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That Sunday, Lee Dong Sik wore a particular shirt he had always kept for special occasion. It was his good-luck shirt – beige coloured with no other decorations. A bit over-sized for his body. He overlaid the shirt with a sweater then a bomber jacket because the air was unbelievably cold that month that he could not even get out to garden without two layers of clothing, which was quite unusual for him since he was always known to be able to withstand cold.
His phone suddenly rang alive, he glanced over from the mirror to his glowing phone screen.
Fiancé – it read.
He picked it up and was immediately greeted by warm good morning and how are you. He smiled. He had always found his voice to be calming – even during his most stressful days.
He finally bid goodbye after a short small talk, telling his fiancé he was late for lunch. He rushed down the stairs, out to the front gate, and into his car before starting the engine and drove away.
They decided to meet in a fancy restaurant somewhere in the middle of Seoul – within the courtesy of the young man – because Dong Sik would never voluntarily go to one of those kinds of restaurants where you pay more for a fraction of normal portion food.
Dong Sik fiddled with his fingers relentlessly as he mustered up the courage to get off his car and into the lavish-looking restaurant.
It took him half an hour of breathing in and breathing out, running his fingers through his hair, and shaking his legs before he could slide off from behind the wheel, push open the restaurant grand door, and be escorted to his seat by a lovely lady from the front table.
He looked up when the lady told him that they had reached his seat, and when he did, there he was, the young man who had disappeared into thin air one day and was never heard of anymore.
There he was, sitting down, sipping his red wine, and alive.
Dong Sik thanked the lady and sat down in front of the young man. He could feel how the air around him suddenly fell heavy. It pushed him down and made him feel so small, so small and no significance, no significance and dumb.
Why was he here again? His mind frantically looked for an answer. He was here to tell the young man about the news right? But for what? The young man had been gone for so long he must not care anymore. Oh. It was for pleasant exchange of life updates, right? But for what? The young man would have returned all texts and calls from everyone if he had cared enough.
“Lee Dong Sik-ssi, it’s nice to meet you after so long,” Ju Won finally said with a soft smile plastered across his face. The same kind of smile like the last time they saw each other on that bridge back in Manyang.
“It’s about time, you know? Everyone wants to know what you have been up to,” Dong Sik found himself being too honest with his line, “you just picked up and left.”
“I figured I needed some time away. After all, there wasn’t anything to do for me here,” Ju Won answered. Still the same as he ever was.
“Some time is 6 months or a year, not 3 whole years, Han Ju Won.”
Ju Won chuckled. That laughter. Oh, how much Dong Sik missed it.
A part of Dong Sik was surprised to hear his laughter, because he was expecting a more reserved version of the young man to show up, after all, it had been years since they last saw each other. He did not expect for the same Han Ju Won whom had slowly taken down the walls around him to be there that evening.
“How hard is it to reply to a text, you punk? Everyone was worried, you know. You should give them all a call or something,” Dong Sik said, both his elbows on the table.
“I will, I was already planning, too.”
Their conversation was then cut short by a waitress coming to take their order. The waitress then offered if Dong Sik would like a glass of wine and he said he would have whatever the man across him was having. The waitress gave him a nod accompanied by a smile and retreated back into the kitchen where she gave the order to the chef.
“Are you to be wed, Lee Dong Sik-ssi?” Ju Won said almost instantly when the waitress turned her heels on them (it seemed he was already staring at the ring for some time).
Dong Sik looked down to his hand, which was openly placed on top of the table, making his engagement ring even more visible.
For once, he could feel how his inside was starting to burn up. The very reason why he wanted to meet Ju Won may be the same reason he is going to have a heaving pain on his chest.
He looked back to Ju Won, ears perked up as he waited for an answer from him. And in moment like that he wished he could read Ju Won’s thoughts.
“Ah, yes. I’ve been wanting to tell you, but again, you’re not one to return texts or calls. I’m getting married in two months,” Dong Sik answered, the words felt painful to be spoken.
“Ah, I see. Congratulations,” Ju Won said.
Although his answer was too short to Dong Sik’s liking, he brushed it off because that would have been the answer if he had been talking to the reserved Ju Won.
So, he just nodded and drank his wine that was just delivered in front of him.
“He’s in the force, too.”
“Oh. How’s everyone else, then?”
Dong Sik gulped. Reserved Ju Won, it was.
“Good, good as usual. Ji Hwa pretty much rose through the rank, Jae Yi opened a new shop, Jeong Je just got out and he seemed better for some reason. Everyone else is still doing what they have been doing, but maybe in a better magnitude,” Dong Sik rambled while his finger traced the rim of the wine-glass, “you know, you should stop by Manyang.”
“I would, but I can’t stay long, I have booked my flight back.”
“Your flight back?”
“Yes, to the States.”
“Yah,” Dong Sik exclaims, “is that where you ran off to all this time?”
Ju Won nodded, his lips pressed together.
“for the longest time we thought you were just in a suburb somewhere,” Dong Sik scoffed, “you really are a punk. Took off so far and not a single word,” Dong Sik continued as he folded his arms in front of his chest.
“Here is your food, gentlemen,” the waitress came with their food in hands. She then placed each plate of steak in front of them and wished them a good meal.
They ate in silence for a while.
“I’m sorry I wouldn’t be able to come to your wedding,” Ju Won broke the ice-cold silence.
Right. The wedding.
“Ah, it’s okay. It won’t be a grand one, anyway.”
“Okay.”
-
Dong Sik cried in his car that afternoon. His good-luck shirt was not so lucky after all.
He thought he would be able to handle it, seeing the young man again after such long dreadful years without his presence. He also thought his feelings for him were long gone – like ashes carried by the wind, something that could not be undone.
But he was wrong. It was never gone. It was still somewhere inside him. And now he was afraid it would persist to exist.
He cried, for all the what-ifs that were haunting him, for all the should-haves, and for all the possibilities of being with him. All these things were now phantom of his past, something that was now certain would never happen.
All the restless nights he had spent waiting at his front porch for if Ju Won would randomly show up and tell him that he already spent enough time away to forgive and allow himself to be with Dong Sik now. Or for all the times he went through his database to look for any movement of him. Or for all the times he drove past his apartment thinking that he might pass him on the street.
All those silly little routines were nothing, like white paint on a white canvas. Ju Won was long gone that time, hid himself in the States while Dong Sik stressfully looked for him, in every nooks and crannies in South Korea.
He felt so insignificant in Ju Won’s life now, almost little to nothing of importance.
Dong Sik took a deep breath and told himself to accept the fact that he was in the wrong for assuming that Ju Won shared the same feelings as he.
And what was he expecting, anyway? He was about to get married in two months, and he was old enough to know that sudden love declaration after a long time of being away from each other is only a tale of fiction. And so he thought again,
And I guess if he wanted me, he really would have showed.
-
Han Ju Won was never good at processing his feelings let alone professing it. it had always been his breaking point.
And it broke him even more when he saw the ring on Dong Sik’s finger. He swore he could feel the ground below him shatter.
He should have not been gone for so long, he should have come back for Christmas last year then maybe he could be the one holding Dong Sik.
He did not even bother asking for his fiancé’s name. Or did Dong Sik mention his name but he was just too busy holding himself down to notice?
He packed his bag that night after the lunch with Dong Sik. He felt like he needed to get out of there as soon as possible or he would get more upset.
He called the airline that night, too. He asked them if they could move forward his flight, and fortunately, there was an available seat for an early morning flight the next day. He confirmed his changes and ended the call before tossing his phone to the bed.
-
Ju Won watched the gate meticulously for the whole time he was waiting to board his flight.
He thought he saw Dong Sik running through the gate but it was just a guy wearing a similar kind of bomber jacket like the one Dong Sik often wore. He also thought another guy’s voice was Dong Sik’s when he was passing by a duty-free store.
He thought many things were Dong Sik.
And then the boarding call was announced.
Everyone hastily got up to board the plane but he stayed stationary. His mind had convinced him that he should count to ten before getting up because within that span of one to ten, Dong Sik would somehow show up.
But he did not. Of course he did not.
He was about to get married, a holy bond to someone else. Dong Sik would definitely never break something precious for someone that he knew for a short while, someone that he even had no idea had feelings for him.
He looked past his shoulder again before entering the portable hallway which connected the gate to the plane. He counted to ten again.
It still did not summon Lee Dong Sik.
He sighed and thought to himself,
And I guess if my wishes came true, it would have been you.