Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Drowning was probably the one of the most painful deaths of all. 

Sure, there’s a mauling by a bear, but it’s quick, and the right strike to an artery would be a quick death. 

There’s starvation, but near the end the body simply fades into nothing, and the pain is numbed by the light headedness and dizziness. 

There’s poison, but that’s as simple as the heart stopping and falling asleep. 

No, drowning was slow, it was a long drawn out process that hurt till the very end. 

First your chest starts to burn as the last trace of oxygen is used up in your diaphragm. Then comes the sudden flood of water as you gasp for air, only to flood your system. 

Then you’re pulled down into the dark from the loss of buoyancy, unsure of which direction is up, you’re wide awake even as the oxygen starts to drop in your blood, your brain begins to hallucinate. 

Then, it goes dark. 

Raz gasped as he felt himself suddenly being tugged from the river, feeling a sudden rush of air into his lungs so painful it made him cough out water. 

He felt the ground against his back as he stared up at the bright sky, the air in his lungs making things come back into a sharper view. 

Dark shadows lingered at the corners of his eyes, he tried to follow them, but they fled when he looked too close. 

“Raz? Come on, breathe! Dion!”

“Wake up!”

There was a tiny voice in his ear, so soft and small it barely even stood as a whisper. 

“ …they’re waiting for you darling.”

There was a sudden shot of adrenaline through, he jolted to an upwards sit as he gasped loudly, coughing out loud spits of water. 

“Oh thank god…” Dion sighed in relief. “Get it up.” He smacked Raz’s back, earning another hard cough from his brother. 

“We thought you were dead,” Mirtala said, almost sounding disappointed at her older brother’s revival. “You should have seen how scared Dion was!”

“Shut up!” Dion hissed, standing up and crossing his arms. Raz leaned forward and pushed his face into his hands, rubbing his eyes. “Well…er, thanks for saving me.”

“If I didn’t, mom would kill me,” Dion said with a pretentious eye roll. 

Raz sighed again, getting his feet back under him as he stood, going to the small stump where his clothes sat, neatly folded. 

“Can you tell mom I’m going to my spy work?” He asked, still not comfortable using the term ‘psychic’ around his brother. The word was still a little fresh, and he knew that it still bothered him. 

“Yeah, sure.” Dion shoved on his boots. “Come on Tala, let’s leave Mr. Mental to his official secret agent business.”

Tala giggled, zipping up the side of Dion and wrapping her arms around his shoulders. “‘Kay, but it’s not a secret. Everyone knows what he does.”

“Yeah yeah, whatever.”

Raz felt comfortable taking the long way home, using the torn apart path as a way to dry off through different hurdles and leaps. 

Also to clear his head.

The dust was still settling from a few months prior, even if things seemed to run as ‘business as normal.’

In reality, it was ‘business as the new normal.’

At least in the Aquato family.

Sure, Lucrecia to all of them was still family, and still welcomed and loved by all of them, but there was a subtle and unspoken grudge towards the Psychonauts.

But more specifically, Ford Cruller.

In the mix of all of it, Raz wasn’t sure how to feel. Sure, it was a terrible thing he did, and sure, Raz may never forgive him for it, but…

Agent Cruller was young, stupid, and in love, the three worst possible things to be at once, at least as Agent Forsythe put it. 

But still, Raz couldn’t help but feel…angry. 

Why did this have to happen? Why their family? Why did Ford have to be stupid? 

He never told anyone this, not even his own family. Some things were better left kept in the backs of the human psyche.

He stepped onto the elevator, heading up to the Atrium.

It was crowded as always, but not so much as to be unpleasant. Raz shuffled past the groups of people to the ‘Jr Psychonauts’ wing, or perhaps just the Intern wing with a bit more flare. 

He scurried over to his fellow colleagues, pushing his way into the group with a small wave.

“Sorry I’m late, I had an impromptu swim lesson with my brother,” he said, motioning over his shoulder as if Dion was standing behind him with a scowl on his face. 

“We don’t care Raz,” Norma said, glancing up at him.

“Oh…”

She smiled. “Just kidding. Is that why you’re soaking wet?”

“Oh, uh, yeah, I tried to dry off a little. Guess that did little to help.”

Footsteps against the hard ground cease chatter, heads turning to spot Agent Forsythe with...someone.

At least Raz didn’t know who it was.

“Oh man, is that Tholomew? Finally back from his ‘super secret mission’?” Lizzie asked, standing as he approached.

“Is that Lizzie? Still wearing the most ridiculous outfit I’ve ever seen?”

Raz stayed where he was, obviously there was connections there he wasn’t familiar with. He’d introduce himself later, he supposed.

“Razputin.”

He looked up at the mention of his name. “Agent Forsythe?”

She glanced over at apparently ‘not-newcomer,’ and then back at Raz.

“Aren’t you going to introduce yourself?”

Raz looked over at the group, taking a soft breath in. “They look like they’re catching up, I wouldn’t want to intrude.”

“Oh, don’t let them fool you. Tholomew only started barely a year before you, he’s as much of a newcomer as you are. He’s been away on a field mission. He’s still an intern, unlike the rest of you.”

“Oh,” Raz glanced back over at him. “I...guess I could go say hi to him.”

“You should,” She said, moving away and heading towards her office. “He needs a good role model like you.”

She shut the door behind her.

Raz smiled a bit, slowly hopping off the couch and shyly stepping over towards the group.

“Uh...hi-”

Their chatter stopped, he was aware of many eyes turning to look at him.

“Oh yeah, this is Raz, he’s new here,” Gisu said, putting her arm around Raz. “Uh...yeah. You’re Tholomew?”

“Oh you’ve heard of me,” he said, slowly stepping over to him with an unimpressed smirk. “Cause I’ve heard all about you. Ran away from the circus to join the Psychonauts, uncovered the plot to steal the brains of a bunch of campers, stopped the infamous Maligula, any of this ring a bell to you?”


Raz awkwardly smiled. “Yeah...uh...that’s me…” He noticed strangely pointed teeth underneath Tholomew’s lips, almost like fangs.

“Well, it’s nice to finally meet you, Razputin-” He extended a hand, his fingers were oddly twisted. 

“Uh, yeah, you too-”

He shook his hand, it  probably wasn’t the worst mistake of his life, but it was up in the top 20. 

Mainly because the moment he accepted the handshake, he was being pulled through the air at top speeds.

When the wind finally stopped and he could open his eyes, he was 40 feet up in the air of the Atrium.

“What are you doing?! Put me down!”

“If you insist, circus boy.”

Tholomew let go of his hand, and before he knew it Raz was dropping faster than he had been flying.

It was mere seconds before hitting the ground that he was able to safely float down, looking back up at the crazed intern.

“Hey! That wasn’t cool! You..WAIT! Those are mine!”

“What? This?” Tholomew asked, examining Raz’s helmet in his hands. “Not really my style, way too tacky. I do like the goggles though, maybe I’ll keep them.”

“You know I outrank you right?!” Raz yelled up at him. “You’re still an intern and I’m-”

“Oh please, as if Jr Psychonaut is anything more than a fancier way to say intern. Face it Razputin, they just made up a title for you cause they felt bad about you fighting Maligula.”

“That’s not true. Shut up.”

“Oh really? Tell me then, have you gone on any missions since earning your legitimate title?”

“I...well…”

“No? Just curious.” Tholomew dropped his helmet.

Raz was quick to grab it, putting it back on and grumbling under his breath. “Stupid intern…”

~~~

“I mean he’s the worst! This past week alone he stole half my Psitanium fragments, he dumped food on me, he’s the WORST!”

Tholomew had been here for only two weeks and Raz was already sick of him. In fact, he wouldn’t mind him leaving right this very second.

Lili paused her chewing on her straw and put her soda bottle down, a sympathetic expression on her face as she shook her head. “Have you reported him to Hollis? You know she wouldn’t tolerate that sort of behavior from any of her students.”

“No, mainly because…” Raz didn’t have an answer for that, he kept his head resting heavily in his hands. “...I don’t know. Everyone else seems to love him.”

“Because they’re afraid of him, Raz. He’s...a psychic vampire. He feeds off bad energy,” Lili said. “Who cares what they think?”

“I do, it took them long enough to come around to liking me .”

Lili rolled her eyes. “Oh Razputin...just don’t go fighting him, please? He’s no Bobby Zilch, he’s a pretty good fighter.”

“You’ve fought him before?” Raz looked up. Lili looked away. “Once or twice. Come on, it's only getting dryer outside.” She grabbed his arm and tugged him down.

As it turns out, watering plants turned out to be a nice getaway from the hustle and bustle inside of headquarters, not that Raz had gone on any real missions in a while. Most of it was tedious errands, like cleaning out Dreamcatchers of nightmares or gathering weird artifacts for an apparently new museum wing in the Motherlobe.

Well, watering plants was nice, especially listening to the water stream out from the nozzle of the watering can and run over the leaves and stumps of the plants. He liked to think they appreciated it too.

“Hey Raz, can you help me with this bag of mulch? You have to be really careful with it, it's a special mulch.”

“Special mulch?” Raz turned, a smile on his face as he shifted the watering can over to a telekinetic hold. He went over and grabbed one end of the bag. “Yeah, special mulch for psychic sensitive plants-” Lili said, lifting the other end up and moving it over to her potting station. “My dad just got these from the nursery.”

“Neat,” Raz said, looking at her rows of plants. “How’s your dad doing?”

“Okay, he’s planning a family trip for us, he’s busy setting things up with Hollis for when he’s away.  I think after what happened, he wants a small vacation.”

“I don’t blame him, being kidnapped and having your brain stolen isn’t exactly an easy thing to get over,” Raz said, gently running his hand under the leaf of a sapling.

“What about you? Are you okay? I mean, I won’t lie, learning your family member isn’t who you think they are is-”

“I’m fine,” Raz said quickly, not wanting to go into that topic any further. “We’re…” what should he say? “We’re handling it as a family. And Nona-” he paused, twiddling a clump of dirt between his gloves fingers. “Lucy, is thinking about whether she wants to stay or not.”

“That makes sense,” Lili said. “Look, these are blossoming.” Raz looked over at her pot, thankful for her change of subject. “They’re pretty.”

Raz bit the inside of his cheek, closing his eyes slightly.

Are you okay?

The thought was like a drop of rain into a still puddle, rippling for a moment-

( Am I okay? I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m okay, everything just happened so fast I couldn’t even process it but now it’s like everything is on fire- )

-before dissipating as quickly as it came.

A loud crash of pottery breaking followed by evil laughter cut the conversation (and his thoughts) short.

Raz turned quickly, the orange hand that had been watering plants vanishing and dropping the watering can, splashing on the ground.

“Tholomew!”

Raz harshley yelled, his hands tightening into fists as he approached the intern. Lili grabbed his arm. “He’s not worth it Raz-”

Raz yanked his arm away, seething through gritted teeth as he pressed his fingers to his temple.

“Raz don’t- ”

Tholomw was perched on top of a low hanging light, a toothy smirk on his face. “Are you going to fight me Raz? I thought you were better than that, Mr. Hero.”

“Shut UP! Shut up!”

Raz blasted him, watching him jump into the air like a cat and dart down to the floor.

“You don’t know anything about me.”
 

There was a harsh rattling sound pounding in the back of his head.

Something was different about this anger, this anger wasn’t the burning hot rage one would associate with fire, it was cold, it was sharp and jagged, it was deadly.

It was like ice.

He continued another blast at Tholomew, and once again, the boy evaded his shot.

There was a familiar voice in his head again, softer than a whisper.

“ Shut him up. ”

Another blast, followed  by laughter.

“ He doesn’t know what you’ve been through. ”

He could hear Lili’s voice, but it was distant, almost like his head was underwater.

“ None of them do. No one understands. ”

A loud explosion from behind them made both boys stop their pursuit, the small spigot in the corner now loudly spraying water.

Lili turned and ran towards it, but Raz found himself frozen in place, staring at the water spraying up from the ground.

His legs wouldn’t move, they were stuck in place, it was as if his body wasn’t under his control.

That wasn’t me. That wasn’t me. That wasn’t me. It’s an old spigot, please please please it wasn’t me…

Water, spraying into the air and fanning out, it filled his eardrums like pounding thunder.

It wasn’t me. It couldn’t have been me.

Maligula used water, he didn’t. He hated the water.

There were heavy footsteps on the ground, Raz could feel the vibrations, but he couldn’t hear them.

Things were happening in slow motion, but someone was calling his name.

“ Razputin!”

Chapter Text

“I don’t know what to say, I really don’t. I pride myself on being able to create an enriching and accepting environment for all my students, and here we are in this situation.”

Hollis paced angrily back and forth behind her desk, her hands tightly clenched so tightly her knuckles paled. “Tholomew, we talked about your behavior inside AND outside the classroom.”

Tholomew didn’t meet her eye, he only looked down at his feet. Raz couldn’t read what was going on in his eyes, not that it mattered. He didn’t care.

“And as for you Aquato-“ Hollis' attention turned to him, her gaze making him wish the ground would open and swallow him whole. He felt small and helpless, like a fly trapped in a web. 

“-I expected better from you. From both of you. Making a fool out of this organization.”

“I’m sorry Agent Forsycthe,” Raz muttered. “It won’t happen again, I promise.”

Tholomew didn’t answer. 

“I know it won't, Razputin,”  she said, her hands finally unclenching as a small folder drifted over to her hands. “Since I’ve arranged for you both to have a visit with Agent Vodello. She’ll be making sure that this won’t happen again.”

“What-?!” Tholomew shot up, finally showing signs of life. “No no no, Agent Forsycthe I’ll do anything BUT visit Agent Vodello. Please, remember the last time?”

“Unlike last time Tholomew, I have more faith in Razputin,” Hollis said, the folder drifting back to its place. “Now, both of you will report to Agent Vodello’s office tomorrow at noon for exercises in team building.”

Tholomew rolled his eyes as she talked. “…it won’t work…” he muttered under his breath as he stood. 

Raz stayed where he was, watching Tholomew slowly drag himself out of Hollis’s office. 

“Raz,” Hollis’s voice grew more gentle, Raz couldn’t bring himself to look at her. “I know these past few months have been hard on you. It’s a period of change for you and your family.”

Oh no. 

Oh please no. 

Raz hated this, he hated this whole conversation even more than he already did. Why was everyone treating it like…that? Like it was still going on? He had fixed it. He had fixed all of it. Why did everything seem so different now?

He gripped his chair. 

“But I expect more from you. As do Sasha and Milla.” 

Raz shut his eyes tightly. “I know. I’m sorry…” Relief washed over him. Yes, in a cruel sick way, discussing Sasha and Milla’s disappointment in him was a much better topic than talking about his family problems. 

But at the same time...

He glanced up at her. “Are you…going to take my badge away?”

He was already reaching for his Jr. Psychonaut badge. 

Hollis smiled ever so slightly. “No. It’ll take much more than a small scrap to strip you of your badge, if that were the case we’d be missing a lot of agents,” she said. “But, I need you to be on your best behavior from now on, understand? No more starting fights, I expect your first one to be your last one. I know you’re under stress, but soon things will be as they should be again.”

Raz nodded. “Yeah…I promise, my best behavior.”

Hollis nodded, relaxing. “Good. Now, you’re dismissed.”

Raz nodded and stood. “Thank you Agent Forsycthe.”

He slowly scampered out of the office like a frightened squirrel, wanting OUT of the wing as quickly as possible. 

He wanted to go find Lili, apologize for what he did. He slowly made his way out to the Quarry, heading for the newly built greenhouse once again. 

“Lili?” He called, opening the door slowly, pausing at the sound of water dripping, a small shiver going up his spine. 

The incident still hadn’t left his head; the hose rapidly thrashed about like a snake striking the air, water was spat out wildly like venom-

-but he couldn’t have done that. 

He swallowed thickly and walked along the rows of plants. 

“Lili…?”

“RAZ-!”

“AH-!

Raz fell forwards, face-first into a mulch pile. He spat out whatever particles unluckily landed in his mouth as he sat up and turned. 

There she was, dried off and holding a pair of garden pliers. 

“Lili, I’m so sorry for what happened, for what I did. I wasn’t thinking, I-“

“It’s fine. I feel worse about you having to see Milla tomorrow. She doesn’t take fighting all too well y’know.” Lili clamped the jaws of the pliers together. “Last time Tholomew got into a fight they put him and the other kid through each other's thoughts, the one kid was busted up for weeks afterward. 

“What? Why? What did the kid see…?”

“Don’t know, he wouldn’t say,” Lili said. 

“Oh…” Raz frowned. “Did you-“

“Fix the hose? Yeah. That was weird. It was a brand new hose.”

“Maybe a factory defect?” Raz suggested, refusing to take any sort of blame or fault for this. 

Lili shrugged, stuffing the pliers into her pocket and turning to walk away, stopping and turning back again.

“Oh yeah, Sasha wanted to see you in his office.”

“Uh, about what happened…?” Raz asked, already feeling the anxiety twisting his insides.

“Don’t know, he didn’t say, he just said ‘if you see Razputin, send him to my office,’” Lili said, mocking a Sasha Nein impression as she quoted him. “I couldn’t tell if it was good or bad.”

“Great,” Raz swallowed a hard lump in his throat. “I guess I’d better get it over with…” He rubbed the back of his neck and turned.

“I’m sure it isn’t that bad!” Lili called after him as he slowly walked back to the Motherlobe.

~~~

Raz stood before the door into Sasha’s lab, staring at the door with a fear that made him sick. He shut his eyes slowly and took a step forward, listening to the hiss of the doors opening.

“Razputin.”

Raz opened his eyes, staring at the floor. “Hi, Sasha…”

“Do you know why I asked for you here?”

Raz watched a bug crawl slowly across the floor. “Is it because of the fight Tholomew and I got into? I’m really sorry Sasha, I really messed up.” he felt like a broken record, so many apologies.

“Schoolyard fights are common among boys your age, Razputin, that’s the least of my worries about you,” Sasha said. Raz looked up finally, staring at Sasha in confusion.

“Then...why did you call me here?”

“I wanted to talk to you about certain discoveries I have my concerns about.” Sasha motioned him to follow as he turned and walked towards his office.

“Huh?” Raz went after him slowly. “I don’t understand.”

“I’ll explain. Sit,” Sasha motioned towards a chair.

“Is this some kind of test? Another experiment?”

“No. Sit.”

Raz shut his jaw, slowly climbing onto the chair and looking around Sasha’s office. It smelled like a weird mix of cologne and cigarette smoke.

“Do you want anything? Tea? Soda? Water?”

“No,” Raz watched Sasha sit beside him, a clipboard slowly hovering over and sitting in his lap as he lit a cigarette.

“Sasha…?”

“Razputin, I’ll be blunt with you. I’m concerned about your mental state. Seeing what you have, I worry about how your mind is handling all that has happened these past few months.”

“My mental state…? My mental state is fine,” Raz looked away again. Things are fine, aren’t they?

Yeah, they’re fine. He has to be fine, a Psychonaut can’t be bothered by what they see on a mission.

He’s fine.

“Sometimes certain things can create underlying issues we don’t seem to notice until they snowball out of our control,” Sasha said. “Do you still have that Psycho Portal I gave you?”

“You...you knew I had it?” Raz asked.

“I don’t leave things lying around without reason, Razputin. But, I do think you should hold onto it. It seems to be of use to you,” Sasha said. “I would like to take a pop into your mind, just to make sure things are as they should be.”

“Alright…” Raz held his hand out, the small door hovering into his hand. He slowly put it up to his forehead, closing his eyes.

~~~

“Sasha? Agent Nein?”

Raz looked around the abyss, slowly pulling his goggles down as he looked around.

Everything was as it should be, he didn’t notice anything off. He slowly went up to the door of the recognizable caravan, hesitating for a second. What was on the other side? Why was he nervous?

He slowly opened the door.

It seemed normal. He slowly stepped inside, looking around. “Hello?” His voice echoed into the empty air. It was surprisingly empty, nothing but a dirt clearing with a few stray stakes and ropes. 

He went over to a small tent on the ground, recognizing the familiar circus pattern, picking the fabric up, and rubbing it under his fingers. 

Raz looked around the abandoned lot again. There was nothing for miles, no trees, no hills, nothing-

Where had the circus gone?

He dropped the tent and slowly kept walking. The only thing to see was a small sign, barely a meter tall, written in haste with black paint.

Left town

Future spot 

of HQ

Raz looked around once more, before slowly looking up at the sound of a low rumble in the sky.

Water dripped onto his face and down his cheek. He slowly held out his hands as the clouds swirled and rumbled again, small drops of water beginning to drip down onto his face and hands.

Slowly, the drops picked up volume and speed, turning into proper rain.

Raz looked back at the dry ground, watching the rain wet the hard ground, softening the dirt as weeds began to spring up around him. Not vile weeds, pleasant ones, like dandelions and wild thistle weed. But as quickly as they sprung to life, they died, swallowed back up by the wet soil.

Raz turned again, spotting Sasha slowly walking among the remains of what once was a circus. A small orange dome hung over him like an umbrella, reflecting the rain back upwards.

“There’s nothing here,” Raz said, slowly walking back towards him.

“It’s understandable, not all minds remain the same forever Raz. It would seem your’s is under construction, even without you knowing it.”

The rain grew heavier.

“That’s a good thing, right?” Raz asked, relieved when Sasha extended the dome over him to keep him shielded from the rain.

“Perhaps, it depends on what it’s reconstructing itself into. But based on that sign,” Sasha looked over Raz’s shoulder. “I would say we have nothing to worry about.”

“Okay...it’s just...I don’t know.” Raz looked back at the swampy grounds. “It’s stupid.”

“You can tell me anything, Razputin.”

Raz looked back at Sasha. “It’s really nothing. I just- when it first started raining, I saw some weeds trying to grow but it was too muddy, they ended up getting swallowed in the mud.”

“Sometimes weeds can represent leeches within our own lives Razputin, I think this rain is just a cleansing of what this place used to be.”

“I guess so,” Raz said, pausing a deep sound that sounded like the thunder in the sky.

Only this thunder was coming from the ground.

His eyes turned towards the dirt floor, seeing it seemingly quiver and shake as the rumbling grew louder and louder. 

Then he saw it, the wave.

“Run, RUN!” Sasha grabbed Raz’s arm and yanked. “RUN!”

Raz continued to stare, his legs locked as he faced the water surging at him.

Were there...eyes inside?

“Come to me Razputin…”

“RAZPUTIN!”

He snapped from his trance, turning and breaking into a sprint, eventually hopping onto his levitation orb.

Don’t look behind you, don’t look behind you, keep going-

He saw it in the distance, a single door in the middle of nowhere. He went faster, the sound of water foaming and surging behind him growing louder and louder-

He practically leaped through the door, slamming it shut behind him. There came a loud boom, and he was sent forwards by the shockwave that came next.

They were safe...they were safe.

“Sasha…?” Raz slowly stood and looked around.

Agent Nein floated down from the darkness above, landing a few feet away from him. “What was that…?”

“It...could have been a multitude of things. A cleansing, a warning, a surge from the subconscious,” Sasha listed, slowly pacing back and forth as he took a long drag from his damp cigarette. “Ugh.” He dropped it and stamped it out.

“So...so...what do we do now?”

“I’m going to look into this, see what I can find from my previous studies. For now, your safest option is to take it easy with no excessive mental strain or stimulation. You need to be relaxed until we can figure out what’s wrong.”

“But, I have that meeting with Milla tomorrow,” Raz said. “With team-building exercises!”

“Oh I wouldn’t worry about that, Milla usually keeps things generally calm and safe in those instances. Though I’ll pass along that your mind is off-limits for the time.” Sasha went into his pocket and held out smelling salts.

“I think we’ve both had our share for the day.”

Raz nodded, taking a small sniff and wrinkling his nose.

Drifting back, he thought he could hear that voice again.

“See you soon~”

Chapter Text

There came a point where psychic powers grew so strong that lucid dreaming was not only something that happened, but it was expected. 

Raz liked to think he had control over his dreams, he was able to tell in minutes within sleeping that he was dreaming, able to pull and manipulate the world around him to his will. 

To not be able to control his dreams was scary. 

At this very point, he knew he was dreaming. 

His body was positioned on a balcony, looking at the flooded streets at what his mind told him was once Grulovia. But that didn’t make sense, Raz wasn’t alive for this, he wasn’t even a thought. 

I’m dreaming, he thought. His body didn’t obey this realization. I’m dreaming, why can’t I move? I’m dreaming, wake up, wake up-

No, he couldn’t even speak. 

His body wasn’t in his control. It was almost like someone was puppeting his movements. 

He was jerked over the edge of the balcony, slowly hovering down towards the water. 

Wake up, wake up, wake up-

It was all that went through his head as his hands reached into the water. Oh no, oh god he could feel it. The fabric of clothes under his fingers, the squish of flesh…

“ Marona… ”

The voice was strange, the voice was his own but…someone else was speaking, like a faint whisper under his breath. 

“ Marona wasn’t supposed to be here…”

Wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up, please for the love of god wake up-!

But his hands gripped the body, slowly pulling it out of the water. 

He felt the pressure of panic build and build within his chest as he stared down at who it was in the water. 

“ I killed my sister…”

Frazie…Frazie was in the water…

WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!

Raz finally found the strength to pry his jaws open, he found they were practically clenched together so tightly he thought his teeth would shatter. He screamed as loud as his voice would let him, the horrible sound burning from deep inside his being and rumbling out of his throat. 

The world began to shake and spin, like an earthquake was ripping through the land. 

He could hear a sound, a voice.

“Raz! Razputin!”

“AH-“

But he was awake now. He looked around the room with wide eyes, the air in his chest shallow and weak as he tried to remember where he was. 

He was at his family’s caravan, that was right, he recognized the engravings on the wall and the designs on the quilts. It must be the weekend. 

Dion was here, yeah that was Dion, and Frazie…

“You were having a nightmare,” Dion said. “Screaming like a maniac-“

Raz batted his hands off his shoulders, grabbing his bag and putting on his tan coat. He didn’t even acknowledge his brother’s words. He just needed out of here as fast as possible.  

“What? Raz where are you going?! It’s not even dawn-“

Frazie tried to grab him again, but frankly he couldn’t even face her; not after what he saw.  

He pulled himself away from her and ran to the door, stuffing his feet partially into his shoes and slamming the door open 

“Raz-!”

Dion was partially out the door by the time Raz had already cleared the opening. 

Frazie walked beside him, her arms crossed as she glanced at Dion. “What happened? I heard him scream-“

“I don’t know. I think he was having a nightmare, he was talking in his sleep, but I couldn’t make out what he was saying. Then he just started screaming.”

Frazie looked back at the now empty clearing. “Should we go after him? Or…”

“We should tell dad,” Dion said. “I think he’s just spooked, he’ll come back, I think.”

~~~

Raz pulled the back of his shoe up as he ran, hopping over the fence at the edge of the Questionable Area and bee-lining into the Forgetful Forest. 

It took him right where he wanted to go. 

The Green Needle Gulch. 

He finally stopped running when he saw the Heptadome, leaning over and catching his breath. He felt comfortable going into a walk, heading to the small fixer upper shack on the water. 

He slowly creaked the door open, stepping inside and looking around the small interior. It was a lot different than the last time he had been there. There was more furniture, there were pots and pans in a small kitchen area by an oil burning stove.

Spices sat in small jars and bottles, some hung from string between the cupboards. A couch with a quaint rug and coffee table with a few estranged magazines sat humbly in the corner. The whole place smelled of lavender. 

“Uh…Nona?” He called softly. He heard creeks upstairs slowly make their way to the ladder.

“Pootie?” 

She slowly stepped down off the ladder, her face crooked with concern as she hobbled over to him. 

“I…wanted to talk to you…” he trailed off, his eyes drifting to the floor.  

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” she said, her hand slowly cupping the side of his face and bringing his head back up to look at her. “Pootie.”

Raz could feel himself wanting to cry, to tell her everything he saw in his dream, that he was scared and that he could feel things were going to go wrong…

But nothing came out of his mouth but a weak question. “Nona, have you…have you been having bad dreams recently?”

“Bad dreams? No, no bad dreams. I’ve dreamt of my Crully, but nothing besides that,” she said. “Why?”

“I was just…I don’t know. I had a bad dream that felt so real it scared me,” Raz said, slowly pacing around the room. “I usually have control of my dreams but this time it was like…something else was controlling me.”

“Nightmares are no good, no good at all,” she said, walking over to the stove. “You’re staying here tonight. I will make tea, good for keeping those pesky nightmares away.”

She was already putting water on to boil, turning back and going over to the couch. By nature Raz went to help her, holding her arms to help her sit. Once she was settled, he sat beside her. 

“Are you sure it was just a nightmare darling? You came all this way-“

“I’m sure,” Raz promised. “It was just scary, you know.”

She nodded slowly. “Nightmares can be heinous. Crully gets them every once and awhile, they awake him from his sleep, and he sleeps like a rock.”

“Oh, is he upstairs?”

She nodded. “Sleeping hard. Don’t worry about him.” The water whistled loudly on the stove. She went to get up again, Raz quickly standing and helping her up. “I can make the tea Nona, you don’t have to-“

“Nonsense, you don’t know how to make it. But you can get the Gruloky deck from the drawer over there and get us set up.”

He nodded, going to the drawer on the opposite side of the room and taking the Gruloky deck from within. 

They played four rounds of Gruloky, Raz came close to winning once near the end. The tea was surprisingly sweet, which Raz found out was due her stirring in a spoonful of honey. 

“Sweetness keeps the nightmares away, plus, children need sweet things every once and awhile, you wouldn’t like the taste otherwise.”

After their last round, she got a quilt from a basket next to the couch and let Raz get comfortable on the couch. The tea seemed to work, he was already getting drowsy, his eyes heavy as she gently played with his hair and softly sang to him. 

“ Emotions flow ever on like a river

Giving land it’s life

They rise and fall, spiraling out to sea

Guiding us to what is right- “

Raz gently shut his eyes. He would rest them for the moment, listening to her voice, the sounds of the water gently bubbling outside, the wind through the reeds. 

“ But water can never be controlled

And it can flood the land

So to stem the tide when water’s high

Some will build a dam- “

He felt himself falling back slowly, drifting further and further away. 

“ It keeps them dry, keeps fear at bay

Yet does it keep them safe?

If the waters find no release

Their work will go to waste. ”

Comfortably, he floated into space. 

~~~

“You’re late, freakshow.”

Raz rolled his eyes as he fixed his rolled sleeves, looking up at Tholomew with a disdained look. The feeling seemed mutual. 

“Sorry, I was busy talking with my friends, something you don’t seem to have.”

“Watch it Aquato-!”

“Boys,” Milla’s voice interrupted them before the tension could settle. “Come inside please.”

Tholomew shouldered past Raz, pushing him to the side as he walked into the office. “Maybe you should watch where you’re going.”

Raz bit back a comeback and resolved to growling under his breath, fixing his goggles and walking behind him into Milla’s office. 

She opened her eyes and smiled, motioning to the cushions around her. “Take a seat you two.”

Once they were both settled, Milla clasped her hands together. “Now, Agent Forscythe tells me you two are having disputes. As Psychonauts, we must learn to put our differences aside to collectively work together, for the best of those we help-“

Tholomew audibly sighed and leaned back. Raz stared at him, amazed someone could be so disrespectful to Agent Vodello. 

“Tholomew, darling, please sit up.”

Tholomew leaned forward, grumbling under his breath. 

“Now then, the best way to reach a sense of understanding is to do a team building exercise,” Milla said. “I would have you both take a quick peek into the other’s mind, but, due to Sasha’s request, I’m afraid Raz’s mind is off limits.”

“What? Why does he get special treatment? All because Sasha is on HIS side?” 

“Sasha is on nobody’s side Tholomew,” Milla said. Raz was surprised she could keep this calm, if it were him, he would have lost his temper by now. “Raz is undergoing treatments by Agent Nein that leave him psychically vulnerable. Now, instead, you’ll be giving Raz a thorough tour around the inside of your mind,” Milla said, her own Psycho Portal resting in her hand. 

“Alone?” Raz asked, feeling an evil look from Tholomew burn into him. 

“Oh no darling, I’ll be inside supervising from afar,” she said. “Now then, Tholomew, if you will-“ The door floated over to his hands. “So we may proceed.”

“…fine.” Tholomew jammed the door onto his forehead and opened it. 

“After you darling,” Milla said as Raz slowly pushed his goggles down. He wasn’t really looking forward to this. 

~~~

The first thing he could smell was the stench of wet dirt, like overturned earth. Raz slowly stood up from the ground, looking around. 

This was a graveyard? The last time he was in a graveyard his world got turned inside out. There seemed to be a noticeable stone path, and walking along the trail he could see a house on a hill, jutting against the stormy green sky. 

“Tholomew?” Raz asked, pushing his goggles up. “You’re supposed to be giving me a tour.”

“I am, keep going, you’ll find me inside that house,”

Raz rolled his eyes, slowly walking along the path. The wind in the open plain made a strange low ‘wooo,’ almost like something was groaning. 

He jumped at a loud yell, turning and raising his hands to the firm ready. 

“Oh, it’s just you.”

Yeah, a censor, he could handle a censor. 

“Scared of a little censor, freakshow?”

Raz shot the censor and made haste to get out of there, following the path out of the graveyard and shutting the iron gate behind him. He slowly approached the house, softly knocking. 

“Are you going to come out or not? Tholomew!”

He didn’t answer, and Raz opened the door. He looked around the broken house, pausing as he stared at the old portraits on the wall. The eyes seemed to follow him as he walked. 

“Where are you? Tholomew!”

There were strange blobs of gnashing teeth in the kitchen, feeding off the rotten plates of food that seemed abandoned. 

“Oh, guilt! Good,” Milla’s voice rang in his mind. 

“I doubt it’s guilt about me,” Raz said, moving away from the kitchen and looking around the long hallway. He slowly moved along the creaky floorboards, stopping at the feel of something dropping on his shoulder. He looked up. 

Was the ceiling leaking-?

Something dripped on his face, he slowly brought his fingers up to touch it. It looked red…

Please don’t be blood, please don’t be blood-

He tasted it. It was sweet…?

“You think it’s real blood? No, that’s gross. It’s corn syrup, like the movies.” 

The movies…

“Oh, so you’re a horror movie buff,” Raz said, walking along the floorboards again. 

“Yeah. The jumpscares are my favorite.”

One of the portraits swung open, emitting a loud roar and a swiping clawed hand. Raz wouldn’t lie and say it didn’t frighten him, but at the same time-

“I can see the wires, Tholomew. This haunted house blows.”

“Shut up and come find me. I’m upstairs,”

Raz slowly headed up the stairs, the smoke and mirrors clearing to show most of what he had to be scared about was cheap props that almost reminded him of the Halloween shows they would put on at his family’s circus. 

Midway down a corridor and he heard laughter behind him. He turned, spotting a weird doll on a tricycle pedaling at him. After the initial yelp, he stepped out of its way, and it went right by him. 

Oh, it was being pulled by a string. He stepped into one of the rooms, a bathroom. 

“Tholomew, I’m starting to think you aren’t-“

He stopped, seeing something behind the shower curtain…glow?

He looked around, slowly sliding his goggles back down and opening the curtain. 

Something behind the tiles was glowing. He slowly put his hands up to the tiles and began to pry and pull them off, eventually the wall crumbled away to darkness. 

But there was light, like a train in a tunnel. He slowly stepped over the boundary, walking into the unknown. The light got brighter and brighter, eventually swallowing him whole. 

~~~

When the light focused, the haunted house was gone, replaced by a faded hospital room. 

Raz looked into each of the rooms, they were all empty, except for the one on the end, where he could hear soft whispering. 

“ …so brave…”

“…shh…”

He pulled his goggles up once again, slowly walking down to the end of the hall and looking in. It almost looked like a photograph in motion. 

There was someone in the bed, a man, with a very young Tholomew at their bedside. 

“…where are you going…?”

“…away…”

“…I’ll come too…”

“…no, you stay here…you be good…”

“…don’t go dad…”

A shadow moved along the back wall, Raz watched two eyes emerge from the depths and look at him, then back at Tholomew and the figure in the bed. It moved a finger up to it’s lips as if to shush him, and then moved over to the bed, joining the shadows on the wall and swallowing the memory. 

Another ball of light, off in the distance. 

“I don’t know if he wants me to see this or not…but…” Raz kept going. This scene was different, Tholomew was alone in his room, staring at the door. 

“ …never should have taken you in.. ”

“ …cursed child… ”

“ …if you weren’t his son… ”

The shadow walked out from behind the dresser, slowly walking around the room and joining the shadows behind the bed, swallowing the photograph. 

One final ball of light in the distance. Raz walked over to it. 

There Tholomew was, sitting on the front entrance of…somewhere. It looked like the entrance to a cathedral. 

“…look at him…”

“…take him in…”

“…he’s family…”

The scene went like a candle being blown out. Raz turned away, looking to go back, only to be met with a tall figure in a suit, with a dark veil over their face. 

“Uhhh…” he backed up, staring at them. “…hi…? Who are you?”

“I am that I am. Am I evil? Am I goodness? That’s up to you to decide,” they said. “ I exist where there is nothing, but I am everywhere. I even exist in your mind, Razputin.”

“You’re the shadow! You’re…are you Death?”

“I am that I am.”

“If you’re Death, then…how are you in my mind? I’ve never experienced death,”

“We have all experienced Death. But if we can experience Death, how can an experience be a thing that walks on two legs? Or maybe that’s Love. But no, I am not Death, if I were, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

“Can you help me find my…uh…Tholomew? He said he’d meet me here.”

“You already found him.”

The figure moved a skeletal hand up to point. Raz turned in the direction. 

There he was. 

“Why don’t you do any dishes? Why?” Raz looked back, the figure disappearing back into the shadows. “I always clean up the kitchen, it’s fine.”

Raz turned back to Tholomew, slowly walking over. “I’m sorry about your dad.”

“It’s fine. I don’t care,” Tholomew mumbled. “You saw everything, now get out.”

Raz’s sympathy turned to frustration. “Why are you being like this to me?! From the moment I met you, I’ve tried to be nothing but nice and it’s like you hate me for no reason!”

Tholomew turned and angrily shoved him away. “You don’t know anything!” He hissed, his hands tightening into fists. “Oh I’m Raz, and I stopped Coach from taking over the world, I defeated Maligula, I was mentored by Ford Cruller, I became a JR Psychonaut in under a week!”

He angrily paced back and forth. 

Meanwhile the rest of us have to go through the system, I was here a YEAR before you! I go away for a month and miss the Razputin show and everyone gets to be a Psychonaut, meanwhile I have to sit and wait in the INTERN program like I’m the rookie! I shouldn’t HAVE to wait, while you get to just fly through the system!”

Raz didn’t know what to say at first. On one hand, he understood. Tholomew HAD been an intern for awhile, and because he missed the fight with Maligula, he was left out of history, out of moving on with his classmates. But on the other hand…

“You think I asked to do all that? I didn’t ask to find out about Coach’s plan, I didn’t ask to rescue Truman, I didn’t ask to fight Maligula. I’m just like you Tholomew, all I wanted was to be a Psychonaut, not save the world.”

Tholomew still wouldn’t look at him, his arms still crossed. 

“I’m sorry you didn’t become a Psychonaut, I am, but I can’t control what happens to me, or how it affects others. I just wanted to be a Psychonaut.”

Tholomew still didn’t answer, he only started walking, a hard sigh leaving him. At first, Raz wasn’t sure if he should follow, but…

…slowly he went after him. 

Tholomew sat down slowly, his legs dangling over the side of the abyss. Raz slowly sat next to him, staring into the starry nothingness. 

“You know, it was my dad, my adopted dad, that told me to go to camp, become a Psychonaut,” Tholomew said, stuffing his hands into his pockets. “He could only teach me so much, he said, now I had to go and learn more.”

“Your dad’s a psychic?” Raz asked, watching Tholomew pick up chunks from the dark ground and throw them over the cliff. 

“Kinda, yeah. Our home’s built over a Psitanium reserve, so after generations of exposure, they developed psychic powers.” 

“Oh,” Raz clasped his hands in his lap. “My Nona told me to go to camp.”

“Is she psychic?” Tholomew asked, throwing another rock. 

“Yeah,” Raz said, looking down. “…she has a bit of history with the Psychonauts and…I had to help sort it all out earlier this summer.” he coughed.

“All that Maligula junk?”

“...yeah…”

Tholomew stared at him a moment before offering a rock. Raz took it and threw it as far as it could go 

“Is that what’s been bothering you?” Tholomew asked. 

“No, yes, it’s complicated,” Raz muttered. “I’m…” he took a deep breath in. 

“I get it,” Tholomew said.

Raz paused for a moment, staring at Tholomew, studying him. “Was it really that easy to see that something was bothering me?”

“Yes and no, the dead giveaway was the ‘Sasha said your brain was off limits.’ Besides that, not really.” Tholomew passed him another rock before throwing his own. Raz threw it a bit farther, hearing it ricochet off something. 

“Huh?” He looked over the cliff. Something big and white was slowly rising into the sky. 

“Well, I guess the tour stops here.” Tholomew slowly stood up. Raz followed after him, staring at the ball of light that slowly grew in the sky. 

“Thanks for showing me all this,” Raz said. “I know it’s personal to you.”

Tholomew didn’t answer, he crossed his arms and looked off into the ball of light. 

“Yeah, whatever.”

~~~

Raz awakened back in the physical world, watching Tholomew and Milla slowly come to. Milla seemed pleased, a smile over her face as Tholomew moved the door from his head. 

“Well, I think this was a good step in the right direction boys. Remember, as Psychonauts, we need to work together in harmony. You don’t have to like each other, but you should be able to work together.”

There was no sly comeback from Tholomew, only a slow nod as he stood up. 

“Now, if you have any more arguments, come find me, and we can sort it out before it escalates,” Milla said. “You’re dismissed. Good job today boys.”

Raz slowly walked behind Tholomew as they left. He stood beside him awkwardly, trying to get a read of how the other felt, or what he felt about them. 

“So, uh…what are you gonna do now?”

“Don’t know. Later.” Tholomew flew off, Raz wasn’t sure if he should follow or not, but he decided he had enough Tholomew for the day. 

No, he had somewhere else he wanted to be. 

~~~

“Dad?” Raz asked, slowly walking into the small clearing. He was aware of someone entering his mind, slowly seeping around and looking, growing frustrated when there was no easy way in. 

Yeah, that was his dad. 

“Razputin? My boy what are you doing out here?” His dad asked, dropping down from a tree and landing in a plie. 

Raz didn’t answer, he only went over and hugged him tight. 

“Something the matter son?” His dad asked, kneeling down and hugging him. 

“No, I just missed you,” Raz said, a small smile creeping over his face. 

“Well, I’m glad to see you.”

Raz finally let go, looking up as his dad stood. 

“Did you like my clairvoyance? Norma said I’m getting better at it,” his dad said. 

“Yeah, sorry about my head.” 

“Oh you’re armored like a knight, good for fighting mental enemies,” his dad said, his hand going to Raz’s back to guide him back to camp. “Are you staying the night tonight? Or would you like to head back to your dorm?”

Raz stopped for a moment, watching Mirtala and Frazie by the water, thinking. “I don’t know…” he looked back at his dad. “I was thinking…”

A loud splash broke his attention away from his dad, turned back and looking at his sisters. 

Were they okay? The loud splashes, he could see Mirtala’s head bobbing up and down in the water. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest, his breathing slowing as he stared. 

She was drowning..

“Mirtala-!” 

Before what happened even registered in his head, he had taken three large steps forward, his fingers pressed tight against his temples as his hand sprung forward. 

Like a geyser the water shot up, a familiar watery hand holding his little sister, pulling her out of harm's way. 

A hand on his shoulder made him come to, snapping from the strange daze that glossed over his mind. 

He immediately dropped her, his breathing becoming weak and faulty, like the wiring of the lights back at camp. He stared at his hands, then back up at his sisters. 

Mirtala had landed safely in Frazie’s arms, and she stared across the water at him with a look of confusion and concern. 

“Poots, she was fine. She’s actually really good at swimming,” Frazie said. “What was up with the hand?”

“I…I-“

“Why, it seems Razputin has already gotten a handle on hydrokinesis, as a powerful psychic should! Already controlling it like a natural!” His father said, beaming with a pride Raz didn’t want. 

“I-I have to go.” Raz quickly said, pushing his dad’s hand away. “I have to go.”

“Razputin?”

“I have to go! Bye!” He was already running away. 

He had to get away from the water.

~~~

Even though Raz had been…scared, he didn’t tell his fears to Lili, or anyone for that matter. Maybe he’d tell Sasha later, but for now, he wanted nothing more than to forget it ever happened. 

And what better way to do that then take a few to-go boxes from the Noodlebowl and host an impromptu movie night with your…? Girlfriend? Girl-friend? Friend who is a girl? 

-with Lili and your other friends, still no sign of Tholomew. 

It was nice, and Raz almost forgot about the hand of water entirely. 

When he finally turned in for the night, he slipped his gloves off and stared at his hands, then over at a small glass of water Adam kept at his bedside. He turned over on his side and focused, pressing his hand to his temples and staring at the water, pointing two fingers at it. 

Nothing. 

Not even a small ripple. 

He rolled onto his back, looking up at the ceiling, content. Slowly he shut his eyes, drifting off to sleep. 

~~~

“Oh no…no no no…”

Was he dreaming? He was aware of where he was, he was aware he wasn’t in the physical world. Was this a lucid dream? Or his own mind?

He was back in that field of abandoned circus tents and flooded dirty grounds. He walked a few feet, looking around. The sign was gone, nothing but open swamp lands for miles. 

“Hello?” He called. “Sasha? Milla? Lili?”

No one. No answers. 

He heard a soft voice, a whisper almost. He turned sharply, hand at the ready to blast whatever was stalking him. 

Raz could hear it move, swirling around him with soft whispering, and then slight laughter. 

He recognized that laughter…

He turned slowly, blasting a single shot off into space. 

“I-I know you’re there! Come out!”

She laughed again, her voice making a shrill fear build within him. He turned again. 

The eyes, the yellow eyes-

She emerged from the shadows, finally revealing herself to him. She smiled, almost in a loving way as she saw him, the water slowly dissipating around her and reappearing as serpents at her hands. 

“You’ve grown since last I’ve seen you, little one,” she said, the smile unwavering as she placed a finger on her chin in thought. 

It was her, Raz’s worst nightmare, coming to life right here, right now, right before him. 

It was Maligula. 

Chapter Text

“Little Razputin, how are you darling~?” 

Maligula leaned down, slowly approaching closed with a hand outstretched. Raz, frozen in place from fear, could only flinch away as her hand lovingly brushed under his chin. 

“Have you missed me, your great aunt?” She asked, tilting his head up so he would look at her. “My little nephew~”

“W-we’re not related,” Raz pushed her hands away and took steps back from her, watching her straighten up, the smile unwavering from her face. “You’re just…you’re just a manifestation of my Nona’s fight or flight response.”

“Oh, but you said it yourself Razputin, we are family, after all.” She slowly moved around him, her serpents following her like pets. “And family helps family.” 

Raz spun around, not wanting her to his back. He held his hands up, stepping back again. “W-what do you want?!”

“Why, to train you Pootie!” Her arms outstretched, as if waiting for a hug. She drew closer. “You’re blossoming into a natural with hydrokinesis! Perhaps even better than me when I was your age!”

“No!” Raz quickly drew back further. “I-It isn’t hydrokinesis. It’s something else, it’s, it’s-“

“Don’t be humble, little one,” Maligula said, a few fingers motioning in the air as Raz felt something wet push him towards her. The serpent withdrew from behind him, returning to her side. “You’ve got more power than you suspect. And you’ve had no proper mentor to teach you how to use it!”

“Ford Cruller taught me!” Raz’s fear ignited into anger. “He taught me everything I needed to know!” He took a step towards her. 

“He taught you nothing of your powers in hydrokinesis. Haven’t you noticed them growing stronger, Razputin?”

“No. I haven’t.” His hands tightened into fists, his teeth gritted together tightly as his jaw locked. He could feel something bubbling up inside of him, something dark and vile, like water boiling in a pot, about to explode-

“You’re just like me.”

“No I’m NOT! I’ll never be like you !” 

His hands shot forward by instinct, a gush of water traveling over his head and encompassing Maligula. She only laughed in joy as his wave enveloped her. Feeling the water flick onto his face, Raz took a sharp gasp in and lowered his hands, the water dropping to the ground. 

“Like I said, just like me,” Maligula said, her head slightly rising in pride. Raz looked at his hand in dismay, then back at her. He could hear thunder overhead, rumbling and roaring like a tiger in a cage. 

“No, no, I’ll never be like you! I’ll never be like you!”

He jumped onto his levitation ball and began to speed away, heading in a random direction, anywhere, just somewhere that wasn’t here. 

“You can’t run from your own mind Razputin!” She called after him. He shook his head, what did she know? She knew nothing about his mind. 

There were woods on the outskirts of the field, he’d go there. She wouldn’t find him within the trees. He’d hide there. 

Once he was well into the tree line, he hopped off his levitation orb, looking around as he slowly walked forward. The sides of the trees almost looked like faces. He shivered, trying to brush it off and keep going. 

He had to find a way to wake up…

Yeah, this was a dream, a nightmare, not his real mind. He just had to wake up. 

He smacked his face between his hands. “Wake up Razputin, wake up. Come on, wake up-“

His attempts of awakening his mind were foiled by the sound of branches, almost as if they were rubbing together. 

“H-hello?” He turned. “Sasha?! Dad?! Someone?!”

He heard another loud creak, turning to the noise. The wood twisted and contorted like worms in dirt, taking into a face. 

“ I expected better from you. Making a fool out of this organization. ”

“Hol-Hollis?! I said I was sorry…” Raz backed up, tears whelming up in his eyes. “I said I was sorry…”

His back hit another tree. He looked up, seeing the contorted face of his brother look down at him. 

“ Next time you run away, maybe you’ll get farther, and maybe we won’t be able to find you .”

Raz pushed away from the tree. “Dion-!”

“ We’ll be better off when you’re OUT of this family. ”

Raz kept looking around him, looking anywhere for a way out, tears whelming in his eyes as the trees contorted. 

“ You broke your family’s heart, Razputin. You make it so impossible to love you .”

“Mom-?!” Tears streamed down his face as he looked between the trees. 

“ They just made up a title for you cause they felt bad about you fighting Maligula .” The Tholomew tree bellowed with a sick laugh. 

“Stop!” Raz begged, his hands flying to his temples as the trees grew closer. “Please stop! Stop!”

“ You thought you could manipulate another person’s mind, to bend their will to your own. There are few things worse, Razputin ,”

“I said I was sorry!” Raz couldn’t take it anymore. “Stop! STOP! I said I was sorry! I said I was sorry!”

His hands pushed out from his body as he kept his eyes closed. He could hear the branches and logs bend and snap as the voices were drowned, dying away in nothing more but gurgled cries. 

When he opened his eyes, all he could see was water, foaming and frothing all around him as rapid currents destroyed the wooded area. 

“ Razputin !”

“ How could you do this?!”

“ We were family!”

“Mom?! Sasha?!” He watched their terrified wooden faces stare back at him as they were swept away in the waves. “No! Wait!” He threw his hands down in fists, the waves dispersing into water at his ankles. He slowly fell to his knees, tears dripping off his face and into the stagnant water below, making soft ripples. 

“Don’t you see darling? All people do is take. You try and try to help, but they’ll never be satisfied. They’re all just little parasites, wanting to latch on whatever they can to fix the problems they made.”

Long twisted fingers wrapped over his shoulders as he looked down at his reflection. 

She was there, just peeking over his head. 

“Don’t we look so alike?” She asked. His eyes drifted to his face, to the dark streaks that travelled down from his eyes, almost like tears…

“No,” he shut his eyes again. “This is all just a nightmare. I’m…I’m going to wake up now.”

“I agree, you should return to the physical world. You’ll need your rest, mentoring begins next time.” 

He closed his eyes, feeling the water swallow him whole. 

~~~

There was no frightened sit-up in bed, no terrified scream, just Raz slowly opening his eyes and looking around. Sunlight filled the room pleasantly, making things seem warmly illuminated. It was empty, just him, no one else. 

How long had he been sleeping…?

He slipped out of bed, quickly getting ready and leaving the dormitory slowly. He didn’t particularly want anyone to see him, rather he was looking for a secluded conversation.

He entered the lab slowly, looking around and spotting Sasha turned towards his keyboard. He barely noticed Gisu and Norma, only giving them a small wave when they called a greeting over to him.

“Sasha-?”

Sasha didn’t turn back to look at him, but he did wave over his shoulder. “Razputin.”

“Can I,” his jaw tightened as a lump formed in his throat. His voice became rugged and shaky, like ice about to break under pressure. “Can I talk to you?”

Sasha finally turned to him, Raz didn’t expect his expression to turn to a look of shock.

“Yes,” Sasha said, almost as if catching his breath. He turned to his monitor screen, where Otto’s image was displayed. He clicked a button on the monitor. “Otto, something came up, I’ll have to call you back.”

“Of course, of course,” Otto said. “I’ll be here.”

Sasha hung up the call, turning back to Raz, and then glancing over to Norma and Gisu. They quickly turned away, staring at the broken contraption Gisu was fixing.

“Let’s talk in my office,” Sasha said. “Come.”

Raz slowly walked behind him, entering the office. Sasha shut the door behind them, closing the blinds to the windows and sitting in his chair. “Sit,” he said, motioning to the couch against the wall.

Raz slowly sat down, fiddling with the strap of his goggles. 

“What did you want to talk about Razputin?” Sasha asked, lighting a cigarette.

“I…I don’t know…I just know I need to talk to you.” He fiddled with his words. He had rehearsed what he wanted to say on his way over here, but now that he was here, the words left his mind like birds from a wire.

“About?”

Raz swallowed, looking up at the water cooler in the corner. “I…you know about my fear of water,” he said, though it came out like a question. Sasha nodded.

“And you know about my family’s history, my Nona,” he said, now trying to fidget with the bottom of his sweater. If he weren’t wearing gloves he would probably bite his nails.

“I do,” Sasha said. “What about her?”

“I….” Raz looked up at the water cooler again. “I…just feel this power growing inside of me, I think it’s…hydrokinesis.”

Sasha took a pause, studying him for a moment. “Would you mind if I took notes, Razputin?”

“No,” Raz said, watching a notebook and pen hover into Sasha’s hands. 

“Continue.”

“I don’t know what's going on, I just, I try to do it but nothing happens, but when I’m feeling something, like fear or anger, it just happens and I can’t control it. It’s like it’s controlling me.”

It seemed Sasha took notice of his uncomfortable wiggling and fidgeting with his clothes and goggles, a Rubik’s Cube hovered over and dropped gently into his hands. He was grateful, slowly spinning the different sides as he tried to compose his thoughts.

“Sometimes new abilities are untamed,” Sasha said. “Especially for someone your age, and who’s suppressed such a power for so long. Lili is the same way with-”

“This isn’t like that,” Raz muttered. “I can’t explain it, but it's like…something’s inside of me. I don’t know if it’s good or not, but it's powerful, and it scares me.”

Sasha was quiet, but Raz could hear the sound of his pen scratching against paper. “And, what of…?” Sasha made a strange streak down his face with his finger.

“Huh?”

“The markings under your eyes, do those mean anything?”

“What markings?”

Sasha didn’t answer, but a mirror hovered in front of Raz’s face. 

His heart stopped.

The dream, the visions…

The dark purple streaks down his face…

“...no….No…” His hands brushed over his face, as if millions of bugs were crawling all over it, and he was desperate to get them off. His hands hit his face as he clawed at the markings, trying to get them off. “No no no no! No !” 

I’ll never be like her! I’ll never be like her!

“Razputin, calm down-”

A tea kettle was whistling in his head, growing louder and louder as it became too much, too much to take-

He heard the sound of plastic bending, and then-

BANG!

He opened his eyes, gasping and pulling his legs up towards him. The water cooler had been destroyed, with that corner soaking wet. Raz couldn’t hear, the ringing in his mind splitting into a headache. 

His eyes drifted down, towards the Rubik’s Cube on the ground.

Someone was whispering in his head, but in the outside world, someone else was calling to him.

He snapped back, gasping for air like his lungs were full of water. 

He looked up at Sasha, who was standing now over him, concerned and-

-was that fear…?

No, no it couldn’t be. Sasha would never be afraid of him. 

Would he?

“Sasha…” he said quietly. “I’m sorry…”

“It’s alright.” Sasha slowly relaxed again, sitting back down and offering the Rubik’s Cube back to him. “That’s what this conversation is for.”

Raz took the Rubik’s Cube again, trying to settle his heartbeat as he nodded. 

Sasha slowly crossed his legs again.“I think I’d like to take another look inside your mind, if that’s alright with you Razputin.”

“I don’t mind.” In fact, Raz was more than willing to let someone inside his mind to sort this out.

He took the Psycho Door from his bag, slowly hovering it up to his forehead and opening the door. 

~~~

It was just the same as last time. 

Just an open empty field of nothing, except for a few small pools of water. Not even the sign was there. 

Raz looked around, feeling like he was sinking in mud. Why was there nothing here yet?! Why was it so empty and wet and cold-?!

Where was the forest?! Where was anything?!

His hands clenched into fists. 

“Sasha.” He said aggravated. “Why isn’t anything here?”

“I suppose it’s a time of change,” Sasha said. “Though, I am a bit puzzled, I won’t lie.”

“Puzzled?”

“Yes, there’s not even a censor here. No doubts, no figments, no emotional baggage. I don’t know where they might all be,” Sasha said. “Usually the mind constructs something at least a little temporary to store all these ideas.”

“Is that…bad?” Raz asked a little nervously. 

“It can be. Usually censors are highly present in a mind undergoing such drastic change, but I don’t see a single one here.” Sasha looked around the open plain. “Have you had any dreams?”

Dreams…?

“Uh…” Raz crossed his arms over his chest and looked away. “They’re more like nightmares.”

“Nightmares?” Sasha turned to him. “What happens in these nightmares?”

“Well…” Raz swallowed. “Sasha, can…can psychic constructs and beings hop between minds?”

“No, they shouldn’t be able to,” Sasha said. “All psychic constructs are tied to the mind they came from, no hopping between minds. Why?”

“I had this nightmare,” Raz sat on his levitation ball. “It was like a memory I didn’t have, it was someone else’s memory, my great aunt’s. I was her and I pulled my sister out of the floods of Grulovia. I think I had killed her,” Raz clenched his hands in his lap tightly. The face of his sister in that nightmare still hung in the dark corners of his mind. 

“And then, last night, the reason I came to see you—” Raz squeezed his eyes shut. “—I had a dream where…where…” he couldn’t get it out. “…she came to visit me. You know who.” Raz looked down at his hands tightly knit together. “I tried to get away but I just…” he felt hot tears crowding his eyes. 

“It’s okay,” Sasha gently placed a hand on his shoulder. “It’s alright Raz.”

Raz reached his hands up and rubbed them over his face to get the tears away. Psychonauts didn’t cry. 

“I’ll help you get through this,” Sasha said. “I promise.”

~~~

Returning to Sasha’s room made Raz look around slowly, slowly peeling the portal from his head and placing it back in his bag. 

“I want to see you once a week,” Sasha said, already standing and writing more on his clipboard. “And I want you to start a record of your dreams, good or bad.”

“A record…?”

“A dream journal,” Sasha said. “You can use one of my empty books.”

A small notebook hovered into Raz’s hands, he slowly stuffed it into his bag. 

“Try to avoid water until we understand what more is happening,” Sasha said. “And get lots of rest. I’ll inform Agent Forsythe you’re currently unavailable for assignments-“

“What?” Raz turned back to him. 

“It wouldn’t be good for you to hop into minds currently Raz,” Sasha explained. “Not until we sort whatever this is out.”

“But…but what will I do instead-?!”

“Lend a hand around the Motherlobe,” Sasha offered. “Or spend time with your family. But no minds, understand?”

“I guess…” Raz slowly stood up. 

“Good,” Sasha said. He pulled a Psi-Pop from his desk drawer, offering it to Raz, who accepted with a ‘thanks!’.

“I’m going to return to my work but, if you need anything at all, you know where to find me.”

“Thanks Sasha,” Raz said, slowly pulling the wrapper from his pop. 

~~~

Raz was like his father in many ways, though he would never consciously admit to it. He knew he got his positive outlook on life from him, and his sense of humor from him, but the greatest thing he got from him was his self-isolation in times of emotional distress. 

Raz liked to be alone in these moments, especially after talking to someone else. It was a nice moment to reflect on-

-everything. 

His entire life had changed in the short span of three days and yet it felt like an entire lifetime of change. 

It was like surging millions of gallons of water through a small tiny funnel, slowly dripping into the boiling water pot of understanding. 

He brought his knees up to his chin and hugged his legs. 

He brought his goggles down slowly, pulling one away from his eye to look in at what little reflection he could see. 

It was mostly his eye enlarged against the glass, but he could see the dark purple streaks under his eyes. 

How does a dream affect reality?

“Hey, Raz-“

He quickly pushed his goggles back into place, releasing his legs. “Lili-?”

Lili slowly sat next to him. “Hi.” Her eyebrows were knitted partially in concern. 

“Hi…” Raz said, trying to echo what he thought he would sound like normally. “How’d you find me?”

“Tholomew came and told me. He said you looked upset.”

Tholomew?

Tholomew who hated him?

Who he hadn’t seen since their team-building exercise with Milla?

Why would Tholomew tell Lili where he was? And that he looked…lonely?

His mind drifted back to them sitting on the cliffside, throwing chunks of mind into the void and ranting about their problems. 

That seemed like ages ago. 

But it was barely yesterday. 

“I know, I’m amazed too,” she said with a slight laugh, her smile fading when Raz didn’t laugh along, only offering a pitiful smile. 

“I wanted to talk to you.”

“I know, I know, believe me,” Raz said, running his hand down his face. “I’ve already talked to Sasha about it.”

“Well, I wanted to ask you, as a friend,” Lili said, slowly putting her hand on his shoulder. “Are you okay…?”

Are you okay?

There was that twisting feeling inside again, like a storm that was tearing up trees and houses. 

He wanted to tell her, he wanted so badly to tell her. He wanted to tell her all of it but—

He couldn’t do that to himself again. It was so hard to talk about. 

He slowly leaned back, his hands covering his face as he tried to control his tears. “I’m fine.”

“ Raz. ”

He clenched his eyes tighter. “I’m…so tired…”

He didn’t mean for his voice to sound so broken, so fragile. He felt bad for telling her, for how his voice sounded. 

But the faucet was loose now. 

“I got everything I ever wanted-“ his hands slowly melted to his sides as he leaned back against the roof of the Psycho-Isolation chamber. 

“-I’m a Psychonaut. I got to go on so many adventures, but…but…”

There was something boiling up in his throat. 

“I’m just so tired…” it was all he could do to describe it. “And I feel so empty…”

He looked up at the clouds floating lazily across the sky. “I shouldn’t feel this way, but…”

He felt Lili clutch his hand, gripping like she was holding him up from the edge of a cliff. 

“It’s okay to feel that way.”

Raz took a long deep breath in. 

“You went through a lot Raz,” Lili said, slowly laying down beside him. “You did more in one week then I’ve seen a single Psychonaut do in a lifetime. It’s okay to want a break from it.”

Raz couldn’t answer her, or look at her. He didn’t want to cry in front of her, he didn’t want her to feel bad. 

He just kept looking up at the clouds. 

“That one looks like a pigeon,” Lili said, pointing up at a cloud with an arched body and a hump for wings. 

“A pigeon?”

Raz let the smile grow over his face. Yeah, it did look like a pigeon, flying far away from here. 

“That one looks like a squirrel,” he said, pointing to the one to the right with a long curved tail. 

“You’re so right!”

Lili laughed, and Raz found himself laughing with her. He never wanted this moment to end, he wished it could go on forever. 

Maybe then he’d feel better.