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Childe should have known, truly.
—-
when he first met you, you were full of life. a calm but happy smile graced your face whenever anyone passed, including him.
but when he saw your real smile, that’s when he was done for.
he had run directly into you, making everything drop. you had cursed yourself, bending down and grabbing the fallen papers and artifacts.
they weren’t in order anymore, but you had time.
what you weren’t expecting was for the person you bumped into to offer his help.
you had looked up at him with your friendly smile, thanking him but not wanting to keep him.
he didn’t take no for an answer, instead leading you to a table near Chef Mao and insisting on buying you something.
it ended up just being tea, but the gesture was more than you had expected.
when he set the cup down in front of you, he had finally seen what many have. but it never affected them the way it had him.
your eyes sparkled and were filled with true happiness, making his heart stutter.
once you had organized everything again, you clutched them to your chest with a newfound passion, dumping the artifacts in your bag.
you ran off to work, thanking him again.
—-
you kept bumping into each other.
not literally anymore, but either by your fault or his own, your paths kept crossing.
it became something more after a while, much to both of your dismays. you had work on your plate, he had the Tsaritsa breathing down his back.
but you made it work.
—-
it feels like it’s been forever since Childe saw your true smile.
it likely had been, given how distraught you looked recently.
you consistently had to be anywhere and everywhere for work, just as he did.
it weighed down on both of you.
no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t see that smile. it was always a graceful one, with no emotion behind it other than sadness.
he tried so hard to make you feel better, but it didn’t seem to be working no matter what he tried.
it made him upset that he couldn’t fix whatever was happening, so he did his best to distract himself from the overwhelming guilt he felt from failing you.
unbeknownst to him, that only made it worse.
—-
sometimes, you find yourself staring at the cliff outside of Liyue.
Childe never noticed, not that he would if he was there.
—-
he still sleeps in the bed with you, curled around you as much as he can be.
that feels like the only normal part of your life that’s still there.
your work was weighing on your shoulders, constantly being given more and more to take home.
instead of having Childe there to help you calm down and maybe help, he’s gone.
you sit at his desk, wondering when the relationship went stale for him. when he’s going to let you go.
why does he still share the bed with you? are you that pathetic?
you shake your head and get back to work, the tears hitting your skin.
—-
it’s not like he’s ever going to see anyway.
that’s what you think to yourself as the knife glides along your skin.
you trace little patterns, carefully picking apart old ones and making new ones.
your stomach hurts.
you bandage yourself up, and place a sweater over your body before climbing into bed.
as always, he crawls in behind you.
—-
he has to go do something.
‘oh.’ is all you can bring yourself to say. ‘come back safe.’
he’s not coming back.
you smile and wave him off, kissing him as he leaves the door. it’s the least you can do for him, right?
once he’s gone, you crawl back into bed and sob.
he’s making the right choice for himself.
—-
the bandages come off of you, you picking at the skin, making them bleed again.
it’s not the same.
—-
Childe didn’t leave.
he wasn't called away.
he’s not stupid, even he can tell it’s getting worse.
instead, he sits behind the house, making sure he can hear you from the bedroom.
after about an hour, when the world is dark, he can hear you leave the house.
when he raises his head to the bedroom window, he can see a note.
he smashes through the window, uncaring about the glass in his fingers.
‘i’m sorry. you dealt with me for too long, and i understand that you may never see this, as you may never come back.’
the rest of the note is lost to him as he shoves it in his pocket and runs after you.
—-
it’s hard to climb up to the cliff.
your fingers hurt, but all you can do is promise yourself that it won’t hurt soon. that everything will be ok.
it’s dark out so you can barely see anyway. at some point, even your shoes feel too constricting, so you take them off, leaving them on the ledge.
they’d just get lost anyway.
—-
Childe knows you’ve been looking at that cliff, he’s not stupid.
your gaze would fall on it every time you left the house.
he runs that way, carefully looking for any sign of you.
he sees someone on one of the highest ledges, throwing something in anger.
but you don’t notice him, instead turning back around and struggling to get up the cliffs.
he’s careful not to be seen by you, instead climbing up as quickly and quietly as possible.
when the both of you finally make it to the top, he’s almost directly behind you.
your sweater is starting to feel constricting. thankfully, you wore your least favorite one so your blood wouldn’t stain it when you put it on over the bandages.
not that it really matters.
you take it off and throw it on the ground. maybe someone else will come up here and find it?
you didn’t notice the hands picking it up as soon as you walk past it.
you wish you had gotten here sooner, so you could have seen the sunset.
no matter.
it’s still peaceful at night. still lonely.
it’ll be better like this, you're sure.
the water below may not kill you, but drowning will if the impact isn’t enough.
just as you’re about to get to the ledge, something grabs you and shoves you to the ground.
your head is caught by them, but your chest still makes impact. you wheeze at the sudden movement, coughing slightly.
once you’re flat on the ground, the hand under your head is placed on top of it, the other on your back and something pressing down against your middle.
you look up to see Childe.
‘get off of me!’ you scream, trying to claw your way away from him.
‘no.’ he says, pulling your sweater back over your head. it’s too cold for you to be out here without it. you thrash and yell, but he doesn’t move.
your arms are covered again, but you know he saw.
‘just let me do this!’ you yell, trying your hardest to turn over and push him off of you.
he doesn’t let you, shoving your shoulders into the ground.
‘no.’ you can hear his voice getting weaker.
you didn’t think he’d see you like this, and he didn’t think you’d gotten this bad. he had inklings of it but he wasn’t sure.
not until he saw that paper on the bed.
your hands are pulled behind you, your forearms together.
before you can even try to fight, they’re pressed together, bound by rope. the still open wounds on your arms scream in pain.
he’s too far gone to realize it’s hurting you. that everything is hurting you.
‘let me go.’ you kick at him.
‘no.’
despite your protests, he lifts you up. when you try to squirm away from him so he’ll drop you, he puts you over his shoulder.
you keep yelling, begging him to put you down.
the two of you slowly make your way back down the cliff, him having to jump down slightly at parts.
you give up on screaming and struggling, instead just sobbing. you kick your feet a little, but all he does is hold on tighter.
eventually, you’re at the bottom of the cliff, near the ocean. he moves you so you’re across his chest again, sliding down the rock until he’s sitting down.
he runs his fingers through your hair, you sniffling and just leaning against him.
‘untie me.’
‘no. if i do, you’ll just try to go right back up.’
‘would that really be so bad?’
he squeezes you tightly to him, as if trying to force all of the air out of them so you wouldn’t go.
‘why?’ he sounds like this was unprecedented, that it never could have happened and he doesn’t know why it did.
‘why wouldn’t i?’ you laugh a little. ‘work is monotonous and stressful, i don’t have time to do anything else. you’re pulling away from me, which i understand. i do. it’s not easy to be around someone like this.’
‘that’s not—‘
‘you don’t have to lie. i know that’s why.’ he swallows.
‘i pulled away because i felt helpless.’ you look at him. ‘i didn’t know what to do.’
‘it’s easier for both of us if you just let me go.’
‘it’s *not*.’ he says, holding you closer. ‘please don’t.’
‘i just want to feel better. all that we’ve had that’s been normal recently is when we go to sleep. and i can’t just have that.’ you sob, looking up at him. ‘i need you to help me, but i can’t put that on you.’
he doesn’t say anything, and you can feel yourself spiraling.
he doesn’t want to help. you’re so stupid. you should have found someone else, jumped before he had the chance to pin you down.
‘let me go.’ you sob.
‘no.’ he reaches behind you and cuts the rope away, forcing your chest against his once you’re free.
you bury your face into his shoulder, heaving sobs making their way through you again.
‘i’ll be here for you. whatever that means.’
‘you’re not going to leave?’
‘no.’ he kisses the side of your head. ‘i want to help you. i’m just no good at it.’
‘it’s ok.’ you wipe your face, and he notices the cuts on your skin as your sleeve rides down once more. he grabs at it, looking it up and down. ‘i’m sorry.’ shame bubbles up in your chest.
‘let’s get back home, ok?’
home. your bed. the place you share with him.
you nod, allowing him to help you stand. you remember you don’t have shoes, but you’re content to walk.
instead, he holds your side against his chest, letting you listen to his heartbeat as he takes you back into the city.
Childe looks behind him once, wondering how much it would take to convince Zhongli to get rid of an entire cliff.
it’s a nice thought, and it makes him chuckle slightly.
it’s worth a shot. anything is, if it’s for you.