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Am I supposed to love? Those were the thoughts of Amemura Ramuda. He was made artificially , not to really have any emotion. Yet now was a time of crisis…what was he? Was he really supposed to check all the boxes set for him by society? Trying to stimulate his thoughts, he sucked on some candy.
Yet one thing was on his mind.
“ Ramuda-chan! I’m here! ”
Sakamoto Rie, better known as RIA, superstar model and actress known all across Japan, who was modelling for Empty Candy as part of a collaboration. When seeing her, it was a different feeling than seeing another fangirl. She was petite, just like him, and had one of the brightest smiles he had seen. Jeez… he was often flirty with women, yet having actual feelings for one…
Yet would she love him if…no, no, no. That was silly. This was difficult. Romantic attraction along with an identity crisis…he held his chest tight. “ This is bothersome, ” he muttered.
——
Day in and day out, he felt tired. Seeing RIA made his heart flutter, yet otherwise he was practically… dead . He groaned, throwing many useless designs on the floor. He then ran into a spare room with extra clothes and put on a white dress and plastic crown. He started to twirl around like a princess, humming to himself.
“Ahaha! Wheeeee!” he sang as he spun around. He then stopped to look in the mirror. He wished he could get away with wearing such clothing, but he was a boy. Boy, boy, boy. It didn’t feel as fun afterwards…why did he think about that fact…?
He sat down and sighed. Why did his clothing have to be restrictive of his gender? Why did he have to think about it? Wasn’t there more important things in life, like friends, and birthdays, and…love? Yet he felt euphoria in any type of clothing, masculine or feminine. Yet was that what it all came down to?
What was for a boy? What was for a girl? He thought you had to be one or the other, until he had a train of thought. Could you be both? Could you be neither? Could you be something different? Why was it always split into two?
——
Wanting to know about himself so desperately, he started to feel a bit embarrassed. Asking anyone for help felt like he was being a burden. He stitched out a dress in order to cope with some stress. There was a lovely design of red, orange, white, hot pink, and violet. He thought it was so pretty that he decided to show it to Dice.
“R…Ramuda…? You’re a lesbian…?” Huh…? Where did Dice get that from…?
“N…no! I mean…I like girls, but I’m not a girl…!” Ramuda’s face started to flush red with embarrassment. “ O…or a boy… ” he added under his breath.
“Hmm?” Dice leaned in towards Ramuda, feeling that he misheard.
“A…hahaha! I just thought the design was pretty…!” Ramuda showed a humiliating lying smile, hoping Dice would just believe him… ding dong. The door opened, and in came Gentaro.
“My my, Ramuda, what a lovely dress you have,” Gentaro greeted, deciding not to ask about Ramuda’s sexuality.
“T…thanks…” Ramuda then decided to say something. “I don’t feel like a boy or a girl…every time I think about it, I get more confused…what even am I? I don’t know, yet I’m open to discover. ”
…
“That’s hella cool of you, Ramuda,” Dice replied. “I’m actually trans, so I’m glad to see I’m not the only one!”
“Really? How peculiar,” Gentaro added. “I’m actually genderfluid. What I am changes, yet I still feel the same.” He paused. “And that is not a lie.”
“…you two are the best…!” Ramuda rushed over to hug Gentaro and Dice, glad that they all felt the same way. Then he felt conflicted again. “But I just like girls. If I am not a boy or a girl, but I like girls…” He thought lesbian just meant girls liking girls…could he still be a lesbian…?
“Ramuda, you can be a lesbian too, you know,” Dice answered. “It doesn’t just mean you’re a girl liking a girl-”
“If you aren’t a man, and if you love people who aren’t men, you can be a lesbian.” Gentaro examined Ramuda’s design carefully. “I see you took inspiration from the flag…”
“Yeah…! I thought it was pretty…!” Ramuda then let out a cheery smile. “I’m so glad I can count on you…!”