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Michael’s life was idealistic -- sweet and simple. Of course, compared to the turbulent nightmare he’d found himself thrust into prior, that wasn’t saying much, as compared to juggling and ruining two lives at once, everything seemed sweet and simple. Sweet and simple, too, was his boyfriend, Max. Upon horseback, the lovers had travelled for weeks, giving up their careers and lives to see the world together. Neither man had put enough thought into the idea to really regret it. Through some random-ass state in the middle of the country, they found themselves voyaging.
“stealing this whorse was such a good idea,” Max boasted, “its so epic.” Michael nodded in agreement,
“Yes, I agree. Stealing this horse was a very good idea, and this horse really is epic. I love you so much, Max. You complete my world. You stupid piece of shit.”
“thnx babe lol”
“BLARRRFHHHGGH, NEEEIGH, HELP ME,” the horse suddenly bellowed. Michael leaned down to meet the beast’s eyes, empty and soulless. He sighed, sitting back up,
“The hornse sounds broken :(“ Max remarked.
“We have to find it some food,” Michael explained, “Say something if you see a store.”
“Something if you see a store :):):)” Max smiled, his face as dopy as ever. Michael laughed, hugging his dearly beloved man partner,
“Your IQ is lower than my standards, which is incredibly impressive, because I’m with you. I would feed you to this horse myself, if you hadn’t contaminated your own meat with that ridiculous-ass tattoo of my face. God, you are just the dumbest man alive.”
Max blushed, “lol babe not in front of the horse omg///”
In silence, Michael and Max sat, just listening to the agonised sounds of their famished horse friend. Suddenly, however, Max spoke up, pointing off into the distance,
“gas statioooooon”
Michael followed Max’s finger off to where it lead, finding a gas station at its end. He gasped,
“GAS STATIOOOOOOON. Horse, take us to the gas station,” he commanded. The horse groaned,
“neigh”
Michael leapt to the ground, tying Max down to the horse’s back.
“I don’t see why you have to do this,” Max complained, “I’m young years old, I haven’t used a seatbelt since I was a baby!”
“God, your parents sound awesome. Anyway, I can’t trust you not to die while I’m gone, it’s for your own good,” Michael explained, leaving to enter the gas station. Max squirmed violently within his restraints, trying to escape.
“Hey, dorse,” he called. The horse turned to face him, “if you let me go, I’ll take my shirt off 4 u,” he offered, winking aggressively.
“geigh,” the horse replied. And with that, Max was free. Upholding his end of the bargain, Max tore his shirt off for the horse.
Michael emerged from the gas station, a bag of chips in his hand. Spotting Max separated from the horse, he ran to the man,
“Max, wtF!!!!!! Where’s your shirt???? And what’s wrong with the horse!!!” He asked angrily, pointing to the horse, which was lying upon the ground with a hose beside its mouth, a strange liquid caking its lips and dripping from the hole,
“what the shit did u do, mac’s”
“I filled up the tank while you were gone,” Max answered nonchalantly. Michael’s face became a bright shade of red as he shouted,
“THERE IS NO TANK, IT’S A FUCKING ORGANIC HORSE.”
“I filled its tummy with gasoline,” Max carried on, correcting himself, “we’ll just have 2 w8 4 him 2 wak up b4 we go”
“MAX, YOU GAVE AN ANIMAL GASOLINE. THAT THING’S NOT WAKING UP.”
Max scoffed, “Oh, on the contrary, dear. When I was growing up, gasoline was a real treat in my household. I used to drink it all the time. Passing out is just a part of the experience. He’ll be up before you know it. Believe me, I know a thing or two about drinking gasoline.”
Michael let out an unusual screeching sound, not unlike that of a car, or an exotic bird,
“gimme that hose, I wanna join the horse.”
Suddenly, a buzzing in Michael’s pocket distracted him from his rage. It was Stan, calling out of nowhere. Michael answered, giving Stan the floor,
“hello bichael”
“What the fuck is Bichael?” asked Michael.
“hahaha ur horse is dead get fucked Michael Dongsucker” Stan taunted, ignoring the question.
“That pun doesn’t even make sense,” Michael retorted.
“shut up at least my fridge isn’t running fuck you say hi to dorothy for me just kidding don't say shit to dildorothy for me ok bye”
Stan hung up quickly. Michael sighed. From the air, a loud laugh track began to blare.