was suffocating, her mother drowning in misery ever since her dad left. Jun’s mom was light, and she smiled kindly at Suzy every time she visited. She and Jun were the same — they made her heart feel light, and she loved it there.
Love . It might be too strong a word for a 15-year-old, but Suzy realized that that was what she felt for Jun. That was what she felt for Jun when they were 10, and seeing him made her chest rush, her sight blurry, her ears muffled. That was what she felt for Jun when they were 12, and his presence made her feel safe to cry. That was what she felt when they were 15, and her heart pounded as she watched him smash buttons furiously on his PSP.
Suzy had seen the movies. Listened to all the songs. Read all the books. But they were wrong. When she realized she loved Jun, it wasn’t because of some romantic, heart-skipping gesture that he did. They were sitting in the humid afternoon, orange light filtering through the blinds, electric fan turned up to three and spewing hot air, an open yet unread book on her lap begging for attention, Jun’s leg lazily draped over the armrest of the couch as he played his game. And yet for some reason, in that moment, her heart and mind, which did not always agree with each other, said in unison, “I love him.”
All the movies, songs, and books got what happens after the realization wrong too. Her life didn’t change, she didn’t change, he didn’t change. Absolutely nothing happened — except maybe this time, her head was a little clearer and her heart a little lighter.
But as it turns out, and Suzy thinks she really should have caught on by then, peace never lasts long for her. Not when she was having fun with her antics at 10 years old, which would always be abruptly cut off by Mrs. Johnson’s meddling. Not when she was excited to enter high school at 12 years old, only to hear her parents arguing and her dad saying that he was leaving.
And not when she found out she was in love with Jun at 15 years old, merely a week before he told her that they were moving to Korea.
He must have seen the way her face dropped, the shock dissipating and the sorrow setting in. Jun apologized, and Suzy wishes she could have reassured him back then, told him she would miss him, to take care and keep in touch. Instead, she stormed out of his house, never to step back inside again. She avoided him at school because she believed that pretending he never happened to her would erase the pain.
Suzy chuckles to herself at how stupid she used to be. Her plate and glass now empty, she gathers the magazines, bunches them together and slides them into her bag. Standing up, she offers a smile to the waiter and exits the small diner at the gas station in the middle of nowhere, just a few miles away from her hometown.
She thinks back to the conference she attended earlier. Everything was so huge in the city. It was her first time seeing such a spacious mall and she had been wandering around after the writers’ conference in awe when something caught her eye. A magazine stand, and a face she had not seen in a while.
She was 20 when she first saw his face on television. She was cooking when her mother spoke excitedly, “Sue, come here for a sec. Isn’t that your friend? That guy you were telling me about? You know, that guy?”
When she saw him, it felt like the whole world stopped. Apparently, he was part of a rookie group in Korea. He looked quite the same, but he somehow felt different. She could feel it even through the screen. It wasn’t the same boy who skipped classes with her and got his favorite shoes muddy while running through the meadow after the rain. She felt a knot in her throat. It felt so much like she lost him a second time.
Her mother fixed her with a sad, sympathetic gaze. It was after Jun had left, and Suzy came home drenched in the rain. Her mother began scolding her, but her voice faltered when she finally noticed it. Her red puffy eyes, the tears streaming down her cheeks, the miserable state of her daughter. For a while, her mother just stood there, not knowing what to do. It had been a while since they allowed each other a glimpse of their emotions, having been estranged from each other after her dad walked out on them.
The rainy afternoon felt a little less gloomy, a little less cold when her mother wrapped her arms around her, and the relief that washed over her suddenly made Suzy feel sleepy. She fell asleep on the couch, her head laid on her mother’s lap. That was the day they started mending their relationship.
“You didn’t tell me he was this handsome,” her mother joked, trying to lighten the mood. Suzy laughed. Her dear, dear mother, never knowing what to say at times like this. She went back to the kitchen and finished cooking their dinner.
Dinner! Suzy thinks to herself, slapping her palm to her forehead. She forgot to buy dinner for her mom. She sighed as she got into the car, thinking she’d get some on the way. There were too many people in the diner, too many orders they would have to get through to get to hers. She didn’t want to wait too long. It was already getting late and she just wanted to get home as soon as possible.
She backed out of the parking lot, then stopped in the middle of the road, her car facing the direction that would take her home. Her eyes were planted on the neon red sign of the diner, and they softened with memories of simpler times, of sandboxes and meadows, of warm rooms and skipped classes, of time she couldn’t get back.
I wonder how he remembers me if he does think of me , she thinks, blinking slowly as she tries to imagine the memories that could pop up in his mind. Lying on the grass in his front yard at night, gazing up at the stars. Plucking daisies wet from rain in the meadow. Getting him in trouble when he had just moved in. Nearly burning their kitchen down in her attempt to make something other than a cheeseburger.
So many memories that she couldn’t even place them properly in their timeline anymore. They swirled and mixed with each other, coalescing into a large painting of innocence and warmth and love.
She wonders if Jun brings his fans peace, the same way that he did for her. She wonders if it would be wishful thinking for her to imagine him performing onstage and searching for her face in the crowd. But all the wondering only brought her back to one answer — an answer so simple, and it was staring at her right in the face.
To Jun, her hometown was just a resting place, a stopover. And she was the same to him as this diner was to her: a fleeting memory, a temporary place to rest her aching body before moving on. Her permanency was his ephemeral, and their paths were only meant to cross for a fugitive moment before it steals into the night, never to be seen again.
“Jun,” she whispers, testing the way his name feels as it rolls off her tongue, tasting the way it sounds on her lips. It feels unfamiliar, strange, foreign. It seems like a name that isn’t hers to say. Not anymore.
A bittersweet smile finds a home in her lips as she drives away. Even if he does remember her, it wouldn’t matter. Home is waiting for her, and Jun is far away.