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He couldn’t believe it. Angel, it always came down to sodding Angel.
" Why won’t you talk about this Giles? I can see it eating you up inside."
Slowly Giles shook his head, looking longingly at the bottle of Scotch his Slayer had so promptly confiscated.
" It’s in the past Buffy. I can’t forget what happened and I’d be lying if I said I trusted him but we were once allies…friends. I can put it behind me.
" Can you?"
Buffy sank down into the chair opposite his couch, making sure the bottle was safely out of his reach.
" Talk to me Giles. Why won’t you tell me what he did?"
The man stretched out on his couch with a sigh.
" Part of me would love to sit here and tell you in graphic detail what he did. Sort of thing Ripper used to get off on. But there’s an even greater part of me that knows I won’t Buffy."
He turned his head to look at her and she waited, only a little impatiently, for him to continue. With another sigh he stared up at the ceiling, wondering just how many of the things he was saying he would actually regret in the morning.
" S’part of me that wants to protect you as much as I can. You know there are things that really go bump in the night, you’ve seen them, you’ve fought them…you’ve seen too much."
The Watcher paused as he tried to get his thoughts to make sense in his alcohol addled brain but the feelings he wanted just would not behave.
" You love him, and Angelus-" He corrected himself. " -Angel, loves you. There are no guarantees you’ll retire due to old age Buffy, so I want you to live, experience the important things. That love you have may be the only semblance of normality you ever maintain. S’my way of protecting you despite what I may feel, I won’t do anything that might affect that love - it’s too precious a gift…I have no right to interfere in that.
" Giles I don’t want protecting. I know what he’s capable of, I have a fair idea of what he did to you. You’re struggling, I can see it in your eyes every time you look at me. I mean look at you…I want to help you.
He almost snorted at that. You can’t."
" Try me."
He did snort that time. " Go home Buffy."
" No. I want to sort this out once and for all.
Giles rolled off the couch and made a grab for his bottle on the opposite side of the coffee table, taking a long swig of the searing Scotch.
" And that’s really gonna help."
" I told you, go home."
Buffy felt anger welling up inside. He could be so damn stubborn when he wanted to be and he was treating her like a child, like she didn’t know what she was talking about. Like he had to protect her. He watched her intently as she got out of the chair and paced in front of it.
" I know what Angelus is capable of, okay? I’ve read the books and the accounts and Angel told me some of it himself.
The Watcher shakily stood. No.
" Giles damnit. I don’t need protecting! That was almost a shout. He stopped and looked at her, the anger and frustration she felt etched clearly on her pretty face, and felt his own anger continue to grow as he turned his back to her.
" What did he do to you? You said it yourself, I’ve seen too much. Or is this just some personal thing, to make yourself feel all noble, protecting poor innocent Buffy?
Buffy realised she’d made a mistake even before he turned and hurled the bottle at the floor, anger shining in his eyes, emotions flitting across his face that she couldn’t comprehend and wasn’t sure she wanted to. For a moment he simply stood where he was, every muscle in his body tense as he fought to control the need to break something, then turning away from her brown gaze, Giles banged his hands down on his desk, Scotch fumes drifting to him from the remains of the bottle on the floor. Slowly his shoulders began to sag, anger dissipating to leave a somewhat lost and broken man. Buffy wanted to reach out to him for once, but found she couldn’t; couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe. All she could do was wait, although he didn’t keep her waiting long.
" I was raped." He stated quietly without moving, voice detached.
Buffy shook her head, frowning at his back, knowing that she’d heard wrongly. She must have done.
" You…I’m…sorry?"
Giles’s head bowed a little more, refusing to turn and meet the gaze he could feel boring in to his back. Unable to.
" He r-raped me." His voice bore the start of a vulnerability that was threatening to consume him where he stood. He had to go, had get out before he lost his last reserves…
Buffy’s mouth opened but no sound emerged as her brain swelled to accommodate what she hadn’t wanted to hear, and for the first time in the history of their relationship The Slayer started across the room, acting on her long felt urges to hold him when he was hurt.
" Oh God. I didn’t…I never imagined…realised…I’m so sorry. Buffy choked in a quiet voice, moving towards him, but he was already gone before she could reach out and all she could do was watch his retreating back.
Moments later she heard his bedroom door shut and hot tears spilled down her face as she thought of the things she’d said to him. Okay, violence she had been prepared for, but that? No, nothing could have prepared her for that. And how could she have been so stupid to think the whole ‘noble’ thing. Damnit, this was Giles, she should have known he had real motives for not discussing it, what had she been thinking?
It all made sense, his hostility when ever Angel was brought up, the distance he had sometimes. She’d just thought it was the whole torture issue still not quite buried and it could of been except - except not. It wasn’t the first time he’d endured that type of torment and while prolonged he was strong mentally, strong enough to get over the physical side at least. No, that was a serious misjudgement on her part, the signs had been there but she’d misread them…or refused to read them. What should she do?
Buffy dragged her sleeve across her face, scrubbing at the tear tracks trailing down her cheeks, unable to get the image of Giles, tears in his eyes, out of her mind. Rape. He’d been carrying that around for the past three months. Angelus had raped Giles. Twice. Images entered her mind unbidden and she felt sick to her stomach as she tried to imagine what Giles had been going through. Still was. Sitting up a little straighter she glanced towards the loft and listened, torn between going to him and listening to her weak side and leaving. There were no sounds, no footsteps, no immediate indications of flying furniture. Was that a good or a bad thing? He was drunk afterall. More unbidden thoughts. His last outburst had led to the warehouse incident, he’d wanted to die that night…what if…
The Slayer made her way up the stairs and stopped on the landing outside his door. Raising her fist to the wood she knocked lightly, uncertain.
" Giles?"
No reply. Holding her breath she turned the handle and almost silently pushed the door open whilst her heart beat triple time in her chest. The room was lit by a single dim lamp on his bedside and cast crazy shadows around the room. He seemed to have a thing with dim lighting.
" Giles?"
Hesitantly she entered the room, pushing the door to behind her before rounding the foot of his bed to where he sat. He was sitting on the floor with his back against the bed, his knees drawn up towards his chest and tears slowly running down his face, not caring anymore.
Buffy swallowed, feeling herself well up again as she crouched beside him and he closed his eyes tight, turning his face away from her open gaze but the tears continuing to fall.
" I’m so sorry…I, I don’t know what else to say."
" I can’t even protect you anymore. His voice was hoarse, choked almost, trying to fight his emotions.
She reached out a hand and gently touched his cheek, surprised to feel him tense at the tenderest of caresses. Slowly she brushed the back of her hand across his tears tracks, feeling him relax a little, then turned his face to her, taking in the raw emotion she was presented with in his green eyes.
" I don’t want protecting if you have to suffer.
It was the key. His eyes closed and he broke, fresh tears blazing down his cheeks his whole frame trembling. Kneeling beside him she slowly coaxed him into her embrace, pulling him to her and gently rocking him.
" I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry… She whispered tenderly into his ear as he finally gave in and buried himself against her, letting her comfort him, her hands soothing away his pain, letting her for once be his release. His saviour.