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Shades of magenta and orange bleed into the clouds as the sun sets and the wind runs through the grass. On an admiral-blue blanket, greedy hands roamed a tan body. While fawn hands fumbled through silk-like hair, tangled tongues and heat occupied the space in between the trees. Their legs move around each other as they crave for more, making their food scatter. Spending time entangled in one another was nothing unusual for Mark and Donghyuck. They could be drunk, or they could be sober, but no matter what, they would become one. Although, under the blue moonlight, Donghyuck couldn’t bear the sight of Mark as he took off his shirt. His skin shone, and the beads of sweat made his hair stick. Donghyuck wished for so much, and he got so little. As his thoughts ran wild and Mark’s face moved closer to his, he felt the need to throw up. He sat up abruptly, pushing Mark back onto his calves. Mark looked at Donghyuck with dismay, as he ran his fingers through his brown hair, hyperventilating.
“Are you good?” rolls off Mark’s tongue as he leans forward on his palms and knees. Donghyuck’s eyes are pressed tight as he told himself, ‘It’s all good. Don’t ruin this.’. With the knowledge that this is the only time Mark will lay his lips on his, this is the only time he’ll love him; he brings himself to a safe space is his sea of thoughts. He knew it wasn’t the right time to be with Mark. His anxiety was creeping upon him as his inner demons spoke sweet lies to him. Donghyuck whispered ‘Red’ under his breath, and his eyes fluttered up to the sparkling voids filled with concern then back down to the bare skin exposed to the chill night winds. He searched all of the boy hovering over him, taking in the view.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry, I ruined the moment.”
Within the silence, Mark gave liberation to a heavy breath that was settling in his stomach.
“You’re not fine. Just sit down and talk to me, okay?”
He stated it as a declaration rather than an invitation. And, the huff and stoic expression on Mark’s face, results in Donghyuck abruptly grabbing his jacket and keys.
“Hey, where are you going? You’re tipsy, and it’s midnight. It’s not safe.”
Mark scoffs as he stands up to catch the now running body. He speeds up, resulting in slips on the grass’ dew. Donghyuck had almost reached the car, but Mark had reached out for him. His slender fingers were wrapped around Donghyuck’s wrist while his eyes were locked onto his unreadable expression.
“So, are you going to tell me what’s up?”
Mark’s head tilted to left, and with exaggeration, Donghyuck tilted his to the right. With that, Mark let the context of the situation slip his mind, and he rolled his eyes while clicking his tongue. If Donghyuck wasn’t mad before, he was now. He snatched his wrist away and began to be honest to the taller blackhead for the first time in years.
“What’s up, Minhyung, is that you only care when you get something out of it. If this were any other time, you’d tell me ‘it could be worse, just smile, hyuck.’ with a stupid ass grin on your face, using your dumb ‘pretty boy charm’ to make me feel bad for complaining in the first place.”
Donghyuck’s fingers curled into air quotations as he looked at Mark. He never called Mark by that name, and those two syllables were the sound of Donghyuck detaching a piece of himself. He carried bags of tears on his shoulders as he left a dumbfounded Mark behind on the green field.
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Donghyuck thought it’d be challenging to cut Mark off and ignore his feelings. Yet, here he was sitting in the pool happier than ever. He was like an angel whose wings have been freed. The fluorescent lights bouncing off the water stuck to his skin. His smile was blinding everyone around. Donghyuck was throwing his fifth party this month. He felt relieved that even though inside he could hear Mark, he couldn’t see him, and most of all couldn’t touch him. As chatter stuck to the sweat in the air, Donghyuck could be seen pushing a shot down his throat in an attempt to shut his mind off. All he needed was one second of silence within himself. In the moments he lets his thoughts run wild, he remembers things he tries to suppress. Moments he holds sacred.
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That first kiss. It was magical like everyone had said it’d be, and it was utterly overwhelming for Donghyuck. At least the part he remembers. As every kiss following, he had been intoxicated. Yet, this moment was heaven to him. Such paradise, he got lost in himself, forgetting the way the future had turned the second their lips met. And, if Donghyuck had known it would’ve affected him now, he wouldn’t have enjoyed the taste of gin and skittles on Mark’s lips as much as he did at the time. He wouldn’t have enjoyed the warmth that spread throughout his body or how breathless he felt as he looked into Mark’s barely open eyes under the yellow street lamp. Donghyuck wouldn’t have enjoyed any of it. But, he did.
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That first gaze. Donghyuck thought he was the only one who carried the memories of that night, but when across the room, he felt eyes searing through his neck, he knew. With a crack of his vertebrae, his eyes locked with Mark’s, causing them to deter. He swallowed hard, his eyes scanned the page aimlessly. Mark just quietly stared at the now frozen boy. If Donghyuck had known to acknowledge that moment meant he’d be where he was. He wouldn’t have said he remembered. He wouldn’t have let Mark enter his heart, and he wouldn’t have let his lips touch his again. But, he did.
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The first touch. Like many close friends, Mark and Donghyuck spent time at each other’s residence often. This day in specific, they were having a game and movie night. They spared awkward glances and hesitant grazes of fingers the entire time. This push and pull game continued until Mark got the courage to grab Donghyuck’s arm and pull him into his chest. They looked into each other’s eyes, taking in the proximity and the heat of the moment. This simple action led to an hour of sloppy kisses and roaming hands. Donghyuck knew at that moment, something had changed in their relationship, but he wouldn’t utter a word. All he wanted was for Mark to love him as he loved him for years. If he knew it would have to lead to losing Mark possibly forever, he wouldn’t have kept quiet. But, he did.
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These moments filled Donghyuck’s every second; every train of thought brings him to a new avenue of disaster. He knows he shouldn’t miss him and he knows he shouldn’t love him how he does, but something about Mark’s essence has a hold on his heart.
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“Hey Donghyuck, you there?”
Said boy shook his head, trying to move away from the thoughts, before locking eyes with Renjun.
“Yeah, I’m good, I’m here.’ He testified, sighing before leaning back against the pool’s ledge.
“Wanna clear out the rest of the home, it’s nearing midnight.”
“Sure, that sounds good to me, who’s left, just the team and our close friends?”
Renjun nodded in agreement, slowly pulling himself out of the steaming pool. Donghyuck just looked at him and followed suit with a sigh, drying his hair in the process.
“Hey, let’s clear it out now, it’s getting late and almost all have left for god knows what.”
He made known that only the hockey team could leave, as he saw Johnny trying to slip out with the rest, wanting to avoid the clean-up work they needed to do.
Cleaning took way less time than he thought it would and Donghyuck quickly showered and plopped face-first into his bed, falling fast.
Despite today being a Saturday, Hyuck was up at five am to turn in an assignment due at seven that he hadn’t started. He had, for himself at least built up this facade he was doing okay, but he nearly failed a test for a subject he has a 104 percent in. He honestly needs to leave his bed, get fresh air but he’s as stubborn as a horse. Renjun has been trying for weeks, per Mark’s request he was at his door going on his last attempt to force his friend to cope healthily. Renjun knocked many times before Donghyuck even noticed the sound, drool slipping out his mouth and covering his hand instead submitting the fifty-point report sitting in front of him. He quickly jumped up and down the stairs, leaning against the door, jokily flirting with his friend, who just pushed his way inside.
“I have to get to work but I wanted to invite you to karaoke night at the cafe, it’s not really karaoke but you get the point. Lucas bailed on me and I don’t want to go alone. So, please?”
Donghyuck pursed his lips together, scratching the back of his arm, before reluctantly speaking.
“What time? I’ll go.”
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The smell of coffee and warm bodies filled the cafe as the acts for tonight set up. Drums, a guitar, and a mic was brought onto the stage, and people slowly gave attention to the host getting ready to announce the first band of the night. Donghyuck barely paid any notice to what was going on around him. He talked with Renjun and played around with the string of his sweater while facing away from the stage. Cheers, chatter, and mellow songs mixed into the environment, and Donghyuck finally relaxed into the atmosphere. Renjun, the driver of the two, had insisted they stay to the end despite Donghyuck’s many protests, so he looked onto the stage to see something that piqued his interest. The last performer only had a guitar and a projector? He watched the platform until he spaced out and turned his chair back around.
“Took what we had and I blew it up, Never wanted to do it, Now we're living in ruins”
Mark began, and his eyes searched the back of Donghyuck’s head as he twirled his fingers around his straw; unknowing.
“But you still say you're mine. Doing my best to win back your love. I may not deserve it. I swear that it's worth it.”
Renjun knows Donghyuck is spacing out, but he won’t say anything in fear that he’ll ruin what Mark is planning.
“Doing my best to win back your trust. I know it's gonna take some time.”
Some college friends begin to catch on as Mark’s focus is centered on Donghyuck and Donghyuck only. In the background, countless memories of the years spent together showing like a ridiculously cute coming-of-age movie.
“Here I am on my knees, picking up all the pieces of what I did. But as long as you're mine. Oh, I promise that I'll take what you can give.”
They laugh, they listen, they understand each other, and it’s all seen in the way Mark stares at Donghyuck and how his voice cracks when he sings. It shows in the video where they hold hands like no friend would, where they smile like no friend would, where nothing but pure love fills the moment.
“So today I'm living for the little victories, anything to get us back to where we used to be. 'Cause tomorrow might be hell, might be hell, and there's nobody, nobody else.”
To everyone looking upon, the tension was obvious, they knew that Donghyuck was painfully unaware, and it ripped them apart. Even Renjun was lost. So, he tapped Donghyuck and snapped him out of his world.
“Hey, Loverboy’s up there trying to tell you that he’s sorry,” Donghyuck blinked as his way of refreshing and turned towards Renjun.
“Wait. What?”
Renjun sighed and looked at his friend with a hint of desperation and pity.
“Turn around.”
Renjun tilts his head towards the front, pressing some pressure on Donghyuck’s shoulder, causing him to turn 180 degrees.
“You might not be ready to let me in. If there's hope of together, I'll stay here forever. You might not be ready to share my bed, but you finally looked at me again.”
His face changed and swallowed his heart, Mark kept singing and held a small smile with hope lying beneath every chord. Instrumental began to play and Mark pulled out a slip of paper. Everyone slowly became confused until the words spewed out in fear.
“This is the story of the boy who held my heart in his own.
At a point in my life, I firmly believed in the phrase; Love is overrated, but one day I met someone who bewitched me. Although I viewed love through closed eyes, time brought my heart and mind to a consensus. Everything about him made me weak, yet I never let myself see that and eventually used him until he broke. I’m here to say he waltzed into my life and that, I’m grateful for, because I’m in love with him. I’m in love with all the details he holds in his gaze. The way he carried himself and the way only his voice rang in my mind at night. How I crave to hear his voice in the loudest rooms. To me, he’s the final chord to my song.”