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What happened? Where’m I? Lemme see if I can open my eyes. It dark in here. Wait a sec, I think I see little tiny lights on ceiling. Am I in sick-bay? “Where’m I?” Whoa, my voice sound kinda funny. I feel good though. All nice and warm and comfy. “Doctor? Doctor?” Oh, there’s someone. Two someones. They must be Doctor. They kinda chubby wubby. I Kat-rin Jane-bay. Fed-ra-shun Star-chip Boy-ber.” Wait, I not w/Boyber anymore. What wrong w/me? “Where’s I at? What happen?”
"You're on Pakled Planet." One of the chubbies said.
Pakled Panet? What the fuck? Oh, I's member, now. I's called to meeting with Pakled gov'ment. They spe-kif--spe-sik--why can't tink straight?"
"You're Janeway." Well, Duh, no shit Cherlock
"Uh, huh”. What wrong with me? “Was I in acc’dent, Doctor?”
"You will give us information."
What the fuck’s he talking? “What kind infr-mation? Who you?”
“I’m Rumdar. You will give us the Earth codes.”
Earth codes? Lemme see if I can piece thish together. I spe-spe-Pacifically called to Packey Panet. Why? I no idea. I never met a Packey in my life. But some reason they ask fer me. I beam down with peeps. “Wait? Where my se-cru-tee detail?”
“We took them. We’re smart.”
And I’m high. Who the fuck cares? So, I’s wake up in room, kinda groggy and now Fatso’s here asking questions. ”What going on?”
“We gave you truth serum. Now you must tell us what you know."
Tooth syrup? They no such ting as tooth syrup. "Where you get tooth stirrup from?" And why you have that stupid, fucking grin on your face?
"We got it from a Ferengi. He said it works."
I roll my eyes. Oh, well, if Frengi says it, it must be true. “My name Adderali Kat-rin Jane-bay. Fed-rashun Star-chip Boy-ber. I here at request of Pakey gov-ment.”
"Janeway, We want Information. What are the Earth codes?"
Okay, so I a prisoner. Alrighty-ten. “I Amiral Cap-tin Janekay. Serial number—I donn know it pretty long.”
"It not working.” First chubby said to other. “Give her more drug.”
They giving me more drug now. It feel more wunner-ful now. Look at Fatso n Fatso lookin at me. They look juss like Tweedee-dee and Tweedee-dum. “I no unner-stan. Why me?”
“You’re Janeway.”
“So?”
So, you give us codes.”
“Whuh codes?”
“The codes to Earth.”
“How fuck should I know the codes?”
"You're Janeway." First tubby said.
‘So? That mean I s’pose to know evy fucking code in whole damned Fedration?! You fuckers are dumber than a bag a rocks.”
“It’s not working. We need to give her more drug.”
Oh, oh, that no good. I already funky enough. I could get odor-dosed. “Wait! Bad idea. Real bad idea!”
“Why?” asked fatty # 2.
“Because, um, uh, what your name?”
I’m Frickagard. I fix people’s bodies.”
“Okay, Fuckicar. There something Ferenchy didn’t tell ya bout the drug.” I lean in and whisper. “It class-fied, highs shovels.”
“You tell us!” Lumbar say.
“Okay, well, this drug made on Bizarro World. Evy-thing backward there. I mean, down up, up down. It a mess. N-way, that mean s’mores drug ya give me, the less it work. But, ya leave me lone, I tell ya all kinds o’shit.
“What are the codes to Earth?”
“The code Earth? It pretty comp-cated, but here t’is: Tinkle, tinkle, little targ, how I wunner what you are, up buv world sho high, like dime-y in le sky, tinkle tinkle liddle targ, how I’s wunner what you are.”
“It working now. Who’s your head spy?”
“Amiral Humpity Dumpity. He’s a good egg.” I laugh at my own joke. I pretty damn fundy. “But ya know who even more pow’ful?”
“Who?”
“Ole King Cole. Very ole soul. Very ole soul he. He call fer his pips, he call fer his scrolls, and call fer his engi-neers three.” I holds up four fingers fer effect
“He sounds strong.”
“Oh, yeah. He strong all right. Course, there someone even strongerer.”
“Who?”
“Lil Bo Veep. I can get you special decibal access code. Wanna?
“Yes. Give it to us.”
“Oke-doke.! Lil Bo Veep. She loss her beeps. Dunno where find em. Jack fell down; broke crown and--uh. How go again? Oh, wait, I member--A cow jump sho-ver moon."
How many ships do you have on Earth?
Uh, Nine-niny thousand, five billion 2.”
“That’s a lot. What else do you know?”
“Well, don’t tell nobody, I told ya, Dumdar, but we devel—devel—we making new ship.”
“What’s it called?”
“Called? It called Tar-chip Butthole” That funny.” Gonna be biggest in fleet.”
What’s its mission?”
”It mission? Ah, uh, uh, ooh, I know. It mission-- ex-pore stange new vorlds, Seek out new life; new civi-lations. Boldy go where no fun gone before.”
“What kinds of weapons does it have?”
“All kinds.”
“Crimson force fields?”
“Pft! Sure, crimson fore fields, orange fore fields, we even have black n’white pokey-dot fore fields. They da bomb.”
"That’s a lot of weapons.”
“Oh, you no know half it. It got Lanna phase rifles, bio-netric Toledo’s. Like I said, all kinds of shit. Ooh, I almost fergot, the biggest weapon of all. The Shit-meister!”
>“Shit meister?”
“Oh, yeah. Point it anywhere and KA-POW!” I prob-y shouldn’t be laughing but me pretty funny if I say so myshelf.
“How do we stop Shit Meister?”
“You hafta find Queen o’Starfeet.”
“You. Janeway.”
He funny. No, no, no. She way more pow’ful than me, But, I sholdn’t tell ya, It cass-filed.”
“You must tell us!”
“Okey. Her name is- Actu’ly we no know her name. She just some lil ole lady lives in a shoe.”
A shoe?”
Uh, oh, I tink I losing him. Better pull it ‘gether Janejay. “Course, it not a real shoe. That be nutso. No, no, it a shar’base that look like a shoe.”
"Oh, that smart.”
“Uh, huh. N’way, this woman has so many children, she no know what do. So, she gives ‘em gagh without any bresd and phasers ‘em so they go to bed.”
“Ooh, she sounds strong.”
“Yep. A real fuckin ball buster. You don wanna mess w/ that bitch.”
“We’re getting lots of information now.” “Yeah, we’re smart.” “Where we find Queen of Stqarfleet?”
“She on Earth’s 3rd moon.”
“Janeway not that smart.” “Yeah, we beat Janeway.”
Door opening. Who that? Some lady in a big ass helmet. What she say? Starsheet’s here and they wana peak t me? 'bout damned tucking time.
"Don't tell them we captured you. You do, we blow up ship." Okey-dokey. Fumbar..
"Admiral.”Who dat? Oh, yeah must be Capn’ wha’s his face. I know he Tell-rite.”
“Admiral! Are you alight? Your team failed to check in."
"There was accident. We took care of her." Damned straight, Fuckibar.
"I perfy fine, Cap'n Oink Oink”I shouldn be laughin but what t hell.
"Admiral! That is very offensive!”
"Oh, shut up, Porky, n get me hell outta here. That an order!" I leans over on Num-nuts. "Thank ya fer hopa-hopa-hspa-tally.”
I feel funny again. Evy’ting all weird again. I in tra-porter bean? I see light, colors, peeps in nice unee-forms. Then I falls flat on me face.
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ****** *** *** *** *
Admiral’s log==today.
Dr. What’s his name purged most of drug from my system. I still feel some resid-resid—I still feel kinda high but I’s assured I be fine by tomorrow. I know I should probby wait ‘til then to record a log but what the hell? Might as well get it over with, right?
‘Parently, my trip to Pakled Planet was ruse to grab me for inf-mation. These morons must’ve got my name on news and figured hey, she must know everything. From what I can gather, me and my secur-ty detail was hambushed when we beamed down. We all was stunned. Then I captured and my security was locked up. Don’t worry, everybody fine. They was given some kind of knock out drug. They slept for hours, believe me.
Anyhoo, while security sawing logs, I was injected with some drug I forget the name of and interra—interra—they asked me questions. So, I fed them bullshit until Captain Pigface came and got me. Crisis averted.
I getting kinda sleepy. I should probby go to bed. Night night everbody. Janevay out. Zzz-zzz.