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Tendou checked the time on his phone.
11.57 pm. He sighed.
He was turning seventeen tomorrow, and he couldn't wait to hear his soulmate's voice. Is it going to be a girl? A boy? Or else? Are they kind? Brave? Smart? How old are they? Will they love Tendou?
He had so many questions. His mother told him about the process lots of times. You would get to hear your significant other's voice when you turn 17, and you'd both get one question a day, slowly getting to know each other. And if you're lucky, and they don't live an ocean away, you can meet them without bigger preparations. Tendou couldn't wait to meet his other half.
11.59 pm. Was time always this slow? Tendou's hands started fidgeting. Maybe he should go back to sleep? He probably wouldn't be able to, though. So he decided to just stare into the darkness. Only one minute.
He glanced at the screen again. 00.00 am. Finally! He almost squealed, but he put his hands on his mouth. He closed his eyes, and focused to see if he can hear anything, but there was only silence. Nothing.
What happened? He didn’t understand. Maybe his soulmate was asleep? Maybe they didn’t know that Tendou was turning seventeen today? He got out of bed, and slowly made his way to his parents’ room, “Mum?” he whispered, standing next to the bed. His mum stirred, and lifted her head up.
“Satori? Is everything okay?” she whispered back. Tendou squatted down so she could hear him more clearly.
“I can’t hear anything,” he answered.
“What?”
“My soulmate. I can’t hear them,” he tried not to sound emotional.
“Oh honey. It’s the middle of the night, they might be asleep. You should be, too,” her voice was tender, but it didn’t comfort Tendou.
“Yeah, you’re probably right. Sorry I woke you up,” he stood up, and walked towards the door.
“Hey, Satori,” his mother called after him. He turned around, “Happy birthday,” Tendou could hear from her voice that she was smiling. He beamed, too.
“Thank you, mum,” and he went back to his room.
In the morning, he was restless – although he didn’t get much sleep, “You know,” his mother glanced up at him from behind her coffee. Tendou immediately looked at her curiously. “Maybe they haven’t turned seventeen yet. You can never know. It only works if both of you have reached it.”
“So… I have to wait more?” his posture shrunk, and he suddenly felt really unmotivated.
“Maybe,” his mother smiled at him, apologetic. It didn’t help.
“How much?” Tendou pouted.
“I don’t know. You can’t know your soulmate’s age. Yet.”
“Wonderful,” he sighed, and leaned backwards, falling onto the couch.
“Don’t lose hope. The time will come eventually. Be patient, Satori,” yeah, well, it was easier said than done.
xxx
There wasn’t a day when Tendou didn’t think of his soulmate, waiting for something, anything. He tried to distract his thoughts from it, but it was always there, in the back of his mind. When. When’s that day? A week away? A month away? Years away? The uncertainty drove him mad.
“You shouldn’t stress about it,” Semi had always said when he saw that Tendou was lost in thoughts.
“It’s easy for you to say, Semi Semi. You found Shirabu before you even turned seventeen,” Tendou would always roll his eyes in response.
“That’s different,” it wasn’t.
“Sure, sure,” he would always leave him to it. He couldn’t convince him anyway.
Now, Tendou was laying on his bed, earphones plugged in, and he was fidgeting with a small ball. More than two months had passed since he’d turned seventeen.
“And I will wait, I will wait for you,” Marcus Mumford sang.
Tendou squeezed his eyes closed. Yeah, sure. It was ironic. But just how much will I have to wait?
Why was he listening to this song, anyway?
Oh, yeah. He didn’t have the strength to skip it, so he played along, quietly humming the lyrics now and then.
“Do you sing often?”
Tendou screamed, and jolted up. The low voice came out of nowhere, sending shivers down his spine. It felt new, but still familiar. It was the most comforting sound he’d ever heard. Why was it affecting him this way?
He stopped the music, and glanced around, looking for the source, but there was no one else in his room. Then the recognition struck him like lightning. His soulmate.
Suddenly, his door opened, and his mum came in. “What happened? I heard a scream. Are you okay?”
“Yes… I just… I think that my soulmate finally turned seventeen,” he said, but he didn’t look at his mother. He still couldn’t believe it. Did the time finally come?
“Oh, that’s wonderful! I’ll leave you to it, then,” she looked relieved and glad, and slowly left the room.
“I’m sorry, was it too sudden?” his soulmate asked. His (Tendou was pretty sure that it was a boy) voice sounded concerned.
“Oh, I’m- No, it… It wasn’t,” of course he doesn’t find his words at a time like this.
“I’m glad,” and he didn’t say anything else. After a few seconds, Tendou finally realized that he was waiting for an answer.
“Uhm, I… I don’t sing often. Well, not professionally. I just like to, you know, sing along to songs I like,” he explained. Why was he so flustered? He tried to shrug it off.
“I understand. You have a very nice voice,” the answer came. Blunt, is what first came to Tendou’s mind.
“Why thank you,” Tendou blushed, “But wow, you definitely sound polite,” he smiled.
“I try.”
“But wait, you just wasted your question on something so small,” he pouted.
“I don’t mind. We have plenty of time,” that made Tendou’s heart flutter.
“But you don’t even know what’s my name, so it won’t be fair if I ask yours.”
“You’ll just have to wait, then, and ask another question,” his soulmate stated. Wait.
“Fine,” Tendou sighed, then thought about his question. It wasn’t original, but he couldn’t think of anything else at the moment. “Do you have a pet, then?”
“Yes, I have a dog. His name is Eiji.”
“That’s a cute name,” Tendou beamed.
“I guess.”
“It’s a shame that I can’t ask more.”
“We can’t do much about it. But we will get to know each other. With time,” the boy tried to comfort him.
“Yeah, I know, patience and all. Ugh,” Tendou grimaced. He heard a small, faint chuckle. He wanted to hear that again.
“Well, didn’t you just sing about that? About waiting.”
“What, that song? Oh yeah,” he laughed. “I like it, but I’m not very good at waiting. You know. I’m a little impatient.”
“I figured,” there was quiet for a while. “I have to go, my grandmother is here.”
“Oh, okay. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, I guess?” Tendou wanted to talk more, but he couldn’t ask more questions today anyway.
“Yes,” that was it. And he didn’t hear anything else from him that day, but that was okay. Like he’d said, they had time.
Tendou walked in the kitchen, and found his mother making dinner, “Hello, Satori,” she smiled when he approached her. “So, have you talked to your soulmate?”
“Yes, I did! I don’t know his name though.”
“So he’s a boy?” she asked. Tendou nodded. “That’s great! Oh, and then, what else did you learn about him?” his mother looked surprised.
“He has a dog. His name is Eiji,” he told and beamed. His mother laughed. “What is it, mum? Did I say something funny?”
“Just that you know his dog’s name sooner than his own name,” Tendou shook his head, but he was smiling, too. “This is going to be good.”
“I really hope so,” he sighed.
xxx
He was glad that it was summer, because if he would’ve had to go to school, it would’ve been the death of him; he didn’t sleep much. He couldn’t wait to talk to his soulmate more.
“Why am I so impatient?” he asked from the ceiling, but didn’t get an answer. It didn’t surprise him.
“I don’t know. Why are you?” or he did get an answer.
Tendou screamed, yet again. Wow, his nerves are in good shape. After long seconds of panting, he finally recognised the voice, “I’m sorry, I scared you again, didn’t I?” he heard his soulmate’s voice.
“No, you… Okay, you scared me a little. But it’s okay! I’m glad that I can finally hear you,” he sighed. His door opened, and his mother’s concerned figure popped up from behind the frame. “I’m sorry, mum, it’s just my soulmate.”
“I’m glad, I thought that something was wrong!” she looked relieved, and smiled. “But you should sleep, it’s getting late.”
“I know, sorry.”
“Good night, Satori,” his mother slowly closed the door. Tendou sighed.
“I’m going to give my mum a heart attack someday.”
“I’m terribly sorry,” his soulmate sounded so… honest.
“It’s okay, no worries. Like I said, I’m glad that I can talk to you.”
“You had to wait for me?”
“Yeah… Two months, or three? Something like that. Not that much, but… it felt like it.”
“I’m sorry,” there was that again.
In response, Tendou just giggled, “You don’t have to say sorry. Not your fault, like, at all,” he wasn’t mad, of course he wasn’t. Looking back, it wasn’t that bad, but at the time, he didn’t handle it well.
“So you’re older,” it wasn’t a question, it was a fact. Tendou laughed.
“Two months older. It’s not that much. I’m glad that I don’t have some pervy old man or something as a soulmate,” he snorted.
“I’m not very good with jokes. Or sarcasm,” the boy sighed. Tendou couldn’t help but smile.
“That’s okay. If it comes to that, I’ll help you.”
“Thank you,” suddenly, Tendou yawned. “You should probably sleep.”
“You should, too,” he replied without thinking.
“Good night, then.”
“Good night,” Tendou said, too, but it didn’t feel complete. He laid in silence for a couple of minutes, but then couldn’t help but say. “Hey, are you asleep?”
“No. Is everything okay?”
“Yes, I just… It feels so wrong to say good night without saying your name. I don’t know why.”
“Well, you can’t ask now.”
“Yeah… I’ll call you Miracle Boy,” Tendou smiled.
“Miracle boy?”
“Yup.”
There was a bit of silence. “Okay. If you want to.”
“Yay!” Tendou giggled. “Good night then, Miracle Boy.”
“Good night.”
The next day, he woke fully rested, which was weird. His first thought in the morning was Miracle Boy. Should he greet him with a ‘good morning’? No, he thought, maybe he’s still asleep, and I don’t want to be too much.
So, he ate breakfast first, and tried not to think of the boy. He tried.
“Are you okay, Satori? You seem a little distracted,” his mother asked. Tendou shook his head, trying to get back to reality.
“Yes, of course.”
“It’s your soulmate, isn’t it? Are you talking to him now?” he already knew that it was an option to whether say everything out loud, or just communicate with your thoughts when it came to soulmates, but he didn’t try to do it only in his mind yet.
“No. I mean, I’m not talking to him. I’m just… I don’t know,” he sighed.
“It’s okay, Satori. It’s all new and exciting, of course your mind’s all over the place. It was the same with me at the beginning,” she smiled, and she seemed to recall a memory.
“Thanks, mum,” it felt relieving that someone understood him.
Gosh, it’s only been a day, and I’m thinking about him a lot, Tendou realized. Was it supposed to be this way? Or was it just Tendou?
“Of course,” she winked at him. “C’mon, I’ll do the dishes. Go talk to prince charming.”
“Mum!” Tendou gasped, but there was a smile in the corner of his mouth. Yeah, maybe it all was a little soon, but he couldn’t wait for more.
He walked into his room, and plopped down on his bed. “Miracle boy?”
“Good morning,” he heard the response almost right away.
“Miracle boy! Good morning to you too,” chirped Tendou cheerfully.
“You seem to be in a good mood.”
“Indeed I am. Well, now that I can talk to you. I want to know more about you, Miracle Boy,” he smiled.
“It’s mutual. So, do you want to ask your question?”
“Yes,” he got lost in his thoughts for a while, but then he found just the right thing, “Do you do sports?” he thought of asking his name, but he was more than okay with Miracle Boy for now.
“No, I…” his soulmate seemed to get nervous.
“Oh, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to,” Tendou tried not to make a big deal of it.
“No, I want to… I used to play volleyball, but I don’t anymore. Since I started home-schooling, my mother doesn’t allow it, so I had to stop,” Tendou didn’t want to offend the boy or make him uncomfortable, so he didn’t push it further.
“Oh. I’m sorry if that was- I play volleyball, too.”
“That’s great. I like to watch volleyball on TV. It’s entertaining.”
“So, do you have a question for me?” he cleared his throat, avoiding the tons of questions about to slip out of his mouth.
“Yes, I do. What’s your name?”
“Hey, no fair! I didn’t ask your name!” Tendou pouted.
“Oh, I’m sorry. If that’s not okay with you-“
“No, it’s okay. At least you get to call me something, too. My name is Tendou Satori.”
“Satori,” Miracle Boy replied, if only to see if the name fits his mouth, “I like it. You have a beautiful name, Satori,” so blunt, Tendou giggled, but his cheeks were tinted pink.
“I would phrase it a little differently, but thank you.”
“Of course,” there was a bit of silence. “Do you want to tell me about volleyball?”
“Yes! I would love to,” Tendou smiled. He was glad that they found something that they were both interested in.
And they talked a lot about it that day - with small interruptions, of course. They talked about Tendou’s post, team, matches, who they’re both cheering for, the tournaments. Basically, about everything that’s volleyball, and a few things beyond that, too.
“Satori, you should sleep,” Miracle Boy reminded him, interrupting his rambling about nothing at all. Tendou glanced at the clock.
“It’s only 11 pm. It’s not that late.”
“But you need sleep,” the boy insisted.
“Okay,” Tendou sighed. “Good night then, Miracle Boy.”
“Good night, Satori.”
The next day, Tendou woke up late, and stretched with a loud yawn. “Good morning, Tendou,” Miracle Boy’s voice greeted him quietly. He winced.
“I have to get used to this…” he whispered. “Good morning, Miracle Boy.”
“I’m sorry, did I wake you?”
“No, don’t be sorry, I was already up,” Tendou smiled.
“How did you sleep?”
“It was okay, thanks. You?”
“I slept well, too.”
“Can I… Can I ask your name now?” impatience, again, but Miracle Boy knew his name, but he didn’t know his, so it was fair.
“Of course. My name is Ushijima Wakatoshi,” Ushijima Wakatoshi. Tendou couldn’t explain it, but his name fit him.
“Wakatoshi… Wakatoshi-kun… Hm,” he hummed, and pondered. “That’s too long, you’ll need a nickname.”
“Okay?” Ushijima sounded unsure, but intrigued.
“For example…” Tendou was thinking out loud, but the other boy didn’t seem to mind. “Oh, I got it! ‘toshi! Or Wakkun! I like these! Are these okay with you?”
“I don’t mind.”
“Wow, you sure sound excited,” Tendou rolled his eyes, but he was smiling.
“I don’t know where you got that,” he sounded genuinely questioning.
“It’s sarcasm, Wakkun,” the redhead laughed.
“Oh.”
“It’s okay,” Tendou smiled. “Do you want to ask me something?”
“Yeah…”
xxx
And that’s how they went on and on, asking the littlest facts about each other every day. Tendou absolutely loved talking with Ushijima. He learned that Miracle Boy was an only child, he loved to play with his dog, his favourite colour was red, and a lot more. Tendou got to know him so much better. He was blunt, simple, he didn’t say anything unnecessarily, and he really didn’t understand jokes, but he was mindful, kind, and he always found a way to comfort Tendou when he needed it.
Tendou avoided one topic, though: where they lived. He was afraid that Wakatoshi lived too far away. It was about three weeks later that he told the boy about his concern. Ushijima was staying up with him, because he couldn’t sleep; it was the middle of the night.
“What if you’re far away, Wakkun?” it was out of the blue, it just slipped out of his mouth. The question faded into the darkness, and for long, Wakatoshi didn’t answer.
“I’m sure we’ll find a way to be together, Satori. Don’t be afraid. I’ll sail the seas if I need to,” he sounded serious, and Tendou just knew that he was serious, and it made his heart melt.
“You’re so precious, ‘toshi,” he squeezed his eyes shut, beaming, and whispered. “Thank you.”
And it just struck him. He wanted to meet this boy so bad.
“Of course. I’m here if you need to talk about anything, you know that.”
“Yes,” Tendou gripped his blanket’s edge. “I want to meet you.”
“You just have to ask where I live.”
“Yeah, but… It’s scary,” he felt horrible. He felt weak.
“Then we’ll wait until you’re ready. It’s okay,” Ushijima’s voice somewhat calmed him down.
“I will wait, I will wait for you,” Tendou sang quietly with a smile in the corner of his mouth, recalling the first conversation he had with the boy. It was less than a month ago, but he felt like he’d known him forever.
“Exactly,” he could hear on his voice that Ushijima was smiling, too. It was one of the rare moments when he did. Tendou wanted to see his smile.
That night, Ushijima stayed up with him until he could finally go to sleep. He didn’t say anything that wasn’t needed, and it was perfect that way. That was one of his traits that made him so different from Tendou, but it wasn’t a problem, in fact, it just helped them grow closer faster.
Tendou wished that he could say that he got braver soon after that conversation. He did not. He was still afraid of the possible distance between him and Wakatoshi, but it was much better knowing that the boy was still there for him, all day and every day.
He could only summon the courage after another month of late night talks, questions, and hardly explained jokes. It was a weekend, so Tendou stayed late in his bed.
“Good morning, Satori,” Ushijima greeted him. The redhead smiled as soon as he heard the familiar voice.
“Good morning, Wakkun,” he stretched sloppily. “How are you?”
“I’m fine, thank you. What about you?”
“Same here,” after that, he drank a cup of coffee, waking up fully. He commented on his own movements to Ushijima, just because why not. The boy listened to him patiently. They got used to that; Tendou did the talking most of the time, and Ushijima listened to his every word, replying when he felt like it.
After breakfast, Tendou decided to go for a walk to a near park. It felt good to just turn his mind off a little bit. When he arrived, he sat down on a bench, and closed his eyes, soaking in the rays of sunshine. The birds were chirping, the light autumn breeze played with his hair every now and then. “I wish you were here…”
“Patience, Satori,” Ushijima replied. “I’m sure I’ll be there, when you’re ready.”
Tendou opened his eyes. “Maybe I am ready?”
“You don’t sound sure. You don’t have to hurry if-“
“No, I feel like… I’m ready,” he took a deep breath, and pondered on how he should ask it, “Are you- Do you live in Miyagi Prefecture, Japan?” there was silence. Longing for an answer, Tendou got even more nervous. “Wakatoshi-kun?”
“I… I live exactly there,” the redhead couldn’t believe his ears. He almost squealed with delight. That’s why he was so afraid?
“Really?”
“Yes,” Ushijima sounded surprised, but happy at the same time. Tendou knew that he was smiling.
“Gosh, I’m so happy, I want to jump!” Tendou was happily fidgeting with the edge of his shirt, suddenly having too much energy and serotonin.
Ushijima laughed. He laughed. Tendou freezed right away, and blinked twice. During the months he knew the boy, he only heard him quietly chuckle, but never laugh this clear and this loud. He wanted to preserve the moment, and replay it again and again. The low melody did something indescribable with his heart. This should be illegal.
“I can’t wait to meet you, Wakkun,” he whispered, feeling everything on another level. He was lucky that no one was in the park.
“I can’t wait to meet you, either, Satori,” Ushijima almost never expressed his emotions through his sentences, but now, Tendou could exactly hear and know what he was feeling. He couldn’t name the feeling, but he felt the same.
xxx
Arranging a meeting was harder than Tendou ever imagined. Sometimes it was his volleyball matches (he said that it’s not a problem if he skips one, but Ushijima just dismissed him with a “You shouldn’t miss out on anything because of me” and he didn’t accept any further reasoning), or they had school, or life just felt like it needed to screw with Tendou – at least that’s what he believed. The redhead felt that exact ‘fuck it all, I’ll just barge into his house’ a lot of times, but he restrained himself.
And because of those, Tendou couldn’t believe it when they found a long-weekend in January when they could finally meet up. It was after five months of knowing each other, and Tendou felt like he couldn’t wait any longer – his impatience really didn’t go away. They agreed that they will meet at the train station, and stay at Ushijima’s place afterwards.
“How am I going to know that it’s you?” Tendou asked him after Ushijima told him when his train was supposed to depart and arrive there.
“I’m sure you will.”
“Well, thank you, that helps.”
“Really?” Ushijima sounded so honest and pure, Tendou almost didn’t want to explain it for him.
“Sarcasm, Wakkun,” Tendou laughed.
“Oh. Sorry.”
“You don’t have to say sorry, it’s okay,” he smiled even though Wakatoshi couldn’t see it.
“Thank you,” Tendou shook his head, smiling. This boy is so polite.
xxx
Tendou felt a little dizzy from the train, but it wasn’t that bad. He got off the vehicle carefully, nervously gripping his bag, quickly adjusting his coat with his other hand. He looked around, trying to find Ushijima, but he remembered that he didn’t have a clue about the boy’s looks, so he bit his bottom lip, hoping that it would help on his nerves, and tried to move out of the crowd. Slowly, he made his way further from the platform, turning his head right and left, hoping to find any clue that can lead him to the boy. Then he spotted him.
His first thought was, Am I looking at the right person? Because he wouldn’t have guessed it from the smooth move he pulled: he was holding a little worn out, brown board with ‘Tendou Satori’ written on it. When Tendou saw it, he almost started laughing out loud, but he managed to reduce it down to a big grin.
After shaking off the shock, he could take in the sight of the boy, too. He was searching the crowd with beautiful olive coloured eyes, his lips pursed. His hair was matching his eye colour, making him absolutely ravishing. His posture was practically screaming ‘proud’, and he had a unique aura around him, but maybe it was just in Tendou’s mind.
He couldn’t help it, all the feelings, all the impatience of five months was suddenly weighing too heavy on his shoulders, and he started running in Ushijima’s direction. The people around him were looking at him like he was a freak – which he probably was, but that’s not the point -, but he couldn’t care less. He could finally be with his Wakatoshi!
“Wakkun!” he practically shouted, his grin never faltering, and he wrapped his arms around him tight as soon as he reached the boy. He nuzzled his face in Ushijima’s neck, who was just standing there, surprised.
“Satori?” he looked down at the boy with wide eyes.
“Who else?” Tendou smiled, slowly letting go of the taller, but Ushijima suddenly gripped his shoulders and hugged him back. Tendou laughed, “A little late reaction,” he could hear Ushijima’s heart beating loudly. Or was it his?
“You have red hair,” Ushijima stated, and Tendou chuckled.
“Indeed I do,” he looked up to meet his eyes, then pointed at the board with his name on it, which was now laying on the ground. He was far too amused for his own good. “I didn’t see you as someone who watches rom-coms.”
“What?” he asked, brows furrowed. Finally, Tendou thought, I can see him, too.
“It’s kind of a cliché, they always hold boards like these on airports at some cheesy scene.”
“Oh. Well, I only watched one, and that was the one that you’ve talked about once.”
“You watched what I recommended?” Tendou’s mouth was left hanging open. He remembered that afternoon. He was talking about this movie that he recently saw and he was amazed by it, but he didn’t think that Ushijima would watch it. “I was just jabbering, you know, like I always do.”
“I know,” Tendou thought that he saw a little smile in the corner of his mouth, but maybe it was just his imagination. “But I wanted to know what’s that you’re so fond of.”
“Awh, ‘toshi! You’re so sweet!” Tendou beamed, and hugged the boy again. He loved the way he fit in Ushijima’s arms way too much.
“I don’t know why you say that,” he hugged him back, though. Tendou chuckled.
After spending another few seconds in Ushijima’s arms, the redhead slowly let go of him, and looked up at the boy. He was indescribably happy. “So, lead the way?”
“Oh, yes, of course. Follow me,” he said, and extended his hand. Tendou looked at it questioningly. “I will carry your bag.”
“What a gentleman!” Tendou giggled, and handed the bag over. He walked beside Ushijima, picking up his pace.
They arrived to the his house in no time. After Wakatoshi opened the door, Tendou heard a loud bark, and a few seconds later he got to see it’s source, too. The brown furred dog ran to the door, and happily greeted his owner, then he approached Tendou. He sniffed his leg, nudged his shoe with his nose, and barked one cheerfully. Tendou chuckled.
“Hello there,” he carefully patted the animal’s head.
“Eiji seems to like you,” Ushijima stated, making Tendou smile.
“I’m glad,” he said. Ushijima closed the door behind them.
“Hello, Wakatoshi,” the boy’s mum came to greet them from the kitchen. Tendou suddenly became uncomfortably self-conscious. “Oh, and, hello, I suppose you are Satori.”
“Yes, I am. Thank you for having me, Ushijima-san,” he bowed politely.
“Of course,” she nodded. “If you need anything, you can ask me.”
“Thank you,” Tendou replied.
“I’m going to give Satori a tour around the house, then we’ll be upstairs, mother,” Wakatoshi said. She just nodded in response, and walked back to the kitchen.
Ushijima showed him around the house, then escorted him upstairs. He put Tendou’s bag down, “This is my room, make yourself at home,” Tendou peeked in. It was neat, the little decoration making it homey enough, and the walls were giving it a nice atmosphere with their pastel white and blue colours.
“You have a nice room, Wakkun,” he walked in and looked around another time. Ushijima sat down on his bed.
“Thank you,” Tendou sat beside him and tilted his head to the side.
“And where am I going to sleep?”
“We are going to lay down a futon next to my bed. If that’s okay.”
“Yeah, sure,” Tendou smiled, then leaned on the other boy, placing his head on his shoulder, and sighed. “Thank you.”
“Why are you thanking me?”
“I don’t know… Just that I can be here with you,” right after he finished the sentence, he regret it, pursing his lips. He didn’t mean to say that out loud. Was he being weird? He raised his head slightly and looked up to see the other boy’s reaction.
Ushijima – much to Tendou’s surprise – was smiling. Tendou’s heart skipped a beat. That’s the smile I’ve been waiting to see for so long.
“Then I’ll have to thank you, too. I’m glad that we can finally be together,” he glanced down at the redhead. The right words were hanging in the air between them, but neither of them needed to say it. They understood each other’s feelings, and that was enough for now. Tendou smiled and put his head back on the boy’s shoulder. Then, he reached out for his hand, and intertwined their fingers. Ushijima’s eyes widened in surprise at first, but then he smiled, placed his head on Tendou’s, and quietly hummed. Tendou chuckled. He’s so cute.
Tendou already loved the feeling of Wakatoshi close to him. After a while, he almost fell asleep, so - in hope of avoiding that - he shook his head, and asked, “Do you want to go somewhere?”
Ushijima winced at the sudden noise, but then answered. “Of course, if you want to.”
“Do you know a place?” Tendou asked.
“There’s a coffee shop near our house, or we could go to a park,” the boy offered after few moments of thinking. Tendou’s eyes sparkled at the sound of a café.
“Can we go to the coffee shop?”
“Yes, we can,” the edge of his mouth curved upwards. Tendou smiled, and got up immediately. He stretched and yawned, trying to shake the drowsiness off of him.
They went downstairs, and Ushijima walked in the kitchen, “We’re going to the café, mother,” he said. His mum looked up from the dish she’s been making, thought for a moment, then nodded.
“But take the dog out with you, too. He’s been restless all day.”
“Okay,” then, he looked at Tendou. “That’s not a problem, is it?”
“No, of course not,” he smiled.
After they’ve put on their coats, scarves and shoes, Ushijima put Eiji on his leash, too, and they exited the door. Tendou shivered at the sudden icy blow of wind, and pulled his coat tighter on himself.
“Aren’t you too cold? We have coats and sweaters if you want another layer,” Ushijima asked, but Tendou just beamed, and hid half of his face behind his scarf.
“You’re sweet, but I’m okay, thank you, Wakkun!” Eiji seemed really excited about finally being out, and nudged Ushijima’s, then Tendou’s leg, too, so they would finally get going. The redhead laughed. “I think we better go.”
“Yeah. I’ll lead the way,” and he started walking, with Tendou beside him.
“Aye, aye, captain,” he chirped, smiling widely. Ushijima furrowed his brows.
“I don’t understand.”
“Ah, it’s nothing important,” Tendou chuckled. “Don’t worry your pretty head about it,” this just made the boy’s brows furrowed even more, but he didn’t ask any further questions, which made Tendou laugh loudly.
They arrived at the café in no time. It’s lights were turned on even though it was daytime; enormous clouds were covering the sun, blocking the light from breaking through. It was an animal-friendly shop, so they let Eiji in, too, and thanks to his good training, his behaviour was excellent. Although, after they got their drinks, Tendou brought up the idea of drinking them while walking.
“If you’d like to,” Ushijima responded, so they stepped out of the café, and made their way to the park. The sun peeked out from behind the clouds now, but the sky was still greyish, and the wind was freezing.
While walking in the park, Eiji showed way too much interest to Tendou, especially his coffee. He was just sniffing up his legs first, but then he reared, and tried to reach the cup. Tendou spilled a little bit of the drink on himself, but immediately burst out laughing.
“I’m sorry,” Ushijima apologized, and scooted closer so he could try to get rid of the splash of coffee on the redhead’s clothing with a tissue. He gently rubbed the fabric, leaning close so he could see it better. Tendou could feel his breathing and the warmth of his body close to his. His breath hitched, and his heartbeat sped up. Ushijima, though, was totally oblivious of the situation, and just continued the process until he decided that he couldn’t help it any more. Then, he looked up at Tendou’s eyes, but his hands stayed on the other boy’s chest, gripping his coat, and he didn’t move away. “Usually Eiji behaves much better.”
“It’s no problem,” Tendou had a hard time finding his words. For other people, being this close to Ushijima might have been intimidating or weird, but they didn’t know how soft and pure the boy actually was. His closeness was almost intoxicating, but Tendou loved it. He was so glad that he got this boy as a soulmate.
Ushijima responded with a rare smile of his, which made Tendou beam too, “Come on, let’s continue walking,” the redhead held out his hand. Ushijima looked at it with a questioning look, so he helped him. “Can I hold your hand?”
“Oh. Yeah, of course,” he grabbed the boy’s hand. Tendou intertwined their fingers, and he couldn’t make his grin go away. He noticed that Ushijima’s cheeks were tinted faint pink, and he was smiling, too, which made his grin grow even wider.
They walked in the park almost until dusk, sometimes talking about absolutely nothing, sometimes just wandering with only the sound of the wind and the barking of Eiji interrupting the comfortable silence between them. Tendou felt much closer to Wakatoshi than before, and it was beyond wonderful.
When they arrived at Ushijima’s house, his mother was already waiting for them with freshly made dinner. At the dinner table, Tendou felt a little nervous and uncomfortable at first, but it became easier with time. Ushijima’s mother seemed scary, cold even, but she wasn’t a bad person, she just didn’t show her emotions – just as Wakatoshi at the first glance, only she looked a lot more intimidating and blank -, as Tendou later discovered.
The night came in no time. Tendou helped Ushijima prepare the futon, and after changing into pyjamas, they both laid down: Ushijima on his bed and Tendou on the futon.
The brown haired boy turned off the lights. Tendou closed his eyes and smiled.
“Good night, Wakkun,” he whispered.
“Good night, Satori.”
And Tendou tried to sleep, he really did, but something wasn’t right. He tried to listen to Ushijima’s quiet breathing, hoping that it would help, but it was too quick for a sleeping person. Knowing that he isn’t asleep either made Tendou even more restless. Plus, everything felt different at night; he couldn’t explain it, but he felt like he was braver.
“’toshi?” he whispered, hoping that he was right and the boy wasn’t asleep.
“Yeah?” he got an answer right away. He sighed in relief. He didn’t wake him.
“Can I… Can I cuddle you?”
There was silence for a while, and Tendou immediately regret the question. He thought that it wasn’t too fast but if Ushijima thought it was, then-
“Sure,” the boy finally spoke up, and although it couldn’t be seen, but Tendou’s eyes sparkled.
“Really?”
“Of course,” Tendou thought that Ushijima sounded like he was smiling, but he wasn’t sure.
He got up, and carefully stepped to the bed, hoping to see where he could lay. He slowly climbed on the bed, gently pushing away the sheets from the spot Ushijima left for him. He could hear the boy’s breathing change just slightly, quietly making him aware of his presence.
Tendou shifted a little, so that he was facing Ushijima. He felt arms wrapping around him, holding him close to the other boy’s body. He smiled into the darkness, and nuzzled even closer to Ushijima’s chest, inhaling the unique scent of his Wakatoshi.
“Thank you, Wakkun,” he whispered.
“Anytime,” it was so easy to believe him.
Tendou couldn’t explain the feeling of waking up beside him.
Ushijima’s warm body was pressed against his, his strong arms holding him as close as it was possible, his slow breathing letting Tendou know that everything was fine as long as he was there with him. He’d never felt their connection this strong, he felt like he’s already spent his entire life beside him, knowing him. He really did feel like his soulmate, and it made Tendou feel incredibly special. This boy belonged with him.
He didn’t know how much time he’d spent just enjoying being in Wakatoshi’s arms, but at some point, he felt his breathing change, and the boy started stirring slightly. He gave a low, distorted noise which Tendou couldn’t put anywhere, “Hello there, Wakkun,” he whispered with a little smile. Ushijima furrowed his brows, then opened his eyes. He focused his gaze on Tendou, and he just seemed to realize that he was holding him.
“Satori,” he stated, his voice a little raspy. Tendou’s smile grew wider.
“Me.”
“Good morning,” Tendou didn’t know how he did it, but his whole expression looked totally awake now, olive eyes scanning Tendou’s face just as always.
“You too,” he snuggled closer to him, suddenly feeling a rush of happiness. Ushijima seemed surprised, but he smiled. “Do you have anything planned for today?”
“No, I don’t.”
“Well, that’s a shame,” Tendou fake-pouted. “We can just stay in bed all day, then.”
“We’ll have to get up eventually, Satori.”
“Why?” he whined and tightened his grip around the boy. “It’s so comfy and warm here with you.”
“It is pleasant, yes, but we can’t do this all day.”
“Gosh, how can you be so… awake, you literally just woke up…” he complained, then turned his head upright so he could look Wakatoshi in the eyes. “Just five more minutes, please?”
The corner of the boy’s mouth twitched, almost curling upwards, “Only five,” he responded. Tendou grinned, and nuzzled his head in the crook of his neck, sighing.
It was way more than five minutes, but Tendou didn’t regret that. After Ushijima asked him to get up a hundred times, he finally got himself to do it with lots of whining and groaning, but he was finally on his feet. He yawned loudly and stretched, blinking slowly at Ushijima afterwards.
“Good morning, Wakkun,” he smiled, and wrapped his arms around the boy.
Ushijima furrowed his brows, but hugged him back anyway, “We already greeted each other, but good morning to you too, Satori.”
“Well thank you,” he let go of him, grinning. “Can we eat breakfast?”
“It won’t be breakfast, it’s already 11 am,” Ushijima stated, which made Tendou cackle loudly.
“Oopsies.”
“We can still eat if you’re hungry.”
“That would be nice,” he said, breaking into a yawn again.
After they ate and drank their teas, they went walking with Eiji to the park, but they came back after a little while, because the weather suddenly became a lot colder. Ushijima’s mother made them other cups of teas to help them warm up. They walked into Wakatoshi’s room with their drinks in their hands, and they sat down on the bed, covering themselves with a blanket, Tendou slightly leaning on the other boy. He gripped his cup with both hands, trying to feel the warmth even more.
“I wish I’d packed a warmer sweater.”
“Mother turned on the heater, but it takes a while for it to fully warm up the house. Until then I can give you a sweater,” Ushijima looked at him with a new and, from Tendou’s perspective, unidentified glint in his eyes.
“I’ll be fine, thanks, Wakkun. It’s better with the tea and cuddling,” he smiled. “This is what I like about winter.”
“Yes, it’s… It’s comfortable,” Tendou knew that Ushijima wasn’t really good at expressing himself verbally, and because of that he was so grateful that he tried. He tried because of Tendou, and that made Tendou feel all cosy and content.
“Oh! And I like snow about winter, too. I wish it’d snow more,” he pouted.
“Eiji likes snow, too.”
Tendou chuckled. “I knew I liked that dog for a reason.”
Half an hour, two cups of tea, cuddling, and lots of meaningless talking later, Tendou wasn’t cold anymore. He had his head on Ushijima’s lap, with his eyes closed, when the idea struck him.
“We should build a blanket fort!” his eyes opened, and he looked up at the other boy with a big smile on his face.
“Blanket fort?” Ushijima looked unsure, and Tendou stared at him, mouth agape.
“You’ve never built one?” Ushijima shook his head, and Tendou gasped dramatically. “You shouldn’t miss out on something like that! We’ll build one together.”
“Okay,” he nodded. Tendou got up, and clapped his hand, grinning widely.
They carried two chairs in Ushijima’s room. His mother looked at them questioningly, but didn’t ask anything.
When Tendou told Wakatoshi the instructions, the boy focused on doing it perfectly so much that he slightly stuck the tip of his tongue out in concentration. Tendou couldn’t help but laugh at the sight.
Ushijima looked up from what he was doing, furrowing his brows in confusion. “What is it?”
“Gosh, you’re so cute,” the redhead continued to laugh. Ushijima gave up at some point, and turned back to the fort. After Tendou somewhat calmed down, he got back to work, too. Soon, they only needed to put the clips on it to secure the whole thing.
“And we’re done!” Tendou smiled widely, and looked at Ushijima. “Want to try it?”
The boy nodded. Tendou got in first, then he climbed after him. They were pressed close to each other, Tendou could feel the warmth of Ushijima’s body right beside his. He hugged him, snuggling even further into his touch, and looked up to see his face. He looked… happy. His eyes were sparkling, and there was a little smile in the corner of his mouth.
“Was it worth the waiting?”
“What?” Tendou was caught off guard by the question.
“Meeting me, and everything. You said you had to wait, and even after you could hear me you had to wait even more to see me in person. Was it worth it?” Tendou blinked twice. He didn’t see Ushijima as someone who would ask it so directly. He answered honestly.
“Like I said, I was - and I still am - impatient, but…” he thought about the way he should phrase it. It was hard to say all that was inside of him. “If I’d have to do it again, I would. Because now you’re here, and that makes it worth everything and anything.”
Ushijima beamed. It was a wide, genuine smile. It made his features deepen and made him even more beautiful than usual. Staring into his olive eyes, Tendou has never seen the world oh so brightly.
xxx
A couple weeks later, they were staying at Tendou’s house, cuddled up on his bed. Tendou’s head was resting on Ushijima’s chest, and he was listening to his heartbeat. It was quite fast, but it was the same as it usually was when they’ve met. Tendou got used to it.
He looked up to see the boy’s face. His expression was peaceful, the dim light making his face just visible enough for Tendou to be able to devour the sight.
Tendou tapped his cheek three times.
The boy’s eyes shot wide open immediately, and his gaze found the redhead right away. Tendou frowned. He didn’t want to disturb him like that, “Sh, it’s okay, I’m sorry, Wakkun,” he whispered.
“No problem. Is everything okay?” he was slightly tilting his head to the side.
“Yes, it’s all good,” Tendou smiled tenderly. “I just can’t sleep.”
Ushijima furrowed his eyebrows. “How can I help?”
“I don’t know,” he sighed in response, looking up at the ceiling.
“I read somewhere that it helps some people if something’s regular. For example, if they are hearing or sensing something in a steady pace, it’s easier to fall asleep,” he locked gaze with Tendou, “Close your eyes. Trust me,” and Tendou did so. He took a deep breath as he felt a hand on his own. Ushijima started to gently tap his wrist with his thumb slowly, “I am here, relax, Satori,” he whispered. Tendou couldn’t help but smile, and he let his muscles ease. He felt indescribably safe and warm, and started to get sleepier. It was calming, feeling Ushijima’s presence constantly by not only his breathing or body warmth, but his constant touch, too. “Is this helping?”
“Yeah, I think so,” he beamed, keeping his eyes closed.
“Then I’ll keep doing it.”
“Thank you, Wakkun.”
“Of course. Good night, Satori,” his voice was soft, filled with care.
“Good night, Wakkun.”
The other day, they went for a walk around the town, just to spend time outside a little bit. The weather had gotten much better, the sun was shining brightly, although they still needed coats because of the freezing wind.
They were wandering around with their fingers intertwined, and Tendou was full of energy. He was glancing around constantly, looking for anything entertaining.
Suddenly, he stopped in his tracks, making Ushijima stop, too. There was a bodega that was selling flowers. Tendou smiled at the colourfulness of it and the genuine happiness that the sight was making him feel. He took a deep breath, inhaling the pleasant fragrance of it all. Ushijima was looking at his expression, slightly furrowing his brows as if he was thinking. Tendou glanced at him and chuckled. “Are you okay, ‘toshi?”
“Yeah,” he nodded.
“C’mon, we can continue walking now,” he lead him back to the pavement, and they continued to make their way down the street. Not far from the flower vendor, Tendou saw the sign of a place that he loved. His eyes sparkled, and he looked at Ushijima with a smile. “Wakkun, can we go there? They’ve got the best imagawayaki!”
“Sure, let’s go,” they walked to the building, and payed for a few sweets. They got them after a couple of minutes, and started to walk in a near park’s direction.
When they’ve finally sat down, Ushijima turned to Tendou. He tilted his head slightly, and asked the question. “Would you like a surprise?”
“What?” Tendou didn’t understand where that came from, but he still couldn’t stop himself from smiling.
“Can I bring you a surprise?”
Ushijima asked it so innocently, and still so meaningfully. It made Tendou’s beam widen. “I mean, sure, if you want to.”
At that, the boy stood up, handed his last imagawayaki to Tendou, and turned around. “I won’t be long.”
Tendou could only blink after him. That was sudden. He had time to experience the boy’s talking habits, his quietness, his motions, but sometimes he really couldn’t figure out what was going on in his head.
He couldn’t do much about the situation, though, so he just shook his head to clear his thoughts, and continued to eat his sweets, waiting for Ushijima to arrive.
Only five minutes later, the silhouette of the boy appeared at the gate of the park, but Tendou noticed it right away. He got up, and started walking in his direction. He could see the colourful bouquet that Ushijima was holding from far away. Tendou grinned, and started running to him.
He bought him the flowers. Gosh, why was he so adorable? Tendou couldn’t take it. He didn’t understand how he deserved this boy as a soulmate. He opened his arms so that he could hug him. When he arrived to him, he practically collapsed to his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around him, burying his face in the crook of his neck. Ushijima, to their luck, was holding the flowers upwards so Tendou wouldn’t ruin them, “Thank you,” he mumbled.
The redhead looked up to see the boy’s face, and couldn’t stop smiling. Ushijima’s olive eyes were sparkling, and there was a smile in the corner of his mouth, “I didn’t think you’d be this glad about the flowers,” Tendou slowly let go of Ushijima. The boy handed him the flowers. They were tulips in every colour possible, with a strong, sweet scent.
Tendou looked at the flowers, then back at Ushijima, and at this moment, Tendou wasn’t satisfied with the agreeing silence, the unsaid feelings between them. It wasn’t enough anymore.
“I know that we’re soulmates, and all, so it’s kind of obvious, but…” he gazed into Ushijima’s eyes, and held his face with his free hand. “Please take care of me!”
Ushijima looked caught off guard, but his eyes were still sparkling, “Satori…,” his voice was tender and quiet, the kind that only Tendou got to hear, “You know just as much as I that I’m not that good with expressing my emotions verbally or physically, but…,” he leaned in, and pressed a soft kiss on Tendou’s lips, making his heartbeat speed up, and his eyes close. It was only a moment, a brief touch, and still, it was perfect for him. “I will. I will have you if you will have me.”
Tendou smiled, and kissed the boy again. This time it was longer and sweeter, it made all of Tendou’s thoughts vanish. It was only him and his Wakatoshi.
After they parted, he looked down at the flowers, then in the boy’s eyes, “Thank you, again,” he beamed, and Ushijima nodded. He was smiling, too, and his cheeks were somewhat flushed.
“I thought you’d like them.”
“I do,” he giggled for absolutely no reason, then grabbed the boy’s hand. “Come on, Wakkun, let’s head home.”
xxx
They kept meeting like that: some weekends at Ushijima’s, some weekends at Tendou’s place. Tendou absolutely loved being with the boy, there was no other way to say it. He felt safe with him, and he knew that he could tell him everything. Ushijima seemed comfortable with him, too. Of course he didn’t show it as much as Tendou did, but it was just fine. Tendou understood the little gestures, too - small touches, tiny smiles, hidden chuckles -, and they meant everything to him.
On a quiet Saturday, they were walking in the park near Ushijima’s house with Eiji. Tendou was quietly humming, swinging their intertwined fingers between them, when he felt raindrops on his forehead. He looked up, only to see grey, almost black clouds covering the sun. He furrowed his eyebrows, and looked at Ushijima.
“I didn’t know that it was going to rain today.”
“It wasn’t that sunny when we left, either. It’s not that surprising,” he stated, looking up, then at Tendou.
“Oh. Well, it’s still a shame, I wanted to walk just a little more,” he pouted, “And it’s getting heavier and heavier!” he glanced around, but it wasn’t needed, really. The stains of the drops were getting more visible on their coats, and the sound of a thunder could be heard. Eiji barked loudly, and they winced in unison.
“Satori, let’s head home,” Ushijima said. His hair was wet already, sticking to his forehead. Tendou nodded.
“Yeah, that’s probably for the best,” they started walking home, but after a while their clothes were dripping from the wetness, and their shoes were totally soaked, “C’mon, let’s run,” Tendou laughed, and looked at the other boy. “We don’t want to catch cold.”
Ushijima picked up his pace, running beside him with Eiji. Tendou cackled, and spun around, only to continue running after. He enjoyed the rain way too much. Ushijima shook his head slowly, but he was smiling, which made Tendou even happier.
They reached the house in no time, and only stopped under the shelter of the roof. They were both panting, but Tendou chuckled. He rested his forehead on Ushijima’s chest, “That was fun,” he whispered, but suddenly stopped smiling. The sound of raindrops were loud, but he could still hear the boy’s heartbeat. He turned his head so his ear was pressed against his chest. He could hear the beating crystal clear. He looked up to see his face. “’toshi, are you okay?”
The boy was too pale, he looked dizzy, and his gaze was unfocused. “Satori, I’m-“
He couldn’t finish the sentence. He fainted, collapsing onto the other boy, leaving him alone in the rain.
Tendou wished he could say that he handled it well. He didn’t.
The door opening, Eiji barking loudly. The sirens and lights of the ambulance. The bumpy road, the beeping of the machine, the smell of the hospital. It was all a blur.
He was now sitting in the hallway of the hospital with Ushijima’s mother on his side. He was practically staring a hole in the wall in front of him, fidgeting with the hem of his sweater unstoppably. His mind couldn’t fully process what happened, because what happened exactly?
He had to wait for the answer exact thirty-three minutes (not that he was counting, no). The doctor stepped right in front of them with a stack of papers in her hands, and looked at Ushijima’s mother first, then at Tendou.
“Ushijima Wakatoshi’s relatives, right?” her voice was calm, almost numb, and Tendou couldn’t understand how she did it. It’s her job, Wakkun is just another client of the million. At least for her. Tendou grimaced at his own thoughts.
“Yes, we are,” this was the first time Tendou has heard Ushijima’s mother’s voice tremble.
“You can go see him, he’s okay now. If you’d like to, I can tell you the news here, or in front of the patient.”
News? Tendou furrowed his eyebrows, but didn’t say anything.
Ushijima’s mother took a deep breath. “He’ll have to know eventually, I think,” did she know something, or was it just a hunch? The redhead couldn’t decide. Why was it so hard to think right now?
“Okay. Follow me, then, please,” and she made her way down the hallway to a door. Tendou and the woman walked behind her, and stepped in the small room.
Tendou couldn’t focus on the dark blue walls, the vase on the bedside table, the white chair next to the bed, or the fluffy rug at the end of it. His eyes immediately found his Wakatoshi. He was resting on the bed, his eyes closed, his chest rising and sinking as he breathed, but as he heard people coming in, his eyes shot wide open.
Tendou practically ran to his bed, and grabbed his hand. “Are you okay, Wakkun?”
“Don’t worry, Satori, I’m feeling well now,” he said, but he didn’t look fine. His face was still pale, his pupils were dilated, and his gaze looked utterly tired.
Ushijima’s mother walked to the other side of the bed, and caressed the boy’s hair. Wakatoshi smiled at her weakly, at least he tried. Tendou looked at the doctor, and tilted his head questioningly, but didn’t want to ask anything. How could he ask something, anything in this situation, really?
“So, is Wakatoshi okay?” the woman did it instead of him. The doctor cleared her throat.
“We did an electrocardiogram test, which showed us Wakatoshi’s heart rhythm, and we’ve found a pattern, but it may or may not be from a disease, I’m going to have to ask a few questions first to find out. Is that okay?” she was talking slowly and clearly, but it still didn’t made sense to Tendou.
“Yes, of course,” Ushijima’s mother responded, and tried to smile, but she looked terrified. Tendou just blinked slowly at her, then at Wakatoshi, then back at the doctor. His brain couldn’t process any of it.
“So, did Wakatoshi faint, or have a way too fast heartbeat without any specific reason recently?”
“He didn’t faint, this was the first time. I don’t know about the heartbeat,” the woman said slowly, thinking before every word.
“He maybe…” Tendou finally found his voice. “He may had fast heartbeat sometimes. I’m not sure.”
“Well, Wakatoshi, did you have palpitations? It means that you felt your heart pounding, racing, or you were just very conscious of your heartbeat unnecessarily,” the doctor looked at the boy this time after writing something down on one of the papers.
“I…” he took a deep breath, but he looked calm. “I think so. I’ve felt that way several times.”
The doctor was facing Ushijima’s mother yet again. “Did you have brugada syndrome in the family?”
Her eyes widened, as if realising something. He first looked at Wakatoshi, then back at the doctor. “It was his great-grandfather, but… That was generations ago, and he’s not even twenty…”
“So you’re familiar with the disease. It seems that your son suffers from brugada syndrome, too.”
Suffers. Tendou didn’t like that word. Tendou didn’t like the sentence. The whole situation just seemed unreal, and the informations still haven’t reached his brain.
“This is a rare heart disease, mostly genetic. The symptoms usually show as the patient has reached 40 years, but it’s possible to have them at any age. It causes irregular heartbeat which can lead to faintings or death, especially during sleep. There’s no cure, but there are ways to help prevent sudden death. We can discuss those later on.”
After she finished explaining, there was a moment of silence in the room. Tendou’s gaze immediately found Wakatoshi. He tried, but he couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that the woman was talking about his disease, his death, even. It seemed as such a distant experience, something unfamiliar, unknown.
“I’m sorry. I’ll leave you alone,” she really did look sorry, but she couldn’t do much about it. Tendou wanted to blame her for some reason, but it would’ve been pointless.
“Thank you,” Ushijima’s mother whispered, but her eyes were blank. The doctor nodded, then walked out of the room without saying anything else.
Tendou was looking at Wakatoshi, and Wakatoshi was looking at him. Tendou was gripping his hand until it was white, but he didn’t say anything. What was he supposed to say? There were no right words for the things inside of him now. Instead, he just climbed beside his soulmate, and hugged him as tight as he could, as if he had the power to keep him there forever. He placed a brief, sweet kiss on his lips before falling asleep.
They slept there, together in the hospital room that night, not saying a single word, just holding each other. The next day, the doctor came in, and they discussed the different treatments. They decided on an ICD, an implantable cardioverter defibrillator – the device helped prevent sudden death -, but they could only make an appointment for the implantation for one and a half month from now.
“You can of course go home for that time, but you have to be incredibly careful with fevers and exercise,” the doctor warned them. Tendou could only nod, because of course they will be cautious. Wasn’t that obvious?
When they arrived home, Eiji ran to the door right away, and happily greeted them. The whole world seemed to change for Tendou, only he didn’t. He was still jumpy, barking loudly as he was looking for their attention, and it made Tendou’s heart ache. It felt different.
Honestly, when they were finally inside, Tendou didn’t know what to do. He felt like neither of them did. They didn’t get to process this yet. The disease felt distant, but Wakatoshi so close. It didn’t add up.
“I’m going to clean the clothes,” Ushijima’s mother said into the silence. Tendou and Wakatoshi just nodded, and continued to stand in the kitchen.
“Do you want to cuddle?” Tendou looked at the other boy with big eyes. The words felt heavy, even though they were casual. Wakatoshi nodded, and they slowly walked upstairs.
Somehow it felt a lot easier when he was lying beside him, hugging him. There wasn’t the need of doing something, there was only them and nothing more.
It was quite dark thanks to the stormy weather outside and the curtains were preventing most of the light from coming in, but Tendou could still see the boy’s features in the dim light. He was listening to his heartbeat and his breathing, and just admired him. Tendou couldn’t form his feelings into words, but what about him?
“Wakkun?” the boy flinched at the sudden noise.
“Yes, Satori?” his voice was the same as always, and that made Tendou feel better.
“How are you? I mean, how are you feeling?” he was concerned about his physical health, yes, but he was never a man of speaking his emotions, and those are what Tendou wanted to know.
“It’s… It’s something that I’ll have to live with. Or maybe not,” he said it so easily. Was it really that easy? “But I don’t think that it’s healthy to ponder about that. You shouldn’t either.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t want to make this about me,” he felt bad for no reason. He wanted to separate his unnecessary thoughts from Wakatoshi’s thoughts and feelings. “If you have anything to say, I know that it’s hard for you, but please do. I’m here. I was all along, and I will be.”
“Thank you, Satori,” Wakatoshi whispered, smiling. Tendou nodded, and put his head back on his chest. “Just so you know, I am here, too. Remember?”
“Of course. Thank you,” Tendou closed his eyes and sighed. He was there.
The next day, Tendou really didn’t want to get out of bed. He yawned, and looked at the boy who was just starting to wake up.
“’toshi,” he whispered. Wakatoshi just hummed in response. “Good morning.”
“Good morning to you, too.”
“Are you okay?”
“Why wouldn’t I be, Satori?” he looked in his eyes questioningly.
“I don’t know,” I’m just afraid. “I just thought-“
“It doesn’t hurt constantly,” he cut him off, already knowing what he wanted to say. “I’m not in pain, please don’t worry. And you don’t have to be different with me than you were before, I hope you know that. Soon I’ll have the ICD, and everything’s going to be fine.”
“Yes, okay, you’re right,” I’ll try to think like that, “I’m just… If I can help anytime with anything, please just ask,” Tendou sighed, playing with the other boy’s fingers while talking.
“Thank you.”
“What should we do today?” he wanted to get his mind off the whole situation, but they had literally nothing to do.
“I don’t know. What do you want to do?”
“I have no idea. Maybe we could watch a film?”
That’s basically how they spent the next few days. Cuddling, talking, watching films, or helping around the house. Neither of them wanted to do anything else. Tendou felt exhausted for no reason, and he didn’t understand why. Those first days were weird, something new, and he didn’t really like it, but soon they got used to it. Sometimes they talked about it, but sometimes they just did what they always did, as if nothing has happened – which was hard at first, but after a while they went back to normal.
It wasn’t always easy of course. Every so often, Tendou couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t stop thinking about Wakatoshi falling asleep and not waking up the next morning. On the first night like that, he just watched the boy resting. His chest started to feel tight, and his heartbeat sped up from the images rushing through his head. He let go of the boy, and started fidgeting with the edge of his t-shirt, taking deep breaths to try calm himself down. Wakatoshi stirred, and slowly opened his eyes.
“Satori? Is everything okay?” he whispered with a raspy voice. Tendou felt bad; he shouldn’t panic like this, it’s Wakatoshi who’s sick. He should be there for him, and now he’s only worrying him more. He’s a terrible, terrible boyfriend.
“I’m sorry I woke you up, Wakkun. Everything’s fine,” he tried to control his breathing as he spoke, but Wakatoshi just furrowed his eyebrows, concerned.
“What’s the matter? Talk to me, Satori, maybe I can help.”
“I… I just can’t sleep, because…” he took a deep breath and looked up at the boy. His olive eyes were sparkling questioningly, and his lips were slightly pursed. “I’m afraid that when I’m going to wake up… You won’t.”
Wakatoshi’s expression turned into something entirely new, and he sighed, “Please, Satori, don’t think about things like that. I’m still here. Does it calm you if I’ll let you know every night and every morning?” Tendou gulped and nodded. He hugged the boy, wanting to disappear in his arms. Wakatoshi tapped his wrist three times, “See? I’m right here,” he whispered into his ears. Tendou smiled faintly, and tapped the other’s wrist as well.
“We’re here.”
“Yes, we are,” Wakatoshi caressed his arm, and hummed.
This wasn’t the last time that Tendou was greeted by those fears. Sometimes his breathing would become heavy, and he would start fidgeting unstoppably. Wakatoshi would wake up, and whenever he found him in that state, he always, always let him know that he was there, and Tendou always returned the gesture.
He was indescribably grateful for the boy.
xxx
“Can we bake cake? I’m suddenly craving something sweet,” Tendou blurted out. They were laying beside each other. It was a rainy day again, so they couldn’t go out.
Wakatoshi looked at him, and smiled lightly, “Of course, I’ll just ask mother,” he got up, leaving Tendou alone in the bed.
“Okay,” he extended his hands so Ushijima could help him up. The boy grabbed them, and pulled him up. Tendou whined, and shook his head to get rid of the sudden dizziness that hit him.
They went downstairs, and after they got Wakatoshi’s mother’s consent, they searched for the ingredients, and put them on the counter.
“We’re doing chocolate cake, right?” Tendou asked, smiling, glancing at Wakatoshi sideways.
“If you want to.”
“Yay!” he kissed his cheek, slightly rearing up, then got back to preparing the cake.
The process was slow and they were a little clumsy, but they definitely had fun. They were at making the chocolate coating, when somehow Ushijima got a big stain of chocolate on his nose. Tendou immediately burst out laughing as he saw it.
“What?” the question was so genuine it just made Tendou laugh even more.
“You’ve got a-“ he tried to stop cackling, clutching his stomach. It took a couple of minutes until he calmed down, and poor Wakatoshi was left there clueless, with chocolate on his nose and a laughing Tendou.
“Gosh, you’re so adorable, ‘toshi,” the redhead sighed, whipped the dollop off the boy, and licked it off his finger. He grinned.
“Oh, so that’s why you were laughing,” Ushijima stated, understanding the whole situation. Tendou giggled.
“Yes, it was,” he hugged the boy, and kissed him slowly. Wakatoshi kissed him back, pulling him just a bit closer. After they parted, Tendou smiled at the boy. “Come on, we have a cake to bake!”
At moments like these, they were just a couple, two soulmates, not a sick person and his lover. Tendou loved everything about these times. The calm, the normality, the things they did together. The company.
There were low points of course, too; one of them was on the third week from coming home from the hospital. Tendou somehow ended up in his mind’s darkest places, and the images started to flood his mind yet again, clear as ever.
Wakatoshi noticed almost immediately. How did he do it? Tendou couldn’t tell.
The boy stirred so he was facing the redhead. He looked in his eyes, and tapped his wrist three times. Tendou’s eyes finally found his gaze, and he returned the gesture. “Deep breaths, Satori. Do you want to tell me about them?”
“I don’t know,” he closed his eyes for a moment, hoping he would calm down. Wakatoshi intertwined their fingers, and started caressing Tendou’s hand with his thumb. “I’m sorry.”
“Why would you apologise? It’s normal. This is a difficult situation.”
“Yeah, but not for me. You’re the one who should be panicked, and I’m the one who should be there for you,” he grimaced as he said the words.
“You are here for me, Satori. We’re here for each other. It’s okay to be scared sometimes. You have the right to be scared, too,” his eyes were sparkling as he spoke.
“Aren’t you scared, Wakkun?”
“Sometimes, of course. But we’ll be all right. One way or another, we’ll end up with each other. Just wait and see. Patience, Satori.”
“Patience. Gosh, you’ve said that to me so many times,” he smiled. It felt bitter-sweet. “We’ll only have to wait couple of weeks now, right? For that device.”
“Yes. See? A couple of weeks and I’ll be just fine. Please don’t get lost in those dark thoughts. Promise me?”
“I promise,” Tendou nodded. Wakatoshi leaned in, and pressed a kiss on his lips. It was a long kiss, filled with emotions, and it made Tendou feel safe and home.
After they parted, they tilted their foreheads against each other’s. Tendou smiled, and gazed into Wakatoshi’s eyes. The right words were on the tip of his tounge. Why didn’t he say them, you may ask.
He didn’t know either.
xxx
Even though it was spring, they still needed coats. Tendou even brought a scarf, and made Wakatoshi wear a hat. They were walking in the park with Eiji on their usual route, hand in hand.
“Maybe it’s just because it’s nearly dusk, but it could be a lot warmer now,” Tendou pouted.
“Eventually it will get warmer, don’t worry, Satori. You’ll see,” he smiled faintly.
“Yeah, but it could be faster, you know?”
“Don’t rush things. You have to live the cold in order to love the warm. But it will be much more valuable when it’ll come.”
“Wow, Wakkun,” Tendou lifted up one of his eyebrows and chuckled. “You’re really… spiritual today.”
“I don’t know, I just feel calm,” his face seemed happy in a way. It made Tendou happier, too.
“That’s good, right?” the boy just nodded. “Okay, I’m glad, then.”
Out of the blue, Eiji started to pull Tendou in a specific way. “Eiji, don’t go after everything you see,” Tendou scolded him, laughing, and squatted down so he could pet the dog. Wakatoshi just watched them with a smile on his face.
After they could continue walking, Tendou held Ushijima’s hand in his again, and started thinking out loud. “I wonder what that device will be like. I mean, we looked it up, but still.”
“I think it won’t affect anything too big. I mean, it’s inside of me, if that’s what you were thinking.”
“I don’t know, really. I was just pondering, nothing serious,” he looked down at the pavement, then up. His eyes suddenly lit up, and his lips parted. “Wakkun, let’s watch the sunset!”
“If you want to,” he nodded. To their luck, no one else was in the park, so they could let Eiji off his leash while they were sitting. Tendou sat close to Ushijima, wanting to feel the warmth of his body close, and Ushijima intertwined their fingers on his lap. Tendou smiled at him, and sighed.
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For watching the sunset with me,” he looked him in the eye, and beamed widely. Ushijima smiled back, his olive eyes sparkling.
“Of course, you don’t have to thank me. It’s beautiful.”
“It really is,” Tendou took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a second, enjoying the moment. He tilted his head on Wakatoshi’s shoulder. As if in response, the boy gave him a kiss on the forehead, making him smile wide as ever.
After they arrived home, they went showering immediately, and they got in bed right after. They cuddled up, holding each other close. Tendou was still dazzled by the afternoon. Everything seemed to be right and just utterly beautiful. He looked up at the other boy, smiling.
“Hey, Wakkun.”
“Yes?”
“I really enjoyed this afternoon.”
“I did, too.”
Then, Wakatoshi spoke up without any warning.
“I love you, Satori.”
The three words filled the dark room, leaving Tendou speechless. He said it so casually, but Tendou knew, he felt that it meant much more for him.
“My time is limited here, so I needed you to know. Sometimes it takes inescapable things to see the real beauty.”
“Don’t say that!” Tendou closed his eyes tightly, hoping that it would make it all go away. Why did that need to come up now? “Don’t talk like that! You’ll get that device, and you’ll live a full, healthy life.”
“You’ll be there with me?”
“Yeah, of course I will,” he tapped the boy’s wrist three times, reminding him of their gesture, “I have it all planned out, in fact,” he turned upright and pressed a little kiss on Wakatoshi’s mouth. Then, he placed his chin on his chest so he could look in his eyes. Maybe he was just at one of the low points. We’re here for each other. Now it was Tendou’s turn to comfort him.
“Really?” Wakatoshi smiled. It was fresh and hopeful. Maybe it was just to calm the redhead down, maybe it was coming from his heart – it didn’t matter. It meant the world to Tendou.
“Yes! So, we are going to have a big house somewhere in the prefecture with a big garden. We are going to have three kids, two girls and a boy. We’re going to name the older girl Chitose, the boy Kenji, and the younger girl Nami. We are going to have a dog, but we’ll have time to decide it’s breed and everything.”
And Tendou went on and on until Wakatoshi fell asleep, smiling. Tendou grinned, and nuzzled close to the boy’s chest. He held him tight, and he fell asleep, too.
Maybe Wakatoshi was dreaming about the future with Tendou. Maybe he fell asleep knowing that he will in fact have a full life with a loving boy beside him. Maybe.
Tendou couldn’t remember his dream, though. When he woke up, there was quiet in the room. He looked up to see if Wakatoshi was awake already, but he freezed in motion.
Wakatoshi’s eyes were closed, his expression was peaceful as ever, his face was pale, and he was still. Too still.
“Wakkun?” Tendou whispered. No answer, “Hey, Wakkun,” he tapped his wrist three times. He’ll have to answer to that.
But he didn’t. The significance of the gesture vanished immediately, taking everything away with it. All the comforting feelings, all the moments in each other’s arms, all the sentences whispered that made those three taps important. It took nothing for it all to disappear, and leave only blankness and dark in it’s place.
Satori was now shaking him, hoping that he will do something, anything, but there was still no response. “Wakkun!” he didn’t even notice the sore feeling in his throat, or the tears prickling his eyes. He continued to shake the body, saying his name.
He waited for an answer. Patience, Satori. He waited.
xxx
“He died in his sleep, it didn’t hurt. It was peaceful,” they said.
“At least he got to be with you,” they said.
“You could talk to him before it, not everybody gets that,” they said.
It didn’t help. All these things, all those people. They didn’t help, they couldn’t. Nothing could. There was no way to describe the things inside Tendou, but nobody asked him to anymore.
Tendou couldn’t explain the feeling of waking up without him.
He missed him constantly. He saw him everywhere. In the park, in the street, in the rain, in the dusk. In Eiji. Wakatoshi’s mother didn’t say a thing about Tendou still staying there, so he stayed. He wore all of Wakatoshi’s sweaters until he couldn’t smell the scent of the boy on them anymore. He just laid in the bed, in their bed, alone, with Eiji resting on his leg, and he stared at the ceiling. Or fidgeted with Wakatoshi’s sweater.
There were two possibilities; he cried his heart out or he couldn’t shed a tear. The funeral was the only occasion when he could hit a third stage. At that day, he didn’t plan to cry, but as soon as it started he was on the edge. He wanted to scream, then hide away from everybody. His throat was sore as he listened to all the people saying “sorry for your loss”. He didn’t know most of them, and that made him hurt even more. Why were they there? Did they even know his Wakkun? He couldn’t figure it out, but it didn’t really matter. He felt like crying the whole time, but his eyes were dry.
When they arrived home, he burst out crying.
He saw the letter on the first day of being alone. He saw it immediately. It sat on the desk, with ‘Satori’ written on it, quietly calling him, but he couldn’t open it. He remembered the time when Wakatoshi wrote it.
He was sitting at the desk, writing incredibly fast. Tendou peeked over his shoulder.
“What are you writing?”
“This is for you, in case I… In case I’ll have to leave before I get the device,” he looked up at the redhead with a serious expression. It made Tendou terrified.
“Wakkun! Don’t think like that! You’ll get to live until the appointment, I’m sure! Like you said, don’t let these thoughts conquer.”
“I don’t. Just… It just makes me calm, knowing that I can surely say goodbye. Look at it that way. It’s only for me.”
“Well, okay, then,” he hugged him from behind, and placed a kiss on his head.
He didn’t understand, or at least didn’t want to understand it at the time. Now, he wanted to both read it and tear it to pieces. It was a quiet, rainy afternoon. He just arrived from a walk with Eiji, and as he walked in the bedroom, he just picked it up like it was the easiest thing in the world, and sat on the bed. He didn’t open it though. He placed it in front of himself, and stared at it. He read his name on the cover over and over again, but didn’t touch it once.
At some point, Eiji came into the room, and jumped on the bed. He laid down next to Tendou, and sniffed the paper, then, losing interest, he placed his head on the boy’s lap.
“It’s not that interesting, huh?” he asked from the dog, gently scratching behind his ear, “Well, the inside’s more important,” he sighed, and tilted his head. “I guess I’ll have to open it eventually, right?”
He looked at Eiji waiting for an answer, but didn’t get one, “You wouldn’t know anyway,” he frowned. Now I’m talking to an animal, I probably went crazy, he thought and rolled his eyes.
He shook his head, and focused back on the piece of paper in front of him. The room was silent, only the sound of the raindrops making a faint, constant sound. Tendou took a deep breath, and reached for the letter with trembling hands.
The paper was a little worn out, but the ink didn’t fade away. He traced his fingers along the edges, hoping to bring the memory of his lover closer, feel his presence just a little bit more. He closed his eyes for a moment, and exhaled shakily. He can do this.
He slowly opened the envelope, pulling out the actual letter. His hands were now shaking terribly, and his heartbeat sped up. He folded it out, straightening the paper, trying to get rid of even the littlest crinkles.
This was hard, but he wanted to do it. He wanted to embrace Wakatoshi one more time. He felt tears prickling his eyes right away, but he didn’t care. His eyes found the first line.
Satori,
If you’re reading this, I probably had to leave you. I’m sorry if you’re feeling alone right now, but believe me, it’s going to get better. Please, don’t hold on to me for too long. Like I said before, I’ll have you, even after I’m gone. But don’t let that stop you from being happy without me. Because I can, and I will wait for you.
I will wait for you. Up there. Just like you sang. I will wait, I will wait for you. So, please, live your life. Take care of Eiji, laugh, meet new people, love. Take your time, because I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be waiting for you. And whenever you’re feeling sad, alone, or hopeless, please think of me, and find solace in my memory. Whatever you experience, you’ll get to tell me. So, bring happy memories. In the end, we’ll be together. We’ll just have to wait.
Patience, Satori.
With all my devotion,
Wakatoshi
Patience. Tendou’s never been good with patience.
The End
23. 09. 2021.