Chapter Text
“When did you figure out I was the problem?”
I sat faced towards one of the many windows in Darla. I sat here often - I appreciated the off-hand warmth whenever the ship passed a star. I had been doing a lot of reflection recently. I knew Adora took notice, but she never pressed me to talk, which was weird because she usually never shut up. I was grateful at first, but now I needed her to listen. So, I sat by the nearest window to the bunkroom, so she would see me when she finished her shower.
“That’s not fair-“Adora interjected as quickly as the question left my mouth.
“How so?”
I turned to face her - lock eyes with her - for the first time that day… night? Time stood still in space.
I could see every emotion play out on Adora’s face before I broke eye contact. She wasn’t ready for this conversation. Neither was I, but I couldn’t continue to share a space with her without some form of acknowledgment of the past three years.
I couldn’t continue to converse with her friends as if I hadn’t tried to throw each of them off a cliff… more than once.
I couldn’t continue to act like all it took for me to see the light was darkness.
I had tried to apologize before, but each time the words never made it past my lips; I would just say something about how I will be better or change the subject entirely. I was disgusted with how weak I could sometimes be, but Adora just happened to be my kryptonite.
“Yeah.” I cleared my throat. I wasn’t going to break down in front of her. She didn’t deserve that. “Because it took me a long time.”
I didn’t turn to face her again, but I could feel her eyes on the side of my face. I couldn’t shut her out - not again. In an attempt to stay grounded, I flicked my tail against her hand. It took her attention away for a brief moment. Finally, I conceded and allowed my tail to wrap around her wrist. I could hear her sigh of reassurance before I began to chip away at our future once more.
“So what happens now?” I croaked - so much for saving face. “I’m the bad guy. I’m the villain-“
“Catra,” Adora warned.
“No. How do I- Can I even come back from this?”
Space could be so silent. I noticed it first on Prime’s ship, but I tended to make my own noise to drown out the lack of life. Whether it be unsheathing the nails on my toes to clink against the metal floors or, if I was alone, letting a low purr rumble through the vacant halls.
I could tell Adora noticed the silence, too. She cleared her throat as her heart rate elevated. I was scaring her. I wrapped my tail slightly tighter around her wrist. I considered faking a purr for a second but decided it would disrupt the topic at hand.
“I don’t want to blame something for my actions. I mean, of course, I could always blame Shadow Weaver-“
Adora let out a hesitant, sniffly laugh. She was crying? Her time away from the Horde has made her soft, but I don’t think that’s such a bad thing anymore. I turned my head to find her solemnly peering at the bay window we sat on. She hadn’t noticed I was looking. I took the opportunity to gaze over her delicate features. Adora had always been beautiful - but these years apart didn’t allow me time to study her as I once did. A single tear rolled down her cheek and broke me out of my trance. I was staring. I was being weird. I broke my gaze.
“-but… I’m not positive I’ll be able to change for you. Or anyone for that matter,” I continued hesitantly.
The silence was back. Adora was looking at me. I didn’t need to look at her to know the expression written all over her face. I could feel the fur on the back of my neck raise with the tension in the room. I unconsciously unraveled my tail from Adora’s wrist to instead have it comfortably wrap around my waist.
She was holding onto every single word I spoke as if the world were at stake. I could almost laugh at the irony. Almost.
I took in a shaky breath to continue talking, but a slow movement in my peripherals caught my attention. Adora looked as if she was deciding whether to reach out to me. Shame washed over me at the small action. I was putting her through so much worry - and for what? To ease my own regret? Adora’s eyes flicked upwards to meet my own, a small, dopey smile stretched across her face. The conversation could have waited if it meant Adora didn’t look at me that way.
I bridged the gap and took Adora’s hand in my own. Adora squeezed my hand with another grateful sigh. Why was I doing this to her? Could I not swallow my vanity for five seconds? Fucking shit.
“And I don’t want to put anyone else what I put you through. I’m sorry, Adora.”
Another tear slipped down Adora’s face at my apology.
“Catra-“ Adora’s voice broke.
“I’m really sorry-“
I was cut off by a body slamming into my own. Arms stretched around my shoulders as Adora buried her face in my neck. It took a second for my body to catch up with my brain. When it did, I wrapped my arms around Adora’s waist in an attempt to show her my stupid words had at least some meaning.
We sat in silence for exactly twelve seconds. I counted each one as Adora’s chest heaved against my own. Anything to distract me from the way her body felt against mine.
Adora backed away first. She untangled her arms from my neck only to wipe her tears and settle her palms on my thighs. The intimate position of her hands caused a light blush to crowd my features. When Adora noticed my red face, her’s lit up as well, but she made no motion to move her hands.
“Catra, it’s okay. I forgive you.”
The warmth in my cheeks suddenly felt tingly, as if the gravity in the ship had been switched off. How could Adora forgive me? I was the stubborn one. I fought against her for years out of nothing but pettiness. I almost destroyed the entirety of Etheria. I killed people.
“No.”
Adora looked taken aback. For a moment, my heart squeezed with regret, but I had to let this out.
“I’m never going to live down what I did to you - what I did to Etheria! How can you possibly even think about forgiving me?”
Adora opened her mouth to retort but soon closed it when nothing came out.
“How do I continue to live my life after causing so much pain to everyone else’s? No amount of self-growth can undo what I’ve done.” My chest heaved at the increase in my pulse. So many thoughts crowded my mind, all fighting for a chance to be ripped out of my throat. I felt suffocated. I had so much to say - so much to beg forgiveness for. Do I even deserve forgiveness? No, I don’t. Adora doesn’t understand what she’s offering me. ME. Catra. Horde fucking scum.
“Catra, stop.” Adora’s tone was unwavering. It startled me enough for me to close my mouth. The look on her face - so determined - it reminded me of when she was about to start a training session back in the Horde. But, unfortunately, my nostalgia was cut short by Adora’s hands taking my own. During my outburst, my claws had started to scrape against the metal of the bench we sat on, and Adora noticed. Of course, she noticed. Stupid Adora and her big, stupid heart.
“Catra,” She had that stoic look in her eye, like what she’s about to say would change the trajectory of my life. If it weren’t such an inappropriate time, I would have poked fun at it.
Her mouth closed as her eyebrows dipped down in a furrow. I could almost smell the charcoal steam coming from within her head as her brain churned to come up with a proper response. I couldn’t bare to continue looking at her, so I focused my attention on the way her hands felt cupping my own as she circled soothing motions with her thumb. Her hands were calloused as they had been back in the Horde; except, in different areas. Her sword must have a significant amount of weight over her old staff.
I still had her staff.
Well, not anymore. I wasn’t quite sure what was left of the Fright Zone where I had left it. It hit me for the second time that I was in space. With Adora.
As if Adora read my mental cue, she spoke.
“I can’t say I understand why you did what you did. Maybe you can explain it to me sometime when we’re back on Etheria. When Prime is…”
The mention of Prime brought that weightless feeling back. My ears smoothed back against my head as my claws sunk into Adora’s skin. The fresh wound caused Adora to stumble on her words as she realized her mistake. Prime’s name echoed in my ears, first sounding like Adora, lovely Adora, before morphing into His voice.
I drew back my hands to prevent more damage to Adora’s because I knew she wouldn’t have taken such initiative. Adora’s words became less coherent as the silence returned.
My hands found their way to the back of my neck, sinking into my skin, where I felt the ghost of an invisible enemy. I don’t know why I was acting like this. I could think about Prime - it’s whatever - what happened happened, and there was nothing I could do about it. But something about the way Adora casually let his name slip made everything feel more real. My vision blurred as I was sent spiraling back to that sea of green. My head was so loud - so loud, but nothing left my mouth.
Adora’s voice broke through the silence in the form of a jumble of words that I couldn’t quite put meaning. The substance of her words didn’t matter, though. All that mattered was her, my lifeline. Literally.
I was causing a scene. This wasn’t how this conversation was supposed to go. I was being dramatic. I quickly controlled my breathing as Adora’s words became as coherent as they could have, considering her panic-induced state.
“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean- we don’t have to talk about Pri- we don’t have to talk about it!”
My heart ached at Adora’s panic. I was so bad for her. I had to pull myself together.
Adora fumbled with her hands as if deciding whether it was her place to touch me - as if I was broken glass that could cut her hands if mishandled. I didn’t blame her, I had already accidentally scratched her, but it still stung.
I swallowed my pride and broke the distance. My hands found their way to cup Adora’s face on both sides. I just needed her to calm down.
Adora’s cheeks gained a slight rosy tinge as her eyes flickered up to meet my own. She was so dumb… and so pretty. Her pupils dilated, slightly parted lips, a couple of strands of hair framed her face that had fallen out of her dumb little hair poof. It wasn’t dumb. I liked it. I was staring. Fuck, Catra, stop being weird.
I could feel the heat on my cheeks as I fully grasped the position I had put us in. I needed to say something to break the tension.
“It’s okay, Adora,” I stated in a stern whisper,” it’s okay.”
Adora gave a series of small, fervent nods. It was adorable. I needed to put some distance between us before I did something stupid.
I slowly dropped my hands and allowed myself to sit back, having stopped whatever that was.
We sat looking at each other for a considerable amount of time. We weren’t by any notable astronomical anomaly, so the only light hitting Adora’s face was that of the fluorescent hallway. She looked well-rested. Every night - or, I guess, whenever I decided to sleep - Adora would find her way into my room in the brig. At first, it was disguised as just checking in on me, but it soon became a habit. I would excuse myself from dinner, go to my room, wait exactly thirteen minutes, and Adora would knock on my door. Sometimes we would talk about mindless things; other times, we would just sit in silence, observing one another, waiting to see who would make the first move to hold each other like we truly wanted. It was usually me.
Adora glanced down at her wounded hands, then back up at me. My heart twisted as I muttered an apology. She broke the silence first.
“Catra, I forgive you.”
I always considered myself the stubborn one of the two of us, but Adora had her moments. My fur stood on end as I gave her an unhinged look. Adora continued before I could interject with denial.
“Stop. Before you say anything, let me speak.” Adora shifted into a more comfortable position with her palms face down on the metal bench. That cold metal probably brought relief to the cuts on her hands, but I couldn’t stop myself from wishing I were holding them instead.
“I know I have no reason to, but I have never given up hope on you, Catra. I knew you weren’t a bad person; you were just-“
“A crazy bitch,” I muttered.
“No,” Adora warned,” you were hurt.”
I bit back a mewl that threatened to rip through my throat—that hurt.
“You were hurt, and I didn’t understand why, but I do now.” I raised my eyebrow, intrigued with what reasoning Adora had concluded that I hadn’t already dissected myself.
“I abandoned you, Catra. I left. I did what you always begged me not to do when we were kids.” Adora was crying again. She blamed herself. Absolutely not.
“Adora, no. This was not your fault. This was me. This was me, and I need to take responsibility for myself. I need to feel the consequences of my actions because I DESERVE consequences.” I felt tears sting the back of my eyes. I couldn’t break, not yet.
“So please, Adora. Please be a little selfish for once in your life and let me carry this burden on my own.” It was a lot to ask of her, so I wasn’t surprised by her following words:
“You will never be alone. Not again.” I gulped down the knot in my throat as she opened her mouth to speak again.
“I understand that you have a lot to work through. Fuck, Catra, we were on opposite sides of a war that ended up not even mattering!” I was startled at her outburst; my tail flickered, giving away my feelings.
“So, instead of shutting me out again, how about we acknowledge that we’ve both been through a lot that we need to work through… together.” Adora’s eyes softened, which caused my heart to clench. “I don’t want to lose you again.”
There it goes. Uncontrollable tears streamed down my face - to the point where I couldn’t quite make out Adora’s figure anymore. I didn’t even see her move forward to first cup my face then pull me into a hug.
Amid my tears, I decided that I would end this conversation. I didn’t need to drag out a dead thing. I wanted to, instead, be present for Adora. She needed me. Just as much as I needed her.
I could feel Adora’s hands rub against my back - starting from the back of my neck to smooth down whatever fur was visible. After a while, her motions slowed down to match our decreasing heartbeats.
Adora retracted first. Her hands snaked from my back, up to my arms, to the corners of my jaw. One stayed against my cheek, wiping away stray tears, while the other rested comfortably against the junction of my neck and collar.
“I missed you,” she said, sniffling back tears I was unaware she shed.
“I missed you, too, dummy.”
A quiet purr echoed through the halls of the silent ship.