Work Text:
“Where should I use this one?”
“There.”
Connor pointed to a spot on Zoe’s color sheet, and she started coloring in a flower petal blue. It was the November of ninth grade. For Connor, anyway. For Zoe, she was in eighth.
They were both at the kitchen table, drawing onto some pads of coloring paper their mom bought them both. Dad was getting home in a few minutes, and they were going to have the dinner Mom was currently making (which was chicken parmesan).
Connor and Zoe got along. Yeah, the two actually loved each other as siblings. Zoe looked up to him. Connor was amazing at science and helped her in her classes whenever she needed it. She was really smart herself, though. If anything, he was just a bonus-credit question solver.
“This actually looks pretty.” Zoe held up her coloring sheet, trying to get the perfect lighting on the image.
Connor shrugged, “You could draw a better outline than the pre-made one.”
His flower had red petals, but other than that, they were practically identical. Connor added some shading to his sky though, something Zoe didn’t do. He always liked art, but he wasn’t sure if he should pursue it. He never had the courage to enter competitions or anything.
“I bet you could,” Zoe said, looking at his drawing. “You have the shading and everything.”
“I’ll teach you someday.”
Zoe scoffed, “I don’t think you’ll hold that promise.”
Connor just smiled, “You never know.”
It was shocking how fast things could change.
+=+=+
He swore it was just marijuana.
It was a late night. He went over to a friend’s house, and that friend had a bit of the drug lying around. He tried it, and that’s that.
Connor owned up to it, he said that he shouldn’t have taken the drug. Mom understood. Dad wanted a lot more punishment out of the action, so to satisfy him, Mom asked Connor who gave it to him.
Connor said he wouldn’t give away his last name, but his name was Jared. Jared swore to stop too, he just had a really hard week, enough to get him expelled from school.
Communication with Jared was forbidden. Connor (again) understood.
Zoe went to his room, asking him if he was okay after the entire thing. He replied, “It’s fine. I’m fine. Jared wasn’t going to be around anymore, anyway. He hasn’t talked to me in days.”
“I have a close friend, she’s Alana. Your age,” Zoe said, “Maybe you could hang out with us on Saturday?”
Connor shook his head, “Really, Zo, I’m okay. It was just a little weed.”
“Yeah…” Zoe frowned, “But what if it turns into more than that?”
“It won’t. I won’t have it again.”
Zoe nodded, though Connor could tell it was hesitant. “Okay…”
“Hey, look at me.”
Zoe did.
“I can tell you’re worried.”
Zoe crossed her arms, “It’s kind of hard not to be.”
“I’ll always love you, Zoe. As a sister, obviously. But yeah,” Connor said, “Nothing will change that, okay?”
A pause.
“Okay.”
+=+=+
More marijuana. It was still ninth grade, but now, it was almost the end of the year. The principal managed to get Connor through to the end of the school year, but once ninth grade was over, he was forced to be sent to another school. After all, everyone at school knew he smoked weed.
“Connor, you’re getting sent to rehab.” Larry was sick of this. He wanted to cure the problem before it started.
“Bullshit.” Connor glared at him from the backseat of the car. Zoe was next to him, obviously uncomfortable. “I don’t need rehab!”
It was clear he was high. Zoe backed up to her window, glancing outside. Just keep looking out, and nothing in here can hurt you. Deep breaths, Zoe.
“Yes, you do! And that’s final,” Larry said, “I don’t need my son getting addicted to any other type of drug.”
“I’m not addicted!” Connor’s fists clenched up, “I got high maybe five times. That’s it!”
“Liar,” Zoe mumbled.
Connor’s gaze switched to her, “I’m not lying!”
That was enough to make Zoe shut up for the rest of the car ride.
“I agree he needs help, but I’m not sure if rehab is the right way to go, honey.” Cynthia glanced at Larry, “It’s too early.”
“And what if it ricochets?” Larry asked, keeping his eyes on the road.
“Oh my fucking god, it’s not going to ricochet!” Connor yelled. The entire car went silent. That’s the first time anyone in their family ever heard Connor yell a cuss word. He scoffed, “What? Am I a disgrace?”
Cynthia shook her head, “No, Connor, you’re not a disgrace.”
“Then stop treating me like it.”
He was kicked out of school— sent to a program to help distract him during the summer. The Murphy’s thought Connor was sober all summer. Either he was, or he was getting better at hiding it.
+=+=+
A year passed.
Connor was definitely still using, but Zoe, Cynthia, and Larry weren’t aware. He mostly took hits with Miguel, a friend he met in the all-boys school he moved into. Connor hadn’t made an effort to stop, and he didn’t think he would.
Everything flipped February 12th. Miguel got caught with weed on him. Connor took the blame.
Larry and Cynthia wanted to defend Connor. He could tell they wanted to desperately believe he was still sober. He had been since last year. There was no way he fell down this path again.
Long story short, he got sent to rehab.
Rehab only taught him even more ways to use drugs. How to get them, where to get them, how much… It was easy when your family was rich. They wouldn’t realize some of their money went away, let alone to drugs.
Connor spoke with Miguel less. The longer he was apart from him, the more drugs he bought. He used at night, usually away from the house, but it was never obvious where exactly he used anymore. He was getting better at hiding it.
+=+=+
“Mom?” Zoe asked, “Where’s Connor?” It was late at night, and ever since Connor went out to a friend’s house, he still hadn’t come back. “He told me we’d work on this thing…”
Cynthia shrugged, “I’m not sure, Zoe.”
Zoe brushed it off, trying to think of something else to talk about, but she came up empty. She scoffed, “You think he went to Jared’s?”
“There is no way he’d go to Jared’s, Zoe,” Cynthia said, “He’ll be back soon.”
“Jared isn’t even a user anymore, is he?” Larry asked from the couch.
Zoe faced away from the kitchen where Cynthia was and over towards the living room, “Nope. He goes to my school. He’s friends with this guy named Evan, I think? If he was a user to begin with, which I don’t think he was, he recovered really well.” She got herself a glass of water, “Jared still seems insecure, but not to the point where he’s smoking weed every week. I think he tried it out for the first time with Connor like he said.”
He didn’t come home for a day.
An entire day.
And then another day, and another, and another…
Cynthia started to get reckless. It was almost like she was dependent on Connor. She couldn’t function properly. She kept hopping back and forth from the telephone to her computer in hopes of some type of message from Connor.
Larry kept himself together more. He was trying to not get obsessed looking for him, but Zoe could tell he was worried too.
She was scared. Zoe just wanted to see her brother again. She was in ninth grade, he was in tenth. They took the same math class now. Same period and everything, but he was never there.
She tried to think nothing was wrong, but she knew everything was wrong. Nobody disappears for four and a half days without something happening.
Kidnapped? Doubtful. Relapsed? Strong possibility. Introduced to more drugs? Stronger possibility.
Zoe went over to her phone in her room, hoping for a text from Connor or something. There was nothing. It was always absolutely nothing.
The Murphy family was dysfunctional. They needed to hear something from Connor.
Where did he go?
+=+=+
“Zo.” Connor’s voice was muffled and weak from the other side of her phone. It sounded like he was hurt, like he was barely managing to say anything. “Zo, get Mom and find me. I’m at- I’m at 55th and Park—“
“Connor?” Zoe was shocked that he called in the first place, “Connor, stay with me on the line, okay?”
“M’ sorry.”
“I’ll get Mom, hold on.” Zoe ran out of her room, finding her asleep on the sofa. Dad was still awake, and as much as she knew he preferred Mom, she needed to sleep. She hadn’t slept since he left. “There’s only Dad awake, Connor.”
“You can’t just wake her up?” Connor sounded irritated.
Zoe wasn’t afraid to sound angry, too. “No. She hadn’t slept since you left for no reason. Don’t be pissed.”
Connor groaned out of annoyance. Zoe rolled her eyes and got Dad. The two of them drove out to where Connor said he was, and that’s when they found him.
He was lying on the sidewalk. There were bruises on his face, clearly from punches. Connor had heavy eye-bags, and he looked pale. All-in-all, he was a disaster.
“What were you thinking?” Larry got out of the car, picking up his practically shaking son and putting him in the backseat. Zoe stayed in the front, but that didn’t stop her from looking at Connor. He didn’t even resemble himself.
“What do you think I was thinking?” Connor obviously didn’t want to have this conversation.
“You could’ve passed out!” Larry yelled, “What's your problem? You can’t put away a drug?!”
Connor would’ve jumped out of his seat if it wasn’t for his seatbelt. “Shut the fuck up!”
“We’ve been worried sick!”
“I said, shut the fuck up!”
“This is more than just a little weed, Connor!”
“I’ve been snorting crystal!” Connor snapped, “Are you happy now?!”
Zoe closed her eyes, leaning against the glass. She didn’t want to be here. She couldn’t be here. Her brother was gone.
“You’re going to rehab!”
“Bullshit!”
“You’re going, and that is final!”
“Fuck you!”
“You will speak to me with respect!”
“My apologies, ma’am.” Connor rolled his eyes, purposely misgendering him, “Fuck you!”
+=+=+
It wasn’t a surprise to Zoe when he ran away from rehab.
It was a bigger surprise when he ended up in the hospital for an overdose.
Surprisingly, it was Jared who found him. Guess that came around full-circle. He called 911. Gave the doctors his name. Jared even rode with him to the hospital and stayed until Zoe and Mom showed up. It was pretty nice of him, but Jared took off soon after they showed up. He couldn’t miss too much school.
Connor was asleep for hours. Mom offered to take Zoe to school the next morning if she wanted to stay. Dad wanted Mom back at the house. Zoe took her up on it. After everything Connor had done, he was still her brother. She was sticking beside him. She wouldn’t leave him alone.
Mom understood and left the room. Zoe could tell it pained her to leave Connor in this state, but if Dad wanted her back, Dad wanted her back, and that was final. Chances are they’d get into another fight anyways, and Zoe didn’t want to hear that.
“Hey,” Zoe whispered to the asleep body next to her, “You’re really lucky. If Jared hadn’t called that early, you probably wouldn’t have made it.” She kept her hands on her legs, trying to keep her breathing even. “I thought it couldn’t get any worse. You told me you’d stop. I don’t know why I believed you…”
She shook her head, deciding not to talk anymore. Instead, she placed her arms on Connor’s chest and rested her head onto them, closing her eyes. Falling asleep next to Connor breathing was comforting. Even though he was in a hospital room, she knew where he was. He was safe here. The second Connor left? Who knows.
She drifted off.
The next morning, when she opened her eyes, she was met with a laugh. “Look who finally woke up.”
Zoe’s eyes blinked open, and when she heard the familiar voice, she backed up into her chair, looking up at him. “Connor?”
“The one and only.”
“You- how long were you up?”
Connor shrugged, “Not too long.”
“Okay.” That was probably supposed to make Zoe feel better, but it was still just as awkward. “Anyways, uh- you have a lot to explain.”
“Can we not talk about it?” Connor asked, “Let things be normal?”
“It could’ve been normal if you didn’t run away.” Zoe crossed her arms, “So no.”
Connor gave up, “Who called the ambulance?”
“Jared.”
Connor was shocked, “Jared? Jared Kleinman?”
“Yep.” Zoe nodded, “Found you in a park. Apparently one of Jared’s moms’ friends owns the park.”
“Really?”
“Yep.”
“I’m so glad he’s not in this shit,” Connor mumbled, placing his hands over his face.
Zoe frowned, “I’m glad Jared’s moms don’t need to worry about him as much as we worried about you.”
“You worried about me?”
Zoe scoffed, “Sadly.” She turned serious after, “No, but actually. Mom didn’t sleep. Dad was trying to ignore his worry, but it was still there, and I didn’t know what to do.”
“You guys were dysfunctional?”
“That’s one way of putting it,” Zoe said quietly, “Connor, you can’t keep doing this to yourself.”
“If I don’t, I’m just met with even more pain,” Connor replied, “I’ve been doing this for months, Zo.”
“You were bruised. Your rib was broken.” Her voice shook, “Connor, if you don’t try to fix yourself, you’re going to get hurt so much more. That drug isn’t helping you.”
“It is.”
“It’s not.”
“You don’t know how it feels, Zo.”
Zoe frowned, “I know I don’t. But I do know you have a family, and we want you to come home.”
“I can’t…”
“Why not?” Zoe slowly became frustrated. “Do you not love us anymore? Were we not good enough for you?”
“No, I- you were- I wasn’t good enough for you.”
“Oh really?” Zoe stood up from her chair, “So why is it that when you run away, everyone’s panicking, but when I run away, nobody even notices?”
“You ran away?”
“You could’ve died!” Zoe yelled, ignoring the explanation of how she ran away and when. “Connor, you can’t die on me!”
“Zo-“
“Please.” Her voice cracked, and she hated it for that. “Don’t do this to yourself. You can still bounce back, Connor. You have time.”
Connor hesitated, but then he nodded, “Okay. Okay, I’ll try. I’ll try.”
+=+=+
Rehab actually went well.
Connor didn’t run away, and when he called home on the phone, he actually sounded excited about it. He met a guy named Michael who was forced to go for a month when his moms learned he was smoking weed. Connor managed to convince him and give him the motivation of why he should never go down the path Connor took. Michael had a best friend named Jeremy. They had been friends since kindergarten. That alone was a reason why someone like Michael should never end up here for anything worse.
Patients at rehab said Connor had a chance to make it. To be good, that he was too innocent for all of this. He hoped that was the case.
Eventually, he came home. Zoe, Cynthia, and Larry were all super excited to see him again. He was sober, that was clear. Connor actually helped Cynthia in the kitchen. He said ‘I love you’, and he apologized to Larry.
Once it was bedtime, Zoe and Connor walked upstairs to their rooms. Zoe tried to sleep, but she couldn’t. She walked over to Connor’s room, knocking on the door. “Can I come in?”
Connor was obviously still awake since he answered pretty quickly, “Yeah.”
Zoe walked in, seeing his room looking like a mess. She scoffed, “Even when sober you can’t pick this trash dump up?”
“Nope.”
Zoe walked over to his bed, sitting down on the edge of it. “Part of me never thought I’d see you again.” Connor opened his mouth to speak, but Zoe shook her head. “I’m not done yet.”
“Okay?”
“My point is,” Zoe said, “I don’t ever want to be put in a situation like that again.”
“Zo, I can’t-“
“You can't do what? Promise it?” Zoe asked, “I know that. I’ve been researching meth ever since you said you were snorting it.”
“And your conclusion is..?”
“It’s close to impossible for people on meth to stop using. You’re lucky if you make it to twenty-one.” Zoe looked at the ground, “Relapsing is a part of recovery, though if the relapse lasts for too long, the entire process can start all over again.”
Connor didn’t even know that. “Oh.”
“I’m asking for a note.” Zoe glanced at him, “I don’t care if you go. Well, I do, but I’m asking you to leave me a note, it doesn't need to be for Mom and Dad, I won’t tell them. But leave me something, and just- please, come back.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“It’s not that easy to have my entire family codependent on you, either.” Zoe got up from the bed, “I just want you to be okay. But if you don’t do that for yourself, then I can’t do anything to help you, Connor.”
Connor got up from his bed too, “I never asked you to help.”
“I’m your sister.” Zoe glared at him, “Do you expect me to leave you?”
“No, but I’m-“
Zoe interrupted him, “You’re glad I care?”
Connor wrapped his arms around her, hugging her in the middle of his room. “I’m glad you’re this strong.”
“I don’t think I wouldn’t be,” Zoe said quietly, hesitating before hugging him back. A couple moments passed before Zoe finally pulled away. “…can you teach me how to shade colors now?”
+=+=+
It was okay. Okay until junior year ended, that is.
Connor’s been meeting a guy named Miguel. The guy he first went to rehab for, took the blame for. They were starting to get a connection. At least, that’s what Connor felt like it was. However, once Miguel almost saw a part of Connor he couldn’t even fathom, he ran off. He cut communication. Miguel cut communication after Connor did. He ran all the way back to his house, and the first thing he did was relapse.
It was bad.
It was a really bad summer.
Zoe walked into his room, expecting to see the normal Connor she believed so much in, but when she entered the room, it was only this ghost of a person she used to know.
“What the fuck are you doing in here?”
“What?”
“Get out of here!”
“Connor, I told you to-!”
“Told me what?!” Connor yelled, “Why do you and Cynthia and Larry always order me around?!”
Zoe yelled back, “Why do you become this much of a bitch under a drug?!”
“Why do you always think you know what’s best?”
“Why do you rely on this?”
“Why do you think you’re better?”
“Why do you think you’re not?”
“Why haven’t you left my fucking room!” Connor’s fists clenched up, rising from his chair. “Get away from me!”
“No!”
“I said, get away!” Connor took his hand and slapped it across Zoe’s cheek.
It stung. It stung so much. She felt tears form in her eyes, backing away from her brother. “I’m telling Mom and Dad.”
“Don’t you fucking dare.”
“I’m telling them!”
Zoe ran out of the room. She heard Connor chase after her, obviously pissed. Instead of going downstairs immediately, she ran to her room and just barely locked the door before Connor messed with the knob, banging his full body weight against the door. He was trying to get in. Zoe kept her body against the door, hoping she could fend him off.
“If you tell them, I swear to god you won’t see the light of day!” Connor banged on the door, obviously not worried about how much noise he was making. “I’ll kill you!”
I’ll always love you, Zoe. Nothing will ever change that, okay?
“I will bang this door down! Or maybe I’ll learn how to lock-pick. It’ll make my job a whole lot easier!”
I’ll always love you.
“Get away from me!” Zoe yelled, tears falling down her cheeks.
I’ll always…
“Don’t tell them!”
“You’re a monster!”
+=+=+
Connor ran away. Again.
Zoe wasn't even surprised.
She walked into Connor’s room, trying to look for any type of drug. She could take it out of his room. That would help, right?
Even if she couldn’t find a drug, she could find a note. It was on the desk. She took a shaky breath before reading it:
Zo,
I hope you’ll keep your promise that you won’t tell Mom or Dad. I want this to stay between us.
I fucked up. I currently am fucking up. I know that. The only reason I’d have to write this is if I was currently fucking up. That’s what I’m doing.
I have no idea what to do anymore. I have a friend. I’m not mentioning his name, but he’s everything. And I ditched him. I left him when I needed him the most. You and I both know I need more people. He wanted me to be something I can’t.
I’m broken. This is so much to throw out to you of all people, but you wanted me to leave a note, so here it is.
I don’t think I’m coming back from this. I really don’t know, Zo. I screwed everything up. You’ll never forgive me. They’ll never forgive me. Hell, I won’t forgive myself.
I have no idea how Cynthia keeps so much faith in me. I have no idea how you can keep on living with me banging on your door. I hate that person. That person isn’t me, you know that, right? I’m… I’m still me. Without the drugs, I’m here.
They make me feel like everything’s okay. But it’s amplified. It’s reassuring. You have no doubts. Everything’s on fire, but in a good way. Filled with a surge of energy. When I was sober for those few months, all I could think about was what would happen if I relapsed. I dreamed of it. Those dreams became nightmares, but they were irresistible.
I hope you still know I love you. I screamed fuck you to you almost everyday, but you’re still the sister I helped solve math bonus questions. You’re still the sister who scribbles stars on your jeans. You’re still the sister who I wish I was better for. I hope you know that. I hope you know whatever happens, you’ve done enough. You’re the only person I trust these days, Zo.
I hope you still know I love you.
I hope you still know I love you.
She cried the rest of the night.
+=+=+
She tried to convince herself he was a monster. She tried to stay numb, but when Evan came into their lives talking about how he and Connor were best friends, she almost broke apart the second he mentioned the orchard.
Zoe didn’t know what to do. All she knew was that she missed her brother.
She hoped he still knew she loved him.