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Lan Zhan stood at the bus station with his mother and felt a heavy weight settle in his stomach. He nervously fiddled with the hem of his new school uniform.
Today was his first day of high school, in a new city no less. Lan Zhan and his mother moved to Wuhan after the death of his father. She wanted to give Lan Zhan a chance to see the city where she grew up.
He had been fine where he was though. While he didn’t have any friends in Shanghai, he and his classmates had an understanding. They didn’t interact with him and he didn’t interact with them. It was perfect, but it was easier than what he believed today would be.
“A-Zhan,” his mother cooed, grabbing his hands to stop his nervous fidgeting. “It’s going to be ok. Remember what the doctor told you. You will be alright, I promise.” Lan Zhan took three deep breaths before nodding. She smiled. “And who knows, maybe you’ll be able to make a friend?”
Lan Zhan tensed at the word but nodded nonetheless. Too soon, the bus that would take him to his school arrived. His mother kissed him on the forehead before he made his way onto the bus. Thankfully, there was a row of seats open, and Lan Zhan quickly claimed a spot. He pulled his backpack to his chest and clung to it, practicing his breathing exercises to help calm himself.
At the next stop, two boys got on, talking loudly and running down the aisle. A pretty boy with a high ponytail held together with a red scrunchie threw himself into the seat next to him. Lan Zhan froze.
“Hah! Looks like you have to stand Jiang Cheng!” the boy cheered. The other rolled his eyes before grumbling and going to stand where he could hold onto something.
The boy next to him settled into his seat before turning his gaze to Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan had to remind himself to breathe.
“Hey, you go to the same high school as me!” he exclaimed.
Lan Zhan peeked at the other boy. Indeed, they were wearing the same uniform, though his was much more wrinkled. He tried to give the other an affirmation, but suddenly, his throat felt tight, as if someone had taken a hold of it, refusing to let him speak. He ended up nodding instead.
The boy gave him a brilliant smile, one that made Lan Zhan nervous and calm all at once. “I’m Wei Ying. What’s your name?”
Oh god. This was the part Lan Zhan hated the most. He hated meeting new people. What if they judged him? What if they made fun of him? What if they got to know him and found him dreadfully boring? What if, what if, what if?
He began to play with a squishy bunny keychain on his backpack that his brother gave him for situations like this. He felt his breathing become heavy, and his eyesight blur.
Perhaps Wei Ying noticed, as he said, “Well, whatever your name is, I hope we end up in the same class!” With that, he grabbed some headphones out of his bag and put them in his ear before playing some music at an ungodly volume.
Lan Zhan focused on the muffled lyrics of the music and calmed his breathing. He closed his eyes and waited for their arrival at school.
---
Lan Zhan stepped off the bus and froze. In front of him stood the gate to his new school, along with hundreds of kids. Somehow, he had to make his way through the sea of people and into the school, where he needed to find the office. The idea of doing that caused panic to take hold of him.
That was until a hand rested gently on his shoulder. Usually, he wouldn’t like someone touching him, but at that moment, it felt grounding. Lan Zhan turned to see Wei Ying smiling at him.
“Where to?”
Lan Zhan gulped. It took a few tries to get his voice to work, but eventually, he managed to say, “office,” in a quiet voice.
“Perfect. Follow me!”
Wei Ying set off and Lan Zhan followed. It worked, at first, until he noticed people’s wandering eyes. He stopped and stared at the ground. Suddenly, a hand came into view, holding onto the hem of his shirt. He looked up and saw a kind smile.
“I’ll pull you along. You can look at the ground if that makes you feel better.”
Lan Zhan felt like crying. Instead, he nodded and allowed Wei Ying to pull him to the office. After they arrived, Wei Ying left with a smile and a wave.
Lan Zhan awkwardly sat in a chair and waited for a guidance counselor to retrieve him. After 10 minutes, one came and they made their way to the classroom. Lan Zhan followed the counselor into the class and was introduced to his teacher. Soon after, the bell rang and the counselor left him alone with a room full of strangers.
“Alright students! That was the bell. Please take your seats,” the teacher said. The students did as they were told and the room fell silent. Lan Zhan stood at the front of the class, unsure of what to do. He felt the panic begin to set in. “We have a new student joining us this year. Lan Zhan, will you introduce yourself?”
This was it, the moment he had been dreading. He remembered seeing kids at his old school having to introduce themselves and not envying it for a second. The idea of having to stand up there, everyone's eyes on him, judging him, scrutinizing him, sounded like hell on earth. And now, he was living it.
“Lan Zhan?” the teacher prompted.
Oh, he had been quiet for too long. He opened his mouth and tried to speak, but no words came forth. Instead, it felt like his throat was closing. His breathing became heavy, his chest constricting tightly. He was panicking, and he was sure how to stop. Tears started to sting the corners of his eyes. His vision became blurry. He wasn’t sure what to do, so he did the only thing that felt safe. He turned towards the door and ran as fast as he could. He thought he heard someone shouting his name, but he didn’t look back, instead running into the bathroom and into a stall. He collapsed to the ground as his breath became labored. It hurt, everything hurt.
“Lan Zhan!” someone cried. He looked up to see Wei Ying crouching next to him, looking worried. He wanted to assure him that he was ok, but he couldn’t. He was well into the middle of the panic attack right then.
Wei Ying seemed to understand. “It’s ok Lan Zhan, I've got you.” He placed his hands on Lan Zhan’s arms. “I want you to look at me, ok?” Lan Zhan does. “I’m going to ask you some questions, and I want you to answer them as best you can. Can you do that?” Lan Zhan nodded. Hearing Wei Ying’s voice was helpful. It was a nice voice, soft and sweet. “Lan Zhan, what are five things you can see?”
What? Five things he can see? He looked around. “The toilet, the stall, a window, a light, and you,” Lan Zhan listed, his voice breathless.
“Good Lan Zhan. What are four things you can touch?”
Lan Zhan felt around. “The tile, the wall, the stall, and you.”
Wei Ying smiled at him. “You’re doing so well. What are three things you can hear?”
“My breath, birds, and you.”
Wei Ying chuckled. “Good. What are two things you can smell?”
This one stumped him for a second, but he tried his hardest. “Sandalwood and lotuses.”
Wei Ying blushed but nodded. “One more. What’s one thing you can taste?”
Lan Zhan shook his head. “I don’t know.”
Wei Ying smiled. “That’s ok. You’re not having a panic attack anymore anyways.”
He wasn’t, was he. Lan Zhan’s eyes went wide. Usually, it wasn’t this easy to come back from a panic attack, even with his mother. How did Wei Ying do it so effortlessly?
Wei Ying seemed to sense his confusion. “I used to get them when I was little. A doctor taught me this technique and I’ve been using it ever since.”
“Thank you,” Lan Zhan choked out.
“You’re welcome. How are you feeling?”
“Better.”
“Do you think you’re ready to head back to class?”
That caused Lan Zhan to feel panicky again. He never wanted to step foot in that classroom again, not after what he did. Lan Zhan shook his head.
“Alright,” Wei Ying replied, not judging him in the slightest. Lan Zhan had never been more grateful to another person. “Let’s sit here a bit longer until you’re ready and then I’ll take you to the office, ok?”
Lan Zhan nodded. The two sat in comfortable silence, leaning against the wall in the stall, their shoulders flushed against one another. Usually, Lan Zhan would want to be as far away as possible from anyone when he was panicking, but the heat radiating off of Wei Ying was comforting.
“Won’t you get in trouble?” Lan Zhan asked after a while.
Wei Ying shrugged. “Nah. The teacher knows I went after you. Don’t worry though. I won’t tell anyone you had a panic attack. I’ll just say you got nervous and didn’t feel good.”
Lan Zhan sighed in relief. The two sat in silence until Lan Zhan felt good enough to go to the office and call his mother to come to pick him up.
---
School wasn’t the only new thing Lan Zhan had to find. He also had to find a new therapist. He sat across from a man and fidgeted. He hated finding new doctors. He hated having to tell them all the ways he was different.
He looked up and the man smiled kindly at him. At least he seemed nice.
“Lan Zhan, is it?”
“Mn.”
“My name is Xiao Xingchen. It’s nice to meet you.”
Lan Zhan didn’t know how to answer, so he just nodded.
“Why are you visiting me today?”
Lan Zhan gulped. There it is. “I have social anxiety and panic disorder.”
“I see. And how long have you had these?”
“Since I was a child.”
“And you’ve been seeing another therapist about this before moving here?”
“Yes.”
Xiao Xingchen smiled at him. “Thank you for telling me. I’m sure it’s not easy for you to share that with new people, so I appreciate you trusting me with that information.”
Oh. He hadn’t heard someone validate him like that before. Lan Zhan felt himself relax a little. Xiao Xingchen’s smile widened at the sight.
“Now, Lan Zhan, I don’t want to repeat things that have been said to you before. I want us to try things that work for you. Can you tell me things that you’ve done before that you like or have worked?”
Lan Zhan listed things that his previous therapist told him that had worked. They weren’t major, but they were something. Xiao Xingchen made note of them and nodded.
“When was the last time you experienced a panic attack?” Xiao Xingchen asked.
Lan Zhan fidgeted. “Last week on the first day of school.”
Xiao Xingchen smiled reassuringly. “Can you tell me what happened?”
Lan Zhan told him everything, what set it off and how Wei Ying had helped him calm down. Xiao Xingchen listened attentively.
“You mentioned that making friends in the past hadn’t worked, but it sounds like this Wei Ying could be a potential friend for you.”
Lan Zhan shook his head. “I don’t like making friends.”
“May I ask why?”
Lan Zhan hesitated for a second, before saying, “I’m afraid they will find me boring one day or make fun of me or judge me.”
Xiao Xingchen nodded. “I see. You’re afraid of being known and being rejected after the fact.” Lan Zhan nodded. He was glad he understood. “But, didn’t Wei Ying see you at a very vulnerable moment and didn’t judge you?”
Lan Zhan froze. He hadn’t thought about that. He was right though. Wei Ying had seen him be vulnerable. He had watched him have a panic attack, and yet he didn’t judge him or laugh at him. Instead, he sat next to him and helped him through it.
“I think maybe it’s worth giving this friendship a shot,” Xiao Xingchen added after his prolonged silence.
Lan Zhan nodded.
After his appointment, Lan Zhan made the trek back to his home. He passed a fruit vendor on his way and noticed some delicious-looking loquats. And stopped and bought some, thinking they would make a perfect thank you gift for Wei Ying.
---
Lan Zhan searched for Wei Ying the following day. In his hands was a paper bag full of loquats.
He found Wei Ying sitting in the classroom with some friends, the classroom otherwise empty. Wei Ying was smiling and talking animatedly, a ray of sunshine in the otherwise dull room.
Lan Zhan took a few deep breaths before walking over. When he arrived at their desks, the conversation stopped. All eyes turned to stare at him. He tried his best not to panic.
“Lan Zhan!” Wei Ying said excitedly. “What’s up? I don’t usually see you this early.”
It’s true. Lan Zhan usually found a secluded place outside the building to read until the final warning bell rang, at which time he would make his way to the classroom. But not today though. He held up the paper bag in front of Wei Ying. “For Wei Ying, as a thank you.”
Wei Ying beamed and took the bag. He looked inside and gasped excitedly. He pulled out a loquat to show his friends before biting into it.
“Mmm, yummy! Thanks, Lan Zhan! Are you busy?” Lan Zhan shook his head. Wei Ying patted a chair next to him. “Sit with us then!”
He hesitated for a moment. He had no problem sitting with Wei Ying, but he didn’t want to make his friends uncomfortable. He looked to the others, who smiled reassuringly. He thought of how proud Xiao Xingchen and his brother would be to hear that he made not one, but three friends. He nodded and took a seat.
Wei Ying’s smile got impossibly wider as he introduced him to the group. They exchanged greetings and the conversation started up again. Lan Zhan didn’t have much to add, but from time to time Wei Ying would ask him a yes or no question, and he’d shake his head appropriately.
Eventually, more students made their way into the classroom and the group dispersed. Wei Ying invited him to eat lunch with them, which Lan Zhan agreed to, and the bell rang, marking the start of class.
---
Lan Zhan picked up the phone after the second ring. It was his brother calling. Every since he left for university, he rang every Thursday evening he rang to see how Wangji was doing. Lan Huan had left right after their father died, and Lan Zhan knew he felt guilty leaving them behind. So he tried to keep in contact as often as possible.
“A-Zhan, how are you?” Lan Huan asked as soon as he picked up.
“I am well brother.”
“I’m glad. Anything new to report?”
Lan Zhan contemplated for a second, before saying, “I have made a friend at school.”
Lan Huan was silent for a minute. Lan Zhan didn’t blame him. He hadn’t made a friend in years, not since their neighbor Mianmian in their old neighborhood. That was when he was five.
But now, there was Wei Ying. They had been hanging out at school for almost a month now, and everything was going really well. Wei Ying was kind and seemed to understand Lan Zhan in a way no one else had before. He felt comfortable around Wei Ying, even starting to hold (albeit short) conversations with him.
“A-Zhan, that’s wonderful! I am so glad to hear. I can’t wait to meet him someday.”
“Mn. Brother will like him.”
“I’m sure I will. What do the two of you do together?”
Lan Zhan thought. “We meet at school and have lunch together.”
“Has he been to the house yet?”
“No.”
“You should invite him! You know mother would love to meet him.”
Lan Zhan bit his lip. He feels a bit sick to his stomach. He knows it’s the anxiety. “I...am not so sure.”
“A-Zhan, I’m sure Wei Ying will be excited at the idea. I’m sure he won’t judge you.”
Lan Zhan took a deep breath. “You are a right brother. I will ask him.”
The two continued their conversation until Lan Huan has to hand up. They said their goodbyes and Lan Zhan goes about his evening, a mixture of anxiousness and excitement bubbling in his stomach.
The following day at school, Lan Zhan sat next to Wei Ying before class began and invited him to his house. Just as his brother said, Wei Ying was ecstatic.
After school finished, the pair get onto the bus that led to Lan Zhan’s house. When they arrived, Lan Zhan’s mother was there with some shaobing.
“A-Zhan, you’re home! Who is this?”
Lan Zhan fidgeted. He didn’t want this to be a big deal. Wei Ying placed a reassuring hand on his back and smiled. “My name is Wei Ying. I’m Lan Zhan’s friend. It’s nice to meet you!”
Lan Zhan’s mother gasped. “A friend? How wonderful! Please, take a seat and eat.”
As soon as they do, Lan Zhan’s mother started to interrogate Wei Ying. Wei Ying took it in stride, answering all of her questions with that brilliant smile of his.
“I’m glad Lan Zhan has such a wonderful friend. It’s so rare for him to bring one home.”
“Mother,” Lan Zhan hissed, his cheeks turning red.
“What?”
Lan Zhan ignored her, standing and grabbing Wei Ying’s wrist so he could bring them to his room.
Wei Ying chuckled as he closed the door soundly. “Lan Zhan, with the way she’s acting, I would have thought that I was the first friend you brought home.”
Lan Zhan froze. Was Wei Ying going to judge him? He was going to judge him, wasn’t he?
“Does that make me weird?” he whispered, bearing his heart just a little.
Wei Ying’s eyes widened. He rushed to Lan Zhan’s side, taking his hands in his. “No! Not at all. In fact, it makes me feel very special. I am honored that you chose me to be your friend, Lan Zhan.”
Lan Zhan felt a weight being lifted off of his chest. Tears started to sting his eyes. He felt freer than he had ever felt. For once, he felt like it was ok to be himself.
He sat on the bed, pulling Wei Ying to sit down next to him. “I have social anxiety,” Lan Zhan began to explain. “I’ve had it ever since I was a child. I never liked being around others. I only had one friend at my old home.”
“That must be tough,” Wei Ying said gently.
Lan Zhan nodded. “I feel...I feel like people are judging me all the time. I feel that I often say the wrong thing, or that I’m weird, and that people will hate me for it. That’s why I had the panic attack at school.”
Lan Zhan felt his breath become a bit quick. Wei Ying must have noticed as well, as he started to rub soothing circles on Lan Zhan’s back. Eventually, Lan Zhan calmed down.
“I don’t know much about social anxiety, but I know a lot about panic attacks,” Wei Ying said.
“You do?”
“Yup. I’m not sure if you know, but I’m adopted. My parents died in a car accident. It was stormy, and they left to go to a party. I guess their car hydroplaned. After that, the Jiang’s took me in. I used to have a panic attack any time they would leave though. I was always afraid they wouldn’t come back, and I'd get pretty worked up about it. I’m better now, but it was pretty tough for a while. Panic attacks are pretty scary.”
“Yes, they are,” Lan Zhan replied. “Thank you for telling me. And thank you for listening and not judging.”
“I’d never judge you, Lan Zhan. So what if you have social anxiety. You’re still the best person I know.”
Lan Zhan returned Wei Ying’s sunny smile with a reserved one of his own.
“Is that a qugin I see?” Wei Ying said after a prolonged moment. “Lan Zhan, do you play?”
“Mn.”
“Can you play for me? Pretty pleeeeeeease?”
Usually, Lan Zhan would be too anxious to say yes, but this was Wei Ying. “Mn. Stay. I will play you something.”
Lan Zhan grabbed his qugin and positioned himself on the floor. He began to play a love song his father taught him, feeling at peace.
---
After their conversation at Lan Zhan’s house, their relationship became stronger. Lan Zhan still didn’t say much to Jiang Cheng or Nie Huaisang, but he does talk to Wei Ying more in public, meaning that the others hear him talk more. He felt secure in his friend group. That is, until one fateful day at lunch.
Lan Zhan was going to empty his lunch tray when he accidentally ran into Jin Zixun.
“What the hell!” the boy yelled. “What where you’re going! Look what you’ve done to me!”
The lunchroom fell silent, all eyes turning to look at the pair. Lan Zhan froze in fear, his stomach ready to hurl up the lunch he just ate.
His silence made Jin Zixun even angrier. “The least you could say is sorry!” Still, Lan Zhan stayed silent. Jin Zixun scoffed. “What a freak!”
Lan Zhan wanted to curl up into a ball and hide. Before he could do that, however, Wei Ying stands in front of him, yelling at the other boy. “Hey! Don’t talk to Lan Zhan like that you ass!”
“What, he is! He never says anything!”
“Listen here you-” he raised his fist, ready to punch the other. Lan Zhan is shaking out of his skin.
“Wei Ying,” he called quietly.
Wei Ying stopped and turned to look at Lan Zhan. That’s when he felt the first tear stream down his cheek. He was publicly crying. He know he looked pathetic right now, but he couldn’t stop them.
“Lan Zhan…” Wei Ying whispered, worried.
“What a baby!” Jin Zixun laughed. “Look at him cry! Do you want your mommy, baby?”
“Hey, knock it off!” Jiang Cheng yelled, coming to stand between Lan Zhan and Wei Ying.
“Ya! Lay off him! Quit being a bully,” Nie Huaisang seconded, joining the wall of boys.
Suddenly, there was a chorus of people sticking up for Lan Zhan. “He’s never done anything to you!” “He’s sweet. Why are you picking on him?” “Lan Zhan is nice! Quit bullying him!”
Jin Zixun’s face turned purple with anger. He huffed once before storming out of the cafeteria, muttering something about his father hearing about this. The crowd muttered more insults towards him before walking off as well.
“Is he ok?” Jiang Cheng asked Wei Ying.
“I’m going to take him to the nurse’s office. Will you let the teacher know?” Wei Ying said.
Their friends nod before Lan Zhan is being pulled out of the room, down the hallways, and into the nurse’s office.
“Hello?” Wei Ying called as they entered the room. Silence answered him. “Guess no one is here. Take a seat. I’ll grab some tissues.”
Lan Zhan does as he’s told. Wei Ying returns a minute later with a box of tissues. He grabbed one and blew his nose loudly into it.
“Whoa, didn’t know you could make a sound like that,” Wei Ying joked.
Lan Zhan, still too fragile after the incident, sniffled. Of course. He’s too quiet, too weird.
“Hey, no, Lan Zhan, I didn’t mean it like that,” Wei Ying cooed. He moved to sit on the bed beside him. In the privacy of the nurse’s office, Wei Ying wrapped him in a hug. “Don’t listen to that asshole, Lan Zhan. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. You’re not weird, you’re perfect.”
“How?” Lan Zhan asked, his voice watery.
“Well, for starters, you’re the best listener I know.” Lan Zhan scoffed, causing Wei Ying to laugh. “And you’re kind. Who else would put up with all my bullshit? And you’re really smart. Even without talking, you’re the top of our class. And…” Wei Ying’s face turned a pretty shade of red. Lan Zhan stared at it for a bit.
“And?” he prompted eventually.
“…and you’re really pretty.” Lan Zhan gasped. “Honestly, Lan Zhan, how did you get a face like that?”
Lan Zhan ignored his blushing face and thought for a second. “Genetics,” he said finally.
Wei Ying burst into laughter. “Did I also mention that you’re funny?”
Lan Zhan gave him a hesitant smile. Wei Ying reached forward and brushed the remaining tears away with his thumbs. Lan Zhan closed his eyes at the feeling of Wei Ying’s warm hands on his cheeks.
“He’s right though,” Lan Zhan said after a while. “I don’t talk to anyone. I can barely look anyone in the eyes, and I’m afraid of practically everyone. I’m nowhere near perfect.”
“Hey, look at me.” Lan Zhan does. He looks right into Wei Ying’s sparkling eyes. “You’re perfectly imperfect, Lan Zhan, and that’s why I like you.”
Lan Zhan froze. He’s not sure why, but the idea of Wei Ying liking him is overwhelming. It was as if his entire worldview was being flipped on its head. Before he knew it, his breathing had become heavy and he felt panic set in.
“Lan Zhan, breathe,” Wei Ying said, worried. “Remember the grounding techniques?” Wei Ying went through the questions.
He began to calm down by question three. By the time Wei Ying asked, “What’s one thing you can taste?” Lan Zhan’s head was clear. Quickly, before he could second guess himself, Lan Zhan leaned forward and kissed Wei Ying.
“Wei Ying,” he answered when he pulled away.
Wei Ying was frozen for a second, before grabbing Lan Zhan’s face and smashing their lips together. Lan Zhan wrapped his arms around Wei Ying’s neck and melted into the kiss.
---
The click of a camera pulled them out of their moment.
“Aww how precious,” Lan Zhan’s mother cooed, taking pictures of the two of them kissing.
Wei Ying blushed beautifully at her words. Lan Zhan couldn’t help but stare.
“It’s more disgusting if you ask me,” Jiang Cheng grumbled.
Wei Ying gasped. “That’s homophobic! We’re adorable. Right, Lan Zhan?”
Lan Zhan wrapped his arm tightly around Wei Ying’s waist. “Mn.”
“Ugh. I liked it better when you didn’t talk,” Jiang Cheng replied. Lan Zhan glared at him.
“Hey! Don’t talk to my boyfriend like that!” Wei Ying yelled.
“I’ll talk to him as I please!”
Before a fight could ensue, Nie Huaisang grabbed Jiang Cheng’s arm, winking at the couple as he did. “A-Cheng, my da-ge wants to take pictures. Let’s go!”
The pair watched as the boys left. Lan Huan’s sniffles caused the couple to look over. Wei Ying laughed at the sight of his blubbering brother.
“A-Zhan, your speech was wonderful!” Lan Huan cried.
Lan Zhan smiled. “Thank you, brother. I wouldn’t have been able to do it without Wei Ying.” He dropped a kiss on his cheek.
Wei Ying scoffed. “What are you talking about? You did all the work. All I did was listen and cry like an idiot in your room.”
Lan Zhan smiled at him. Wei Ying would never understand all that he did for Lan Zhan. He loved him and cared for him and constantly uplifted him, so much so that it helped Lan Zhan slowly but surely overcome some of his social anxiety. It was because of Wei Ying that he was able to stand on the stage at their high school graduation and deliver the graduation speech. That never would have been possible without Wei Ying, and Lan Zhan was eternally grateful.
He leaned down and kissed Wei Ying gently. When they pulled apart, he rested his forehead against Wei Ying’s. “You did so much more than that, Wei Ying.”
Wei Ying gave him his signature sunny smile in return.