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Love. The word weighed heavy on his tongue as he tested it out again. He rotated the word in his mouth as if he could at least understand the taste if he did the strange movement. It was such a simple word, something even children understood at an early age, and yet—
The word was always difficult. Some days it would feel foreign. But in a split moment, it could feel so natural, like his own name. It would be tasteless like air and then it would be sweeter than any dream. The word felt like a weight that would be his downfall, but it also felt like freedom, like he was finally able to breathe again.
Xiao was not some heartless foolish man that never had love. That would be overdramatic and untrue. He knew he had love before in his life, now whether it was deserved, that was another question.
Even if he could barely recall them, he knew he had parents that loved him. They must have, otherwise how else could he have survived this long. He could not remember their faces or their names but he could still feel their phantom touch everywhere. Pieces of them lingering behind, as if they were haunting him.
Sometimes when he was asleep, he feel a breeze move his hair, so gently it almost felt like someone brushing his hair away. On other nights he would have nightmares so suffocating as he heard the quiet sobs of a woman, apologizing for making him suffer so. When he was out fighting, he’d feel something like a steady hand on his polearm, helping him deliver his final blow.
Did his parents know the burden that he would bear? And if they did know—would that have changed anything? Would they have change the path he would have led? Would he still be alive now? He wondered what his parents thought of their son becoming a slave to some power-hungry god. He wondered if they were disappointed in him or if they simply pitied him. Did they love him despite knowing the sins he had committed? Could they still love him simply because he was their son, a son that barely remembers them?
As he stared into his reflection, he was sure he had his mother's eyes, his father’s mouth, a perfect mix of their features. But then again, maybe that was just wishful thinking. For his mind was too scrambled and tormented, how could he recall faces and voices that have long since left his side?
He had the love of his fellow yakshas. His comrades. His friends. Even if they lost their will and way, for a time, they were able to lean on one another. To share in the pain that only they knew and felt. They were able to laugh once upon a time, in between the battles, in between the bloodstained nights that haunted them—they were happy once.
They were not alone in this world as long as they had each other. When he had them, he had someone to watch his back. He had someone who would help him whenever everything was too much. When he had them, he had someone that he could lean on and take off his mask. Tired as he was covered in blood so heavy he could feel the weight on his bones, but there was a moment of relief when knew that at least he wasn’t alone.
But that was a time when he was the youngest among them, and now he was the last.
As Xiao sat at the empty table that once seated them all, barely being able to remember their voices, their faces, he sighed. He did not blame them, how could he when he knew the pain they went through. He did not pity them, for they deserved more than his pity. He had loved them. He had grieved them. He remembered them. For that was all he could do for them, to quietly remember their names, their faces, their smiles, their last moments.
Xiao has thought that would be the last time he would open up his heart again. To allow anyone to get too close to him. It would be better for them, safer for them, it was what a kind guardian would do. He told himself over and over again.
But really, it was for him, wasn’t it?
He was shielding himself from the future pain that he would suffer at their loss. He was afraid to let anyone get too close for if they do—They’d end up leaving him alone with a hole in his chest and memories that would fade but linger on him like scars.
And he didn’t know how much longer he could take before the madness of living too long, from being tainted by too much blood, would take him as well. It was only a matter of time until he would meet his end. It was best not to make too many attachments, whether they be mortals with short lives or gods with an eternity—it was too dangerous for him to love anyone.
His gaze moved from the harbor to the bright full moon above him. The moon who never judged, the moon that lit his way as he purged the world from the demons that hid in the shadows. The moon was his longest companion, his most honest friend, his quiet lover. The moon did not look at him and wince at the blood and the karmic sins that made it’s home in his body. As long as the moon was in the night sky, he knew he was never alone.
Was this love? He wondered in his darkest days as he rummaged for something to eat, enslaved by gods that made him do their cruel bidding. Was this what love felt like? To not feel lonely, to find comfort in the gentle warmth, to feel peace after a long dark night.
As he sat on the rooftop of the Inn, his amber eyes slowly closing. He wondered if this was the closest he would get to love at this point in his life. To love the moon even if he knew that she could not love him back. Perhaps this was enough for him, perhaps this was all he deserved in the end. To Love, to be loved, those were all things that were better suited for those that were not stained by blood. Better suited for those more deserving of such a pure and wonderful feeling. He did not need to be loved, he did not need to be revered, he did not need anything.
He just needed the moon and her gentle comfort. The moon would watch over him. The moon would not leave his side. The moon was enough.
At least that’s what he thought. But how was he supposed to predict that she would enter his life and change everything?
When he first saw her, all he saw was how bright her eyes were. Sparkling like starlight, her golden hair softly blowing with the breeze as the scent of flowers surrounded her.
She is a small light thing. He thought as he held her in his arms. Xiao jumped through the rubble with ease yet his grip on the traveler tightened. When they landed back onto the jade palace, he turned his gaze towards her. A few scratches and bruises from the battle, but nothing too alarming. He still did not let her go as he slowly gave her hand a soft squeeze. “Be careful.” His voice was gentle and his amber eyes softening as she gave him a weak smile.
Her eyes held gratefulness and he didn’t know if he deserved it. His hands did not leave her as they listened to the next plan of action. He caught the gaze of the other adeptus but he ignored them. Maybe he truly believed that he couldn’t let her go just yet, not until she found her footing, or maybe he didn’t want to let her go. The warmth of the hand that he held—it was nice.
But he did for they had a mission to complete. Putting the heavy mask back onto his face, he gazed at her through the holes, watching her movements quietly. If there was any sign that she needed his help, that he needed to get closer, he would be by her side in a flash.
Perhaps it was not love at that moment, but it was concern. She worried him, the way she easily did what she was asked. She had no ties to Liyue but she was willing to risk her life for it. A strange, reckless, selfless girl that he couldn’t help but wish to not be harmed.
Perhaps that was why he had told her that if she needed his help, that all she needed to do was call his name. So, when he heard her voice in the wind, calling out his name, he had moved and vanished to get to her side. Quickly catching her from falling as soon as he saw her stumbling over the edge. Griping her side, he put his arms under her legs before picking her up back up into his arms. He looks down to see her slightly surprised expression before he vanished and brought them to a safe place away from the crumbling domain.
“Thank you,” Lumine whispered softly, so close to his neck that it brought a shiver down his spine. Not unpleasant. “You….you really came…”Her voice was breathless as he set her down to sit down on the log.
“You called my name.” His answer was simple. He had told her that if she ever needed him, no matter the task, that all she needed to do was call his name. His amber eyes checked her for any injuries, his brow furrowing as he let his hand lightly trail down her arm to check the other side. “I keep my word.”
She hummed in response and her eyes fluttered as they closed. He watched her carefully before his fingers reached out to move a stray hair away from her face. It was when the pads of his fingers grazed her skin did she open her eyes slowly and smile at him. The soft glow of the sun making her eyes shine brighter as they looked up at him.
Lovely. He thought as he tucked the piece of hair behind her ear. Her mouth opened before closing into a smile as she set her head against his shoulder.
“Xiao…”Her voice was soft almost like she was whispering a prayer rather than saying his name. His eyes widened when he saw her slowly lean forward before pressing her forehead against his shoulder. “Can we stay like this just for a while? I’m so tired…”
He let his hand drop to his side before pushing her shoulders. She had a pout on her lips as he pushed her away, but he quietly moved to her side and then lightly tapped his shoulder. “If you want to rest, this will be more comfortable for you.”
A small smile appeared on her lips before she slowly let her head fall against his shoulder, her fingers sitting on top of her dress. “I’m not a bother? I’m not wasting your time? I’m not keeping you from something…right?”
He felt a small smile tug at his lips. If she was a bother, he wouldn't have told her to call out his name whenever she needed help If she was a waste of his time, he wouldn't have come. If there was anywhere he’d rather be—he didn’t know where that would be.
He lowered his gaze to see her peaceful expression, the way she twiddled her thumbs nervously. “Do not worry and rest. I have enough time.”
She gazed at him softly from across the table, her chin in the palm of her hand. He lowered his spoon and then looked at the half eaten dish in front of her. “Is the food not to your liking?”
“No. It’s good. I just…”A dusting of pink across her cheeks as she lowered her gaze and smiled. “I like to watch you eat.” She poked at the almond tofu on her plate. “It makes me really happy when you enjoy the food I make.”
There was a shy smile on her lips, one that curved slightly, a dusting of pink on her cheeks. A quiet peacefulness as they shared a meal together, one that had become a regular occurrence. He often found himself looking forward to when she’d appear at the Inn, asking if he had a meal and if he didn’t if he could share one with her.
He never had anyone he waited to eat with. He never had anyone that cared about if or what he ate. He never had anyone that would come looking for him just to share a meal with and was simply happy to watch him eat. He never had anyone who tried to cook him new dishes but also make his favorite ones at that.
Xiao never had anyone like her before.
“It’s not something people are normally so happy about.” He said as he brought the spoon to his mouth and tasted the sweet Almond Tofu. She always made it delicious, smooth and silky on his tongue as the sweet taste coated his tongue. She also made sure it wasn't cloyingly sweet.
“Maybe it’s because I love you.”
The sound of the spoon falling against the plate cut through the silence. His amber eyes widened as his jaw dropped in surprise. The shy expression on her face was quickly replaced with a larger smile. “Why are you so surprised?” She teased now leaning in as her eyes sparkled with playfulness. The shift in her demeanor as if she caught him in a trap.
“Do you…You just…”He closed his mouth as he tried to process her words. “Are you joking?”
“I’d never joke about my feelings like that.” She said quickly before lifting her spoon to take another bite of the dish she prepared for them. “But if it takes you some time to process it…then I suppose…I’ll just have to keep confessing to you until you believe me.”
“You…You shouldn’t have…I’m not…” He still didn’t know how to process her statement. Love. She loved him. The traveler from the stars, the one with the untold abilities, the one that smiled at him first. She, who called out his name so sweetly, he wondered if it was actually the same name that was once cursed as demons took their last breath. She said she loved him, no love. Present tense, currently, as of this moment, she loved him.
“I love you, Xiao.”
His heart skipped a beat and his throat felt dry as he swallowed. He clenched his fist and then unclenched it. Her sweet confession lingering in the air and then he felt a warm hand on top of his and he looked up to see her gentle golden eyes staring at him lovingly.
“I love you and I think you love me too.” She let her fingers trace the back of his hand. Lightly, gently touching him, as if he was something precious. A gesture he showed her when he moved a piece of her hair or wiped something off the corner of her lip. “But if it takes some time to process…I understand…and I’m willing to wait. As you know...I’m quite patient and I am more than happy to say that I love you until you understand that I’m saying those words to you and what they mean.”
“Lumine.” He lowered his gaze to see her holding his hand tightly in hers. There were so many things that he wanted to say, on the tip of his tongue. Numerous warnings, to be wary of him, to not be so foolish, to think about what she was saying. Warnings that he was a cursed man, a man that had too much weight on his shoulder, burdens that he could not share. That he was not someone who would be easy to love. That despite how he felt, she deserved better. She deserved someone without the sins that weighed him down. She deserved someone who would give her a happier life. That she deserved more than he could—
“Xiao.” Her voice called out to him gently before she raised their linked hands and smiled at him. “I love you.” She said it again and his heart skipped again. The smile on her lips was sweet as she tilted her head to the side slightly before giving his hand a squeeze. “After dinner, can we take a walk together?”
His lips curved slightly before he nodded. “Yes. That sounds nice.”
As he came down from his place on top of the tree, he was greeted by a small smile. Her gaze was warm as he reached out towards her face. She did not flinch away, she was not frozen in place due to a fear of him, no she stayed still in front of him because that’s where she wanted to be. She wanted to be with him. Strange girl. He thought warmly before he plucked a leaf out of her hair and then lightly tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear.
“Good morning to you too, Xiao.” She giggled brightly and he still didn’t know what he could have done to deserve such a sweet expression. Her golden eyes sparkled with joy as she stared up at him, his fingers lingering as he traced across her cheek, soft and gentle. His touch was delicate and light as he felt the warmth of her skin against his fingertips. A warmth that only she could give him.
It was still quite early, the morning sun lifting behind her and making her almost glow. Perhaps it was these moments that he enjoyed most with her. Moments where the silence was not deafening. Moments that one would normally call mundane or boring, and yet felt so precious. Perhaps it was because the pain seemed to numb and be unnoticeable when he was with her. Perhaps it was because of the way she looked at him as if there was no other place she’d rather be than here.
Was this not a luxury? To be able to stand with her, as the birds chirped and the sun slowly rose to awaken the flowers to bloom around them. To be able to enjoy this peaceful morning with her, as his amber eyes never left the blonde traveler. Whose smile seemed to melt away the pain and weight that usually sat on his shoulders as her golden eyes twinkled brightly.
He lightly cupped her cheek and rubbed it with the pad of his thumb. “It’s early. You should have slept more. You should have slept more…” She hummed in response and he took a step to the right to block out the sun from her eyes. Her expression shifted from bright to soft as she gazed up at him.
“I love it when you do that.” She said softly as she closed her eyes and leaned into his hand.
“Do what?”
“The most simple gestures of love.” His thumb froze for a moment before he took a step towards her, his forehead touching the top of her head. “When you touch me like this..when you look at me like that…when you worry over me…I can feel it.”
“Is that what this is?” He asked quietly and then felt her hand lightly wrap itself around his wrist. She called these gestures of love, but they just felt so natural for him. His fingers tingled whenever she was near, the urge to touch her, even if it was just a strand of her hair—it felt like breathing. Something he didn’t have to think about, something that came so naturally, that he did it almost unknowingly.
She said that she knew that he loved her. Was this how? Were the light grazes, the stolen glances, the gentle way he held her, was this enough? He had heard whispers from around the Inn about grand gestures of love, of poets stringing together words to convey the feelings that almost burst out of them, of songs played to show one’s affections. He wasn’t quite confident he could do those things even if he wanted to.
“I can feel it in your hands.” Her voice was barely above a whisper like she was telling him a secret. “I can see it in your eyes as you look at me. I can hear it in your voice when you speak to me.”
You make it easy to love you. He wanted to say but the words got caught in the back of his throat. He sighed slightly and she softly giggled before placing her hand against his cheek.
“Don’t push yourself. It’s okay to take your time. Like I said…These small gestures of love…They speak louder than words. They are not empty, they are full and—”She leaned into press her lips against the corner of his. “I can wait.”
Sometimes when he looked at her, it felt as if he had been waiting to meet her his entire life. As if every step, every breath, every time he wondered why he was still alive when everyone else was gone—it was all because he had to meet her. He had to meet her and fall in love with her. The bond between them felt long and eternal—it felt like nothing he had ever felt before.
Perhaps it was destiny for them to be here at that moment, under the canopy of the great tree, laying in the grass, not doing anything but enjoying each other’s company. As she lazily played with his hair, the light taps of her fingers soothing and warm, he felt his eyes slowly close and enjoy this reality that seemed too good to be true.
Even if he never said the word, he knew that it belonged to her. The word soon became synonymous with her name. Lumine. A beautiful name that perfectly encapsulated the woman who was so bright, so blinding, that it broke through the fog and darkness that surrounded his life. She was the very definition of a word that he once feared.
She became someone he could not resist spending time with. Even more than that, she became someone he sought out, someone he searched for, someone he longed to be with. His day soon felt incomplete without her, even if it was just a single greeting.
She became someone he wished would stay by his side.
And maybe that was why he was afraid of saying that single word. Maybe it was because he was afraid to voice his almost infinite affection, his growing feelings, his heart for her. For would she not leave as everyone else did? Would this perfect dream not end once he told her how he felt? Would she not be taken away from him? Was she not a traveler that would one day leave this place?
The scar she would leave, the gaping hole that would be a reminder of her presence in his life, he wouldn’t survive it. It would be too much to bear, it would destroy him. He knew that so well and yet as she looked at him, with one hand pressed up against his chest, the other lightly combing through his hair, he didn’t care.
“I love you.” He said breathlessly as his eyes opened slowly. Almost wanting to scowl at how weak it sounded. And yet he knew if he could rewind the clock it would sound the same. For he loved her so much that it almost took his breath away. To know that someone like her existed. He wanted to say it, for the word belonged to her. There was no one else that he would rather say those words to.
He must have loved her long before he knew that he did. He must have loved her his entire life for what else could possibly explain this overwhelming yet welcomed feeling of wanting to love and be loved.
It almost felt impossible to love someone like this. To give someone the ability to hold his heart, his soul, and do as she wished. If he was afraid of love, it was replaced by a fear of not being able to say this to her instead. The pain that she would leave him would be unbearable but he did not want to keep her waiting. He did not want to spend another day without saying these words that he longed to say. The words that she deserved to hear.
For she was perfectly made to be loved. Her warmth, her kindness, her strength, her determination, her smile, her voice, her eyes—there was no part of her that he did not love. No, there was no part of her that he could not love.
There was a beat of silence as her golden eyes widened, her cheeks flushing a soft red as her jaw dropped slightly. She blinked a few more times before she pressed a hand to his cheek. “Say it again.”
He smiled warmly. He smiled easily. He smiled because of her.
“I love you.” He said again with a bit more strength as he put a hand on the back of her head and captured her lips. She gasped into the kiss, before she returned his affection. He could get drunk off her lips and never grow tired of the taste. She giggled and wrapped her arms around his neck, and he held her tightly in his arms.
“Again.” She whispered against his lips and he smiled.
Greedy girl.
But was he really complaining? She deserved to hear these words and he had to make up for all the times he did not say it. She may have said his gestures, his actions were enough, but this felt different. Being able to say that he loved her, it felt like the last piece of the puzzle to seal his fate to her. The final tie that would make their bond unbreakable. A vow that he intended to protect and keep for the rest of his life.
For he loved her and that was the undeniable truth.
“I love you.” He muttered against her lips. And as he said those words he once feared, words he once thought did not belong to him, soon they easily fell from his lips. They tasted sweet as he kissed her, feeling the smile, the happiness the words brought her. This was what he wanted, to be able to make her smile and know she was loved. The words that once felt foreign finally found it's home as he said them to her. The words felt easy, the words felt sweet, the words felt right as he said it to her. “I love you, Lumine.”
This was a normal occurrence, he would only fall asleep after she did and would be the first to wake up. Perhaps it was because no matter how sweet his dreams had become lately, they were nothing compared to her. His amber eyes looked down to see the blonde woman continued to slumber peacefully in his arms.
The peaceful expression she had as she slept beside him, her head laying on top of one of his arms, as his other arm protectively around her waist as he pulled her in closer. She sighed in his arms and he pressed his nose into the top of her head. Inhaling the light and sweet scent that was distinctively hers.
Xiao gently moved a piece of her hair away from her face, smiling softly at the way she wiggled her nose at the touch before she buried her face into his chest. He always found the quiet mornings to be the most peaceful time of the day. When the sunbeams would shine through his curtains, gently to the birds that sang that it was a new day. And he felt that way even more so as he woke with Lumine in his arms.
He should wake her up, she’ll be upset if she slept in for too long. She was a traveler that always seemed to keep herself busy with far too many tasks for his liking. But as the sunbeams lightly touched her soft skin, he couldn’t help but want to be a bit more selfish. He wanted to keep her with him just for a moment longer. To stare and try to memorize her lovely face, to burn the sight of peacefully sleeping in his mind.
Eyes fluttering open slowly, she stared up at him with sleep in her eyes and gave him a soft smile. “Good morning.” She whispered and rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand. And before she could even move out of his arms, he captured her chin with his hand and tilted her head back. “Xiao?”
There was a light in his amber eyes as he gazed down at her. His thumb slowly moved from her chin to her bottom lip. “I think you forgot something.” His tone was gentle as he rubbed her soft lips with the pad of his thumb.
Her brows knitted in confusion before her eyes widened with realization. Laughing softly behind her hand, she moved up in the bed slightly to press her lips against his. Both of them smiling as their lips joined before she moved so that she could be on top of him, the blanket lightly falling off her shoulder. “I love you, Xiao.” She said before she lowered her head to kiss his lips once more.
“And I love you, Lumine.”