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The door creaked when he opened it. He was home. He was supposed to be. He knew he was. Then why didn’t it feel like home?
Alex had dropped him off. They had gone out to eat just moments prior, sitting and laughing in the car as rainwater dripped down the car windows. Will had run out of the car when they were done and gone to the backseat to get out his bag. The car door was locked leaving Wilbur to stare in at Alex while the rainwater drenched him. He could see how Alex was shaking with laughter inside the car as water dripped from Will’s hair down his forehead. He could feel how the water had begun dripping down the back of his shirt.
It didn’t take Alex long to unlock the car. Wilbur scowled at the big grin on Alex’s face but there was clearly no malice behind it. Truth be told he would probably have done the same to Alex if he had the chance. He quickly grabbed his bag and ran inside. The bag got thrown into his room as he went into the bathroom to get a towel that would dry his hair.
There was an immediate shift in his mood when he got inside. The easy smile he wore around his friends disappeared. He wasn’t unhappy, but the familiar surroundings had dampened his mood. Why was he always feeling like this at home?
Tiredness washed over him, like all day he had been running on adrenaline and enthusiasm that no longer existed. Will threw himself on his bed, not caring that his clothes were still wet. For a while he tried staying awake, just scrolling through different social media sites. After about half an hour it was clear he wasn’t processing anything. He took dropping his phone on the floor as a sign to not pick it up and instead closed his eyes, deciding to take a nap.
He woke up to a soft knock on his door. He could hear Phil through the door. “Hey Will, you coming down for dinner mate?”
He rubbed the tiredness out of his eyes as he threw his legs over the edge of the bed. Quickly standing up made his vision go black for a second before it returned. “Yeah, I’ll be down in a minute,” Will answered through yawns.
His footsteps announced his arrival as Phil looked up from his phone to send him a smile. Phil was seated at the dinner table. Neither Tommy nor Techno was home.
The food was already placed on the table. Wilbur wasn’t really hungry but he still felt like he should be here. Phil wanted him to be. At least Phil was a talented cook, so it wasn’t that bad.
The first half of the meal passed with easy chatting. Will asked how Phil’s day had been. Apparently, there hadn’t been much to do at the office so Phil had helped Puffy out with a big project she was working on.
About halfway through Phil had gotten that look in his eye. Will’s stomach dropped. He really really didn’t want to deal with this today.
“Will I’ve been thinking.” Phil began. Will had stopped eating, not that he was hungry in the first place. Instead, he opted for pushing the potatoes around the plate with his fork.
Will hummed to signal he was listening and Phil continued. “I would really like to see some more of you. It feels like you haven’t put effort into being together as a family lately. I can’t remember the last time we did something together.”
Yesterday. It was yesterday . Will thought. He had set up monopoly and they had all played together. Tommy had been cursing and yelling when he noticed Will cheat, not noticing how Techno had used the distraction to steal a few of the estates. Will had argued back at Tommy, not mentioning how Techno had double the estate than before. Phil had just looked on, laughing.
Apparently, that didn’t count. Game night wasn’t good enough. Last Friday when they had all made dinner together didn’t count. Monday when he had brought a cake for them to sit down and eat together didn’t count.
Why? Because apparently, Phil said so.
Will just hummed looking down at his plate. Feigning agreement.
“You always come home and just go straight to your room. Closing yourself off.”
You expect me to only get A’s though. It was true that he was going straight to his room when he got home. There was often a pile of homework waiting for him. He had to get them done, had to turn them in on time. Whenever he got a B Phil would look at his report card and send him a sad smile. “ Oh, a B in maths.” He wouldn’t say it but it would still be apparent. He was disappointed. He had expected more. Will should have gotten at least an A. Exactly like Techno always did. A shake of the head is what Wilbur would receive with a “ Maybe we should look into getting you a tutor.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy you’ve gotten good friends, but you spend almost all your time out with them.” Phil continued.
It had only been an hour. I got home an hour later than usual. The thought resounded in his head. He had been one hour later home than usual. He had said no to hanging out with Niki tomorrow because he knew, he knew, that Phil wouldn’t be happy if he spent too much time from home. He had secluded himself from his friends, one too many times, turning down invites one too many times, had to hear about what they were doing when they were hanging out without him, only for it to still not be enough. Phil still wasn’t happy. Would he ever be able to be happy with him?
“We just want to see you mate.” Phil ended.
Will’s body felt heavier than before. It took too much energy just to blink. He was doing things constantly. He was at school, out with friends, doing homework, looking after Tommy, taking care of the dishes, vacuuming the house, making family hangouts, working and it still wasn’t enough. It still wasn’t enough to make Phil happy. He couldn’t remember the last time he had made Phil proud. The last time he had been good enough. Had he ever been?
Tears tried pressing their way into his eyes but he pointedly ignored it. He wasn’t going to cry. Not in front of Phil. He wouldn’t get him to show weakness. Phil wouldn’t be able to handle his son crying.
No, he wouldn’t show weakness. He had never done. All his breakdowns were in the safety of his room, music playing as to make the sobs escaping his throat inaudible.
His heart panged at the message. He didn’t know what he had to be sorry for, but he still felt like he should apologise. He tried so hard all the time, but it was never acknowledged. The air was suffocating him and his stomach was in knots.
Will looked up from his plate and sent Phil a weak smile. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to seclude myself. I can definitely make time for family.”
The more was left unsaid. He wouldn’t argue with Phil. Not today.