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Jungwoo didn’t expect to find anybody out on the balcony in this freezing weather. He shoved the sliding glass door open further, inviting a gust of wind inside that had him shivering beneath his nightshirt before he stepped out anyway, shutting the door soundlessly behind himself. “I didn’t know you smoked.”
“Ah—“ Doyoung whirled around, a hand flying up to his chest, “you scared me,” he chuckled, the cigarette dangling between his fingertips. He probably feared it was one of their other members walking around on vlive, but he visibly relaxed after realizing it was just Jungwoo, his eyes squinting to adjust to the newfound darkness.
Doyoung wore an oversized sweater zipped all the way up with the hood pulled over his head and some winter sweatpants that didn’t quite seem to match it. “Now you know my secret,” he admitted through a tightlipped smile, flicking the ash off the end of his cigarette.
Jungwoo watched as it fluttered over the edge of the balcony and slowly descended into darkness, his slippers scraping against the concrete as he took a few steps closer.
“Before I moved here, one of my friends wanted to smoke with me and I didn’t know how to say no back then.” he took another drag with a painfully nostalgic look in his eyes, the cigarette's red hue momentarily illuminating his tired features. His skin was still glowing after his nightly routine and his cheeks looked so soft that Jungwoo almost wanted to reach out and touch him. “He gave me the rest of his pack before I left.”
Jungwoo nodded, “You’re still bad at saying no to people,” he teased, “Can I watch you?”
Doyoung tilted his head fondly, because he’d never denied Jungwoo of anything and he wasn’t about to start now.
“I think you look cool, hyung.”
Doyoung rolled his eyes.
Jungwoo relaxed his body against the balcony’s metal railing and for a while he just watched the smoke billow away in the wind. He couldn’t get enough of the way Doyoung’s lips puckered with every gentle inhale. He almost wanted to taste the nicotine on his tongue.
He must’ve noticed him staring too because he suddenly held out the cigarette for him to try, but Jungwoo politely declined with a shake of his head. He hadn’t come out here with the intention of smoking for the first time. They hardly had any time to themselves and he just wanted to spend the little time he had left with Doyoung tonight, even if it meant keeping him company on a particularly cold night.
Neither spoke while he smoked, but Jungwoo took his hand before he could reach for another cigarette and he wordlessly pulled him back inside.
“My lungs would… probably thank you,” Doyoung whispered into the darkness of their living room.
Jungwoo smiled, “You can just thank me instead, hyung,” He squeezed his hand providently in reassurance.
They laid together in Doyoung’s bed that night and Jungwoo teased him about the smell that still lingered on his fingertips, holding Doyoungs hand up to his face and tracing over the way he wrinkled his nose.
But that night he dreamt of finding a pack someone left out on the coffee table and running into a dark alleyway to smoke one… only to realize he still needed to light it.
-
When Jungwoo first joined the group, Doyoung made a habit of sitting next to him.
Occasionally he’d squeeze his hand beneath the table or rest one of his warm palms over his thigh and all of the positive attention was enough for the younger to inevitably grow attached to him.
Now Jungwoo was the one to always sit next him during dinners and meetings and in company vehicles.
They easily understood each other, but after some time, he grew greedy. He wanted more of whatever Doyoung was willing to give him without quite knowing how to take it for himself.
Jungwoo waited till most of their members had gone to bed with an ulterior motive, slipping out of his bedroom when he heard the balcony door slide shut and quickly following Doyoung outside.
“What are you doing here?” he laughed when Jungwoo unexpectedly joined him. He’d selfishly missed their alone time. Doyoung left the balcony lights on this time but as long as nobody followed them out here, they wouldn’t know what the two were up to. The view from their balcony was of a solid brick wall, ugly and unchanging, but it served as a shield from the prying eyes of paparazzi.
“I want to smoke with you this time.” He held out his palm.
Doyoung eyed him warily, “Why? Don’t you hate the smell?” He raised a curious brow. Even without makeup, he looked breathtaking.
“No, I don’t.” Jungwoo huffed. He’d been exaggerating before, but the odor didn’t quite bother him anymore. Not really. The smell of smoke was unpleasant at first, but it began to remind him of Doyoung and his lingering touch.
“Okay.” He pulled out a fresh pack, this one straight from the convenience store. “But let’s share one first… just in case,” Jungwoo didn’t question him as he ripped open the plastic packaging and shoved it into his pocket for later, “Is that okay?” He looked up at him, his eyes wide in question as he handed one over.
Jungwoo frowned, running his fingers over the blue filter, “I kind of… wanted one of my own,” He admitted, trying not to pout. He felt that he could handle it. He’d had another dream recently where he couldn’t stop digging through their kitchen cabinets in search of a spare pack of cigarettes and it seemed like every night it was something different. He liked to imagine that his unconscious mind was trying to tell him something.
“It’s not that I don’t want you to have one…” Doyoung reluctantly slipped out another one, “but it’s a bad habit,” he averted his gaze, “and I feel a little bit like I’m corrupting you.”
“Corrupting me?” Jungwoo sputtered, throwing his head back and laughing while Doyoung dug around for his lighter, “Sounds exciting,” He couldn’t help but mutter, his cheeks heating up unexpectedly. In his defense, this was usually his role in the group. He was flirtatious, and blurting out suggestive remarks had practically been hardwired into him at this point.
What he didn’t expect was for Doyoung to glance up and catch his eye while sticking the cigarette between his lips. It was only when they were alone together that he got to see this side of him. His hyung was visibly more relaxed, and cool even, whenever they got dangerously close to crossing a line.
He brought the cigarette up to follow his lead, wrapping his lips sensually around the filter.
“No—wait,“ Doyoung chuckled, pulling at his heartstrings when he leaned in closer and tugged gently at his wrist, “You don’t want to wrap your lips around it like that or the filter will get soggy.” He slurred around his cigarette, pulling Jungwoo’s hand away and reaching up to gently wipe at Jungwoos lips with the sleeve of his sweater.
His breath caught.
“Watch me,” His eyes left Jungwoo’s to spark the lighter to life and he carefully run the flame over the end of his cigarette to even out the burn. His brows furrowed in concentration and his cheeks hollowed out as he inhaled, “Inhale… until it’s red.” He instructed through gritted teeth before exhaling a lungful of smoke, tilting his head back and unintentionally drawing Jungwoo’s attention to his neck.
Then, without missing a beat, he reached over to help Jungwoo.
He leaned in so close that Jungwoo’s heart began to flutter again.
He did as he was told, his hand shaking, inhaling in a little too much when Doyoung lit his cigarette and somehow managing not to choke.
“Wow! That was good!” Doyoung laughed, taking a step away from him and slipping his lucky lighter back into his pocket. “Unfortunately you're a natural.”
Jungwoo smiled before taking another drag. It was weird . He felt weird.
“How do you feel?”
Jungwoo shrugged, not quite knowing how to put the feeling into words, “Like the world is moving… like this,” he rolled his head back. “Or maybe… like this.” He put both his hands up and moved them in opposite directions, “But it’s… different from alcohol.”
“Yeah.” He smiled. Jungwoo stared at him as he went for another drag. Doyoung’s smile was dangerous . It always left him desperately wanting to be kissed.
-
“Don't tell me...” Doyoung rubbed at his forehead, his brows furrowing together in concern, “Kim Jungwoo!” He raised his voice, closing his eyes as he pretended to scold him.
Jungwoo laughed, proudly holding out his latest purchase. He’d bought a pack of his own with the same blue lettering as Doyoung’s.
“You're not allowed to get addicted. You hear me?” He pointed an accusatory finger at him.
Jungwoo raised a brow, “Is that a challenge?”
“No!”
They both laughed. He was obviously joking. He hadn’t even been able to finish a single one by himself the last time, but he loved messing with his members, and Doyoung was no exception.
“Did you get a lighter?”
Jungwoo shook his head and the elder laughed.
“You didn’t get a lighter? Silly.” He chuckled, ruffling his hair before pulling his own lighter out of his pocket. “You can keep mine.” He held out his lucky yellow lighter and Jungwoo took his hand instead, the plastic going warm between their palms.
“I like you.” He admitted before he could fight his bubbling feelings away. His heart was suddenly working overtime, beating rapidly in his chest, and a swarm of butterflies began fluttering around in his tummy. His confession suddenly felt like too much, and he found himself unintentionally holding his breath, waiting for a reaction that didn’t come, “What are you gonna do about it?” He asked, his head spinning when Doyoung’s silence began to make him uncomfortable. He nearly averted his gaze, when Doyoung suddenly leaned over and kissed him.
He froze, his eyes widening and his body going rigid.
Doyoung took a step closer when his eyes fluttered shut instead of pulling away and they kissed unlike the brush of lips he’d seen in dramas. Doyoung cupped the base of his neck and pulled at his lips tenderly for a reaction, shamelessly stealing away his first kiss.
He smiled against his gentle lips, the cigarette falling from his fingertips as Doyoung’s tongue slipped inside his mouth, and for a second he felt a lot more like he was the one falling.
-
No one seemed to notice how restless Doyoung had been acting. He messed around a lot more with his hands, particularly during dinner that night, running his palms over his thighs or fidgeting with the hair at the base of his neck.
“Are you okay?” Jungwoo whispered. He fleetingly thought of the box he’d stashed away somewhere in his underwear drawer.
Doyoung nodded, pulling his legs tighter up against his chest. A few of their members had invited them to watch a movie but Jungwoo wasn’t any paying attention. Not when his Hyung was so visibly anxious.
He glanced over at Johnny and Jaehyun, who both lived vicariously through romantic comedies, and Hyuck, who’d already fallen asleep in Taeil’s arms. “Do you want to go smoke a cigarette?” He leaned in impossibly close to whisper, purposely brushing his nose against Doyoung’s cheek.
The elder swallowed before turning to face him with a curt nod. He smelled so good up close, like fresh flowers and coconut after a shower.
Jungwoo took his hand, lacing their fingers together and pulling him off the couch without so much as an explanation to their other members.
They stumbled into Jungwoos bedroom, Doyoung’s footsteps a little lighter to keep from waking the youngest member.
“What?” He whispered, even though Jungwoos room was empty. “Did you not like the movie?”
“No.” Jungwoo huffed, going straight for his underwear drawer.
Doyoung‘s footsteps approached him from behind as he dug around inside, “Why not?”
Jungwoo grabbed the pack and he shut the drawer with a little more force than necessary. “Do you want to be whisked away in a complicated romance, hyung?” He turned suddenly to face him, surprising them both with their proximity. Doyoung had leaned into him, his hand flat against the top drawer to cage him against it.
“No?” His mouth had momentarily fallen open in thought. Jungwoo loved watching him flounder for an answer he didn’t have.
“It’s all just a means to an end, right? Everyone knows they end up together.” He made no move to pull away, their eyes meeting when their vision began to adjust to the darkness.
Doyoung still looked at a loss for words.
“I wasn’t watching the movie Hyung,” I was watching you, he wanted to whisper, “let’s make our own memories tonight instead.” He smiled and then kissed him, his heart fluttering as their lips met sweetly in the middle.
Donghyuck was thankfully still asleep when they snuck past.
Jungwoo slipped outside first, welcoming the autumn chill for a moment before Doyoung shut the door and wrapped his arms around him from behind. He covered one of Doyoung’s cold hands with his own.
“Thank you.” Doyoung whispered, and then pressed a slow kiss to the base of his neck.
“This is way better than the movie, right?”
“Mm.” Doyoung nodded in agreement and then slowly pulled away.
Jungwoo still loved to watch Doyoung smoke still, even after all this time. He rubbed his palms together for warmth.
“Are you sure you don’t mind?”
“Hyung, it was my idea, remember?” He chuckled, pulling out a cigarette for each of them and digging around in his pocket for Doyoung’s lucky yellow lighter. He always kept it with him, “It’s kind of exciting, right?”
“Until the excitement wears off, and then it’s just addiction.”
Jungwoo smiled because Doyoung didn’t understand yet that he was Jungwoo’s addiction. He couldn’t get enough of him. And if he allowed it, he’d never let him go.
-
They sat outside together, their knees brushing as they watched the first snowfall.
“I’m trying to quit.” Doyoung admitted, swallowing tensely. That must have been why he’d been toying with Jungwoo’s fingers for the better part of an hour. He went from holding his hand to gently massaging his palm and then he’d suddenly stopped, interlocking their fingers and resting his head helplessly onto his shoulder.
“Why?” It didn’t matter to him whether he smoked or not, but he’d gotten used to his habit.
“It’s bad for my voice and my health.” He lifted his head slowly to face him. “I’d never tell you what to do but…” he reached into his pocket and handed over his pack with the last of his remaining cigarettes inside, “I can’t do it on my own. Please take them away from me.”
Jungwoo nodded, slipping them into his pocket and squeezing his hand lightly in reassurance. “If you want…” he muttered, “I can give you something else to do with your mouth.”
“Jungwoo!” Doyoung burst into a fit of laughter, squeezing his hand tightly and burying his face in Jungwoo’s shoulder to muffle his chuckle. “I’d actually… really like that.” He admitted, pulled away, his cheeks rosy as he reached up and gently cupped his cheek with his free hand, ghosting his thumb over Jungwoos bottom lip.
They practically jumped apart when the sliding glass door was suddenly shoved open, Doyoung awkwardly clearing his throat.
“Oh, It’s freezing out here!” Taeyong visibly shivered, peeking his head outside, “Seriously, You two should come inside, unless you want to catch a cold. We’re putting a movie on, if you wanna join us.”
Jungwoo acted fast, answering for the both of them through a fake yawn, “Thank you hyung, but we were both heading to bed soon anyway.”
“Okay. Suit yourselves.”
Doyoung forced himself up after their leader left, holding a hand out for Jungwoo to take and helping him up onto his feet. “Your bed or mine?”
-
“I need to smoke.” Doyoung was pacing, running his fingers through his hair in frustration. They kissed until their lips were sore, but Doyoung was extremely anxious after a phone call with his mother and nothing quite quelled his anxieties like the familiar buzz of nicotine.
“No, you don’t,” Jungwoo answered back meekly.
“Jungwoo,” He paused, turning to face him with a desperate look in his eyes, “I really do.”
He tried again but his voice wavered this time when he repeated himself, “No… you really don’t, hyung.” He hadn’t looked at him like that since the night of the movie when he couldn’t seem to stop fidgeting with his hands.
“Please.” He held up a finger, “just one?”
Jungwoo gave in with a nod, his footsteps dragging as he approached the underwear drawer. “Okay. Ready?” He wordlessly slipped the pack into his pocket.
Doyoung seemed to have lost the look of determination in his eyes when Jungwoo turned to face him, his gaze hardening into something a lot closer to anger.
-
They ended up smoking one together out on the balcony, the winter air nipping at their cheeks and stealing away the feeling from their fingertips. “I think it’s time to go to bed.” He took Doyoung’s hand, warming up his fingertips to keep him from reaching for another one and they were silent on the way back inside. The mood had suddenly shifted.
“It’s okay.” He whispered when they were both beneath the bedsheets. He could feel the tension radiating off Doyoung in waves, as if a dark cloud had suddenly settled over him.
“It’s not okay.” He sighed, burying his face further into the pillowcase.
Jungwoo tried to coax him out of his bad mood by running his fingers through his hair, but nothing seemed to be working, “I know it’s hard, but we’ll just have to… try something different next time.”
“Like what?” Doyoung sighed, helplessly turning to face him.
“Well…” He pushed a few strands of hair behind Doyoungs ear and leaned in closer to kiss him, the bed sheets rustling as their lips met. He wasn’t giving up on him now, and he wanted Doyoung to know that slipping up a few times didn’t mean he should give up on himself either.
He’d been unwilling to go any further than kissing before because he’d wanted their first time to feel special, but lately, any time they spent alone together began to feel that way. His lips tasted faintly of nicotine and toothpaste and Jungwoo was still practically buzzing from it. “Something like this.” He pushed Doyoung gently onto his back and slipped one of his legs over his waist to straddle him. He was already half-hard at the thought of things going further between them.
He had quite a few ideas.