Chapter Text
Stare out the window
Stare at the ceiling
Stare at the door
Go to the bathroom. Don’t look in the mirror.
Back to bed
Stare out the window
Stare at the ceiling
Stare at the door
Elliot hears her footsteps coming up the stairs, and he turns himself away from the door. “El?” Kathy says softly, “You want to eat something?” He keeps his eyes trained on the ceiling, he can’t bring himself to look at her.
“No, I’m good.”
Elliot hears her put a tray down on the dresser, then feels the bed shift a bit and she sits down, “I wish you’d talk to me,” she says, and reaches out to trace her fingers along his bicep.
He knows he’s not being fair, he knows she just wants to help him. But he cannot have this conversation one more time. “Kathy, I can’t.” It’s been 36 hours since he came home. 36 hours since he’s been anywhere but this bedroom. 36 hours and all he can see is Jenna’s face, lifeless, because of him. He closes his eyes, and all he can see is his bullet tearing through her. He stopped closing his eyes 36 hours ago.
“Elliot, please,” she says, a bit more forcefully, “Just talk to me.”
He kneads his fingertips into his forehead, “I told you-”
She cuts him off, “What you always tell me. You don’t want to bring it home. You don’t want me to have these images in my head.”
He finally looks at her then, “Yeah, exactly.”
“That’s bullshit Elliot, and you know it. 25 years I’ve heard that from you, and I’m so tired of it,” she’s frustrated but trying to keep her voice steady, “I’m your wife, not one of the kids. I don’t need you to protect me, I need you to talk to me.”
Elliot sits up, “Kath, please let this go. I can’t do this right now. As if on cue, his phone buzzes on the nightstand and he reaches for it. Olivia.
“And there’s the reason why,” Kathy bites, catching the name on the screen.
Elliot looks at her, but she faces away from him. “What the hell does that mean?” He looks back at the phone, his heart heavy when it stops ringing. He slides out of bed then, heading toward the bathroom.
Kathy stands too, barely hanging on to her composure. She feels for him, she can see that he’s hurting, but something inside her is bubbling up and she is struggling to control it. “Don’t walk away from me, Elliot,” she raises her voice slightly, and he turns to face her.
“Jesus, Kathy, what do you want from me? You want me to break down and cry and talk about my feelings? Come on,” Elliot’s voice is almost taunting in his delivery. He’s just so damned tired.
She snaps then, “I want you to talk to me! I want you to treat me like your wife! The person you share things with!”
He’s angry now. If she really wanted to help, why can’t she just leave him alone to think? “I don’t want to talk about it. I told you that.”
Kathy comes around the bed now, heading toward him, “With me, Elliot! You don’t want to talk about it with me,” her anger goes quiet then, steaming and dangerous, “Did you talk to Olivia about it?”
He hates this game, “No, actually I haven’t.” His words are short, tense. He makes his way to the dresser and pulls out a fresh t-shirt, pulling the one he’s wearing over his head and tossing it aside.
Kathy’s voice is low and heavy with emotion, “But you’re going to.”
He looks at her, and her eyes bore into his, daring him to lie, “She was there, Kathy. She knows what this feels like. She’s-”
“Your partner?” Kathy finishes. She’s heard those words a thousand times, “And what am I, Elliot? Just the woman who waited up nights for you, praying you were safe when you ignored my calls. The woman who couldn’t possibly understand what my husband might be feeling, so better to just pat me on the head and tell me everything’s fine. The woman who raised four children on her own because you never came home, never let us in!”
He’s insulted now, fuming. His voice bounces off the walls,, “I was trying to provide for you! I was trying to keep you safe!”
“At what cost, Elliot! You missed their childhoods! You nearly destroyed our marriage! And now we have Eli, and the cycle is starting all over and you know what,” she comes right up to him now, “I’m not doing it again.”
Kathy thinks back to those years before Eli was born. The missed recitals and soccer games, dinners cut short, out on a call before the kids were up in the morning. He loved his children, she knew that. It was his love for her that she’d always questioned. Olivia understood him in a way she never could, and for so long she’d waited for the day he came home and told her he was leaving her. But he was too good a man, too responsible, too faithful to do that. So she had done it herself. She watched and waited throughout their separation, expecting Elliot and his partner to finally cross that line. But when they didn’t, when he asked to come home, when she’d let him back in, Kathy was happy. He had his chance and he had come back, he had chosen her. She truly believed this time would be different, and for a while it was. Until he started again; staying nights at work, not calling, slowly sinking back into silence. But this time, the silence was so much more deafening. It was heavier and laced with something new. Regret.
Elliot’s jaw twitches, tense with anger, his self control wearing thin. He breathes heavily through his nose and glares down at her, “What’s that supposed to mean?”
She speaks matter of factly, “It’s the same pattern, Elliot. When Maureen and Kathleen were little, you used to come home. Whatever time you had you’d try to spend here. Have dinner, do bedtime, have an actual conversation with me. Then you joined SVU and suddenly you weren’t around anymore.”
He sighs, annoyed, “My caseload got heavier, Kathy, it’s the job. What was I supposed to do, ask the rapists to strike between 9 and 5?”
“It wasn’t just your caseload Elliot! The closer you got to Olivia, the farther you were from us. From me.”
He puts his hands out in front of him and shakes his head, “Stop it, Kathy. You know I would never cross that line!” He turns and walks toward the window, clenching and unclenching his fists.
She doesn’t make a move toward him, just speaks to his back, “Not physically, maybe. But emotionally, Elliot-”
He spins around and yells, “She’s my partner, Kathy!”
She matches his volume, “And I’m your wife!” Her voice breaks, “ I’m your wife. And I have never had all of you. I have shared you with the job, with Olivia,” her voice is quiet now, sad, but resigned, “I’m done with it Elliot. I’m done feeling like I come second to your work. I’m done never having conversations with you because you have them with her.”
Elliot watches her intently, but doesn’t speak. His mind is racing, his heart starting to pound. He’s trying to take in her words, wants to respond, but when he closes his eyes, Jenna is there. He’s failed everyone.
Kathy sits on the end of the bed and stares at her lap, “I raised four children, basically on my own, Elliot.” He doesn’t argue. “I’ve spent my life here in this place,” a beat, “alone.”
He sits next to her, the tension leaving his body. As many times as they’ve had this argument before, it feels like the first time he’s truly hearing it.
“I love you, Elliot,” she says carefully, “But I’ve spent most of my life feeling like I was in this marriage, this family, completely by myself. I won’t do that to Eli. He deserves better than that.”
“What are you…” he trails off, unable to finish the question.
“We have a chance with Eli to be a real family. To live somewhere he can run around and be safe,” she takes a long moment, working up the courage for what she needs to say next, “You’re a great dad, when you’re actually around, but with your job… you’re never here. When Eli was born I thought, maybe it would be different, but here we are. You don’t come home, you barely answer my calls, you see your son a couple of times a week, and now you’re here, in bed for days, and you can’t even tell me why.”
Elliot breathes deeply, “Kethy-”
“No, I need to finish,” she says, meeting his eyes, “I want to get out of here; out of this city, and give Eli the childhood he deserves. And I’m going to do that, with you or without you.”
His breath catches then, eyes narrow as he looks at her, “You think you’re going to take my son away from me?” he says gruffly.
Her voice is just as steely when she answers, “No.I would never keep Eli from you. I’m saying that you can keep doing what you’re doing, and see him….when you see him. Or you can retire. Come with me and Eli and get out of here,” she takes his hand, “You’ve put in your time, you’ve provided for us and protected us, but look at what this job is doing to you, Elliot.”
He pulls his hand away and stands up, paces, “I can’t, Kathy-”
“Why?” she insists, standing and following him, “Because of the job,” there’s venom in her voice now, “Or because of Olivia?”
“Will you stop with that?” he bites
“No, Elliot, I won’t! Because whether or not you want to admit it, she’s as much a part of this as I am,” at her raised voice, Eli starts to cry in the other room. Kathy starts to leave, but turns in the doorway, “It’s me and Eli, or it’s Olivia and your job. Whatever you decide, I won’t hold it against you.”
Elliot squeezes his eyes closed and runs his hands down his face. It was always going to come to this, he knew. But now that it was actually here, he had no idea what he was supposed to do.
***
Elliot lay awake in the guest room, replaying Kathy’s words in his head. He loves his job, it’s true. But the last few years, all the trouble he’s caused, the IAB investigations, watching predator after predator go free, he was tired. And now this last case, Jenna . He shakes his head, trying to clear the image of her face. She was so young, just a kid, only two years younger than his twins. And now she was dead, because of him. He’d spent the last two days puzzling his way out of it. Could he have waited? Should he have let her shoot that bastard? His instincts had taken over, she raised the gun, he shot. He couldn’t differentiate between a troubled teenager, and a rapist. A gun was a gun. A shooter was a shooter. Had he lost perspective? Is there something he could have done differently? IAB was already hounding him. The shooting in the precinct had hit the press. He had two options; he needed to face this, fight it, explain to IAB things he couldn’t even explain to himself, or he could do what Kathy said. He could walk away.
Olivia.
He can see her eyes full of pain, in horror of what had taken place. An entire conversation, all at once screaming and silent across a chaotic squadroom. Those eyes that he could see even in the darkest of places, that told him everything he needed to know. He had been too embarrassed to see her, to talk to her, but now, after the argument with Kathy, she is the only person he wanted to talk to. She would tell him what to do, reason with him, and everything she said would be exactly what he needed to hear. And because she had always put him and his family first, she would tell him to go, even if she didn’t want him to.
Elliot rolls over and picks up his phone. He wants to call her, to answer any of the dozen or so calls she’s made the last two days, but something stops him.
Is Kathy right? He thinks, Do I turn to Olivia when I should be turning to her?
Elliot groans loudly and throws his phone down onto the comforter. The harder he tries to clear his head, the worse it gets. He sits up abruptly, heading down the hallway. He looks into the empty rooms.
Maureen, out of school, working.
Kathleen, overcoming all of her struggles, about to graduate, thriving.
Dickie hasn't truly forgiven him for the death of his friend. Elliot barely hears from him these days.
Elizabeth, so quiet, so kind. All she wants is to keep peace.
When he gets to Eli’s room, he quietly pushes the door open. Elliot takes in his fair skin, his nearly silent breath, the flush of his cheeks. This little boy, this miracle who had brought Kathy back to him, who had survived his traumatic birth, was growing every day and he was missing it. He reaches out and strokes his curls, then pulls the covers up around his shoulders. Elliot sits on the edge of Eli’s bed, watching his chest rise and fall, his lashes flutter in sleep, and he is overcome with emotion. He knows he wasn’t the best father. He’d missed the early signs of Kathleen’s illness, stifled his son until he lashed out, and poor Elizabeth had really just gotten lost in the mix. All he wants to do is watch Eli grow up. To be there for everything he needs. Elliot couldn’t bear the thought of only seeing him every other weekend, maybe a weekday or two if he wasn’t on a case. Eli coos and shifts under Elliot’s touch and his heart swells. His son. His second chance to do things the right way.
Then there was Kathy. All he had ever wanted was to do right by her. To provide for her, protect her, give her and their children a good life, and maybe make the world a bit safer for them all. He hadn’t talked to her about the job, not since he joined SVU. His days were filled with so much darkness, the worst the world had to offer. He never wanted Kathy to know the horrible things he saw. And when he needed an outlet, there was Olivia. She understood, because she had seen it. Was Kathy right? Had it gone too far?
He could not in good conscience say he didn’t love Olivia, but naming it was another story. He loved talking to her, he loved being near her, he loved how she knew what he was going to say before he said it. But Kathy had made him a father, had cared for him, had stuck by him even when he didn’t deserve it. His father hadn’t been a father at all. He was controlling, abusive, cold. All Elliot ever wanted was to end that cycle, but maybe the pendulum had swung too far. In trying to protect his family, had he become just as distant as the man who raised him?
Elliot had a chance to try again. To be the father he had always wanted to be. To be the husband he promised Kathy he would be 25 years ago.
He kisses his son on the forehead, and silently walks back to the guest room. His phone is alight on the bed. He picks it up, already knowing whose name will be on the screen. Olivia.
He bites his bottom lip, and feels his eyes filling unexpectedly. He stares unblinking at her name until the call ends and his voicemail takes over. He rubs a hand down his face, surprised to find tears on his cheeks. He exhales heavily and leaves the room.
Kathy is sleeping, her body curled up, facing the door. Elliot comes in silently, makes his way around the bed, and slips in beside her. He feels her stir as he presses himself to her back and wraps an arm around her torso. He plants a kiss on her shoulder.
“Let’s go,” he whispers against her skin, “Anywhere you want.”
Kathy snakes her arm behind her, stroking his cheek. Her voice is heavy, almost sultry, “I want to go to Rome.”
Elliot’s heart sinks in a way he has never experienced. He starts to physically ache at the thought of being so far from this place, from the life he’s built, from her. But then he sees Jenna’s face, blood running from her mouth, hears her last words, and he wants to be as far away from that image as possible. He pushes Jenna’s face from his mind and replaces it with Eli’s. He can hear his laughter, see him toddling toward him, calling out for him. That’s the image he wants to see every day. He tucks his chin into the crook of her neck and whispers into her ear, “Ok.”
***
Three weeks have gone by. The house is empty, employers notified, goodbye dinners sprinkled throughout. Their last day in New York, early in the morning, they are double checking their luggage, waiting for the realtor to come by and get the keys. Elliot walks through the rooms silently, picturing the ghosts of the people who have walked the halls of their home, hearing the giggles of his children, smiling at the scratches on the ceiling from the Christmas tree whose height he had severely misjudged, running his palm along the scarred dining room table. Kathy comes up behind him, wrapping her arms around him.
“You ok?” she asks
He tries to keep the sadness from his voice, “Just...taking it all in.”
His phone vibrates in his pocket and he pulls it out to read the screen. Olivia.
He stares down at the screen a long while. All he wants to do is answer, but he knows, if he does, he’ll never get on that plane.
Kathy sighs against him, “We can’t take her with us, Elliot,” she says quietly.
“Mmm,” he hums in agreement.
“But you should go say goodbye to her,” Kathy says, and turns him to look at her, “Go. Say goodbye.”
Elliot leans down and kisses her softly, “I’ll be back.”
Kathy smiles up at him, then watches him walk out the door.
***
Elliot walks into the 16th precinct through the back door, up the stairs. He avoids the lobby, the elevator. He doesn’t want to talk. He doesn’t want to be seen. He makes his way down the hall and he sees her. Hair pulled back, eyes tired and sad. She’s at his desk, delicately putting each of his items into a box. He watches her from a distance. He sees the pain on her face, pain that he has caused her, and his heart is breaking. So what now? He goes up to her, tells her he’s sorry, but he’s moving half way across the world and won’t see her again? He wonders if saying goodbye to her now would be more for himself than for her. Let her think he’s an asshole, let her think that he left without thinking about her. Because in this moment, if he walks up to her, if he says goodbye, he knows what words will follow.
I love you, Liv.
And that would make everything worse.
She picks up the framed photo of himself and Eli. He watches her stroke it with her thumb, sees the sparkle of tears in her eyes as she carefully places it in the box. He knows then, without a doubt, that this is the worst thing he has ever done. In trying to save his family, he has hurt the one person in the world he knows would never hurt him.
There’s a pressure behind his eyes and he bites his lip to hold off the tears. He takes her in, desperate to commit every inch of her to memory. “Bye, Liv,” he whispers to himself, then turns and heads back down the stairs.
***
Hours later, Elliot sits on a plane, Eli already asleep in the seat between him and his wife. He looks down at his boy, so young, so much life ahead of him. Elliot cannot wait to see who he grows up to be, what adventures lie ahead of him. Kathy watches Elliot, and smiles. Their eyes meet over their son, he extends his hand to her, and she slips her fingers into his as the plane takes off. Elliot turns his head and watches the city shrink out of the window, smaller and smaller every second, the space between him and Olivia growing until it all becomes a blur. It’s not until hours later, when the plane is dark and quiet, his wife and son sleeping soundly next to him, that he finally allows himself a few moments to grieve her. He lets his tears fall freely, silently. He conjures up an image of her face, happy, smiling. Holding on to it tightly, he drifts off into a dreamless sleep.