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He tipped a beer back without tasting it. There wasn't much point. He couldn't feel it either. He supposed it was just nostalgia. With a tight smile, he poured a bit of it onto the ground.
"For you, brother," he murmured.
Dean did not have a grave, not really. They had salted and burned the body, had given him a proper hunter's funeral, though not before Sam had laid him out for several nights and kept watch. For the Winchesters, the word wake took on its original meaning. But God and Sam Winchester had let the man have his peace this time. There was no way to know what that meant for Dean. Heaven, Benny guessed, though Sam wondered at times. Castiel had assured them that Dean's soul was safe in Heaven, but they knew Dean had made him promise to say that no matter what, so it meant very little. Sam simply told Castiel that if Dean was not safe in Heaven or at least tearing up Purgatory, he had better be prepared to invade Hell for the third time. Castiel had smirked and responded that Crowley's heir had no intention of letting Dean Winchester's soul in the door.
So that left Heaven and Purgatory.
Sam was oddly okay with the idea that his brother might have been just enough of a monster in the end to have gone to that place where he and Benny had first met and fought together. Benny had gently asked about it, and Sam had smiled.
"Benny, Dean was a warrior. If his choices were sit and drink beers at the Roadhouse with Ash, Pamela, Bobby and Dad for eternity, or to live in constant combat, I honestly don't know what he'd pick. Castiel would never leave him to burn. So the other choices? They aren't so bad."
That was so long ago now.
Benny stood above the circle of rocks in the woods of Lebanon, Kansas, pouring some out for an old friend. He would need to return to the bunker soon, to check on Sam. But for now, he wanted to pretend his old buddy was there with him, that Dean could hear the pain in his voice.
"It's too hard, brother." His voice was unsteady, but it didn't matter. "I can't. It was hard enough losing you. And there's that chance I might be with you again, fighting alongside you like we did. But Sam's gonna go any day now, brother, and I just can't. It's too hard."
The circle of unmarked rocks did not respond.
"I been good, Dean," he laughed bitterly. "It was never easy, but I been good. Mostly because I didn't want to let you down, and because Sam had faith in me when he shouldn't have. And now he's gonna go any day, and..."
He stared through his dark glasses at treetops.
"Dean, I finally said it. I shouldn't have. I know that. It cost him something to hear it. But I couldn't help it. I asked him to let me turn him."
The tears flowed out now. He knew Dean would not mind.
"He just shook his head and closed his eyes, and it made me so angry. I was so desperate, and he just closed his eyes."
He remembered his shouted words. Benny had never raised his voice to Sam, and now, at the very end, here he was shouting at him.
"Is it that repulsive to you? What I am? You know it can be managed because you've helped me do it for years! It ain't easy, but it don't mean you gotta hurt people! So is it just that disgusting, that wrong?"
Sam had reached for his hand. "No, Benny," he rasped hoarsely. "You are beautiful."
It hurt. And he couldn't help feeling angry. "Don't. You been sickened by what I am in all the time I knew you. Dean, he looked past it when I fought by his side. You pretended when you wanted to, but you never thought of it as anything but evil. After all these years, after everything we been to each other, I'm still just something you used to hunt!"
Sam's eyes were covered over with the same fog that was slowly eating the rest of him. But at least he had the decency to open them. "Benny, stop."
He wanted to stop. Wanted Sam's last days-hell, his last hours-to be peaceful. But it hurt too much.
With Dean it had been sudden. After that, the angel had visited less and less until he came now only if they called to him. Benny suspected it was too painful to see one brother without the other.
But Sam's end had come in agonizing bits and pieces, and there was entirely too much time to think. To know he had a cure running through his own blood, and yet it was too tainted for a man like Sam Winchester.
So he didn't stop. It hurt too much for that to be the final word. "All right, hero," he snapped. It was the word he had not drawn out in years, the one he used to sling at Sam whenever he suspected the hunter was judging him. It produced a flinch in the man now. But he continued. "Too much a hero for my blood. Fine. So let me turn you, let it cure you, then we'll use your grandpappy's recipe and turn you back. Health and holy righteousness. Don't get no better than that. Even the angel couldn't disagree with that."
Sam struggled to push himself to sit, and Benny's anger dissipated with a breath. He helped the man sit up, dry sobs trying to crush him. But Sam's own voice and throat were clear. "Benny, no."
Now that Sam was steady, he let go and fell to his knees beside the bed and broke down completely. He could feel Sam's hand in his hair, soothing him without a word. "I ain't no angel," he reminded Sam bitterly through his tears. "I don't need your permission. You could hate me, but you'd be alive."
"You know you won't do that."
A strangled noise came from his throat then. "No. Lord, help me, no, I can't."
"Benny, I've spent my whole life failing to redeem myself. Every time I thought I had, I'd only find a way to soak my soul in violence and anger again. First it was Lilith that was going to bring me redemption. After the pit, Cas brought me back, and the first chance I got, I polluted my vessel with acts I can't forgive myself for. I got my soul back, but when the wall came down, that all became a part of who I am. The trials might have finally done it. But I gave up."
"You ever forgive Dean for that?" Benny whispered.
"Of course. Wasn't his fault. It was mine. Then when he turned? The things I did to try to find him...Those are just the big ones, Benny. And the worst part is that I should have been dead since Azazel's Hunger Games. Dean, long before that, when he got electrocuted, gave himself a heart attack frying a redcap. I've cheated Death too many times, Benny. And I won't do it this time. Why do you think I didn't let Cas heal me? It's why he came. But instead, I just told him goodbye."
"And it's my turn?"
A large, thin, white hand covered his. "Benny, I don't know how long I have. Cas gave his usual not-a-human-doctor speech, but he said maybe a week at most. I feel good, Benny. And that can't be a good sign. I want to spend the last days with you. And I don't want to fight about this. I won't let you turn me. It isn't about being a monster, Benny. I've been that my whole life. It's about cheating Death when it's finally time to greet Him like the old friend He is."
Benny lowered his head to rest it on their joined hands, and wept, while Sam soothed his hair and murmured patiently.
The old vamp swallowed the rest of his beer and let his tears fall as he gazed back down at the stones that represented his war buddy. "So that's it. I'm going back in, and I'm not coming out till he's gone. I'll give him the same wake he gave you, and then the same burn. And then I'm heading for your friend Garth, who promised he'd send me back to our old hunting grounds, where I don't have time to think. He swore to give me a quick death, and to burn up what's left so there ain't no coming back a third time. After all these years, I'll be the monster I'm supposed to be again. Just wanted to come say goodbye, brother. Thanks for everything."