Archive of Our Own

Sometimes, Seungmin feels emotions that aren't his own.

Ever since he was young, he has been attuned to other people's emotions, like an antenna picking up radio waves. For Seungmin, the world is filled with swirling whorls and eddies of emotions that he has learned to traverse delicately, so as to not become overwhelmed or distracted. He has come to have a reputation as a particularly sensitive and empathetic young man—but no one is the wiser that Seungmin possesses this unusual ability. Seungmin isn't sure anyone would believe him if he told them.

Whenever someone's emotion is particularly strong, Seungmin can feel it, the shimmering intensity of their emotional aura transferring to Seungmin. Seungmin has learned to be tranquil, measured, unperturbed so that he is not thrown about on the turbulent waves of other people’s emotions.

Seungmin is a pragmatic person, accepting that this is who he is, not chasing down the impenetrable hows and whys, the metaphysics of his abilities. He tries to stay positive about his abilities out of necessity—at how they make him uniquely positioned to subdue the emotional turmoil of others, at how they make him a capable reader of others and their concealed intentions—and most days, he believes it. But some days, when the poignancy of another's emotions cuts particularly deep, he wonders why this is his burden to bear.

Seungmin has grown up at the Chinese restaurant owned by his grandparents. He has many fond memories here, from wrapping dumplings as a child to doing homework in the back, the delicious smell of his grandmother's cooking wafting around him, to crowded family gatherings celebrating milestones like his sister's college graduation.

Now, in his second grade of high school, he has started working part-time as a server in the restaurant. It is at the restaurant that he first meets Hwang Hyunjin, on a muggy August day in 2009.

Hyunjin arrives at the restaurant with Lee Minho, a first-year college student at Yonsei University who has become a regular. Seungmin's grandmother has a soft spot for him—although Minho tends to be aloof and indecipherable, he is patient and encouraging with Seungmin's younger cousin, who takes lessons from Minho at the neighboring dance studio Double Knot Academy.

The first thing Seungmin notices is Hyunjin's beauty. There is a charming mole under his left eye like an angel's kiss, and his lips are plush and inviting. If Seungmin didn't already know that he was interested in men, Hyunjin would have been the final proof. The second thing Seungmin notices is that he feels drawn to Hyunjin like a moth to the flame, feels compelled to indulge his every wish. Seungmin wonders if Hyunjin, too, has powers. The third thing Seungmin notices is the warm, intense glow of Hyunjin's romantic yearning towards Minho versus the muted, subdued haze of Minho's platonic affection towards Hyunjin.

Seungmin takes a deep breath, a little reluctant to navigate this quagmire he's faced with. His grandmother shoots him a dirty look for keeping Minho waiting, and Seungmin scurries off.

"Hi, Minho hyung," Seungmin greets, friendly, insincere customer service smile on.

"Hi, Seungmin," Minho replies coolly. "This is Hwang Hyunjin, one of my high school hoobaes from back in Gimpo. You two are actually chingus."

"Hi, Hyunjin," Seungmin waves politely. Seungmin feels Hyunjin's gaze on him momentarily before it slips away. Seungmin knows he's not the most eye-catching boy around—unlike Hyunjin, Seungmin's beauty is simple, subtle, one that grows on you slowly with time. Seungmin knows, too, that as a consequence of his powers, his personality has developed in such a way that he could be accused of being overly bland and agreeable. Though Seungmin already knows that Hyunjin is otherwise preoccupied with his crush on Minho, Seungmin still can't help but feel an unsettled swoop in his stomach in how little of an impression he makes on Hyunjin.

After taking down their order, Seungmin leaves the two of them to their conversation about dance and updates about classmates back in Gimpo. For the rest of the night, Seungmin tries to talk himself out of the sense of disappointment that lingers like the smell of smoke.

A month later, Seungmin is working at the restaurant when Minho arrives with Han Jisung, another regular who works at the nearby Blueprint Café. It’s odd, though, because Jisung is usually accompanied by Seo Changbin, Jisung’s friend and co-worker from Blueprint, and Seungmin had no idea that Minho and Jisung knew one another.

Seungmin hasn’t gotten that close to Minho, maybe on account of the distance their age difference creates or because of the contrast between their personalities. He has struck up a friendly relationship with Jisung, however, and that makes him bold in his greeting.

“You two know each other? Interesting.”

Seungmin should have known that the two of them together would be insufferable as they simultaneously respond, “Your interests don't sound very interesting” (from Jisung) and “Your definition of interesting is really boring, then” (from Minho).

Seungmin groans, although there’s no real bite to it. “This is what I mean—whatever. Never mind. Just tell me what you fools want to eat.”

Seungmin faithfully records their order and leaves the two boys chattering excitedly. As he heads to the back to talk to his grandmother, he smiles to himself, heart warm and buoyed by the honeyed, reciprocated romantic affection between the two boys.

A couple days later, Seungmin nearly slips and falls as he rushes from school to the restaurant under the torrential downpour. A couple hours into his shift, Minho and some of the other instructors from Double Knot pile into the restaurant, and immediately Seungmin feels that something is amiss with Minho. The other boy is devastated, miserable, yearning, a stark contrast from how he was just a few days ago.

Minho is surrounded by his co-workers, and even if he had come alone, Seungmin isn't sure if it would be overly familiar to check on him. Still, the heart-wrenching sorrow from Minho that Seungmin is experiencing, and Seungmin's resulting uneasiness about the situation, persists.

The next time he sees Hyunjin is the following March, when they are both in the third grade of high school. To Seungmin's surprise and confusion, Minho and Hyunjin walk into the restaurant holding hands, and there is a certain tenderness and care in their interactions that leads Seungmin to think that they are dating.

What about Jisung? Seungmin wants to ask, but he knows it's not his place. Maybe things just didn't work out with Jisung, maybe Seungmin read the situation incorrectly that day.

Still, something doesn't sit quite right with Seungmin about Minho and Hyunjin dating. Seungmin can sense that Hyunjin is more invested in this relationship than Minho is, and the emotional tenor from Minho towards Hyunjin compared to Jisung feels dull and grey. When he sees Hyunjin smiling adoringly at Minho like Minho has hung all the stars in the sky, he feels his heart twist in his chest out of concern for Hyunjin. Seungmin can't help but feel a little jealous, although he knows it's irrational—he barely knows Hyunjin and Seungmin strongly suspects that his reaction to Hyunjin is partially due to Hyunjin having powers. Seungmin glowers a little at Minho anyways.

Though he assumes Minho and Hyunjin are still dating, Seungmin doesn't see them at the restaurant. Eventually, Hyunjin slips from Seungmin's mind as he gets caught up in studying for the Suneung, the important standardized college admissions exam, and applying for college.

The next time he meets Hyunjin is a year after the last, during orientation for Yonsei University, where they are both first years.

Seungmin spots Hyunjin and hesitates. Should he greet Hyunjin? What if Hyunjin doesn't remember him or worse, does but thinks it's creepy that Seungmin is saying hello? Just when Seungmin is about to shift his attention away from Hyunjin, Hyunjin approaches him. "Seungmin, right? You work at that Chinese restaurant near campus?"

"Y-yeah," Seungmin stammers. "Hyunjin, right? You're Minho hyung's friend?"

Immediately, Seungmin feels the sensation of raw pain, lashing blindly outwards in bruised pride. "We broke up, if you were wondering," Hyunjin replies stiffly. "After ten months. Just in time for me to have already committed to attending Yonsei." Hyunjin smiles, but it's feral, bitter.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Seungmin murmurs.

Hyunjin tries to shrug nonchalantly, but Seungmin can tell that Hyunjin is feigning placidity, is a roiling whirlpool underneath. "I'm the one that broke it off."

"I see," Seungmin replies, unsure how to respond to that.

Hyunjin laughs sourly. "We just weren't a good fit, I guess. I liked hyung more than he liked me. He couldn't, or wouldn't, express affection in a way that resonated with me. To add insult to injury, he apparently started dating me because his friend Jisun told him to give me a chance, and Minho hyung didn't have a good reason to say no." Seungmin notices that Hyunjin's hands are balled into fists, his fingernails digging forcefully into his palms. "I don't want to be pitied," he states fiercely, and Seungmin isn't sure if he's talking about by Minho or by Seungmin.

"I don't even know why I'm telling you, a stranger, all of this," Hyunjin reflects.

"Sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger," Seungmin postulates.

"I suppose so," Hyunjin replies.

At that point, the orientation begins, and the conversation ends between Hyunjin and Seungmin.

The orientation session is dull, as all orientation sessions tend to be. After the orientation ends, Seungmin turns to Hyunjin. "What are you studying?" he asks.

"Dance," Hyunjin replies, his lips pursed. "Like hyung. You?"

"Sociology," Seungmin answers. "Maybe I'll see you around," Seungmin says, although their majors are so different he highly doubts it.

"Yeah, sure," Hyunjin remarks, and Seungmin can tell that Hyunjin doesn't really believe it, either.

It turns out that they are both taking the same undergraduate elective course on epistemology, which is so outside the scope of either of their majors that the only people they recognize in class are each other.

Seungmin arrives early, as is his habit, methodically taking out his notebook and pens in a predetermined order. Hyunjin, on the other hand, arrives late, gaze flickering across the lecture hall looking for an empty spot before landing on Seungmin.

"Fancy seeing you here," Hyunjin puffs, out of breath from rushing to class. Seungmin shoots him a thin-lipped smile in response, a little annoyed at the distraction from a monotonous discussion of the syllabus. Hyunjin doesn't seem to get the memo as he rattles loudly around in his backpack, searching for his notebook and pens. Even once he has procured them, he seems to spend most of the lecture daydreaming and doodling in the margins of his pages. He's a very talented artist, Seungmin notices.

At the end of class, Hyunjin offers up a smile to Seungmin. "I'll see you in class?"

Seungmin nods. "Yeah, I'll see you."

As the semester progresses, a tentative friendship blossoms between Hyunjin and Seungmin. The initial compulsion to get closer to Hyunjin and cater to his every whim that Seungmin first noticed back in 2009 fades quickly, but Seungmin finds that he enjoys the other boy's company and would do anything to see the other boy smile anyway.

That's not Hyunjin's powers, that's all Hyunjin.

The two of them get into the habit of sitting next to each other in class, to the point where Seungmin starts saving a seat for Hyunjin, who is perpetually running late. Seungmin, too, starts getting into the habit of bringing frozen strawberries as a snack for Hyunjin, in addition to almonds for himself. Scatterbrained, Hyunjin forgets to pack food more often than not, the grumblings of his stomach echoing around the lecture hall after his strenuous dance practices.

Honestly, when Seungmin stops to think about it, it's a wonder the two of them get along at all. They are polar opposites in most respects—Hyunjin's fragile, delicate mentality in contrast to Seungmin's strong, resilient one; Seungmin buttoned up, literally, Hyunjin leaving the top few buttons undone, revealing a sinfully creamy expanse of skin; Seungmin diligently sticking to the schedule he sets for himself whereas Hyunjin is a hopeless procrastinator. And yet it works, the two of them similar where it counts—both thoughtful and curious about the world, hard-working and determined, loyal and intentional.

The two of them start studying together when Seungmin doesn't have a shift at his grandparents' restaurant, quizzing each other on the core ideas of various philosophers like Descartes and Hume to prepare for exams and working on their papers together.

It's during one such coffee shop study date that Hyunjin comments offhand, "You know, Seungmin, you've become one of my closest friends in college." Seungmin looks up from his textbooks to find Hyunjin smiling warmly at him.

"You're one of mine, too," Seungmin replies, warmth blooming through his chest.

After nearly pulling an all nighter studying in Hyunjin's apartment, fueled solely by late night snacks, the two of them take their final exam in the epistemology elective, which also happens to be the last final for both of them.

When the two of them walk out of the lecture hall, Hyunjin does a little twirl with his arms outstretched, soaking in the balmy June air. "We're free!" he cheers, turning to flash Seungmin a giddy smile.

Seungmin, though reserved, can't help but smile in return at Hyunjin's infectious enthusiasm. "Yes! We should do something to celebrate before you head home to Gimpo."

"Some of my classmates in the dance department are throwing a party. We should go! It's the quintessential college experience!" Hyunjin tells Seungmin excitedly.

Seungmin groans inwardly. Parties don't appeal to him at all—the sweaty, sticky, deafening atmosphere; insubstantial small talk with strangers; watching people make a fool of themselves while inebriated—but he supposes he should go to one before writing them off completely. "Okay," he agrees.

The funny thing is, one time when the two of them were bored while studying, they took the MBTI, and Seungmin typed extrovert while Hyunjin typed introvert. It certainly doesn't seem like that at the party, and it's probably not just because Hyunjin knows more people there.

Seungmin nurses the same cup of alcohol the entire party, sticking to the sidelines. On the other hand, Hyunjin, carefree and eager to let loose, downs a couple of drinks in the first hour, flits around the room conversing with strangers, and hits the makeshift dance floor, elegant and hypnotic.

"Come dance with me!" Hyunjin calls to Seungmin over the bass-heavy music. Seungmin shakes his head. "Come on, don't be a spoilsport!" Hyunjin insists, dragging Seungmin onto the dance floor. Seungmin always feels self-conscious when dancing, but Hyunjin, sweet as always, makes him feel comfortable. Seungmin can feel Hyunjin's pure, unadulterated joy, but unusually, the happiness feels completely like Seungmin's own. Seungmin files the detail away to examine later.

Just as Seungmin is starting to get lost in the music, he feels Hyunjin freeze up next to him and his joy dissipate away to unease and despondency. Seungmin looks up, following Hyunjin's gaze. Hyunjin is looking at Minho, who seems to have just arrived to the party.

Seungmin gently shakes Hyunjin's arm. "Let's head out." Hyunjin doesn't respond initially, so Seungmin repeats himself. Eventually, Hyunjin nods numbly, and the two of them leave the party.

They walk back to Hyunjin's apartment in silence. When they enter the apartment, Seungmin turns to Hyunjin and murmurs softly, "You okay?"

Hyunjin grits his teeth. "I'm upset he ruined my night out. I'm upset I let him."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Seungmin asks.

Hyunjin shakes his head, so they spend the rest of the night eating ice cream from Hyunjin's freezer and laughing uproariously at clips of Running Man on YouTube.

Hyunjin spends his break with his parents in Gimpo while Seungmin spends his working in his grandparents' restaurant. Though they don't see each other over the break, they stay in touch through text.

Seungmin is hanging up his apron at the end of a shift when he spots Hyunjin through the glass, waving enthusiastically to him outside of the restaurant.

Seungmin kisses his grandmother on the cheek and heads towards Hyunjin.

"What are you doing here?" Seungmin asks Hyunjin. He hadn't expected Hyunjin to come back for a couple more days.

"I'm back in town and thought I would surprise you! Come watch the premiere of It's Okay, That's Love with me!" Hyunjin juts his lower lip out cutely at Seungmin, and Seungmin laughs.

"Okay, okay." Who is Seungmin to say no?

They don't end up having any classes together this semester, and working part-time at his grandparents' restaurant plus playing intramural baseball keeps Seungmin plenty busy, but they have a standing appointment with each other to watch the new episode of It's Okay, That's Love live on Thursdays together. Honestly, Seungmin doesn't watch dramas much, but he's content to have the opportunity to spend time with his friend, who has drama mania.

Seungmin has long ago realized that his friend has a guileless, pure heart with boundless love to give the world. From wanting to contribute to every cause that solicits donations on campus to empathizing deeply with drama characters as if their lives were his own, Hyunjin makes Seungmin feel protective and endeared. So, it’s no surprise when Hyunjin starts tearing up at the emotional climax of the latest episode of It’s Okay, That’s Love. Habitually, Seungmin picks up the tissue box they keep nearby expressly for this purpose when he realizes that Hyunjin seems more upset than normal, feels an undercurrent of pain that is more intense than Hyunjin’s normal reaction to the drama.

“You okay?” Seungmin asks.

“I’m fine,” Hyunjin croaks, dabbing at his eyes with a tissue.

Seungmin presses Hyunjin further. “Are you sure?”

Hyunjin nods his head yes, then shakes his head no.

“What’s wrong?” Seungmin murmurs.

“I’m really happy that you’re here, but I just feel so lonely today,” Hyunjin sniffles. “I just have days like this where my loneliness feels bone deep and soul crushing, where I can’t remember what it feels like to feel anything other than this and I fear that I will never feel anything except loneliness ever again. I just—I just really care about people, you know? So, I try to get closer to them, get to know them better. It just hurts when people don’t put the same effort in our friendship, when it feels like I’m being taken for granted.”

Hyunjin hiccups. “I know I can’t get everyone to like me, and I know I should let go of people who aren’t willing to invest time in our friendship, but paradoxically, I think because I want so badly to be liked by everyone, it makes me try harder. I know it’s a vicious cycle that is only going to set me up for disappointment, but I can’t help myself.”

Seungmin holds Hyunjin’s hand and starts rubbing comforting circles into his skin. “If people don’t appreciate how precious and wonderful you are, they don't deserve your friendship," he replies fiercely.

Hyunjin responds with a watery smile.

"Could I get a hug?" Hyunjin asks, then, quiet and unsure.

By now Seungmin knows how much Hyunjin thrives off of physical affection, so he nods in response, his arms outstretched. Hyunjin nestles himself into Seungmin's arms, and Seungmin gently strokes Hyunjin's back. They stay embraced like this for a long time.

Eventually, Hyunjin mumbles into Seungmin's shoulder, "Hey, it's getting late. Do you want to stay at my apartment instead of heading back to your parents' place?"

"That's okay, I don't want to impose on you," Seungmin replies.

"It's no trouble," Hyunjin hums. "Actually, I just want the company of another person tonight…" he looks up at Seungmin, eyes pleading.

Seungmin doesn't have the heart to say no to that, and besides, it is late.

"Okay," Seungmin acquiesces.

"I'll set up my bed for you, and I can sleep on the couch," Hyunjin tells Seungmin, leaving no room for argument.

"I don't mind sleeping on the couch," Seungmin protests.

Hyunjin shakes his head. "You're my guest. I'll be right back."

Hyunjin changes the bedding and grabs an extra toothbrush, towels, and pajamas for Seungmin.

The two of them get ready for bed in silence.

As Seungmin settles into bed, Hyunjin hesitates at the doorway to the living room. Hyunjin doesn't say anything, but Seungmin has a suspicion he knows the explanation for Hyunjin's behavior. "Do you want another hug?" he asks Hyunjin.

The tension bleeds away from Hyunjin's posture, and he nods eagerly before pausing. "I don't—I don't want to be annoying," he mutters, crumpling a little on himself. "People have told me I'm too clingy before."

Seungmin can feel Hyunjin's emotions, that Hyunjin feels pitiful, flawed, defective for craving physical affection. It makes Seungmin's heart ache that people have made him feel ashamed just for being who he is. He wants to tell Hyunjin that he has nothing to apologize for, that he is perfect as he is, that Seungmin has got him, but for once in his life Seungmin feels like the words are tangled up and clogged in his throat, that he can't articulate what he's thinking. It feels somehow too intimate and vulnerable to say what’s on his mind. Instead, he smiles encouragingly at Hyunjin. "C'mere," Seungmin says fondly, gesturing to Hyunjin to approach him. Seungmin folds Hyunjin into his arms.

After a couple of minutes, Hyunjin asks, "Is this comfortable for you?"

Seungmin's body is contorted into a strange position to simultaneously sit on the bed and hug Hyunjin, and Seungmin admits, "No, it's not."

"Let's lie down?" Hyunjin proposes.

Seungmin lies flat; Hyunjin burrows himself into the juncture between Seungmin's arm and shoulder, his arm carelessly curled around Seungmin's torso. Though it's still a hug, the fact that they are lying in bed makes the moment feel exponentially more intimate, and Seungmin feels his heartbeat begin racing as he is overwhelmed by the sensation of Hyunjin in his arms, the scent of Hyunjin's shampoo filling his nostrils. Seungmin wonders if Hyunjin can hear his staccato heartbeat when he realizes that Hyunjin has nodded off.

Seungmin is not a dreamer—not because he is not predisposed to being one, but because of necessity, of practicality. But for a moment he allows himself to dream that the boy in his arms is his—holds him closer, gently runs his hands through Hyunjin's hair. Seungmin yearns for something he is reluctant to name—not because he doesn't know what it is, but precisely because he does, and he doesn't want to burden Hyunjin, whose heart is still delicately tethered to Minho. Just for this moment, though, he pretends otherwise.

In the morning when Seungmin wakes, Hyunjin is gone. The phantom feeling of Hyunjin in his arms causes a gnawing feeling at Seungmin's heart, and he wants—wants to cherish Hyunjin, wants Hyunjin to let him. He exhales shakily, suppressing his emotions. He can take care of Hyunjin as a friend; he must not further disrupt Hyunjin's turbulent emotional state by introducing another unwelcome variable.

Mind thus set, Seungmin steps out of the bedroom to find Hyunjin humming along to an IU song while cooking in the kitchen wearing an obnoxiously bright pink apron which, when Seungmin peers closer at it, has an Apeach print. "Oh, you're awake!" Hyunjin smiles brilliantly. "The apron was a joke gift," Hyunjin explains in response to Seungmin's confused expression.

"It's hideous," Seungmin grins teasingly.

Hyunjin tosses his hair jokingly. "I'm gorgeous enough to pull it off."

Seungmin finds that he has to agree, although he keeps his opinion to himself.

"Are you feeling better?" Seungmin asks hopefully.

"Yeah," Hyunjin answers, scooping porridge into two bowls and grabbing some side dishes out of the refrigerator. "I tend to feel the moodiest at night. Thank you for everything," he looks up at Seungmin, smiling shyly. "I made you breakfast as thanks."

Seungmin finds his resolve wavering at the domesticity of the scene—of confiding in one another, falling asleep in each other's arms, and having meals together—and nearly gets lost in his daydream, nearly blurts out unsaid words, before he forces himself to return to earth. Hyunjin is sweet, is all, has no ulterior motives. "Let's eat," Seungmin says instead.

There is an imperceptible shift in their relationship after that night—slowly, Hyunjin begins to show Seungmin the whole person behind his cheerful exterior—insecure, melancholy, and contrary, too. Seungmin finds he cares about him all the same.

Seungmin becomes Hyunjin's main confidant, and though it doesn't occur often, Seungmin occasionally finds himself tangled up in Hyunjin's limbs, holding him as sobs wrack Hyunjin's body and Hyunjin desperately seeks an anchor to weather the storm.

They make happy memories, too. On the day of Seungmin's birthday, Hyunjin insists that Seungmin stop by his apartment even though It's Okay, That's Love isn't airing on account of it being close to Chuseok.

Hyunjin demands that Seungmin wear shoes that are good for walking, and when Seungmin arrives at his apartment, Hyunjin immediately tugs Seungmin onto a bus.

"Where are we headed?" Seungmin asks, perplexed.

"You'll see," Hyunjin smiles mysteriously.

They get off, and Seungmin realizes Hyunjin has brought him to Bukhansan National Park.

"You mentioned that you haven't been able to get out of the city and connect with nature as much as you'd like," Hyunjin blushes, "so I thought we could hike and watch the sunset together."

Seungmin is overcome with emotion, touched by Hyunjin's thoughtfulness. "Thank you for making this an unforgettable day," he manages to get the words out.

Hyunjin smiles back, effervescent. "You can't say that before seeing the sunset! Come on, let's get going!"

The two of them hike up, talking about anything and everything. When they reach the summit, it's a beautiful view, the city spread out below them, crowned by the sun.

Seungmin turns to look at Hyunjin, who is smiling softly at him. "Thanks again," he whispers, not wanting to disrupt the singular, infinitesimal moment they are sharing together.

"You're welcome, but your birthday celebration isn't over yet," Hyunjin winks at Seungmin.

When they return to Hyunjin's apartment, Seungmin finds that Hyunjin has prepared him the traditional birthday meal, seaweed soup and japchae noodles, as well as bought a slice of green bon delicieux from Paris Baguette.

Seungmin notices two things. First, his heart swells with happiness at being able to spend his birthday with someone who has come to be his favorite person. Second, he feels Hyunjin's happiness, seemingly in response to his own.

They make more memories together—finishing It's Okay, That's Love, Hyunjin cheering on Seungmin during intramural baseball games, Seungmin bringing Hyunjin flowers to his dance recital, Hyunjin's hapless attempt at learning PC gaming from Seungmin because he wants to "enjoy your hobbies too."

It all comes to a head after Seungmin watches Hyunjin go through yet another breakup with a guy that he's been casually seeing.

Seungmin knows, has known for a while now, that he's in love with Hyunjin. Though Seungmin is too logical to believe in love at first sight, he is enough of a hopeless romantic to feel like falling in love with Hyunjin was inevitable, each moment spent together bringing him closer to his fate.

At the same time, once Hyunjin got over his breakup with Minho, Seungmin has had a front row seat to a number of ill-fated relationships that Hyunjin has entered with men who don't seem to understand him, don't seem to appreciate him.

What makes it all the worse is that at this point, Seungmin is fairly certain that Hyunjin is in love with him too.

It was difficult to tell, at first—the platonic and romantic threads of Hyunjin's affection towards Seungmin so deeply intertwined that it was difficult to perceive where one ended and the other began, or, if indeed both were even present. Even if Seungmin didn't have his powers, though, he thinks he would suspect that Hyunjin was interested in the very least, in the way that his stares and touches sometimes linger.

Which is why it's so confusing to Seungmin why Hyunjin keeps getting into relationships with men who are not suitable for him.

As Seungmin gently wipes Hyunjin's tears away with a tissue, he thinks, Hyunjin, I can give you what these men cannot. I can Romance you with a capital R. Tenderly whisper sweet nothings in your ear while tucking your hair back; grand, Instagrammable gestures of love for anniversaries and birthdays. For you, I can do anything, because you deserve it all.

"I was hoping he would be different," Hyunjin says, voice breaking at the very end. Seungmin feels like his heart very nearly breaks, too.

This dancing around each other has gone on long enough, Seungmin thinks. He resolves to confess to Hyunjin tonight. Now.

Seungmin gathers all his courage and brushes Hyunjin's bangs away from his face, kissing the mole underneath Hyunjin's left eye. "Hyunjin, let me love you," he murmurs against Hyunjin's skin.

Seungmin feels Hyunjin freeze up and then relax in his arms. "No," Hyunjin replies. "I can't lose you. I can't lose you like all the others."

Seungmin frowns. "Why would you lose me?"

Hyunjin wrestles himself out of Seungmin's embrace. "Because everyone always ends up leaving," he responds, bottom lip wobbling. "People think they want to spend time with me, would do anything for my company—but then the effect wears off and they realize that they have romanticized me, have fallen for who they think I am, instead of who I actually am."

Seungmin raises his voice, frustrated. "I haven't stopped loving you. I'm still here by your side. It's been months."

"You haven't stopped loving me or left me yet," Hyunjin emphasizes. He looks hopefully up at Seungmin, eyes wide. "Why don't we just forget this conversation happened, hmmm? Why don't we just stay as we are, keep doing what we did before?"

Maybe Seungmin is selfish, but he is stung by the rejection. Confused, too. He's nearly certain that Hyunjin has romantic feelings towards him. "I need some time," he tells Hyunjin. Seungmin does. Needs time to rid himself of these emotions, so that he can be there for Hyunjin as a friend. Without wanting more.

Hyunjin's face falls, crestfallen and hurt.

Seungmin sends Hyunjin a happy birthday text, but otherwise, they stop talking and spending time together after that.

They pass by each other eventually on campus, and Seungmin can feel Hyunjin's tangled emotions—there's the undercurrent of love, layered with frustration, disappointment, and hurt.

Seungmin doesn't know what to make of that.

That day, Seungmin gets a text from Hyunjin. "I wish you had stayed. I wish you had fought harder."

Seungmin is furious. It's a rare emotion for him, but maybe only Hyunjin has the power to make him feel this way, to get under his skin.

Seungmin knows, knows that Hyunjin can be contrary and self-destructive, but this, he thinks, is taking it to a new level.

He's quickly typed and sent the message before his brain has caught up with his body. Normally, Seungmin would wait for his temper to simmer down before replying, but today, he stares at his hastily written response. "That was out of line."

How was he supposed to know? Hyunjin had told him no, how was he to divine that Hyunjin's secret intentions were to put him through some kind of trial he hadn't signed up for and didn't even realize he was doing? It was manipulative, and it was cheap.

Seungmin feels used.

He blocks Hyunjin's number.

Seungmin throws himself into his studies and baseball. He knows it's not a totally healthy way of managing the situation, but he doesn't know what else to do.

He sees Hyunjin about a month later at the restaurant with a group of people he recognizes as instructors from Double Knot and surmises that Hyunjin must have gotten hired as a teacher there in the time since they've last talked.

Seungmin notes the order for the table, anger crackling just below the surface. What is Hyunjin doing here?

He becomes even more annoyed when he feels someone staring. When he turns to look at who it is, he locks eyes with Hyunjin, who looks pitiful and apologetic.

Hyunjin keeps stealing furtive glances at Seungmin throughout his meal, and Seungmin is relieved when the group finally leaves. Seungmin was at his wit's end, one more forlorn glance from Hyunjin and he would have thrown them out, which would have been difficult to explain to his grandmother.

He hangs up his apron and kisses his grandmother on the cheek. He gathers his things, puts on his backpack, and slips out the back door of the restaurant to find…

Hyunjin waiting for him nervously.

Seungmin feigns ignorance and starts to walk past Hyunjin, but Hyunjin grabs Seungmin's wrist. "Seungmin, please," he begs.

Seungmin wrenches his hand out of Hyunjin's grip. "I have nothing to say to you," voice harsh.

"Please just listen to me," Hyunjin replies, voice small. "You can decide what you want to do after that. Ignore me, walk away from me, I'll accept it. But please give me a chance? For old time's sake?"

Seungmin takes a deep breath. He doesn't really want to, but Seungmin is unfailingly kind, and he eventually grumbles, "Fine."

"I'm sorry," Hyunjin says immediately, the words tumbling out of his mouth. "You were right, I was out of line."

Hyunjin bites his lip. "I just wanted to feel wanted, secure. It was wrong of me. I should have just been honest."

"I just didn't want to lose you. Stupid of me, since I lost you anyway," Hyunjin smiles wryly. "I realize now that losing someone is just a risk I have to take when embarking on a relationship with someone. If I could go back in time I would take that risk for you, because I think you're worth it."

"It's too little, too late, isn't it?" Hyunjin asks, dejected.

"I don't know. I need space," Seungmin answers.

The next day when Seungmin works at the restaurant, he's lost in his thoughts.

He loves Hyunjin. Still, after everything.

But he's angry. He knows that Hyunjin can be contrary and self-destructive, but he doesn't like how manipulative Hyunjin was.

But Hyunjin apologized, seemed to have learned and grown from the situation.

So, should he forgive Hyunjin or not?

After his shift ends, his grandmother suddenly asks him, "Seungminnie, are you okay? You seemed pretty distracted today."

"I'm okay, halmeoni," Seungmin lies, thin lipped.

"Seungmin-ah," she replies, a warning tone in her voice.

Seungmin surrenders. "How do you know if you should forgive someone that you love?"

His grandmother hums thoughtfully. "If you love them, you forgive them. A relationship is a collection of moments of forgiving and being forgiven."

"It's how your grandfather and I have been together for so long," she muses. "At the end of the day, no matter how upset we got with each other, we returned to the commitment we made, the love we had for one another. It's like a touchstone. You don't have to forgive this person, of course—some slights may be too big for you to forgive. But if you want to keep this person in your life, see if you can find it in yourself to forgive them. To show them, and yourself, some kindness."

Seungmin heads home and ruminates about his grandmother's words while sitting on the floor of his bedroom. Is it really that simple? He just decides to forgive Hyunjin and that's that?

Seungmin supposes that if he does decide to forgive Hyunjin, he should just do so whole-heartedly, without concealed resentment or hypercriticism. To do anything else would be deceitful and toxic.

But should he even forgive Hyunjin in the first place?

What's stopping him from accepting Hyunjin's apology? Is it pride? Embarrassment? Judgment? Vengeance? Mistrust? All of the above?

He's always found a lot of comfort in books, and out of habit, he grabs one off of his bookshelf, aimlessly flipping through the pages when a quote catches his eye.

"I wouldn't forgive him when he asked me to. I meant to, after awhile—but I was sulky and angry and I wanted to punish him first. He never came back...But I always felt—rather sorry. I've always kind of wished I'd forgiven him when I had the chance."

Seungmin sits, head in the clouds, his index finger on the last word of the passage. There is only so much repenting one can do before one grows resentful. There is only so long Hyunjin will wait.

Forgiving and being forgiven. If Seungmin made a mistake, would Hyunjin forgive him?

Seungmin thinks he would.

At the end of the day, Seungmin reflects, is this something he wants to lose Hyunjin over?

He thinks about Hyunjin. Lovely, pure-hearted, generous Hyunjin. Flawed and human too. Just like Seungmin.

Seungmin thinks.

Seungmin anxiously taps his finger on the table in the coffee shop, waiting for his friend to arrive.

When he spots Hyunjin, he lets out a breath he didn't even realize he was holding.

Hyunjin sits down, and Seungmin can feel Hyunjin's nervous energy.

"Hey," Hyunjin starts, "you wanted to talk?"

Seungmin nods. Doesn't beat around the bush. "I just wanted to tell you that I forgive you."

Hyunjin's eyes widen with surprise. "Oh," he says softly. "Seungmin, that's a kindness I'm not sure I deserve."

"But," Seungmin insists, "I want you to be straightforward and honest with me from now on."

"Okay, I can do that," Hyunjin agrees. Seungmin can still sense that he's nervous.

"Seungmin," Hyunjin clears his throat and powers on, "will you let me love you? Despite my flaws?"

Seungmin doesn't hesitate. "Yes," Seungmin replies, a soft smile playing at his lips.

"It will take work, but I think you're worth it. I want to be yours, and I want you to be mine," Seungmin murmurs.

Hyunjin's face lights up brilliantly, and Seungmin feels like his heart is going to burst. Hyunjin's happiness is his own. And his happiness is Hyunjin's.