Work Text:
“Jihoon-ah, your footwork is a mess. Didn’t we go over this 5 minutes ago? What the fuck is wrong with you,”
3.30 am
The cheerful and nasally voice that he came to love so much morphed into something more harsh, words sharp enough to slice his heart into two, the fury that leaked out from every part of him easily scalding the younger.
Jihoon wasn’t one to cry. In fact, he almost never cries.
But maybe he’d been holding it in for too long. Maybe the bandaid he’d been using to cover the wound on his bleeding heart was slowly wearing off. Maybe, it was just the stress from being hollered at for the tiniest of mistakes in front of all the other members by his own lover.
Whatever it was, he finally lost it.
It’s too early to fight Soonyoung-ah
The noise of shoes squeaking against the vinyl floor suddenly came to a halt, the reflection of his 11 other members in the mirror gaping in shock, some looking personally offended by the choreographer’s words.
Jihoon pulled his cap down to cover his watering, sleep-deprived eyes—the hot tears trickling down his cheeks, mixing with the beads of sweat that had been dripping down his face from the intense dance practice. His body shook, legs slowly losing their strength, begging for someone to keep him steady.
A sane Soonyoung would’ve wrapped the shaking boy in his arms and whisper soft apologies into his ear as he kissed the tears away, but this was a Soonyoung that was losing his mind over unfinished choreography, hate comments and a crippling self esteem.
So instead, he reached out with the intent of shutting Jihoon up, to tell him to suck it up, to remind him that whatever issues they had between them were a problem for another day.
Usually, it would work;
But today wasn’t one of those days where Jihoon would comply with his touch, obey him like an obedient puppy, and shut up in the hopes of salvaging their relationship.
Because even the most compliant have their breaking points.
“Don’t fucking touch me,” Jihoon cursed, eyes turning dark as he swatted the older’s hand away forcefully.
Soonyoung wasn’t stupid. Behind the younger’s eyes he could see the hurt, the exhaustion from dealing with someone going insane and Soonyoung hated how he was the cause of Jihoon’s pain and yet, instead of buckling at the knees and apologising for his irrational behaviour the past few weeks, he grabbed Jihoon’s hands, fingers pressing down on the veins in Jihoon’s wrist harshly, cutting off his blood circulation, making his palms go pale and numb.
“Stop being so pissy, you’re giving me such a hard time, I still need to finish the choreography for the last verse,” the blonde spat.
Jihoon cursed at the fact that Soonyoung had gotten so strong recently. Spending hours in the gym at the crack of dawn really made Jihoon no match for the amount of strength the latter was exerting on his wrists.
At first, he loved it, how Soonyoung’s lean form slowly turned more muscular and firm at the touch, how his stomach became perfectly chiseled, how he could carry Jihoon back home after spending hours in his studio with such ease. But now, as he struggles to tug himself away, he wants to shut down every gym in Seoul.
Please stop, you’re hurting me.
Soonyoung has never done anything to physically hurt him—always remembering to ask for his consent, never laying an ounce of violence on the younger. Whenever they had a fight, they would always talk it out, sympathising with each other and ending up cuddling on the couch after realising how petty their argument was.
These days though, they just ended up lashing out at each other, recording equipment flying across the room, turning Jihoon's studio upside down and concluding the argument by angrily latching onto each other’s bodies beneath the sheets. Jihoon gave in, thinking that whatever weird phase Soonyoung was going through would pass by in a blur. But days became weeks and weeks became a month, he didn’t know how much longer he could endure being so submissive.
And he’d hated constantly thinking about the main reason why Soonyoung had ended up that way—so forceful, so angry— he hated thinking about the possibility of Soonyoung leaving him just because the latter prioritised his career over him.
Jihoon snorted remembering his lover’s exact words,
“Honey, I need the next comeback to be perfect. There’s been so many hate comments lately and I need to show people that MY group is the best. Ji, I needa make sure that the choreo is out of this world!”
Oh hell does he regret answering the older with, “Woah slow down baby, don’t worry, I’ll make a really good album okay? Just,,, don’t believe in what people say and just trust me, trust us,”
If he knew that Soonyoung would care about the album more than him, he would have never made it.
The brunette continued to desperately pull away. He wanted to run, lock himself in his studio, watch all the vlogs they filmed while making tracks together, to remind himself that Soonyoung used to love him so much.
“Let go of him now,” the stern voice of their trustable leader bounced off the walls of the huge room.
The hold on his wrist never loosened, instead, tightening even more as if trying to claim his property.
Jihoon could feel all 11 eyes on him, hear the way they sighed and mumbled under their breaths about how they’d wanted to shake Soonyoung awake. He’d never been more grateful for having them back him up, having them there to give him hugs while he ranted for hours about how Soonyoung hadn’t been himself.
It was great having them but the way he depended on them for support just reminded him of how weak he’d gone for Soonyoung.
He felt so, so bad. He was supposed to be the group's driving force, the one who dictates the success of the group with the music he makes yet here he was crying over his broken relationship.
He was done. Done compromising for a man who only knew how to hurt him.
That’s it.
All the anger that Jihoon had been keeping suppressed for weeks finally burst out of his chest, he’d never thought that it would come to this but he needed to do it. He needed to reclaim his presence in this relationship, so he let his hand fly across Soonyoung's face, so hard, dribbles of saliva flew out of the latter’s mouth.
“I love you so, so much but now I'm really questioning whether you ever cared! Soonyoung-ah have you ever loved me?.” Jihoon yelled, moving closer to the man in front of him.
Jihoon never ever questioned Soonyoung’s love for him, it had been an unspoken fact that the both of them would love each other no matter what the circumstance, so, hearing those words come out from his mouth really caught the older off guard.
Who knew that it would just take one question to bring Soonyoung back to his senses.
How much of an idiot have I been this past month?
“Jihoon-ah, I’m sorry, please I lov-
The younger grabbed his reddening jaw, covering his mouth and squeezing it tight to shut Soonyoung up, nails digging painfully into his skin.
“Save it, I don’t need to hear empty words right now,” Jihoon seethed as he walked towards the door.
“Also, know your place, asshole. I make the music that you choreograph, you’re nothing without me.” he turned around to add on, shooting Soonyoung one last pained look and storming out of the studio.
Bye, Soonyoung.
The slam of the door sent the room reverberating, the loud bang shooting Soonyoung right in the pit of his heart.
The sight of Jihoon rushing out the door reminded him too much of himself—how he would angrily walk out of Jihoon’s studio after an argument despite the younger apologising for something he hadn’t done, begging him to stay.
He’d deserved it, karma’s a bitch, they say.
The nail marks on his cheeks stung as tears slid over them, the smarting of his cheeks from the slap, they were all payback for how much he’d been hurting Jihoon.
Jihoon-ah, I’ve always loved you
I’m so sorry
Please take me back
“Stop thinking out loud and go fix your relationship, idiot,” Seungkwan spat from his place next to the speakers.
“Get it together. You’re not the only one who wants to do well, we all do. So don’t dump your frustrations on your boyfriend for god sake, he’s been suffering so much because of you.” Seungcheol asserted, filled with so much disappointment. “I think it’s time to call it a day,”
The few tears that trickled down his face now turned into full fledged sobs as he fell to the floor, bringing his knees up to his chest that was heaving from the guilt. All he wanted to do was to kiss Jihoon senseless, tell him he’s sorry, tell him that he means the world to him, tell him that he’s willing to give up his career for the boy, but he’d gone too long not realising the consequences of his actions that he didn’t even know if he had the right to do it.
He needed to talk to someone, anyone, about how disappointed he was in himself for letting his insecurities get the better of him, for thinking that he was alone in this even when Jihoon and his 11 other brothers were struggling in his cutthroat industry as well, for never admitting to Jihoon that he was just scared that his mistakes would cost the whole group their success.
He was done feeling sorry for himself and hurting the ones who mean the most to him.
“Hyung, could you stay with me,” he pleaded, pools of tears puddling around him.
The leader let out a sigh of defeat as he made his way to sit next to the crying boy, “Of course Soonyoung, I'll always be here to talk alright?”
Seeing the both of them seated on the floor, 4 other members ran to their side and sat next to them, faces mixed with both anger and concern.
“We love you Soonyoung, stop thinking that you're alone in this and that you’re responsible for everything, you have us and Jihoon to bear your burdens with,” Seokmin let out as he gave the older a weak hug.
The rest of the members ran out of the studio. Soonyoung assumed that they were just so pissed with him that they wanted to get out of his sight but when he heard the words, ‘Jihoon’ and “comfort” he knew that they were going to make sure Jihoon wasn’t alone.
It isn’t everyday you find a group of people you could trust with your life and Soonyoung had just kept taking the strength of his relationship with his members for granted. If it took one tight slap to his face to realise this, Soonyoung wished Jihoon had lost his cool earlier.
Jihoon
Jihoon
Jihoon
“Now talk, before I slap you too,” Seokmin continued, clearly annoyed.
Soonyoung couldn't help but laugh to himself as he played with the silver band on his ring finger that he’d never taken off ever since he’d purchased it.
I’m so stupid.
~
“Stupid, Soonyoung.” he uttered as he punched the coffee machine in front of him, the black liquid spilling onto the side of the tray instead of flowing into the cup.
The tears that were previously rushing down his face, dried off, leaving his eyes red and puffy. He took out the now filled cup and stared at its contents—it’d been a long time since he’d drank an Americano, it became a habit for him to add a packet of sugar and a splash of milk ever since Soonyoung begged him to stop drowning himself in caffeine while proceeding to add half a jar of sugar into Jihoon’s cup of black coffee.
It was crazy how even the smallest of things could remind him of his golden boy.
“Jihoon-ah, are you okay?” voices cooed from behind as he felt comforting arms wrap around him, squeezing tight. It felt so much like home.
“Fuck Kwon Soonyoung man. He’s insane.” Jeonghan blurted as he stroked Jihoon’s brown locks.
The younger sank into the comforting arms surrounding him. He forgot when was the last time he felt so safe in someone’s arms.
Jihoon was never one to enjoy physical affection from anyone, save for a certain someone. He still could remember how 17 year old Soonyoung began chasing him, finding every opportunity to give him a tight squeeze, not so subtly trying to slip his fingers between the younger’s thinner ones. He hated it at first, pushing the overly affectionate boy away every time he got close to him, but after a while, he started enjoying it, heart leaping whenever he felt the older’s skin against his own.
I want him to hold me like that again.
The pain in his wrists just seared even more as he thought about being held by Soonyoung.
He clung onto his members, his throat tightening, head throbbing, feeling a thousand needles piercing deeper into his tender heart.
“I keep giving in because I know that he still loves me, but I'm seriously so tired of getting treated like,,, shit. I want him to hug me tight, kiss me slowly, love me like he means it, just like he used too. Why is his head so muddled up, caring so much about that smidgen of people who hate him, when I’m so obviously suffering, praying so hard for him to just come back to me?” Jihoon questioned, desperate for someone to provide him an answer.
The arms around his form tightened, hands patting the back of his head for reassurance.
“Sometimes people just don’t realise how much they hurt the people around them and Soonyoung needs to be put in his place, Jihoon-ah,” Chan spoke, “Trust us, we know how much the both of you love each other, but you can’t keep letting him hurt you.”
Jihoon didn’t know how long he stayed there, the coffee in his hands going cold and his body slowly losing its strength until he finally pulled away from his members, heaving a loud sigh.
“Thanks guys, i’ll go think alone for a bit, don’t worry too much, it’ll all get settled,” he spoke, voice shaking as if unsure of his words.
As per his wishes, they all left him, making sure to remind him to call them if anything happens again.
What would I have done without them?
Jihoon smiled to himself, maybe things would get better, only time would tell.
There was one thing he was sure of though and that was the fact that music always worked at healing his broken heart.
~
“Jihoon, the instrumental sounds too scratchy, it sucks,” he spat, voice direct and demanding.
“But, I've been working on it for the past 5 hours and consulted the other producers who’ve approved it, by the way. Is it so hard to talk to me nicely instead of barging in here and being a dick?” the producer retorted calmly.
On edge, the older yanked the chair Jihoon was sitting on, averting the latter’s eyes that were previously on the computer towards him.
“Well I'm sorry for voicing my shitty opinion,” Soonyoung blurted.
“I'm not disregarding your opinion, I'm just asking you to speak to me nicely. What’s wrong with you?” the younger replied, tone still calm despite the raise in Soonyoung’s voice.
Soonyoung, didn’t know what took over him, whether it was the lack of sleep or the anger he’d been feeling over all the hate comments, he decided to grab a pillow from the couch and hurled it against Jihoon’s prized figurines that were displayed on the cupboard next to him, making each one fall to the ground, an orange one shattering into pieces.
He was boiling with anger, feeling so frustrated at everything. He was acting on impulse at that point.
He could still remember Jihoon’s face, mouth agape at the shock of the piercing sound of glass hitting the floor, eyes slowly welling up as he grabbed another pillow throwing it into Soonyoung’s chest.
What were we doing?
He wanted to stop being a fool, stop hurting Jihoon but the anger just blinded him from seeing how much pain he inflicted on the boy. This time he hurled the pillow in his chest at the fluorescent ‘Woozi’s room’ sign hanging at the end of the room. He needed to release whatever tension he was feeling and it felt so good channelling his energy into breaking things despite the voices at the back of his head telling him to stop.
“Soonyoung, what’s wrong?” Jihoon exasperatedly shouted.
The blonde looked at Jihoon and stared blankly, proceeding to pull him up by the collar and crashing their lips together, teeth clinking at the impact, tongue sliding into Jihoon’s hot carven instantly, biting down on his bottom lip until it bled. The taste of blood mixed with Jihoon’s vanilla flavoured lip balm made him euphoric and numb to all the thoughts in his mind, drinking in all the soft moans escaping the younger boy’s lips, as he ran his hands all over Jihoon's body.
“Jihoon-ah, I don’t know what’s wrong,” he cries, as he roughly pushes Jihoon into the couch behind them.
“I’m fucking crazy,” Soonyoung screamed as he drived his fists into the wall next to him.
It’d been an hour since the members had left the practice room and Soonyoung just sat there, weeping over the memory of Jihoon carding fingers through his hair while whispering soft, “it’s okay, i’m here''s, the total opposite of Soonyoung’s own rough fingers that were tugging hard at his scalp.
He spent so much time and energy, dancing till his bones hurt, punishing himself for making a single mistake during their live shows by spending extra hours at the gym and replying snarky comebacks to nasty comments using his anonymous account online, that he’d failed to realise that Jihoon was there for him the whole time
How he would open the door of the practice room to find a bowl of his favourite noodles hanging on the handle, how he would wake up after passing out on the floor of the same room in a fresh pair of clothes, how the younger would kiss him softly after every schedule, whispering an, “I love you” that Soonyoung never returned back.
Why didn’t I say it back?
Soonyoung was so in love with him, could never imagine living a life without him and it was so fucked up that he made his boyfriend think that he wasn’t loved and appreciated just because he was caught up in unnecessary thought.
This was his last chance to undo all this wrongdoings, finally do something right and he prays that he wasn’t too late
“Fuck, Jihoon, I’m a fucking idiot, I’m so sorry, please don’t lose hope in me” he let out between tired breaths, as he sprinted to the room illuminated by purple neon lights—their sanctuary
~
Jihoon’s heart squeezed as he watched the way the body behind him hugged his small frame while pressing chaste kisses around his face.
“Soonyoung-ah, I'm trying to finish this song, stop it,” the voice coming out of the screen giggled .
“Everyone, this is my genius producer boyfriend, who’s working really hard on our album!” Soonyoung spoke to the camera, grabbing a chair next to Jihoon and placing his head onto the table, eyeing the latter with such adoration, eyes turning into small slits.
“Jihoon-ah, no matter what happens, i’ll always love you, okay?” Soonyoung cooed as he placed a hand at the back of the younger’s neck, bringing him in for a chaste kiss.
Fucking hell.
Jihoon thought he didn’t have any tears left to cry but the way the younger beady-eyed Soonyoung gently caressed his younger self, sweeping away the pastel pink strands of hair covering his eyes, kissing him softly, holding him like he meant the whole world to him;
He wailed, hand covering his mouth trying to quieten the loud sobs escaping his lips as he continued watching clip after clip,
It didn’t help that the glarey white light beaming out of the computers started straining his already heavy lidded eyes but seeing their relationship play out in front of him was too precious to ever look away.
When was the last time Soonyoung kissed him so innocently? When did their kisses turn rushed, filled with lust and pure desire?
When was the last time he smiled at me so brightly?
The two on the screen looked so youthful, so in love, filled with pure genuine happiness and he missed it so, so much.
Jihoon ended up throwing up in the bin at the end of the room, the acid burning the back of his throat.
On the floor around the bin were a bunch of crushed balls of paper littered around, probably from a month ago, product of all the lyrics he’d left on hold from being too preoccupied with everything else.
His shaking fingers picked up one of the balls and opened it.
What kind of a future
Jihoons arms fell to his sides, in defeat.
Maybe it was a sign to finally finish the song.
It was about a break up, about the uncertainty of the future when two individuals part ways. The company had requested a sad song from Jihoon, something more heart wrenching than his usual upbeat tracks but he’d had such a hard time trying to come up with lyrics for it. After all, he’d never experienced getting heart broken, until now.
He laughed hysterically to himself, tears still in his eyes, at how naive he was for thinking that their relationship would never come to a point where he’d be questioning Soonyoung’s love for him.
What perfect timing.
He strided to his computer, opening the instrumental that was already finished, only missing the lyrics and did what he was best at.
Whipping out his notebook and pen from their place in the drawer next to him, he started writing, feeling surprised at how easy the lyrics were flowing out.
“I’m so heartbroken,” he laughed between sobs.
With every line he wrote, he remembered moments with Soonyoung, love, anger, hate.
As if nothing happened
I told myself that this was all a dream
When i close my eyes and open them again
I wanted to wake up with relief
He recalled going to sleep with the space next to him cold and bare, missing the soft nothings that would usually be whispered into his ear as he fell into deep slumber.
So instead, he would force himself to shut his eyes, hoping that he’d wake up to arms encapsulating his smaller form and the sound of soft snores echoing through the room. But he doesn’t.
Our past that didn't line up
If i can go back in time
Rather than roughly, but warmly
Would I be able to let you go?
Soonyoung’s pained expression just before Jihoon slapped him was still fresh in his mind. Jihoon could see it in his eyes, how Soonyoung had felt bad for hurting Jihoon, how he still loved the younger despite everything. Jihoon knew Soonyoung better than the latter knew himself, he knew that whatever harsh words Soonyooung threw at him never meant anything. He almost wanted to hug Soonyoung again and ask him to speak about what’s on his mind, but how different would it have been, especially when he’d been asking Soonyoung to confide in him ever since he threw his first tantrum. How long would he be trapped in this unhealthy cycle of fight, cry and make up?
When we weren’t over
As i held to whatever was left
You let go of me as i refused
Although i don't want to see you, i miss you
Although i hate you, i miss you
I don't understand myself as well
Jihoon remembers how he would desperately hold onto Soonyoung’s arm as the latter buttoned his shirt up, to stop him from leaving after one of his many episodes where he would barge into the studio, eyes fully dilated.
“Please don’t go,” he cried, his eyes feeling wet at the tips.
But Soonyoung did, slipping his arm away from Jihoon’s tight hold, walking away from him.
“Soonyoung, please just talk to me.”
Jihoon found himself stumbling out of the couch, hair disheveled, on his knees latching onto the older’s leg, begging for him to stay as the tears flowed down his cheeks.
“Let go,” the older spat, as if a warning.
He wouldn’t, he couldn’t, he missed the old Soonyoung too much, letting go of him would make everything all too real, their broken relationship, his broken heart.
Despite his protests, Soonyoung yanked his leg away harshly, not looking back, slamming the door shut.
Just like that, he was gone.
The broken boy sank his knees deeper into the carpeted floor, body bare, with purple and red marks littered all over his neck and chest. He reached for the mini fridge, pulled out a bottle of grapefruit flavoured soju (Soonyoung’s favourite) and downed it, feeling his throat burn as the liquid heavily flowed down.
He wasn’t particularly fond of alcohol, especially because of how much of a lightweight he was. A bottle or two would get him light headed and overly clingy but Soonyoung would always be there to make sure he’d end up in bed just fine.
Now he didn’t care, getting a pulsing headache was a much better option than returning to an empty bed and facing the fact that maybe, Soonyoung didn’t care about him anymore.
He laid flat on the floor, skin glistening with sweat as he closed his eyes, hoping that he’d open them to see a familiar face next to him the next day.
Rather, he woke up to a blanket draped around his naked form and that was enough to make Jihoon smile and hope.
He despised how even after reassuring Soonyoung that he was there, always ready to talk and help fix his inner turmoil, his lover would just brush him off and run away.
As if fighting a losing battle, every time Jihoon pushes, Soonyoung pulls away.
Yet despite how tired and frustrated he felt, the ache from seeing Soonyoung so downcast was more painful than anything else he was feeling, so he gave in, letting Soonyoung project his emotions onto him. Seeing the slight smile on Soonyoung’s face every time Jihoon gently stroked his hair was enough to assure him that his boy was somewhere in there.
That's what love did to him.
Even though he was suffering, he’d gladly give up his face, his dignity, his everything to get Soonyoung to just stay and tell him that he loved him. Jihoon would let Soonyoung use him over and over, if it meant that the older would return to his senses and come back to him one day.
But how long could he keep hoping that Soonyoung would return to normal again?
This waiting
It’s not easy to endure
Our future that was forgotten at some point
And that i thought of it as nothing much, can only be seen as sad and futile
It’s not that I want to forget you
Jihoon would never forget his 22th birthday, that day would still play vividly in his mind.
“Jihoon-ah i’ve got a gift for you, close your eyes,” Soonyoung voiced as he walked into their shared room of their dorm.
Jihoon, who was watching an episode of his anime in bed, complied, shutting his eyes as he removed his earphones and placed his ipad on top of the nightstand. He felt the mattress dip and heard the ruffling of the sheets, his heart leaped at the thought of the latter giving him a present.
“Okay, open your eyes,”
Jihoon jumped at the sight.
A silver band, with the word “Soonyoung’s” engraved on the underside, placed in a red box, was displayed in front of him with a bouquet of his favourite flowers shoved into his chest .
“We can’t get married here but I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. So I guess, would you want to spend the rest of yours with me?” Soonyoung voiced, unsure, scratching the back of his head.
Jihoon wondered what he’d done to deserve Soonyoung, how lucky he’d been for crossing paths with him.
Out of 9 billion people on this earth, he’d really met the one.
He’d dreamt of it, devoting himself to the man in front of him until his last breath, and it was all happening right then, he couldn’t help but tear up.
“Of course I want to,”
The glowing smile that played on Soonyoung’s face was so bright and wide, Jihoon remembered to take a mental picture of it.
Soonyoung slid the band onto his ring finger, a similar one worn on his own, and interlaced their fingers, the moonlight reflecting off their shiny bands. Soonyoung leaned in and pressed their lips together, it was nothing rushed, just soft and sweet, full of emotion. Jihoon let go of their hands and slipped an arm behind Soonyoung’s neck, playing with the tiny hairs there and pulling him even closer. Soon, he was pushed deeper into the pillows behind him, with Soonyoung hovered above him. He felt so safe.
If that was what his future held, soft touches and love, Jihoon didn’t have anything to worry about anymore. He was happy with his soulmate and never wanted to let him go.
“Jihoon, i love you so much,”
“Me too,”
Now as he fiddled with the band on his ring finger, the one he’d never removed for the past 4 years, the one he’d always held close to his heart when times got hard, the one that reminded him of his future with Soonyoung, he had the urge to tear it off, hurl it against the wall, curse at Soonyoung for breaking him over and over again.
But he couldn’t.
Because he doesn't have the guts to lose the last remnant of their love, especially when he knows that Soonyoung’s identical band was still worn on his finger.
It was as if he was holding on to a glint of hope that this was all just a fever dream and everything would return back to normal, wishing that their future was still bright and all the promises they made weren’t flushed down the toilet.
We were happy about us
You, who isn't with me anymore
Although i don't want to see you i miss you
Although i hate you i miss you
I don't even understand myself as well
Repeating those lyrics just made him realize how weak he was for Soonyoung. How he imagined Soonyoung next to him even when he just wanted to run away from him. How his eyes were trained on his handphone hoping that Soonyoung would call him or even text him, knowing full well that he’d drop everything if he hears the sound of the notification pop up on this phone.
One more stanza was left to be written and he’d been so deep in thought that he hadn’t realised that tears had been streaming down his face throughout the whole lyric writing process. Somehow all the words he’d penned down all resonated and hit him straight in his heart.
He genuinely didn’t understand all the emotions he was feeling but there was one thing that was for sure, he just really fucking wanted his stupid Kwon Soonyoung back.
He’s scared of what he would become without Soonyoung. He forgot how he existed before the older turned his life upside down. He’d forgotten what it was like not knowing what love felt like.
How were things going to be like in the future when the future you planned out for yourself was suddenly on the verge of disappearing?
He picked up his pen ready to write the last stanza.
What kind of a future is to come before us?
Even if the heavens don't give us an answer
Until the end, i'm too stupid
So i don't know the answer
Jihoon didn’t know the answer and even if he tried searching for one, somehow he’d always be led back to Soonyoung. Maybe he should just leave it up to the universe to decide his fate.
~
Out of breath, his legs gave way when he saw the purple lights spill out from the bottom of the door. Heaving a sigh of relief, he ran his fingers through his sweat drenched hair.
Jihoon is in there.
He pressed down on the door handle but froze when he heard his lover belting out notes, singing between sobs, soft piano instrumental playing in the background.
The words he was singing could be heard loud and clear, Soonyoung knew instantly that the song was about their relationship. The guilt that was gnawing at his heart sped up after hearing how broken Jihoon sounded while admitting that he still missed Soonyoung.
I miss you too
Soonyoung leaned his head against the door, hand still on the door knob, savouring Jihoon’s voice. They didn’t call Jihoon a genius for nothing, with the way his voice reached the pit of Soonyoung’s soul, making him reminisce on all the promises they made with each other.
Though they were made out of spite, it made him look forward to his lifetime with Jihoon.
(“Babe, let’s get a house in the countryside, so I can become a farmer!”
“Soonyoung no, you’d get too excited and step on all the crops,”
“But we can have a music studio in the house,”
“Okay, maybe i’ll think about it,”)
They planned so many things and Soonyoung wasn’t going to let his selfishness ruin everything.
So, as Jihoon sang the last stanza,
What kind of a future is to come before us?
He barged in.
~
The door slammed open so hard the walls shook, sending shivers down Jihoon’s spine as he spun his chair towards the door. Everything happened in such a blur that he needed to take a second or two to register the hands that pulled him out his seat and the lips that were pressed against his own.
Not again
Jihoon shoved the body in front of him, breaking the kiss but the boy’s arms that were wrapped around him stayed there and never let go.
“If you’re here to use me again, I'm not letting you. I’m tired of this Soonyoung,”
Soonyoung’s heart wrenched hearing how defeated Jihoon sounded, knowing full well that he was the very cause of his lover sounding like that.
He squeezed Jihoon tighter, with one hand at the back of Jihoon’s head roughly bringing their foreheads together, closing any sort of distance between each other as he shook his head.
“Jihoon-ah, you know that I can never imagine a future without you, so please, please, let me come back to you,”
What?
The very words Jihoon had been wanting to hear all month.
come back to me?
Jihoon’s heartbeat mirrored the way Soonyoung’s chest heaved up and down at an erratic pace, soft pants leaving his lips from how fast he ran, breath tickling his nose. Seeing Soonyoung up close, so raw and full of emotion, Jihoon had to bat his gaze away, knowing full well that the moment he looked Soonyoung square in the eye, he’d drown in those light brown orbs and eventually suffocate from his natural instinct to give in and forgive Soonyoung for everything he did wrong.
But he couldn’t do that, oh not again. This time he had to listen to his head for once.
“What makes you think that I want you back after all the things you’ve done to me?” Jihoon replied, indifferent, trying to sound like he’d meant it when, deep down he knew that those were just empty words trying to mask his weak, weak heart.
There would never be a life where I wouldn't want you, Kwon Soonyoung.
Jihoon was expecting Soonyoung to throw a fit again, he’d gotten so used to the latter throwing knives at him that he’d become accustomed to the feeling of getting stabbed countless times, but it never came. Instead, he felt thick fingers stroke his cheekbones, plump lips placing soft pecks to his eyes, kissing away the tears that were slipping out.
Soonyoung held him with such care and touched him with just the right amount of pressure and it broke down every wall Jihoon was trying to build to protect his heart.
It just felt too much like home, like cuddling on the couch drinking hot chocolate as the rain poured outside, listening to Jihoon’s new track that they wrote together.
Jihoon couldn’t help but lean in to his touches.
“You love me too much to not want me back, I know that. The day I slid this ring onto your finger, we made a promise didn’t we? That we’d stay together to matter how ugly things get.” Soonyoung whispered as he played with the ring on Jihoon’s finger.
“Baby, I want you to know that, my career, my fame, my life, everything, doesn’t fucking matter without you by my side. Don’t ever think that I stopped loving you, because I never will. You may hate me, despise me, kick me out of your life, but my heart belongs to you Lee Jihoon. In this life and even the next, it would always be yours to keep,”
Soonyoung pulled the smaller boy closer to his chest and looked him straight in the eye, unwavered, making Jihoon feel butterflies in his stomach at the intensity radiating from the former’s tiny slits.
They weren’t intimidating like what they’d been exuding the past month, instead it was the same passionate gaze Soonyoung puts on just before he goes on stage, the gaze he sports when he knows what he wants and is ready to give it his all.
“But Ji, I took time to reflect on my actions and god, I really fucked up badly and you have every right to not want me again. I can promise you that I'll never touch you or hurt you the way I did, but nothing can excuse me for taking advantage of you like that.”
After years of dating, Jihoon could recognise Soonyoung's genuinity in a heartbeat. They practically knew each other from the inside out, it really wasn’t hard to decipher between Soonyoung’s fake apologies (that were saved for when the company CEO reprimands him for tainting his image on variety shows) and his sincere ones like he was uttering now.
That was all Jihoon needed to let everything go. No matter how hard Jihoon could try, he’d always be wrapped around Soonyoung’s fingers. If it meant getting to hear that Soonyoung would willingly give up everything for him, Jihoon would gladly give up everything too.
Goddamn, I’m so in love with you.
His boy was right in front of him, the real one, the honest and devastatingly whipped one and Jihoon couldn’t contain the myriad of emotions bouncing in his heart.
So, this time Jihoon was the one to crash their lips together, slotting their lips perfectly against each other, missing the feeling of Soonyoung’s full lips latched onto his softly—just pure longing and yearning for one another.
It felt too familiar with the way he rested his arms on Soonyoung shoulders, leaving no space in between them, while the latter cradled him by the waist.
This felt exactly like how they’d always kissed— slow, the taste of blood free from his lip, the hands on his waist stroking small patterns into his skin rather than harsh gropes.
It reminded him of all the times they’d sneakily disappear from practice just to suck each other’s faces off, basking in the scent of Jihoon’s lavender scented diffuser, tasting the saltiness from the sweat trickling down their faces, intention to just hold each other close.
“You fucker, I hope you feel forever guilty for how you’d treated me. You’re lucky I love you, if not I would have beaten you up so bad, you’d never be able to dance again,” Jihoon scoffed between kisses.
Soonyoung just smiled as he placed a last loud smooch onto Jihoon’s lips.
“I mean, you’ve done that before,” he replied, winking at the culprit, making them both burst out into giggles as they remembered the one time Soonyoung smashed Jihoon’s face into his birthday cake on vlive, earning him a hard punch to his abdomen that left him sitting at the corner of the practice room curling at the pain in his stomach for a week.
“It was live, of course you deserved it,” Jihoon laughed, pressing their foreheads together again.
They just stayed like that, holding each other, hues of purple bouncing off their faces, heavy breaths amplified by the exceptional reverb of the studio.
Soonyoung was noisy—signing up for the ‘Soonyoung’ package meant having to deal with an enthusiastic tiger that spewed out nonsense every 5 minutes—and Jihoon hopelessly adored that side of him.
But he loved this side of him too—quiet, letting Jihoon take the lead, appreciating the silence, a juxtaposition to how loud they were a few hours earlier.
Jihoon couldn’t help but smile at how full his heart was, every worry out the window as the warmth between them reassured him that everything was going to be okay.
He detached slightly from their embrace and reached behind him to grab his phone on the table, fingers moving swiftly at the screen, causing Soonyoung to raise an eyebrow.
Soon, the sound of a sweet guitar accompanied by familiar voices played through the speakers, making the air go still, as if time was being stopped and it was just the two of them in this world existing. Jihoon returned back into Soonyoung’s arms as he nuzzled into his neck, intoxicated by how much Soonyoung smelled like home.
Smile flower
It was Soonyoung’s favourite song, the one he’d introduce to every stranger on the street, labelling it as the “best song of the century by the genius producer Woozi,”, the one they’d dance to like how they did now, but instead in the comfort of their home after returning from a hectic day of back to back schedules.
Soonyoung just sighed as he rested his head against Jihoon’s, swaying side to side, squeezing Jihoon so tight as if he’d slip out of his fingers.
He couldn’t lose this, not when he had the whole world right in his arms. There would be no dance without the music, no Hoshi without a Woozi, no Soonyoung without a Jihoon, it just didn’t feel right when one was without the other.
“You’re not breaking up with me right?” Soonyoung whispered, voice shaky, needing that last bit of reassurance.
Jihoon shot his head over from the older’s shoulder, face scrunching up, trying to suppress a laugh but to no avail.
“Idiot, you know I can’t fucking live without you too so, of course not. The only thing that’ll be breaking is probably your knees,”
Soonyoung genuinely shivered in fear.
“The guys are super pissed with you, as they should be. And, you’ll probably have to write a 10 page reflection as well,” Jihoon giggled as he stuck his tongue out.
Soonyoung let go of Jihoon, holding his hand instead as he shook his head and pouted, saying something along the lines of, “I can take getting hit, but reflections require me to use my brain,” which earned him a light shove from Jihoon who rolled his eyes while flinging him onto the couch. Soonyoung continues with “but I'll do it because I want to take responsibility for my actions,” mid fall, that made Jihoon’s heart swell as he too fell onto the couch.
As he draped the thick blanket over the both of them and positioned himself snug against Soonyoung’s chest, it was like everything had been put back into place. The comforting hand that was rubbing his back softly, the way their legs naturally intertwined and how Soonyoung gaze never left his face for a second, Jihoon missed this so much.
Finally, the cloudiness in Jihoon’s head dissipated as he felt Soonyoung’s smooth skin against his fingertips.
“Goodnight idiot, you better not leave tomorrow”
“Of course baby, I’d never leave your side ever again,”
Finally, he didn’t need to worry about waking up to an empty bed.
“Ji, if I ever hurt you like that again, don’t go easy on me. Don’t give me chances, alright? Put me in my place, you have every right to. The last thing I want is for you to suffer because of my ignorance,”
Finally, it didn’t feel like his bright future with his lover was fading to dust.
“Also baby, I love you so so much,”
Finally, he heard an ‘i love you’ after waiting so long.
“I know Young, love you too,”
Finally, the universe gave him the answer by placing it right in his arms.
“Goodnight baby, sweet dreams,”
Finally, Soonyoung came back to him.