Chapter Text
Chapter 1 – Untethered
Sidney searched her tear-filled eyes for any sign of hesitation, but could find no indication – her expression was indignant, she clearly wanted to be gone, away from this place, from him and how could he blame her. His heart dropped like a stone, plummeted into the depths of his being. Was this to be his fate? Forever denied a chance at true happiness, snatched away from him, in the very moment he dared to believe in a different life, a dream that he had suppressed successfully for years. Keep his side of the bargain…if the last few weeks showed anything, it was that he would be incapable of fulfilling that promise.
“Goodbye Charlotte. I wish you every happiness.”
He could see the hurt in her face, the unshed tears glistening in her eyes – how could he have inflicted more heartbreak on her, it had not been his intention, when he rode from London earlier, an impulsive action – what had he thought to achieve? The answer to that question was: an impossible dream, a last desperate bid, to somehow salvage the wreckage that he had foolishly created.
She said nothing in reply, her lips set in a straight line, simply climbed back into the carriage and sat down, refusing to look at him. Reluctantly, Sidney closed the door, feeling that he was shutting the door to his own heart and stood back, taking the reins of his stallion from the coachman. He watched as the contraption carrying his heart’s desire slowly began to move, the wheels turning excruciatingly slowly at first and then gradually picking up speed, turning like the sands running through an hourglass, an apt analogy for his life, he grimly reflected.
As the distance the coach travelled away from him increased, its shape decreasing in size as it progressed towards the horizon, a feeling of utter dread and desperation seized hold of him, unlike any emotion he had ever experienced in his entire life. It was like an iron claw was gripping him in its grasp, paralysing every single muscle and sensation, turning him into a statue, made of marble, frozen in place, immobile. Terror filled him and the further the carriage continued, the more intense it became. His heart was pounding, he was breathing so fast and violently, he feared his chest would burst.
A vision took over his mind, a nightmare he had frequently woken up from, sweating profusely – he was standing at the edge of a sheer precipice, looking down into a bottomless abyss and he was going to fall at any moment, helpless to prevent it. The drop was endless, it would be terrifying to spiral down, down, down and be powerless to stop his descent, tumbling to the depths. There was no end to the ravine, it seemed to go beyond anything he had ever seen.
And then suddenly, Sidney had a moment of clarity. He had always scoffed at the notion that premonitions or visions were possible, but at that moment, he suddenly understood. This was a taste of his future without her. He could not deny it any longer, he needed Charlotte like a thirsty traveller in the desert prays for an oasis of water to appear in the sand. How could he contemplate a life like this? Devoid of love and affection, because he knew full well there would be none forthcoming, it was a ‘bargain’ and nothing else. He would sink, even more than he had done already, enslaved in the epitome of everything he despised, going against his deep held principles.
This was the truth he had not dared to confront, forced himself to continue on this path, telling himself there was no choice, that the alternative was too dreadful to even consider. But now, in this moment of stark reality, with the visual image of the carriage travelling further and further away, a point of no return, something snapped inside of him, a tenuous thread that he had only just been holding together.
And he suddenly felt complete acceptance and a sense of relief – He Could Not Do It, give up on love, sacrifice both their lives and happiness on the altar of his brother’s ineptitude. The thought of living without Charlotte beside him forever was unimaginable, he had not allowed himself to dwell on it for even a second, but now, in that instant, faced with a future that he knew would crush his soul, he made a decision. To Fight. To Try. One More Time.
The carriage had nearly reached the edge of his vison in the distance, soon it would disappear completely. At that realisation, he swiftly shook himself into action. Like a flash of lightning, he leapt up onto his horse and took up the reins, urging Apollo to move. The black stallion needed no further encouragement, eager to obey his master and soon they were chasing the carriage along the cliffs, in pursuit of his future, or so he hoped in his heart.
“Please let her listen to me,” he thought, as they sped along, gaining on the carriage with every moment. Sidney kept urging his horse to go faster and faster, desperate to catch the carriage quickly. Before his resolve buckled. Apollo responded to his instruction willingly, straining every sinew, hooves thundering, flying like the wind, resembling a ribbon of ebony travelling along the cliffs.
They were slowly reeling the carriage in, getting closer, as they galloped faster and faster, the thrill of the chase was exhilarating. Sidney did not notice the scenery flashing by, his focus was entirely on the carriage in his eyeline, hope and anticipation building in his heart and mind.
Closer and closer, almost on the tail of the coach – Sidney rose up in the saddle, ready to call to the coachmen. He felt more alive now with every second, as Apollo’s hooves pounded on relentlessly along the ground. Then, he was alongside the vehicle, the coachmen oblivious, they had not heard him approaching, too engrossed in their own conversation. Sidney started calling to them, keeping his horse moving more steadily now.
“Stop! Stop! Stop!” he called, his voice increasing in volume every time he uttered the word. Initially, they did not hear, before one of them glanced over his shoulder and looked away, shrugging his shoulders, trying to ignore him, but Sidney did not give up, continuing to repeat the same word until eventually, they started to slow the carriage down and it drew to a juddering halt.
Sidney pulled on the reins to halt his own horse and dismounted, patting Apollo and leading him to the other horses. Both of the coachmen climbed down from their seats at the front of the carriage, giving him a resigned look of boredom and shaking their heads.
“Please humour me,” he entreated them.
“I had not finished the conversation properly. I will make it worth your while,” and he handed them a reward of several bank notes.
They grinned and accepted, staying with the horses and holding on to their reins, while Sidney turned his attention to the carriage. There was no sign of movement from inside at all and he suddenly felt apprehensive.
“Please God, let her listen to me,” he prayed fervently in his head, vowing that if he succeeded, he would make a sizeable financial donation to the Parish Church in Sanditon and endeavour to attend Sunday Services more regularly in thanks, even if it meant listening to the Reverend Hankins every week.
And so, he nervously approached the carriage…
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Charlotte could hardly believe what had just occurred. For the briefest of moments, she had allowed her foolish heart to hope…that it was all a nightmarish dream, that she had awoken from. Seeing him, the personification of her anguish striding towards her, she imagined him pulling her into his arms, telling her there was a solution, that they would never be parted again and pleading for her forgiveness, at which she would berate him suitably, before giving absolution.
But then, she saw the lifeless, sorrowful expression in his eyes and knew it was still futile, hopeless. When he started to speak and then stopped, it was more than her heart could endure. Hearing him try to express his love for her was too painful, she knew he had not made this ‘bargain’ willingly, but surely his fiancée must have feelings for him – Charlotte could not fathom why else she would want to tie him into matrimony, but then, she was clearly not au fait with the attitudes and foibles of high society, being from a small village like Willingden.
She truly hoped he would endeavour to find some form of happiness, Sidney Parker was an honourable man deep down, she had misjudged him with her assumptions and lack of experience. She had convinced herself that as he had cared for the ‘other’ woman in the past (she refused to voice her name), in time, those feelings may resurface – it was the only way that Charlotte could accept this heart-breaking outcome.
It was a relief to clamber back into the carriage – she sat down hastily and refused to meet his eyes, for otherwise, she knew her resolve would crumble, she had to be strong, guide his conscience. If she looked at him again, it would be more than she could bear – she longed to ask so many questions, but it would only prolong the agony for both of them.
As the carriage pulled away, gradually increasing in speed, taking her away from Sanditon, Charlotte was lost in her thoughts – a few short months ago, it had felt so exhilarating to leave her small village and she questioned how it would feel to return to her family, after such a variety of experiences and adventures. She couldn’t fathom how she would adjust to life in Willingden again, especially considering nothing every happened there (her Papa would say he warned her), but what future could she expect in reality?
It was unheard of for women to make their own way in the world, her only real route was marriage and how could she marry someone she did not love, as her heart was inextricably bound to that of the man who had just bid her goodbye forever. As the coach continued on its way, Charlotte reminded herself that she would recover from this heartbreak, it would not define the rest of her life, she refused to let that happen.
And then. Suddenly, she was interrupted from her contemplating, as the carriage started to slow down again, nearly throwing her from her seat to the floor. Juddering and squealing, as the coachmen pulled the horses to a stop. Charlotte sighed in frustration, what could have happened now?! Had they come across someone needing help? Or was it possible there was a problem with the horses? It really was too much to bear now, after everything else. All she wanted was to return to her loving family and allow herself to be distracted from her unbearable heartache.
This time, Charlotte did not venture to see what the disturbance was, she just sat forward anxiously on the edge of her seat and waited, straining her ears to try and hear anything. For a moment, there were the sounds of raised voices, horses stamping their hooves and whinnying, then it subsided into silence. She relaxed, sitting back in her seat and let out a breath of relief, waiting for the carriage to start its journey again.
But then, she tensed, at the unmistakeable crunching sound of booted feet on the ground, echoing in the quiet, getting louder with every step and obviously walking towards the carriage. Her fraught nerves started to build again, it reminded her of the nerve-wracking coach ride to London - all of these interruptions were intolerable.
The footsteps came to a halt, the silence was eerie, but she refused to move – whoever it was would have to reveal themselves. Memories of the alleyway in London resurfaced – how terrified she was in that moment. But this was hardly the same, she reminded herself and yet Georgiana had been kidnapped in broad daylight, on the street! It didn’t help that she could hear heavy breaths now too - any moment now, Charlotte told herself, she was going to scream as loudly as she could, but then remembered that it would be pointless to do so, in the middle of nowhere, on the clifftops.
Then, the door handle was suddenly wrenched, the jarring noise cut through the solitude, making her jump and the door swung open abruptly, the hinges squeaking. Now, her frustration was at boiling point, she stood quickly and moved to the open door, ready to chide whoever had dared to interrupt her journey home – for the second time. But when she saw who was standing in front of her, the words simply died in her throat and all she could do was stare…in shock…