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"Guys! I've figured it out!"
The Gryffindors looked up from each of their current occupations to look at Sirius who had barged in through the portrait hole, yelling this exclamation, and looking quite excited.
Remus had been drinking tea on a sofa and playing chess with a thoroughly frustrated Giselle, who seemed annoyed she was getting beaten at a game she couldn't care less about. They both glanced at Sirius, but didn't bother giving him their full attention. They were far too used to this sort of thing. James, who had been bugging Lily about how wonderful her hair smelled, stopped and looked to his best friend, expecting something good. Dorcas, Gideon, Marlene, and Mary paused in their game of what looked like a mix exploding snap and poker to see what Sirius had to say (Fabian, tried to make a grab at one of the cards but it exploded in his hand, making him swear and Gideon laugh).
Sirius walked further in and James, who had let Lily escape in his distraction, asked. "You figured out what?"
"My sexuality!" Sirius said excitedly.
Remus seemed to perk up and he looked interestingly at Sirius. Giselle took the moment as an opportunity to throw Remus's queen halfway across the common room. Mary muttered a "Finally".
Finally, indeed. Ever since Remus and Sirius had gotten together officially two months prior (Marlene said they had basically been dating for years they just didn't know it), Sirius had been struggling to define his sexuality. Remus had assured him that his sexuality wasn't necessary to define his identity and that some people never found the perfect word for their sexual and romantic attraction. However, Sirius was determined to get to the bottom of it. Remus had come out as bisexual in fourth year and Sirius wished to "beat him". The Gryffindors had been supportive at first, but the longer they had to put up with Sirius's endless rants, diagrams and charts, random comments and pestering, they grew weary of it.
You couldn't be with Sirius for two seconds without him saying something like "I am pretty sure I like both...but prefure the dudes" or "Queer is nice and non specific...but doesn't really fit, you know?" or "I am just so fucking gay!". Even Remus, James, and Peter who had the best intrest and patience in Sirius had started avoiding long talks with him.
So it wasn't too hard to say that if Sirius defined his sexuality, it would be a relief.
"Congrats, Sirius!" Lily smiled politely.
"yOu'Re GaY rIgHt?!" said Gideon in a bad impression of French.
"Get your money out, Dorcas, he is so pan," Mary winked.
Sirius beamed at them all and stood tall, his chest puffed out. "I...am..."
He paused for dramatic effect.
"Oh, go on already!" Giselle hollered.
Sirius stuck his tongue out at her. "Don't steal my thunder, Giz. Well, my fellow Gryffindors, my comrades in arms, my mischief managers...I am...Remusexual!"
You could have heard a quill drop.
Silence fell. And then the commotion started.
James fell on the floor, rolling around, laughing. Giselle quickly followed suite, knocking over the chess board as she did so. Fabian dropped all the exploding snap cards he had hidden up his sleeve, which toppled to the ground and made several loud BANGS. Remus choked on his tea, several drops coming out of his mouth and rolling down his chin.
Sirius, though amused by the chaos, looked highly affronted. "I'm for real! I am Remusexual!"
James and Giselle laughed harder. Lily had to cover her mouth. Remus had to cover his blushing cheeks.
Mary, who had been about to take five gallions from Dorcas, said, "Sirius! Come on! Give me something I can work with! 'Remusexual' isn't a thing."
Sirius's face fell. "It is! It is and that's what I am!" He walked over to the sofa and placed a kiss on Remus's hand, which was wet from his spilled tea. "I am solely attracted to Remus John Lupin, the most sexually advanced cinnamon roll Hogwarts ever saw."
"Merlin, Sirius," Remus muttered, highly embarrassed but hiding a smile nonetheless.
"Shush now, beautiful, this is a historical moment," Sirius gave Remus a quick peck on the lips to silence him.
A few giggles from Marlene filled the room. Then James stood and said, "I'm Lilysexual!"
"Get bent," Lily rolled her eyes and left the portrait hole.
They all continued what they had been doing (save for James, who sulked in Lily's absence) as if nothing had happened, although several chuckles still rent the air.
Sirius looked at Remus, his eyebrows knitted together. "I'm being serious." he said.
Remus smirked. "I know you are." He rolled his eyes, slightly exasperated but mostly flattered. "And I suppose I'm Siriusexual?"
"You know you can't resist me."
"You are right, indeed."