Work Text:
Sapnap’s never had a huge struggle with sexuality. He just knew what he liked, and he didn’t really care too much for labels. He just went with the flow, and no difference was ever enough to block it.
But gender ?
Sapnap doesn’t know why it’s such a big deal to him. He knows it shouldn't be. His friends know him as the “chill friend,” the guy who barely gives shits and just takes what comes at him.
But he’s freaking out about this.
It doesn’t feel like he can just let this pass him by.
He sits in front of his bathroom mirror at nearly 4 a.m.
He and him pronouns should be fine . They always have been.
So why do they suddenly make him want to crawl out of his skin?
“They and them,” Sapnap offers out loud, under his breath, barely loud enough for his walls to hear. “‘I went to the store for them, Sapnap wanted steak for dinner.’” They restate what Dream had said earlier, the thing that made Sapnap realize. It makes Sapnap acknowledge that they’ve never really heard their name and the pronouns “he” in the same sentence. And if they have, they didn’t notice. But now, they noticed. Maybe too much.
“They were hungry, so I went to the store for them.” It’s like a secret whispered into the person in the mirror, the one that’s most certainly not them. They want to crawl out of their skin, to find a body that’s normal . They’re a man…
Sapnap is not a man.
“I am not a man.”
Sapnap shakes their head, and repeats it.
“I am not a man.”
A little louder this time.
“I am not a man.”
And they’re okay with that sentence. It makes sense, it’s how they feel, it’s correct.
They think of the word ‘son’ next, and they shake their head again. “No. No.”
Sapnap sinks to the floor of the bathroom, curling in on themself. No. I’m not a boy, or a man, or your son. But they’re not a girl either. That’s just not true.
They want to cry, but they can’t, and they don’t know why. Is there anything to really be sad about? Why do they feel like this…
“I am your child,” they say it, probably louder than they should, to the mirror, even if they can’t see themselves in it. “I am not your son, I am not a man.” They say it to themself now. “I, am not, a man.” Slow and steady.
Non-binary.
The word creeps onto their shoulders, scratches light trails of pink down their back. It’s there, and Sapnap almost doesn’t want it to be. No.
“I… I’m…”
They can’t say it to themself. It won’t come out. They can’t do it.
“I am normal,” they say, their voice shaking, wobbling, trembling. Tears overflow in their eyes, and they can’t hold it in anymore. They can’t….
“Sapnap?” comes a voice through the door, a light knock that makes them jump. “You okay?”
Dream .
Oh, god.
“Uh…” They try to regain the composure of their voice. “Yeah! I’m good!” They know it doesn’t sound convincing.
They hear a sigh from the other side of the door. “Sapnap?” he asks again, and Sapnap knows they can’t hide.
They stand up and slowly wrap their hand around the knob, and they realize how shaky their fingers are. They cautiously turn the handle, and the door clicks open, and a tall man stands worriedly outside the door.
“Hi,” Sapnap says to the floor, and somehow it’s still unstable.
“Want to talk about it?” Dream asks in his soft voice, the one that gets Sapnap every time. But they refuse, just this once.
They shake their head timidly. “No…”
Dream smiles softly and opens his arms slowly, an unforced invitation for a hug.
A hug.
Oh, how desperately they need it. And they’re already on the verge of tears; it’s so hard to keep together.
Sapnap practically falls into his arms, and of course Dream catches them. Dream wraps them into the familiar embrace of someone much taller than them, their face squished into his chest and pretty much melting into his figure. Dream rubs their shoulder and Sapnap feels everything fall from around them, until it’s just them and Dream. Them and Dream . It’s all they need.
Dream and them. Sapnap hates the way it sounds. It sounds like it should be someone else, someone who’s—
“Let’s go do something, pandas.” Dream cuts off his thoughts with a voice too soft to think clearly. When he calls Sapnap “pandas,” it feels a little more like themself. Like the person Dream’s known for years on end, before they even met in person. It feels like them. Pandas.
“I don’t want to do anything,” Sapnap whispers honestly into Dream’s chest, and arms wrap around their torso again, holding them close.
“I’ll take care of it,” Dream promises, and starts rubbing meaningless shapes into their loose shirt. “Are you hungry?”
Sapnap shakes their head. “No,” they mumble, “all I wanna do is sleep.” They sound like they’re on the verge of it, exhausted beyond belief, tired out of their mind. Tired because of their mind.
Dream pulls away only slightly. “Go lay down, man,” he chuckles, pushing them ever so slightly in the direction of Dream’s room. Sapnap feels their heart start to tear at the use of the word man . “I’m gonna go get some water.”
I am not a man. I am not a man. I am not—
“Okay, pandas?” Dream tries to clarify when Sapnap spaces out, locked in their own head.
“Yeah,” they can barely respond, pushing themself out of Dream’s arms probably a bit too harshly. But they can’t find it in themselves to care. They enter Dream’s room and lay down on his bed, soon after engulfing themself in the fluffy sheets of Dream. It smells like him, and they have to remind themself; Dream doesn’t know. He doesn’t know.
Would he understand, even if he did?
Sapnap can feel it coming again, so they pull the covers over their head and count the particles they can see behind their eyes. It’s enough of a distraction, at least, until Dream comes back. Please, come back .
Would he come back?
Hearing it from the person they love the most is the hardest thing. Man. I am not one. Dream doesn’t know. How are they supposed to tell him? Does Dream even know what… what it means? Non-binary. No. That’s not… Dream loves them. Would he still? How long does it take to get water? Dream’s talked about it before. He’s said things, things that Sapnap wishes he could remember if they were negative or positive. A hug. Dream will be back soon. The particles behind their eyes only serve as so much of a distraction. They watch them flit and flutter into different spots as their eyes bounce around. Would Dream still love him if he knew he was—
“Sapnap?”
Come back, please.
“Sapnap?” The urgency in his voice rises and his footsteps speed up. There’s suddenly a weight on the bed, one that’s unmistakably—
“Dream,” they can barely croak out as the covers are peeled from them in fear. Dream’s face crumbles and he quickly sets the water on the bedside table, crawling up to meet Sapnap.
“Sapnap,” Dream repeats sadly, reaching out to touch but not quite there. Sapnap wishes he would just hold him forever. At least they’d feel more like themself.
Sapnap can’t speak. They just can’t, even if they open their mouth… nothing falls out. Dream reaches forward, finally , and rubs the pad of his index finger along Sapnap’s cheek. Tears. They were crying.
Crying. Dream’s here now.
“Please hold me.” It’s so broken and small and weak and pathetic , Sapnap almost wishes they hadn't spoken. But Dream opens his arms, and oh, god.
“Pandas, come here,” Dream whispers just as softly, helping Sapnap get situated in his hold. Dream leans up against the headboard and takes Sapnap into his arms, holding them up and close to his chest. Sapnap can hear his heart. It’s beating so fast.
Dream loves me. He has to. He cares.
Would he understand …
Sapnap chokes out a small sob, and Dream holds them closer.
“Dream,” Sapnap starts. Slow and steady. I can do this.
“Yeah?” He sounds so careful, so cautious. He doesn’t know what’s coming, and that scares Sapnap.
“I have to… you… fuck ….” Deep breath. In, 1, 2, 3, 4, out, 1, 2, 3, 4. “There’s something I have to tell you.”
“Of course,” he immediately says. “Anything.” Anything.
“It’s… I’m… Dream… you- you love me, right?”
“Oh my god, yes, of course, pandas. So much. More than you know, more than anything. I always will.”
Anything. Always .
“I’m… I’m… oh god, I can’t say it. Dream—“
“Bi? I thought you told me already—“
“No, no, it’s… um… I’m…”
Dream waits patiently, holding their hands and rubbing them supportively. He’s so caring, so gentle… Dream knows what they need.
“I’m non-binary, Dream.” It’s quiet, but it’s the first stable words that come out of their mouth since the beginning of their confession.
“Oh! I’ve heard of that before, I think,” Dream ponders for a moment. “Just so I’m not, like, wrong, what’s that mean exactly?”
Sapnap loses their breath, but not negatively. “O-oh, um, it’s like. Uh, not exclusively a guy or a girl. Or like… I- I don’t really know. I’m just… I’m not a man.” I’m not a man.
Dream smiles, and Sapnap wants to cry again, but this time happily. “I gotcha!” He pauses for a moment. “I’m very proud of you, pandas.” He says it so sincerely that even just for a moment, Sapnap feels okay. Dream .
“That means so much to me,” Sapnap whispers under their breath, afraid that if they speak any louder they’ll start crying.
“Of course, Sapnap. I mean it.” Dream pauses again, but not for very long. “Oh! And what are your pronouns?”
Sapnap feels their eyes well up, and they frown with relief. “They and them, please.” It’s a whisper, but Dream hears.
“Okay, I got it.” He seems to think it over for a bit. “Please correct me if I mess up, okay? I know it’s very important to you and I want to make sure I do the right thing.”
Sapnap smiles even wider. “Okay. But it’s not really—“
“Pandas.”
Sapnap couldn’t possibly smile any bigger. They know this means that Dream won’t have it, and won't misidentify Sapnap even if they feel bad. Tears begin to pile, and they’re not mad about it. Happy tears cleanse their eyes.
“Okay, Dream.”
I love you so much.
“Thank you for telling me,” Dream continues, fueling their mood further. Sapnap barely even remembers why they were so worried about it, especially if Dream has always been this supportive. It’s nothing new, but it gets Sapnap every time. Especially when they need the validation so desperately.
Dream seems to hesitate for a moment, and Sapnap’s heart thumps loudly in their chest. The anticipation of the moment nearly kills him by the time he finally speaks.
“I love you,” is all Dream says, short and simple, simple and sweet. It’s all Sapnap needed to hear and more.
Tears finally run down their face. “I love you, too, Dream. So much. Thank you.”
Dream almost cries too. “Of course, you idiot. Your identity is important, don't thank me for, like, what? Not kicking you out of the house?”
Sapnap laughs, and worry drains from them. “Well jeez, thank god for that.” They both fall into easy laughter, and Sapnap falls into Dream’s lap unprompted.
They turn over and lay their head in the dip of Dream’s lap, looking up and upside-down at Dream’s glowing face. He’s smiling so wide that it makes Sapnap smile, his entire happy demeanor contagious. Sapnap will never get tired of him, ever.
“Do you know what I mean by it?”
Sapnap tilts their head, confused. “Huh? That you love me?”
Dream shakes his head fondly. “Nevermind.”
Sapnap fakes a gasp, tugging at Dream’s sleeve as if to prompt him. “Come on ! Tell me, what do you mean?” They can hear their own heartbeat.
“Not now,” Dream dismisses, laughing a little. “I don’t wanna ruin your big moment.”
Sapnap smiles. “What, are you in love with me or something?”
Dream doesn’t hesitate. “Maybe.” He brings his hands to cup Sapnap’s face, even upside down.
“ Dream! ” They both pause to look at each other, and eye contact has never been so enticing. “Do the Spider-man kiss on me right now!” It’s a dare, and they both know it. Both of them want it too bad to pass up. Sapnap puckers their lips a few times as a taunt, giggling like an idiot.
But Dream leans down and kisses them slowly, once, and Sapnap’s breath is stolen from them.
“You could do that again,” Sapnap jokes. “If you wanted to. Just a thought—“
Dream kisses them again, more than once, but both of their smiles are too big to kiss properly. It works anyways; Sapnap wouldn’t trade it for anything.
“Hypothetically,” Dream starts, rubbing his thumbs gently across Sapnap’s face, “if I were to ask you out, what would you like me to call you? Not boyfriend, right?”
Sapnap smiles for the thousandth time, unable to contain their excitement for Dream’s unconditional support. It makes them feel normal, like they belong, like… like they’re comfortable in their own skin. Dream makes that possible. He teaches them self love, slowly in a process of praise and confidence handed to them through words of validation. Sapnap will get there.
“Significant other, I think I like the most.”
Dream leans down to kiss them again, just for emphasis. “Will you be my significant other, then, pandas?”
Sapnap laughs, playfully batting Dream’s hands away. “Yes, of course, you idiot.”
“You love me.”
Sapnap rolls their eyes. They’ve heard the cliche a million times. But this time, they really mean it when they say:
“I do. So much.”