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Killua was in hell. No, not the kind he had expected to eventually be in.
It was worse.
How long had it been since that night Killua bit his lip and dragged a pencil against paper, gripping it hard in his numb fingers? As the graphite scratched itself against the rough note, he'd heard the voices of hunters coming closer.
He hadn't had the composure to hold back tears as he wrote his dreadful message:
Recent incident. Too risky to come back soon. Expect a long time.
Yours, Killua
And the letters were tear-stained.
The truth was he knew exactly how long it had been since he wrote that note and sent it off, and he knew exactly how long it had been since he'd last seen Gon. Three months. Killua couldn't stop thinking about the sight of the hawk's tail feathers disappearing into the night, carrying the moon on its wings and a paper in its talons.
Before all of that, things had been going smoothly. With Alluka, Killua had visited Gon on Whale Island a month after their parting, and it was then that they put themselves in a tough spot: admitted feelings. Shortly after, he brought Alluka back to a village on the way to a popular tourist spot. It was that night that he was surrounded after gathering his thoughts under a bright moon. He'd easily knocked them unconscious in rather short time of course, but one of them managed to slip a few words in before he fell.
"Everywhere you've been, we're watching."
And so Whale Island was not safe for Alluka. Though he was taking a risk, Killua had to tell Gon somehow, because his promise had stated otherwise. That night, he sent out the letter.
And so here was present Killua, three months after that frightening debacle. He stood outside the door of his enemy. All the thoughts of him abandoning Gon, of that Whale Island visit, of all the time he'd spent traveling with Gon, it was all running through his head in that moment.
He kicked down the door. Your eyes are gone! He thought.
Killua didn't even hesitate with his fingers to the enemy's throat. He didn't even hold them there for a lingering second. And it was done. A ruthless but necessary kill.
And it was true. The pair of eyes keeping Killua from visiting Gon really was dead. Killua smiled.
I'll see you soon, Gon...
He walked calmly beneath the stars back to Alluka.
-
Killua had to admit that it wasn't just Alluka's safety that had fueled his cold rage. The thought of a nen-less Gon being watched by a dangerous figure sparked Killua's protective instincts.
He sighed as he juggled his thoughts on his night walk back. Yes, it was easy to tell; Gon was run dry of nen. His reckless pact left him as such. During Killua's visit three months ago, neither of them brought up the subject, mostly because they were occupied with their strange thoughts about each other. That was another thing that Killua could not stop thinking about.
For three months he was utterly preoccupied with the knowledge that Gon had some sort of feelings back for him. His mind often wandered into the questions and hypotheticals brought by such a thing, and when he caught himself in too deep, he stammered to himself and burned bright red, even when he was alone. Killua utterly embarrassed himself.
It was also torture not to see Gon at all while he had those thoughts- whatever, no need to get into it now, Killua thought, pushing the depressive memories away. I can finally return to you now.
After a rather long journey under the stars that night on foot, Killua finally saw the lights of the humble village where Alluka now was in the distance.
-
Alluka gasped with delight, giggling as the cool mist kissed her face. A sheet of sunlight illuminated her smile.
Killua smiled with Alluka as they both leaned over the deck of the vessel taking them back to Whale Island. He hadn't seen her as excited or happy for a very long time, and it was touching his heart more than he had expected. Though it wasn't apparent on the outside, he too was inwardly buzzing with excitement. His chest swelled immensely when he imagined what could happen when he stepped foot on that island again.
The home of his home.
Everything was a breeze; the sail was going smoothly, and the green lump in the distance grew bigger, and closer, and bigger... and then a halt, a dock. Seagulls stirred up the otherwise still air around them.
Killua's world was filled with sunlight. That was, until his feet pattered down the wooden dock, and he took his first step onto the earth of the island. The comprehension suddenly filled his mind with never-before-heard worry, like his blood turning cold.
Perhaps beforehand, his thoughts were too constantly occupied with hunting down the enemy or memories and daydreams of Gon. But now, when he was suddenly rid of those thoughts kept justified by distance, harmful ones flooded in.
What if Gon... had changed his mind? What if the amount of time Killua had left him, abandoned him for, had made Gon resent him? Even worse, what if... it was all just a lie in the first place, just a joke? What if Killua had imagined the entirety of his last visit...? He stood completely frozen in the middle of the dirt path, dread and anxiety beginning to spread into his veins.
The longer he stood there, with Alluka tugging curiously at his sleeve, the more he realized that these thoughts weren't new. He had simply cast them out of the way, ignoring them for more selfish things to imagine. He was dumbfounded. It was rather uncharacteristic of him to do any of that.
But he guessed when it came to Gon, things about Killua changed.
It was the reason he never called Gon about being able to finally visit. Fear. He was scared that Gon would say something in return that might be something along the lines of "No, don't come. I don't want to see you."
He smiled sadly and had a weird thought. Gon, you're the only one who's able to absolutely terrify me. Illumi would have said it was pathetic.
But who cared what Illumi thought? So Killua finally let himself be pulled by Alluka's tugs.
They walked silently up the same path as before, their shoes crunching softly against the dirt. Grass once again brushed their legs, and the sun this time was overbearing, and made them sweat in the heat.
But it was nothing Killua hadn't felt in worse volume before, what with his heat resistance training and all.
"Big brother, are you okay?" asked Alluka curiously, stopping in front of him.
"Hm?" Killua stopped and looked up from staring at the ground with his hands in his pockets. "W-well..."
Alluka sighed. "You remember that flower Gon gave you last time?"
Killua opened up his stance and started blushing a bit. "O-oh! Of course, Alluka, o-of course! But, why would... you... eheh.."
"Maybe holding onto it will make you feel better!" she grinned and turned around without another word, resuming her hike.
Killua sighed and followed. He did have it, in fact, it was in his right pocket that entire time, and he'd been holding onto it since he left the ship. He always kept it on him, in case he needed it for... what did he need it for anyway? Emotional support? Ridiculous... but true.
That was why it wasn't in good shape at all. Not at all from neglect, quite the opposite, in fact. It was like too much care had been given to it, and it was now worn out. From being held, from being taken everywhere, from being loved selfishly.
Killua took it out and turned it carefully in his hands. He admitted it relieved him of some of the anxiety gnawing at his mind.
Before he even realized it, Killua was at Gon's door. In a heartbeat, Alluka banged on the door and stood beside it against the wall, somewhat unseen. Killua wasn't able to react. Why wasn't he able to react? He was always able to react. But this-
"I got it!" came an upbeat voice from inside, further freezing the boy. Gon's voice... it was Gon's voice, and he'd actually finally heard it again...
And then the door opened with an unassuming face looking out curiously from inside, until it became an unreadable one as it took in Killua. There he was.
Killua was unfortunately awkwardly posed in a very coincidentally stereotypical way. He stood at the door with the flower in a single hand, staring at Gon with his face bright red. Gon was still unreadable. "Killua..?"
Killua blinked. "Gon."
Uncertainty was strung in the air between them. If Gon turned Killua away, he could always run-
"You're back." Said Gon simply. More uncertain silence. Then... "You're back! KILLUAAA!!"
Gon grinned and threw his arms around his friend, embracing him in a tight hold. Killua could tell that there was more emotion in that hug than in any they'd ever had before. In an instant, he returned Gon's level of embrace, and soon the two were laughing into their shoulders, tears freeing themselves from their containment and racing down their cheeks.
"I'm so glad that you're okay." Gon said when they let go slightly, arms still resting on each other. "I mean I never doubted you for a second, but..."
"Of course. You too," replied Killua, overcome with a sudden bliss.
"Eh... hi," came Alluka's voice from her spot beside the door. She smiled innocently.
Gon turned his attention. "Ah! Allukaaaa! Hi! I said I'd play with you more this time, right? Well let's get on it, then!"
As they stepped inside, worry still tugged at Killua's mind, despite the successful reunion. Did Gon think it was still just... friendly? Was he over it? Probably. Who was Killua to think that he could ever deserve one as bright as Gon?
Killua started to make a turn towards Gon's room, when Gon suddenly blocked him with an outstretched hand. He laughed nervously. "I've, erh... got a bit of a mess piled up in there."
"Doesn't bother me," said Killua, shrugging. "I should at least put my stuff in there, right?"
Gon looked like he wanted to say something else when another figure appeared in the room. "Oooh! It's Killua and Alluka again! How sweet!" she smiled. "Why don't you two drop off your stuff and then come right back to help Gon with dinner! He's done with work for the day. Alluka, I'll take yours."
"Okay!" replied Alluka, heading towards Mito.
Killua started towards Gon's room, Gon now being unable to stop him. "Dinner? You cook real meals now?"
Gon gave a nervous laugh, following helplessly. "I've been learning a bit more stuff since last time. The food I used to make was usually very... survival efficient."
"Ah," Killua responded, nodding. He stepped into Gon's room to set down his bag, and then stopped the second he caught sight of the inside of it.
The room was an extreme contrast from the last visit, and it wasn't even just due to the papers and books piled in some places. Things were in a depressive messy state. It seemed a miracle because Gon was usually so cheerful about chores and cleanliness. The bed was undone, and looked like it had been for months. The floor was unswept and dotted with litter. Killua dropped his bag right at the entrance.
"Sorry, Killua... it's a little..."
"Shocking?" Killua finished.
Gon looked down guiltily, and nodded.
Killua felt a sudden pang in his chest, and his heart started pounding somewhat rapidly. This was because of one thought: Is this all because he deteriorated so much... from me being gone?
No, no, there was no way Killua effected someone that much, had someone who cared for him enough to act out with his absence.
As if reading his mind, Gon sighed and started on an explanation. "Normally, I would've just been really sad with you gone. You know I would've been optimistic for the future when you did come back, even with me missing you so much."
"R-right," said Killua, surprised at Gon's clarity.
Gon continued. "But... um... with what happened last time, it was such a big deal. So leaving me with that made me stop being myself a little."
Killua gulped. It really had affected Gon, too... he was about to say how much the time apart after their heavy confessions had hurt him as well, but Gon piped up suddenly.
"Well, it's okay! You're here now, and we can talk about that now... if you're okay with it."
Killua smiled softly. "Yeah, of course-"
"GON! COME DOWN AND COOK WITH YOUR FRIENDS!" A sudden enthusiastic yell from below.
Gon shrugged with an apologetic face and turned to hurry down.
As the gang got to work, Killua took in the scents he had remembered from Gon's kitchen: a slight tang of spice, leftover wafts of meals made prior, a thin sheet of crispiness, and many more indescribable fragrances.
Gon stood on a stool while stirring around the beginnings of a stew and explaining all his actions to Alluka, watching from below. Killua sat on the counter chopping onions with a knife. The other two had insisted that he do it because it made them tear up. He didn't mind.
"Oi Killua!" Gon called out before giggling ecstatically. He turned around to reveal two slices of bright red tomato hastily planted over his eyes. He stuck out his tongue playfully and laughed some more. "I'm Kurapika! I'm gonna have revenge!" He made an exaggerated angry face.
Alluka burst into laughter, understanding the crude joke from Killua's many stories. Killua too was claimed by a small fit of giggles, quickly scheming up a devious joke of his own.
He masterfully grabbed some toothpicks and a couple of olives and placed his creation on his face like glasses. "It's me, Leorio! Look at me eat this phone! Mmmm!" he put his whole hand in his mouth, making Gon and Alluka laugh hysterically.
The two joked into the evening as the scents of the meal filled the room. Alluka was a fun addition of course, providing sweet commentary at times, but she did step to the side at some points to simply watch.
"Hey, Killua," said Gon more calmly, smiling in sort of an adorable way. Shut up. "You think if we make more food together, just the two of us, it'll always be as fun?"
Killua started to feel heat in his face. "Well, we've made lots of food before..."
"No, I mean like this, in our home, in a kitchen! Somewhere fun and safe." Gon grinned expectantly.
Pushing through a choked voice, Killua answered. "Of course it will be, Gon."
"Aw, you don't have to cry!"
"The onions, Gon, the onions..." Killua rubbed at his face.
Neither mentioned that Killua had stopped chopping onions thirty minutes ago. They just smiled.
-
"I'm taking Killua out," said Gon suddenly, shoving the last of his stew into his face.
Mito, sitting across the table, looked amused. "So late..?"
Gon was already shoving his jacket back on. "Yup! We're going on a date. Cmon, Killua!"
Killua, who had been eating normally like a normal person, dropped his spoon. "G-Gon!" he spluttered, suddenly turning red (again). "At least let me finish eating..."
"You'll take care of Alluka, right Aunt Mito?" Gon asked cheerfully to the surprised figure at the table.
"S-sure..." answered Mito with a slightly concerned expression as Killua took his last large bites. "You kids have fun."
As Killua stood, Gon rushed over and put his hands on his shoulders, leading him out the door in a rush. "Okay bye!"
Once they were outside, Gon shut the door and sighed heavily. "That was kinda a weird thing of me to say."
Killua rubbed at his head awkwardly. "It's my guess that you didn't really have much of a notice to prepare for this... right?"
"Eheheh, it's fine, it's fine! We're doing it, we've got to!" Gon laughed nervously and stood up proudly, puffing his chest out.
Killua smiled guiltily. "I guess that's mostly my fault, though..."
"All good!" Gon grinned.
The night observed the both of them, and the moon, the same as it was three months ago, offered them light. There was a bit of silence as Killua tried to assess his situation. His heart lurched suddenly when he remembered Gon's passing words. A... date? Come on now... "You said this was a..."
The boy in green suddenly looked very nervous. "Y-yes! A date, if that's okay with you, and all."
He didn't know what to say. "Yes. Yeah. Sure."
"Yay! Great!" cheered Gon, looking relieved. He took a breath, seeming as if he was beginning to do something he had rehearsed many times before. His voice turned softer. "If you don't mind, shall we?" He offered an outstretched hand, a bit of blush starting to spread to his face.
Once again more shocked than he could process, Killua stood for a minute with freak-outs upon freak-outs overflowing his mind. Ohhh my god. He begged himself to take in everything into an explicit memory. And he accepted Gon's hand.
Gon giggled awkwardly as he led him down the path, stirring up fireflies as the two walked.
"So, where exactly are you taking me?"
"Ah, right!" Gon looked back at Killua, excited. "We've run all over the wilds in Whale Island together, but have you ever been in town except to just come and go?"
"Huh. Not really."
"There ya go! It's a cool place at night, you'll see!" Gon's smile didn't falter for a second as he tugged a bit harder, but still fairly gently, at Killua's hand.
He must be really excited, huh, thought Killua once amongst his many non-processable feelings. He was having a lot of thoughts, like how nice Gon looked right then, and surprisingly, he felt okay with them. And it made his feelings a lot... stronger.
After fifteen minutes of small, silent talks about how refreshing the night felt, they reached the humble port town of Whale Island. Its lights were a huge contrast against the island surrounding them, and suddenly it was harder to see into the distance.
"So, what to do first..." Gon thought aloud with a kinda cute thinking face. "Oh, I know! We just had a good dinner, right? And after a good dinner comes good-"
Killua's ears perked up like a puppy hearing about treats. "Dessert?" he blurted a little too excitedly, butting into Gon's sentence.
"See, I know you well," Gon giggled. "I know a good gelato place open late!"
Killua couldn't keep his mouth from watering at the thought, but even with such a temptation calling to him, even sugar wouldn't get the thoughts of the situation out of Killua's mind. He was still holding Gon's hand, and he was just now realizing it as he was being led through the brick roads of the small port town.
They'd held hands before of course, but not like this. It was always in the face of danger, or playfully as friends. This was a link with special care in it, fingers intertwined gently like threads in a woven basket. It made Killua feel special to Gon, like this was only their way of holding hands- past platonic, past familial.
"One vanilla and one chocolate, please!" Suddenly, they were already at the window to the shop and Gon was ordering. When Gon let go of his hand to ruffle for money in his bag, Killua felt like giving a whimper, losing something he had put every ounce of comfort into for the past twenty five minutes or so.
The two sat at a table facing a water wheel and watched it turn infinitely. Conversation eventually came, occupying the boys' thoughts once more.
"So what do you think, hm?" Gon asked through a mouthful of gelato.
Killua swallowed. "Well the texture is just delightful, but the real enjoyment lies in the taste, and just how much sugar-"
Gon laughed. "Okay. Well, no, I meant the whole... hangout so far, but you can talk about that, too."
"Oh, so this is just us hanging out now?" poked Killua, shifting into a teasing mode. "So flexible."
"Ah, sorry," replied Gon. "I guess I'm a little shy to say it sometimes, plus with all these people around..."
Killua cursed himself for what he was about to say, because by god it was gonna be embarrassingly cheesy. "Date's great, Gon. But not as great as... uh... y...o.."
As he got unbelievably red, his breath caught in his throat and he found himself struggling to say his thoughts out loud. Might be a save, he thought.
But then he saw Gon look at him expectantly, then suddenly laugh. "I didn't think you'd try to do it! But, uh, looks a bit like you'll have to work a bit on mastering your, uhhh..."
Killua gulped. "Flirting," he admitted extremely flatly, looking as far away from Gon as he could manage. It made Gon giggle once again, his joy being a beacon for Killua to feel a little better.
"Weird," the boy commented, scratching at his spiky black hair. "It's all so new, isn't it?"
Killua sighed. "You can say that again. Just a few days ago, I was experiencing turmoil practically unmatched by anything. And that is saying a hell of a lot. And yet, here I am now."
"Turmoil?" Gon prodded curiously at the mention.
"Ah, nothing, just what you would expect when you have to fight a bad guy and be away from the person you like for so long." Killua tried to string his thoughts together into a sentence to make it all sound not so bad.
Gon nodded. "Yeah... it was really hard, wasn't it? Probably more for you, but I was having a real hard time, too."
They sat silently with their thoughts until they finished, getting up to return their dishes and head onwards to the next destination. Gon reclaimed Killua's hand without a second thought and set off.
It was then that the knowledge of the inevitability of something dawned on Killua. The last time he was on Whale Island, he and Gon had brought up something a couple of times. The fact that, well, kissing was a thing, it existed. He'd even admitted that he wanted to do it, just a little bit though (okay, maybe actually a lot), but they left it at that. Probably for the best, because they both would have not been prepared at all for something of that emotional value. But, three months later, they were here now. It was... plausible. Implied to occur, even.
What kind of intrusive harassment is this Killua realized as his thoughts wandered dangerously into daydream territory. It was something he thought about way too often, shrinking at the shame, and just then it was the worst because Gon was right there.
The pretty lights from the surrounding buildings made it dangerously romantic. Killua swore under his breath.
They stopped in front of a small shop with its lights already out. "It's closed right now," Gon started, "but this is one of my favorite little places!"
A charmingly carved sign spelled out the words "Fisher's Place." Windows displayed previews of nets, dry bait, and fishing rods.
"Woooah," Killua breathed in as he took in this part of Gon's life. "This is where you got your fishing rod!"
Gon smiled wider. "And all the bait and practice for my cool rod skills!"
"Little do they know just how significant their sale was, huh?" Killua returned his smile warmly.
"Man, I wish we could go in right now. It would make such a perfect little moment." Gon put on a thinking face. He reached for the door as if to make a statement, and it unexpectedly cracked open. The two gasped quietly.
Killua "hmm"d. "They must have forgotten to lock it."
"Oh well! Maybe we should find them?" Gon shrugged.
After hesitating for a moment, Killua shook his head. "But you said you wanted to go inside. Maybe we could... just take a look?"
"Mmm... okay. It's not like it has optimal security or anything. Whale Island is a little secluded." Gon cracked the door wider and peeked in before sneaking in himself.
Killua followed silently, almost invisible. "Your luck is wild, I swear." Anybody but Gon would have lost track of him and been unable to point him out in the new dimness.
The shop was mostly dark but had a thin veil of light coming in from the outside. It made Gon look especially contrasted, mostly glowing in the little light. A pretty picture as he ran about the store gazing at the small things he liked.
Killua sat on a barrel and let Gon point out things here and there with him watching. It was like watching an adorable puppy show all its toys to a visitor. Ugh, weird comparison. But Killua still kept observing, gazing helplessly as Gon had his moment.
The boy soon hopped up onto another barrel beside Killua. "Alrighty! That should do it! You wanna be done here?"
"Hah, I dunno, it's really quite nice here," answered Killua with a fond tone. "All dark and private, just us."
The two looked away from each other suddenly. Wow, I did not just say that, Killua thought to himself.
"It's okay, Killua! I mean, now that you say it, I guess i think so too. Besides, you look so pretty in how the lights look here, and all." Gon shrugged, probably to hide his sudden nervousness.
Killua's chest felt a very weird pang and he blushed the worst he had for a while. "D-damn you! You can't say that out of nowhere, you know! It's too wild.."
Gon frowned, his spirits fading. "Oh, sorry, I... thought it would be a good time." He kept looking down.
Though he started feeling bad, Killua didn't know what to say in response, so he said nothing. Because he sure couldn't say "No, that actually made me really suddenly happy... it's probably something you'll make me think about forever... curse you for making me think about you so much." It was just too risky, let alone embarrassing.
Gon sighed. "So... what do we do now?"
The shop was drenched in a new layer of awkwardness as they stayed silent. This was definitely no longer the moment for large moves, and both of them understood that.
After too long, far too long, Killua spoke up. "Weren't there any other places in town you wanted to visit with me?" Maybe getting out of that awkward loneliness would raise their confidence again.
Gon raised his hands. "Ah, right! Hah... but it was gonna be..." he trailed off.
"Hm?"
"Ah, nothing. Let's go!" Gon rushed to the door and held it open for him.
As soon as the two stepped outside, they were met with a grizzly blockade. He towered over them menacingly, keys jingling in his hands. "Forgot about this... but I won't forget about you." His laugh was laced with ill intentions.
Killua instinctively reacted to make a protective barrier in front of Gon, and stiffened his stance. "You sure about that?"
"Killua, no!" Gon whispered from behind him. "No killing honest Whale Island residents!"
He started whispering back. "Well I could just knock him-"
"Too late!" he shouted, quickly grabbing Killua's hand and pulling hard. He started sprinting, dragging the other boy along with him.
"Gon, I could've taught him a lesson!"
"We were the ones breaking the law! Oh what will Aunt Mito say about this?!"
"Slow down! He's not even trying to follow! He's just kinda... staring... distantly." He raised an eyebrow suspiciously.
Gon started to slow his pace. "Okay, okay."
The two came to a stop and panted mildly, still on their feet. The moment both had regained full energy, they collapsed into a fit of laughter.
"That was so fun! The adrenaline was REAL!" Gon shouted.
"And we weren't in any actual sudden danger of dying!" joked Killua, referencing the many times that had been the case.
Gon calmed his laughter and looked at Killua curiously. "I get you were joking, but that kinda did happen a lot, huh."
"Yeah," he agreed, turning a little more serious. "So where did you wanna go again?"
Gon smiled. "We're here now, actually."
The two were in an interesting space. They were at the very edge of town, to the very left side of the port area. It was somewhat darker and lonelier, being its distance from the main town, but still open and with a view in many directions: the town, the sea, the island wilds, the ships docked and those far out at sea, leaving or coming in.
"There's a lot you can see from here," commented Killua, sitting on an unused wooden crate.
Gon made a sound of agreement. "Yeah. Now that we're actually here, though, I don't wanna skip past our last topic there."
The dim chorus of crickets echoed silently behind them. "Hm?" Killua tilted his head.
Gon stood across from Killua, leaning his weight on a box and facing him. "We used to put our lives at risk a lot. And the way you were raised, you could've died at any time. It's just weird, I guess. All I want now is to be... happy and safe."
Killua shrugged, admiring Gon's wishes. "Well, when we did that, it was for your goals. Or to help your friends, or avenge your dad's pal."
"Our friends," corrected Gon, making Killua roll his eyes. "But you're pointing it out yourself right there. It all felt like it was for me. Nothing was in that for you, Killua... so why did you risk your life so many times at all?"
"Because.." Killua started to stall a bit by just letting that hang.
Gon looked at him expectantly. "Be honest, Killua? For me? Pleeeeeease?"
Killua gave a nod, and started speaking silently. "Because I wanted to stay with you. No matter what I'd have to do or risk. And now I..." he could not finish saying his thought out loud, it being something he was admitting to himself at that moment, too. I love you.
Was it too early? Were they too young? Possibly a very strong, resounding yes. But Killua couldn't help it, whatever had made him like this, whatever had caused him to utterly, embarrassingly, accidentally fall.
"If that's true," Gon began to respond, "why does it take you so long to open up? To even admit that stuff? It just seems like even now, you're kinda avoiding taking steps and getting close, even though I can tell you really want to."
Killua gulped, surprised by Gon's accurate assessment of the situation. If he could gather all that, it was no use holding back. Here goes nothing. Killua's blue eyes gained a shine as they reflected the dark water and sky, little stars sparkling in them and promising truth in every misty sheen.
"Well, Gon, the truth is... after everything, still I just don't think I deserve you and how great you are. It's why I broke down sobbing when I couldn't help you. It's why I risked playing with deadly powers to heal you. It's why I... stood on those tracks that night, in the darkest place I'd ever been, terrified with the knowledge I'd betrayed you. I really, really, really care about you, Gon. You're everything to me. Without you, I'm nothing. You make me feel special."
The waves beneath them swelled with significance, stirring up the heavy silence. Killua was too emotional to think, to even breathe right, after all that.
Gon took in everything, looking at Killua with an expression of wonder. He then smirked. "You still don't get it, huh?"
"What, is this a joke to you or somethin'?" Accused Killua, becoming frustrated. "I didn't think anything would come of this, anyway-"
"YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR ME IF ANYTHING!" Gon yelled suddenly, screwing up his eyes and drastically changing the previously calm mood. Killua stared in surprise, eyes wide. Gon continued. "I want you to not hold back. Because everything you want, I want it too! I think you're cool, I think you're great, I think you're pretty! And you are. For real! And no matter if I'm with or without you, you really need to know that even on your own, you're not nothing."
Killua was still in shock, having completely unexpected a situation like this. Of the two of them, the one to actually come out with all their feelings... "Gon..."
Face wrought unnaturally with tears, twisted from emotion, Gon opened up his arms, as if subtly asking if a hug at that time was alright. Killua thought his face looked nicer than ever. So of course he didn't object.
Gon clung onto Killua, standing with his legs straightened out, while Killua remained sitting on the crate, digging his face into Gon's hair. He wrapped his arms and legs around him, feeling truly loved as not just a friend for the first time. Gon's tears disappeared into Killua's shoulder, making him release a stream of his own into his hair.
Gon began genuinely sobbing as he started speaking again. "W-when nobody could heal me, when I was super badly hurt, you risked it all to help me... a-and you got nothing from it..."
"I got you back. That was all I wanted." Killua reassured him.
Gon choked as he started to ease up a little. He let Killua rub his back gently, hoping to calm him. They stayed like that until Gon was done crying and finally stopped clutching so hard onto him, not fully letting go but giving some room to be open.
"Please don't ever think of doing something like you did when you stood on those tracks ever again..." he begged.
Killua sighed softly. "Of course not."
The two seemed to begin to realize just how emotionally vulnerable they were being with each other, and small nervous laughs filled the cracks of sadness. Killua lifted his head and rested one of his hands in Gon's hair instead.
"Anyway, that's really enough... wow, I'm sorry.." Gon started to smile.
"Anytime, anytime," said Killua cheerfully, glad to throw the night back into a happier mood.
Gon looked him back in the eyes. "Say, Killua. Would you do that thing you did last time? You know..."
"Nah, what thing?" Asked Killua, his heart starting to race.
"You know, when we woke up, and I said you could do anything. That thing."
"Oh," Killua smiled. "Of course." He pushed Gon's hair back a bit and leaned down to kiss his forehead, this time with less awkwardness and clumsiness. Far better.
The feeling was like Killua remembered it last time, like a soft feeling spreading through his face, silk on his cheeks and a pleasant burning feeling beneath his eyes. But this time, it wasn't over yet. This time...
"This time, can I..?" Killua truly felt himself start to shake, nervousness overtaking his body. His breath was uneven and difficult to push through his squeezing, burning chest. What he had daydreamed for almost a year, what he had beat himself up for wanting, cursing himself for being so selfish, was it really actually going to happen?
"Mhm, I'm ready," Gon answered, looking up once more. He, too, started showing signs of nervousness, having to prepare himself, too.
There was no turning back now. Oh my god. Oh my god... Am I really...
Chest tight, arms shaking, Killua told himself that he had to just go for it. He brought both his hands to hold Gon's face and closed his eyes.
And he went for it.
You've heard of it, right? That exact moment where everything changes. The small click as you turn on a light switch and fill a dark room with vision, seeing many new things you didn't expect to be there, an entire other dimension. This was the thought that first crossed Killua's mind as it happened.
Short, small, sweet. Obviously, neither knew how to do much more than that. In fact, it was a reach to say they knew what they were doing at all. But neither of them cared about the unavoidable clumsiness and awkwardness of it, of course. There was a lot, oh, a lot more to think about then that.
First of all: Holy fucking shit. That was all.
Secondly: It was nice. Difficult to describe past that. And there was not much room for thought left in Killua's mind anyway. His attention was mostly purely focused on that moment, on understanding what he was doing.
It was over in an instant, but the feeling still lingered.
They looked at each other for a small moment before exploding into nervous realization.
"Erh- geez-" Killua looked away immediately, panicking slightly. He reached his hands up, taking them off of Gon. "Hm."
"Eheh," Gon nervously chuckled, stepping sideways.
Killua started fidgeting with his hands. "So. Did you hate it?"
"WHAT! You're ridiculous!" Gon put on an angry face. "I think you mean more like really like it! Dummy..."
Killua scoffed. "Okay, sure," he accepted casually. In reality, he was absolutely beaming inside. Nothing could be like this. Nothing.
Gon shifted back into a thinking face. "Well, I gotta bring it up sometime... so. We can't really call ourselves friends now, can we?"
Killua's heart struck up again. "Well what exactly do you mean..?" He asked. "Like..."
"A pair. A couple, even," Gon explained, nervously gesturing. "I dunno. Would you wanna be that?"
"Yes," answered Killua without a moment's hesitation. He held out his hand for Gon to take, who took the signal. They just smiled.
Killua thought the word "boyfriend" sounded pretty strange, something very foreign indeed. But it was just like how he'd felt about the word "friend" back when he tried to find one in Canary, and even still when he did in Gon years later. It didn't make it a bad thing. Just new, with odes of potential.
"Hey, you have that flower, right? Can I see it?" Gon asked.
He was embarrassed by its over-cared state, and wondered how Gon knew it was still on him. Nonetheless, he reached into his pocket and handed it over to Gon, who handled it gently.
"Thank you, Killua. For all this. For all that you do when I can't see, and for everything you give me and make me feel."
Killua smiled. "I should really be thanking you. Who knows what sort of an awful place I would be in if you simply didn't exist? Now that would be a world I couldn't live in."
"Me neither, for sure," said Gon. He laughed and tucked the flower behind Killua's ear in what was probably a pretty cheesy gesture, but Killua didn't mind much. He couldn't help but like it a bit.
He spoke up again. "So, now you're for real gonna visit a lot, right?"
"I'll aim for once a week," answered Killua with a finger gun. "If the dysfunctional goons don't find someone else to hold me back. But even so, it'll still be fine. I can just deal with them."
"I know you will!" Gon grinned. "Ah, well a lot of things are closing now. It's probably time for the night to end."
Fueled with the feelings of lighthearted musings, they walked back to Gon's home in the dark.
-
A fleck of dust blew into a room that overflowed with comfort, through a slightly open window casting moonlight onto the walls.
Two boys were wrapped gently in freshly scented, cool air, gaining warmth from their thoughts. They silently drifted away, with careless dreams awaiting them. Their sheets were light and soft, bundling them together in their sleep.
And this time, Killua really held onto Gon.