Chapter Text
Asuka was lying on a makeshift bed, looking at the moon with a blood stain on it. She was getting used to living again. Her body needed rest, but her mind had no such constraints, struggling to make sense of her feelings towards Shinji.
"I hate him," she thought.
The moment she met him, Shinji made an impression of a pitiful being. As she got closer to him it only grew stronger. Sickly shy, full of anxiety, without any pride or ambitions. Then she saw a glimpse of his memories. What he did during that day shouldn't be of any surprise to her. It was only fitting that he was also a pervert and a coward.
It was obvious to her how she should feel about him, but she couldn't do it. No, she hated him alright. But it was not the only thing she felt towards him.
There were moments about him that ruined the simple image of him she wished to maintain. It would be so much easier if the obvious unflattering characteristics were the only ones to describe him. She would have a clear idea how to feel and what to do then. But sometimes the idiot acted like a completely different person. Brave, determined, strong, kind and compassionate. It drove her mad! It threatened to ruin the principles she lived her whole life by. He was a threat.
So, what was it, Asuka? What possessed you to touch him?
Then she discovered a third side of him. She saw him in the rare moment of rage. It terrified her. Shinji was always meek and gentle, the opposite of scary. Being afraid of him disturbed her deeply. Was this person always inside him? She was relieved when he started crying on top of her. It was the Shinji she knew. Usually she hated when he showed this side of himself, but at that moment Asuka was glad to see it.
She blinked in disbelief. Treacherous thoughts enraged her. Asuka Langley Soryu became scared of an idiot. What a joke! So she was scared of Shinji back then? Did she caress him pleading to spare her life?
She was disgusted with herself. She hated this feeling so she turned to her old escape, anger. She nurtured embers of ire and blew them into an all-encompassing flame. Asuka fantasized about her revenge. She wallowed in images of violence that her mind could produce. She savored the feeling of power that they brought her. But something kept nagging her, something was missing, her triumph wasn't complete. She pushed the fantasy to its climax. Asuka-in-her-mind towered over a completely crushed boy.
"I hate you. You disgust me. I don't want to see you ever again!" her double declared.
Asuka anticipated that completing the fantasy would bring relief and put her thoughts in order. What she didn't expect was the feeling of sadness and emptiness. All other thoughts died down, her last words echoed in her mind. It felt familiar. She felt threads tied to it in her mind, leading to other memories. She pulled them to see what was on the other side.
She was on the beach again. She was scared, but not of his anger or even him choking her. It was Idiot Shinji, even in despair he couldn’t murder her. What she was scared of was the coldness in his eyes and what his actions represented - "I don't want to see you ever again."
So why couldn't she accept it? She could have met his gaze with an icy one of her own, kick him off herself, rise and tell him everything she thought about his pathetic being. He didn't want to see her? Neither would she want to ever be near him!
Why did her heart ache just thinking about it?
Why couldn't she have her revenge and just get rid of him?
What did he mean when he said "I want to be with you forever"?
Usually she saw straight through all his clumsy machinations, but this one came out of the blue and made no sense to the girl. What did he hope to get from her? Who did he think he was to ignore her, reject her and then drop words like that when it suited him? He must have been truly an idiot to think such a stupid phrase would work! She shouldn't be bothered by it. It was just another lie.
Still, something didn't feel right. Shinji would never have had the guts to try cheeky phrases, especially on her. The idiot meant it. But what did he really mean? What did he need her for? Was it just a whim or something he really yearned for? She knew the answer to the last question.
He needed her so badly that he tried to end the world and himself when she rejected him.
Shinji's decision after his fit of rage left her completely perplexed. She expected anything but this. She had to know what he meant. She feared she would be hurt by the answer, but she had to know the truth behind all of it.
All of it was completely wrong. Her thoughts returned to the previous question. Why would she care if she will never see him again? Her knowledge of human beings, while just theoretical in many aspects, nevertheless suggested an answer. She didn't like it and its implications. It was a lie! She didn't need anybody! Especially not Shinji! Asuka tried to persuade herself, but it didn't sound convincing at all.
How disgusting.
Days passed. She felt better now. Shinji was driving her mad.
He was always near her during the days when she recovered. She spent most of this time lying in bed. She wasn't in pain, but she wasn't ok. She drifted through a kaleidoscope of different states, changing unpredictably, flowing one into another. Sometimes she felt normal, just very tired. Her mind was clear and body worked as was intended by mother nature. Sometimes she took a deep dive into delirium. She saw surreal places, heard strange sounds. It could go on for hours or just for five minutes.
There were periods when she felt like her perception floated above and beyond her body. She was light like a feather, swaying with the gentle winds. When the wind was stronger she was afraid it would catch her, carry her high into the sky, and blow her soul far away. But it never did. No matter how strong the wind was, it couldn't break frail bonds that tied her to her body.
At other moments she felt like she was made of granite, her perceived weight increasing tenfold. She was too heavy for the earth to support her. She was anxious that she would sink into the soil and drown in the unknown depths. When it happened the first time Shinji happened to be sitting near her. She was so terrified of these unfamiliar feelings that she instinctively clutched his hand. She was ashamed of it later, but at the moment it was the only thing keeping her from panic attack. It was her lifeline. His hand was keeping her on the surface. She didn't touch him during the following events. They were still unpleasant, but not so severe. She made do with just the memory of his touch.
Sometimes she felt like her body was melting. When it happened she tried to wrap up in blankets as tight as she could. Feeling like she was in a cup shaped perfectly for her body calmed her. She tried to lay perfectly still to not spill herself. It assured her she wouldn’t have leaked into the cracks of earth only to be lost forever.
Sometimes some of her senses were changing in intensity or turning off completely. She could turn hypersensitive to light or completely blind. Distant sound of waves crashing onto the beach could become a storm of cataclysmic proportions. Her taste buds played stupid games with her, teasing her with flavors of delicacies she couldn't get in the foreseeable future or making her taste the most disgusting things she could imagine.
All this time Shinji was with her. He made sure she always had water. He fed her when she wasn't capable of doing it herself. He tried to help her with daily routines that were still necessary, but she would never agree to this. There were moments of clarity which she used to take care of herself.
She was slowly getting better. Each new attack was milder than previous ones. After a week she could walk again without being afraid to suddenly lose sense of her legs.
Unfortunately, as she regained the capability to act as an able human being, Shinji was losing semblance of one. At first he was too busy taking care of her to worry about anything else. But with time she needed less of his help, had more strength and spent more time with a clear mind. Awkward silence reigned in their camp. Asuka didn't forget anything and was not going to let him get away with it. She expected him to talk about it sooner or later. He had to. She thought about confronting him herself, but dismissed the idea as ridiculous. It could give him wrong ideas.
But Shinji was silent. There were days when he didn't speak a word. He knew the routine and just kept following it like a mindless drone. It infuriated her. Did he think everything was fine? Or was it that he just didn't care about making up to her at all? Was she just a burden to him which he wished to get rid of as soon as possible? She couldn't understand him again. Why did he avoid her?
Was it that he hated her showing strength? Did he wish for a weak, submissive girl, even more pathetic than himself? Would it be her fate to become one if she would stay close to him?
Of course! He liked Rei for a reason! She always knew that it would do her no good to get close to anyone. All of them will betray her, leave her sooner or later. It was only a matter of time. To even think that the idiot would be any different – had her brain been melted or what? It would not end well. Especially not with him. She couldn't choose a worse person to rely on.
She should have been glad that she saw the truth. Now there was a logical counterargument to all the stupid dreams she couldn't get out of her head. But for some reason she felt like crying instead.
How disgusting.
She had to get away from all of this, so she went for a walk. She hoped it would help to get rid of the thoughts in her head.
Asuka was back in the camp. The long hike tired her. It would have been a cakewalk before, but she had not regained her full strength yet. At least it distracted her a little from the storm of thoughts in her mind.
She didn't see anything of interest. It looked like there had been a city once, but the only things that were still recognizable were street patterns visible in the ground and rare concrete skeletons of high-rise buildings. Whatever the cause of destruction was, it was of horrible power. The land was wiped clean from anything that wasn't dug deep into the earth. She thought there should be lots of debris left on the streets, but they were unnervingly clean.
She didn't see anything of interest with one exception. She found an unusual object on her return. It was not far from the water, on higher ground where crimson waves could not reach it. It was clear that it was built after the disaster.
Wooden stakes of different sizes were shoved into the earth. They formed a rough circle, with some in the center. It must have been made by Shinji. A cemetery. One stake had a white pendant hanging from it. Misato's cross. Of course he would make one for her. Most other ones had no marks that could help to find whom they were built for. Except one. It was the largest, in the very center of the circle. Some of the smaller stakes were tilted already, but this one stayed upright. Shinji put the most effort into this one. She found Latin "A" carved into the wood.
She had been kicking it until it snapped into two pieces. She was alive. It didn't feel right to have a grave marker dedicated to her. She wasn't sure how to feel about it. It must have meant something, but what exactly? She couldn't put up with it any longer. She had to get answers.
Asuka found him sitting near their water source – a small stream with the roots somewhere in the nearby mountains. Shinji shuddered when noticed her approaching, but didn't try to run away. He must have felt that she would not let him escape. He quivered under her gaze and dropped his head even lower.
She waited for any other reaction. She waited in vain.
"Will you say anything?" she probed.
They had not spoken properly yet since their meeting on the beach. She was too tired, and Shinji didn't try to take the initiative. Like he would ever do.
The silence lasted for so long that Asuka thought Shinji decided to ignore her.
"I'm sorry," he finally answered with a weak voice.
After all of this he thought he could just mumble halfhearted "I'm sorry"! That stupid phrase of his! He said it all the time. It lost its meaning a long time ago.
"Anything else?"
She spoke with barely restrained anger. Shinji noticed it and curled even tighter, hiding his face. Not a word came from him. She. Could. Not. Stand. It! She hated seeing him in such a dejected state. She hated being treated like this. It was not fair! She did not deserve any of this crap!
Asuka came even closer to him. She didn't feel any injuries under the bandages but she tried to be careful just in case. She put a foot on his shoulder and kicked him to the ground. He dropped with a surprised yelp.
'Go on! Get angry, ask what the hell I'm doing, what is the meaning of this. I will tell you!' Asuka thought, planning her next moves.
But Shinji didn't try to confront her. He stayed lying on the ground with arms covering his head, expecting another kick.
She wanted to scream, 'Look at me, you damned idiot! You have no right to ignore me after all you did!' Anger took full control over her. She wanted to kick him again. She didn't care if it could cause him to lash out at her in another fit of rage. She no longer was afraid of it, she'd gladly accept it now. Anything would be better than his apathy. She would do whatever it takes to make him notice her, escalate aggression until he was forced to react. She would berate him, slap him, punch him, kick him, bite him, pull his hair, crush his nose, break his fingers…
Each new image was more violent than another. Until something snapped inside her. What was she thinking? Has she gone mad?
Asuka froze in horror.
Would she really do all of this?
No. She was angry, but she wasn't going to mutilate him.
No. That wasn't her.
A doll residing in nightmares rose from the depth of her mind.
"Liar!"
Asuka took a few steps away from him and looked at her hands. She saw the hands of Unit-02 covered in blood. She remembered these hands tearing through horrific white Evas. Her sync rate was so high that she felt everything like it were her own fingers digging into the beasts.
She had liked that feeling.
She had enjoyed every moment of it. Until the beast turned the table on her, tearing her apart, their eyeless faces showing joy and delight rivaling her own. Her breath quickened. She closed her eyes and focused hard, trying to purge all thoughts from her mind. She didn't want to see any of these memories. The sickening images subsided after some time, but they left a question.
Was she the monster who enjoyed hurting others?
If it were any other person, she'd already made sure the bastard would never be able to walk again. And she'd feel good about it! But it was different with Shinji. She knew it wasn't the best way to enact revenge for his wrongdoings. She remembered him completely broken. She didn't have to use any force then. Simple words did the job so well. The violence would be pointless.
Also she didn’t want to hurt him as a retribution. She wanted a reaction! 'Look at me! Notice me!' She didn’t want to acknowledge her, but she could force him! It was so easy and so tempting. But she didn't know how far she would have to go. And what would he think of her then? "You only hurt me. Leave me alone. I don't want to see you." The voice in her head mimicked the idiot perfectly. It horrified her.
What should she do now? She didn't know. She was left without any outlet for anger, so it turned inward.
So she would do nothing? What was wrong with her? Did she lose any semblance of pride and self-respect? Would she put up with anything he would do? She was as pathetic as him. She felt powerless. She hated it.
"Are you waiting for me to start talking?" she asked, trying to hide her despair.
"Damn it, Third! What else do you want from me? Do you want me begging for your attention?" she screamed in her mind.
"Answer me! Say something!"
It pained her to see the talk going nowhere. She was the only one putting in the effort again. He must have thought she was not worth it. He had got everything he wanted from her already. She felt very tired.
She was close to crying openly. She was so weak and pathetic. She hated herself. The feelings of despair and rejection were flooding her mind, poisoning her every thought. She fought all her life to keep these feelings away. She had declared once that she will not succumb to them by the sheer force of her will. She was losing that battle today. She was so tired of being alone in this war of hers.
"Why are you there if you won't do anything?" Asuka quietly repeated the words she had said once in her other moment of weakness. The words weren't addressed to him. He couldn't help her.
Shinji couldn't remember Asuka ever speaking so softly. There was pain in her voice. He failed her again. If only he knew what she wanted him to do!
He was sure he would regret anything he would say. He never knew the right words. Anything he said always made things worse for him. There was a terrible choice before him. He will be hurt if he speaks. But if he didn't he would hurt Asuka.
Despair and a feeling of certain doom overcame him. The same moment he clearly saw his predicament he knew that there was nothing to decide. He made a choice in an instant and just had to muster whatever courage he had to follow it. He didn't want her to suffer. He failed again and again to do anything about it, but it was one small thing that he was certain of. Shinji was trembling in fear of what he had to do.
"I'm sorry." It was the best his mind managed to accomplish.
Asuka looked at him as he rose up into a sitting position.
"Is that the only thing you can say now?" She was past being irritated by this phrase. Her mind was too numb from all the conflicting emotions to be annoyed by such things now.
"I don't know what else I can say."
He was talking to her. That fact returned a bit of energy to the girl. She didn't know what to say to him either, but she didn't want to lose what little progress they made. She voiced whatever came to her mind first.
"How about the usual things that people say to each other?" she paused for a bit. Then anger and hurt returned and took the steering wheel.
"They usually start with, ‘Glad to see you!’ Oh, yeah. We may skip this one. I noticed that you weren't thrilled to see me."
Shinji didn't have anything to say in his defense, but he didn't curl up into a ball, either. Asuka didn't know the amount of will power it took him to not hide in his shell again.
No response. Sure. It was her job now to avoid uncomfortable themes or he would shut down again. Just great. Her anger now definitely returned in full. But it wasn't boiling in aimless fury. Asuka felt she had found a way to force a reaction from him. She was using all her ire as a fuel for her sharp mind that just got a new application.
"Okay. Let's move on to the next question. How was your day, Shinji?"
He was bewildered by the way Asuka spoke to him. Her voice was so sweet. He never could even imagine her being so nice to him. But her every phrase had thorns hidden inside.
"Not great." He forced himself to answer.
"I'm sorry to hear it. I had better days too." She followed in the most casual way possible. But her eye, the one not covered by a bandage, was looking at him coldly.
Shinji felt that Asuka was ridiculing him. Why did he have to take part in it? If it was simple accusations or insults he'd know how to deal with it. He'd say that he is sorry and endure anything she'd say or do to him. He felt guilt for what he did, so it was ok for her to be angry. He hoped things could return to normal after it. But it wasn't working this time. He saw Asuka was furious but for some reason she stopped. And now she was playing a strange game with him. He had no reason to not answer her. It would be impolite to do so. But the tone she chose and the mockery hidden in the nonchalant nature of questions, so inappropriate in the current situation, stung worse than any direct insults. She was masterfully getting under his skin.
"Did you sleep well, Shinji?" Asuka continued innocently.
Finally, Shinji turned to look at her. It was stupid. He was angrily glaring at the girl.
"I see. Bad sleep can really affect the mood. Don't you agree?" Asuka was looking at the stars now, and Shinji couldn't read her expression.
"I didn't sleep well either. But it was not that bad. I had worse days. Like when I was woken up early by depth charges exploding around me. Isn't it a great way to start a day, huh?" Her tone changed again. She dropped the fake chirpiness and spoke more slowly and thoughtfully. Shinji kept looking at her like a rabbit hypnotized by a python. His instinct screamed "Danger! Run!" but he couldn't look away from her.
"But you know what's funny? It wasn't even the worst part. No army is a match for even a single Evangelion. But they had these things in backup. I believe you saw them, right?" Asuka shivered remembering her foes. She crossed her arms in discomfort.
"I tried my best but it wasn't enough. If only there was somebody to help me. Together we would have been able to do it." She said it without any mocking, her tone was serious. It was the closest she could get to saying "I needed you, dumbass!"
But all Shinji heard was an accusation. He failed. He was not good enough. It was not fair.
"I wanted to help you. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't!"
Long silence hung between them.
"When NERV was attacked, was there even a single moment when you thought about who will have to defend it if you won't? Did you do anything to be there for me when I was fighting for my life?" Asuka talked very slowly, putting emphasis on every word.
"Yes, but I couldn't…"
"Liar."
Her voice was ice cold. His eyes shot wide open. He had a visceral feeling that he had made a terrible mistake.
"I saw enough of your memories. You didn't even try."
Asuka was looking directly at him. Shinji met her stare. Her gaze was full of hurt, disappointment and anger. A lot of anger.
"You were so full of yourself and your misery, you didn't care how your actions affected others!"
Shinji couldn't find anything to say.
"Oh, poor Shinji is too sad to pilot Eva. But don't worry, it’s ok. We can put Asuka right from the hospital into the battle. It's ok, she can deal with it!"
"I'm sorry," he really wanted to take his words back.
"No. You are not."
She circled around him like a shark.
"All you want is to feel good about yourself. You keep saying "I'm sorry" just to be left alone and not hear anything unpleasant. You don't care how your actions affect me. You would do it again."
"No, I wouldn't..." his words were barely audible.
Asuka stopped in front of him. She turned her head to see him fully and slowly said:
"Oh, and speaking of the hospital…"
Shinji froze in place.
"Did you like my body?"
He twitched like he was slapped in the face.
"Was it up to your standards?"
Her voice was sweet like honey and full of venom.
"Were you satisfied with the experience?"
Asuka made pauses after each question, observing the impact they made.
"Maybe you would like to book another appointment?"
She made a cute facial expression. There was cold fury in the girl's gaze.
"Oh, I'm sure, you wanted to help me. There is no doubt about it," she hissed.
She stopped in front of him.
"You wanted to feel better and I could not offer any help. So you took what you could. You used me."
Shinji felt like a red-hot iron was branding his chest. Of course he was ashamed of what he did, he knew it was a very wrong thing to do. He knew Asuka would be enraged if she learned about it. But he hoped she would be satisfied with taking her anger out on his body. He could endure punches, kicks or whatever she would choose. It wouldn't even be hard for him. He was used to physical pain after so many battles with angels.
"It is what you do."
But Asuka choose to torture his mind. She pried him open and forced him to look at the object in her hand. A mirror. She forced him to look at himself. He couldn't bear it.
"You come to others when you need something. And you run away when they become of no use to you. You are so selfish."
Asuka stopped and looked down on the figure before her. He wasn't trying to defend himself or apologize. He wasn't doing anything again.
"Pathetic."
It was the last straw. Shinji shot up and darted away from the girl. He had to get away. He had to. So he ran. He was running away again.
Shinji was hiding in complete darkness. Not a ray of light could reach this place. It calmed him a bit. He was safe. Nobody would be able to find him here.
He sat for a long while trying hard to not think about anything. He forbade himself to think about what happened but he had little authority even over his own mind. Riotous thoughts crept into his head. He forced them out stubbornly, but it took a toll on him. It was an unwinnable battle. He was getting tired.
How long was he going to sit there? What would he do after he returned to Asuka?
He didn't want to face such questions. What was wrong with sitting just a little more in this pleasantly dark and quiet place?
There was absolutely nothing wrong with it. But it wouldn't solve anything. He was running away again from a situation where he had to take action.
Yes, he knew it himself! But was it necessary to do anything right now? He was so tired. He needed some time to rest.
No. It was just a convenient lie. He wasn't tired. He was afraid. Afraid to get hurt, afraid to face the truth, afraid to accept the reality.
So what if he was?! He had no idea what to do. Anything he would do would make matters worse! Anything he said was wrong! Anything he did was wrong! When he did nothing it was wrong too! His whole existence was wrong. He just wanted to be in a place where nobody would hate him just for being alive. He wanted so badly to hear that it was ok for him to be in this world.
He felt so helpless. It was no wonder nobody wanted him. Weak sobs broke the silence.
He just cried for a while.
Eventually, the tears stopped. His mind became too numb to care about the thoughts that tortured him. He was too tired to push them away. So he let them swarm his mind.
What was he complaining about? Would he dare to say that he was a victim and did nothing wrong? He knew how low he fell, better than anyone.
No. Asuka was right to hate him. Of course he knew what she was mad about. But it didn't help at all with the question – what did he have to do now? He wished he had known what he could say to fix the situation. In the stories he read or watched, heroes always had something clever to say. They knew words to make others understand them, to mend friendships. But he was no hero.
Were there any words at all that could fix this? He doubted it. It didn't matter anyway, because even if there were, there was not a single chance he would be able to find and say them.
So would he hide forever? Would he run away to never see her again? He didn't believe she would want to be near him. He remembered her shouting "Just stay away from me!", angrier than he ever saw her. But it felt wrong. He owed her an apology, a proper one. It would not bring anything good. It would only hurt him one way another, but he had to do it. It was his penance.
Shinji felt that if he would not do it, there would be no hope left for him in the world.
Shinji was walking back to the camp. He felt awful. His mood was swinging between anxiety, despair and paralyzing fear. The only thing that kept him going was his lack of any choice. He knew he had to do it. He just had no idea how.
He found Asuka curled up on the bed. There was no way she didn't hear him coming, but she paid no attention to him. He hesitated. He forgot every single line that he planned to say as soon as he saw her. He had to be talking right now, but he had no words to say. Panic seized him.
Minutes were passing, he couldn't get himself under control.
Asuka lost her patience first.
"Why did you come back?"
She waited for an answer. It felt like eternity passed. None came. Shinji couldn't force out any sound.
"Leave me alone."
He hated himself. How pathetic he was to not be able to say anything. What was the point in his existence if he wasn't able to do even that? It was so tempting to follow her demand. He would leave everything he managed to gather to her, crawl into some dark and secluded corner and wait until he would be no more. He knew a few places where nobody would be able to find him. It would be such an easy way to end his torment. A clear path to oblivion. No more worries. No more uncertainty.
But he had done that once already. He knew that promises of an easy way out were empty. It didn't solve anything.
He had a glimmer of hope that maybe he was not as worthless as he felt. Maybe if he would manage to honestly apologize he would be able to love himself one day and find a little bit of happiness. This hope was so vulnerable, he felt it could be extinguished easily by a few well-honed words. Asuka knew plenty of such words. She could destroy the only thing that still kept him alive. She had power over him, over his life. He was terrified of her and her words. It was that terror that caused a panic attack when he saw her on the beach. That terror made him try to choke her. That terror made everything worse than he ever could imagine. He could not allow it to command him anymore. Shinji had to overcome it and put himself at the girl's mercy.
"I… I was in the wrong," he almost fainted from the mental effort it took him to say these words.
He was waiting for the explosion to follow. She clearly stated that she wished him to leave. How else could Asuka react to him refusing her demand?
Now. It will happen now. He prepared for the worst. The whole universe stopped for him.
"I said leave!"
He didn't move.
"Don't test my patience! I have very little of it left."
"Are you deaf? Leave me alone!" she growled. "Run away as you always do!"
"What are you waiting for, dummkopf? Do you need a special invitation?"
"Get lost!" she bellowed.
"Get out! Or I swear, tomorrow you will have fewer teeth than you had yesterday!"
She continued to use every threat and insult she knew on the idiot named Shinji Ikari. She exhausted her vocabulary of obscene words but didn't achieve anything. He was still there.
Asuka was staring at him intently.
"You are such a wimp, but sometimes you can be stupidly stubborn. You aren't going to leave, are you?"
The outburst exhausted her. There seemed to be no strength left in the girl's voice.
"Are you going to stay silent for eternity?"
Shinji was trying to form an answer, but he was interrupted again.
"Yes, you were in the wrong. It is not hot news, idiot. Now what?"
"I wanted to apologize."
He came closer, slowly kneeled in a deep bow, his forehead and palms touching the earth.
"I am sorry. I am truly sorry, Asuka."
Shinji stayed in a bow. She was so furious just because he approached her. He tried not to think how she would react to him daring to talk to her. He expected her to explode again.
After a very long pause she answered.
"This kneeling bothers me. At least have the decency to look me in the eyes."
The girl's voice lacked the fury he expected. He didn't know what it meant, which scared him even more. He returned back to sitting position. The fact that he could see only one of her eyes didn't help. It was also his fault. He didn't know if her other eye was ok under the bandages. Pangs of guilt gnawed at him. His hands were trembling. He clenched and unclenched them to get it under control. It didn't help much.
Asuka didn't say anything. He saw her looking at him intently. Her gaze was burning him. His actions and words were inadequate, Asuka was waiting for something. Her words from the past were ringing in his head: "Pathetic."
"Punch me. Please," he blurted out his last idea.
She slapped him wholeheartedly. His left cheek burned. But nothing else changed, Asuka was still waiting in silence. He was lost. He played all his cards and could not think about anything else.
"Do you believe it solved anything?"
"N-No."
"So what now?"
"I'm sorry. I don't know. I didn't think that far."
He could read 'Really? Are you that stupid?' in her stare.
"That is just what Toji did when he was apologizing to me. I am an idiot. 'I'm sorry' is all I know, but it is not enough. Nothing I can say is enough."
Asuka sighed and shook her head in disbelief.
"You are helpless. Do I have to do even that for you? Do I have to tell you what to do even in a moment like this?"
No, she didn't owe him anything. He tried and failed miserably. There was nothing left for him to do. He had no reason to disobey her will anymore. If she had told him to leave now he would do as she wished.
Asuka looked lost in thoughts, though. He didn't know what could be distracting her for so long.
"Fine. I want to hear what exactly you are sorry for," she said at last. She caught him trying to look away from her and crushed the attempt in its roots "And look into my eyes!"
Asuka wasn't screaming at him. Not really. He knew how she could be when she was truly mad. She was talking with calmness that he never expected from her. He didn't know what it meant and where this was going, which scared him. Did she want to extend his suffering, pay him back in full? It was only fair, so he tried to follow her order the best he could.
"I am sorry for…" he started and caught Asuka scowling at the words. "I regret…" he corrected himself. "I regret that… I did nothing… to help you… in the last battle." He had to put enormous effort to get words out of his mouth.
She was still looking at him. He had to continue.
"It was my fault… I failed you." Tears were rolling on his cheeks.
"Yes, you did. 'Shinji will be there as soon as he can,' they said."
There was no anger in her voice, just pain. Asuka trusted him and he betrayed her. He wasn't there for her when she needed him the most.
"I still don't understand it. One day you jump into a volcano without any safety measures to save my ass and another you won't do anything!" she became more agitated as she spoke.
"I'm sorry. I just wanted all of it to end. I never thought it would end like this. I had no idea."
"And how did you want it to end? Didn't you get a hint that something is not right when you had a pistol put to your head?! Or was it a satisfactory end to you?"
"It was," he said quietly.
His response left her speechless. A few minutes passed until she recovered from the shock.
"Idiot! How could you think like that…" she didn't continue, interrupted by some thought. Asuka turned away. Was she ashamed of something? Shinji couldn't imagine what it could be.
She was immersed in her thoughts for a while. Finally, she snapped out of whatever occupied her mind and looked at him again.
"You are not done yet. Go on with the next thing you are sorry for!"
The ordeal was far from over.
"I… I'm sorry for how I spoke to you in that place."
It went easier for him now. The hardest part was to say the first apology. He even felt a bit of relief. Acknowledging each of his failures lifted a bit of weight from his shoulders.
She was thinking about something. She must have been choosing some specific words of his to demand an apology for. He said so many stupid things, she had a long list to choose form.
"You said then that you do understand me. I didn't believe you. But maybe I should have. So. Prove me wrong. Show me. What exactly do you understand? What words do you want to take back? And what do you want to say that you haven't said then?"
Shinji couldn't understand Asuka's expression. He saw in it a wild mix of anger, pain but also… hope?
Unfortunately, he was not up to the challenge Asuka set for him.
"I'm sorry. I was wrong. Every word of mine was stupid. I shouldn't have said anything."
He told her that he wanted to help. It wasn't a lie, but the promise wasn't sincere either. The only thing he cared about was to get her help, no matter the cost. He was eager to say anything she would want to hear and lashed out when it didn't work.
"And I shouldn't have done anything," he added.
It hurt him to see how disappointed Asuka looked. Clearly, she hoped for another response. He had failed her again.
"You do too much of 'doing nothing' already," she snapped.
Shinji felt just hinting at what he meant was not enough. He had to say it.
"I shouldn't have been choking you…"
"Yes, you shouldn't," she interrupted him. "Anything else?"
He was baffled that Asuka didn't comment or ask questions about it. Did she want to avoid this topic? It couldn't be that it just didn't matter to her that he tried to kill her twice. Shinji didn't know what to think of it.
Then the tone of her question sank in. He knew what she meant. Cold sweat broke out on his forehead. He had been postponing the hardest topic for as long as he could. He had exhausted the list of transgressions, only one point was left. There was nowhere to run from it.
"I am… very ashamed of… and deeply regret… what I did to you in the hospital."
He didn't know what else he could say, but Asuka was definitely not satisfied yet. He wished for earth to split underneath him and save him from the girl's gaze.
"I had asked you some questions before. I want to hear the answers," she said slowly as she saw that he was not going to add anything.
Questions? What questions was she talking about? Then he remembered their last talk. Oh no…
"Did you like my body?"
The words pinned Shinji down. He was panicking and breathing hard. How could he answer it?
"I. Want. An answer." Asuka growled, leaving him no choice.
"I… Your body… was… is…" everything he was going to say felt complete wrong. Finally, in a rare moment of enlightenment he found the words.
"You are… beautiful."
He couldn't look directly in her eyes, contrary to Asuka's instructions. His stare was focused somewhere around her chin or neck. But he could see in his peripheral vision that his words had an effect on her. She still looked angry, but there was something else in the girl's expression. He felt he saw a shadow of smirk in a corner of her mouth. Why did she look so… triumphant?
Her voice was softer when she spoke next.
"Did you enjoy your… handwork?"
"No. I never felt worse. I wished to be erased from existence." And he almost got this wish fulfilled if not for Misato.
The smirk disappeared from the girl's face. Somehow he had upset her again.
She slapped him once more. It was his right cheek this time.
"Idiot! Never do it again!"
She didn't have to say it. He couldn't imagine himself repeating it.
"Enough. I don't want to talk about it ever again," she said after a long pause.
Asuka slumped back onto the folded blanket and turned away from him. He waited for her to say something, but it looked like she didn't want to continue the talk. He waited. Minutes dragged on. The silence made him anxious. Shinji didn't want to irritate her anymore. It must have been unpleasant enough for her to talk to him and remember all of this. So he tried to be as quiet as possible to not attract her attention. His legs became uncomfortably numb. He wanted to change the pose but the slightest movement caused small rocks to rattle underneath him. The sound felt deafening to him.
Was it over? What was the result of this ordeal?
Asuka listened to him. He was glad it happened. But did it change anything?
He didn't believe it did. How could it?
Shinji was at the limits of his strength. He wouldn't be able to keep his composure for long. He did what he had to. It was time for the hardest part.
He allowed himself to look at the girl. He wanted to burn the image of her into his memory, to never forget her intoxicating beauty. He expected it to be the last time he would ever see her. He felt she noticed his gaze but it didn't matter anymore.
"Goodbye, Asuka. I'm sorry," his lips were moving, but he didn't make any sound. He couldn't force himself to say it aloud.
He stood up slowly, his legs were shaky.
Something in his behavior must have alarmed the girl.
"What are you doing?"
"You told me to not come near you. I'm sorry that I disobeyed your will today. It won't happen again."
She looked at him in bewilderment. Then the meaning of his words sank in. And then she was truly mad.
"Sure! You would want to run away again! Why should I be surprised? What was the point of coming back then?!"
"I had to," he spoke somberly.
"Why?! You could just start your journey without all the trouble! Do you think you did such a great job here and I would forgive everything after a few words? It was pathetic! It would take a lot more to…"
He couldn't take it anymore. He was past the breaking point.
"I know!" Shinji roared, stunning the redhead. Right now he didn't care how she would react, his usual anxiety gone. Pain and despair didn't leave any place for any other feelings.
"I had to do it because I would hate myself even more if I didn't!"
He was crying again as he spoke.
"I didn't expect anything," he continued. "I know you hate me. I deserved it. Nothing I can ever do would make you forgive me. I'm an idiot, but even I understand it."
He couldn't stay. He had no hope to ever see Asuka being friendly to him, and her coldness was a constant reminder of his failures. The guilt was eating him alive. Somehow he avoided thinking about it while Asuka was recovering, and he couldn't leave her in such a state. But it couldn't continue for long.
Him going away was also what Asuka wanted, wasn't it? She said it herself more than once.
He hoped she would see the logic in his words and calm down. 'You are right. I don't want to see you. Leave now' would have made it so much easier for him. But her expression couldn't be further from being calm. She looked to be on the verge of tears. He never saw her like this. There was so much pain in her one uncovered eye. He caused it and it was killing him.
Where did he miscalculate? Why was everything going horribly wrong again?
"What else can I do?" he pleaded. "What do you want me to do, Asuka? I don't understand."
Asuka tried to say something, without success. She closed her eyes. At last she managed to whisper two words.
"Don't go."
The words struck him down. His legs lost the ability to support his weight, he dropped onto the ground. There was nothing left of his determination, the very core of it destroyed in an instant.
Asuka was looking at him. It was not enough for her.
"Promise me you won't go," she demanded.
Shinji had no other choice but to respond.
"I promise."
Shinji stayed as she asked.
Her last words were burning in Asuka's mind.
The talk had been going well. She was in control and even managed to get some satisfying results from it. She was glad to hear his apology, but there was no way she could show it, so she turned away from him. She needed some time to gather her thoughts and figure out what her next move would be.
And then it turned into a nightmare. She had no idea what possessed him.
The determination in Shinji's eyes scared her to the bones. He wasn't joking. He wasn't trying to bluff to extort some promise from her. She would have sent him to hell herself if he tried to. No, he did mean it.
Her attempts to regain control failed, Shinji didn't even flinch from her insults. He just kept looking at her with a strange expression. Until she crossed the line and he exploded.
Her pride demanded to let him know his place. She didn't need him. She would be ok without him. He should be happy that his presence was still tolerated! How dared he to ask anything from her?!
But was that what she wanted? Did she want to let him be close on the condition that he will be her obedient slave?
She saw him like that. A drone without any will of his own, eager to pleasure anybody around him and without backbone to stand up for himself. The usual Shinji. He was so easy to manipulate. Was that what she wanted?
No. She despised and hated this version of Shinji with a passion.
It was strange, but in the moment when he hurt her so much he showed the qualities she admired in him. He came to a decision, even though it was a stupid one, and was determined to assert his will. At that moment he was in control.
And he didn't ask for anything. She did.
She hated what she said. So pathetic. She couldn't make him do what she wanted and had to plead. He stayed, he promised he wouldn't leave. She couldn't show him how relieved she was to hear it. She had got hopelessly attached to him. Old promise broken and forgotten.
Was he worth it? She believed nobody in the world was worth getting close to. No one would love her, no one would understand her. All of them would leave her sooner or later. Shinji wasn't an exception. He was a mistake she didn't have the will and strength to correct.
She hoped so much that he would try to challenge her words "You really think you can ever know me?" and prove her wrong. Maybe the idiot did understand at least something. Maybe he just had trouble saying it, like he usually did. But Shinji didn't even try. She hated how he surrendered without any resistance.
At least he had found the courage to come to her and acknowledge his mistakes. When he ran off again she thought it was over. She wasn't even angry at him anymore, all she felt was just a dull emptiness in her heart. But then he returned. It wasn't a dramatic and touching speech about him finally understanding how much she had meant for him and how big of an idiot he was. She could only wish.
Instead of it she had to listen to the mess he managed to mumble out. But Shinji did put in the effort and tried his best. She saw that it wasn't easy for him. He wouldn't do it if she meant nothing to him, would he?
Asuka didn't know if he would be true to his words. Who could tell, maybe the idiot would double down into his old ways the very next day. She didn't want to think about it. She believed that his regret was sincere. It was the first time she felt that his "I'm sorry" meant anything. Maybe it was a point of change?
It was a hard day for her, but there was a counterweight to all her disappointments and sorrows. She played his confession in her mind again and again. "You are beautiful." It made her blush. He didn't lie, she was sure of it. Idiot Shinji looked too embarrassed to fake it. She felt euphoric. Finally, he acknowledged it! Why couldn't he say it in normal circumstances? Why did it have to be like that? Whatever. It cost her a lot to get these words out of him, so she was going to enjoy them!
She had been basking in the afterglow of the event until a sudden thought broke her out of it. Was she still beautiful? She shot a worried look at her right hand, touched the bandages on the left eye. She didn't feel any injuries, but she was too afraid to see what was under the bandages. They had to stay for now.
Perhaps she should be happy that she had only a slight reminder of the injuries from her last fight. She shuddered from the thought of how it would have looked if the wounds had manifested in full. Having only one eye would have been bad enough, but she couldn't even imagine herself living with only one functional hand. Her mood was irreparably ruined.
She was watching him preparing their meal. Shinji looked like he could fall asleep from fatigue any moment. His gaze was unfocused. He was moving completely on autopilot.
The food was ready. They ate in silence.
She didn't have much energy left either and even if she did have some, she had no idea what they could talk about now. Some questions were answered today, but new ones arose and took their place.
At least she wasn't eating alone now. For the first few days she was so weak he had to feed her. She ended this practice as soon as possible in a loud and angry way. The real reason behind it was her being too embarrassed that she enjoyed some aspects of it. After that he used to put the food down and escape quickly with the pretense of having some urgent tasks. Idiot. Like there was anything for them to do for the rest of the day and as if she didn't see him staring aimlessly at the sky for hours.
She sighed. All they had was a crate of some military rations or emergency supplies, she wasn't sure. She hadn't asked where Shinji got it. They should be glad to have at least that, but she hated the food. It was absolutely disgusting. She'd kill for Shinji's cooking from the time they were living with Misato. Ironic. She would never believe it if somebody told her that she would be thinking about that period as "good old times".
Sun was already over the horizon, but the sky in the west was still getting some light. Night chill was creeping into the air.
Asuka started preparing for the night. Shinji was still completely immersed in his thoughts. Finally, he noticed her staring at him. He clearly misunderstood the unspoken message. She saw confusion and anxiety on his face. She decided to show mercy and leave it without a comment. But it was clear she had to intervene before Shinji had a chance to do something stupid again.
"I said don't go. Where is your bed? Bring it here."
"I don't have any."
"Ha-ha. Very funny. Stop fooling around and try better next time. Where did you sleep the whole last week?"
"I slept there…" he pointed in the direction of a pile of rubble not far away. "…on the rocks."
She looked at her bed. She was sure it used to be his own. The idiot had surrendered his place to her without saying a word once again. There were few blankets in her possession, but he didn't even try to claim one for himself.
"Are you stupid?" she cried, following it with crumpling a blanket of hers into a ball and throwing it into the idiot's head. He didn't dare to object.
The sky was clear and the stars bright. That night, two lonely figures were lying a little closer to each other than the nights before.
Notes:
This is the first chapter of a longer story. I plan to continue it, but please don't expect it to be quick. This one took a lot of time.
I want to say big thank you to everyone who helped me with this work, especially to: skyfox, Quietly-Confident, Derantor, TheFifth, MAD_Marty, Richitzer, greg242, YourBlandestNightmre, toasterman
Also I want to thank Asushin discord server. I'd haven't started this work without it.