Chapter Text
Looking back, Katsuki can pinpoint the exact moment everything started going wrong. It had been a rough week, even by his standards for everyone. So maybe it shouldn't have hit him as hard as it did. Or as hard as it would come to hit. But what can you do after two and half weeks of little to no sleep, internship battles and exams on top of it?
Kaminari was following him through the kitchen and dorms, he had just gotten back from an intense training session and with how the week had gone, he didn't have the energy to shove the annoying chatterbox away. He opened the fridge, tiredly looking over the contents as the blonde menace behind him was suddenly on top of him, stopping mid ramble to exclaim, "There's one left? Hell yeah!"
The excitable boy grabbed the last sports drink and pulled back, opening it and downing a great gulp as Katsuki felt his eye twitch and then his fatigue disappeared as a wave of red hot anger flared bright and abrupt through his body. He slammed the door of the refrigerator and threw his hands up, "God damn Pikachu! What the hell is wrong with you?"
He vaguely registered a surprisingly soft murmur from the redhead at the table, but paid it no mind. Not when Kaminari looked at him with bright and mischief-filled eyes, "I beat you to the last one! See that, Kacchan?"
The childhood nickname grated at inflamed nerves and Katsuki exploded again, sparks on his palms but nowhere near his classmate as he gave a primal scream and gestured rudely, "What the hell does your noodle-armed ass need with a sports drink? You barely work out!"
Denki frowned and Eijirou looked up from where he's been sitting with his head down. The sharp toothed boy sighed heavily, his voice sharper than Katsuki had heard it, "Leave him alone and for Kami's sake can't you be quiet for once?"
"Hah? What'd you say to me, Shitty Hair?" Katsuki turns to him in mild shock.
But Eijirou wasn't playing, "I said to be quiet for once in your life Bakugou. No one's in the mood."
Katsuki stared at Eijirou before throwing a sullen look to Denki, "Fine. The drink isn't even that good anyways."
He grabbed a meal replacement shake and stalked off to his bedroom, still fuming but with an undercurrent of something dark he couldn't name yet. He shoved it forcefully from his mind, as he started on his homework. He ignored the knocks on his door summoning him for dinner. Every time he thought about joining the class, an image of Eijirou's face and his words seemed to replay in his head. Instead he dug out a couple protein bars and ate them as he finished his homework and decided to go to sleep early. Maybe then the thought of his best friend's harsh tone and exasperation on his face wouldn't keep spinning through his mind.
Sleep came easily enough, but upon further examination of his feelings in his morning shower, he couldn't shake the thoughts of Eijirou snapping at him. Katsuki thought Eijirou at the very least didn't mind how loud he was. Had he been wrong? Was Eijirou... Had he been faking liking Katsuki? The redhead was the first person Katsuki had ever felt truly liked him for himself. Deku didn't count after all, he had thought he was looking down on him this entire time until last year. But if Eijirou was lying? What about the other extras? Did none of the others like him either?
And if he wasn't lying, or faking or whatever was going through the redhead's mind, where did that leave him? Did he just get tired of dealing with Katsuki's brash self? An unreasonable flare of annoyance rose at that. He bit back the urge to scrub furiously at his skin at that, fingers tightening on the knobs of the shower. How could he deal with this? Clearly he wasn't doing a good job of ignoring it, or forgetting about it. Did he try to accommodate Eijirou's demand? That left a nasty taste in his mouth that all the tooth brushing in the world couldn't get rid of. He continued thinking as he dressed for the day.
But... What if he decided to be petty? It wasn't his usual way of doing things, granted. But he would show Shitty Hair. Quiet Katsuki wasn't fun, wasn't better than he was now. Quiet Katsuki was just fake. Mind made up, and officially ready for class he headed to class, managing to avoid class 1-A by being first as usual.
When Tenya entered after half the class, he immediately started his hand chopping motions, "Bakugou I don't know why you can't just respect the school and keep your feet off the desk! It's disgraceful!"
He barely remembered to lower his tone in time, growling out, "I don't know why you can't see your useless fucking nagging, is just that! Useless. Leave me the hell alone Sonic."
Tenya puffed up, his hand chopping getting more pronounced but Katsuki just rolled his eyes and ignored it, gaze drifting behind him to Izuku who was looking at him curiously. Katsuki sneered and turned back around, dropping his feet just in time as Aizawa entered to start class.
It was possibly the hardest day of his entire existence. But he hadn't snapped at anyone once. And Shitty Hair had sat beside him at lunch as though he hadn't snapped at him yesterday. No one commented on his behavior. In fact everyone seemed to be acting normal, even his self proclaimed Squad. And admittedly that made him irritated.
When Hanta hooked an arm around his neck and hung off him to ask, "Video games in my room later? Denks is bringing snacks."
The thought of hours spent on video games that would only make him yell and ruin his plan, grated at his nerves but he grits his teeth and grinds out, "Uh, no... Gonna go for a run or something... ton of fucking homework too. And don't bother me tonight about it either."
Hanta ruffled his hair, and Katsuki's nails dug into his palms with the effort not to yell no matter how he might have liked the show of affection. Instead he's met with salutes, and promises to not wake him. He changed into his workout clothes and after a moment, he chose a workout room instead, letting out a primal scream as he went to the mannequins and worked out the frustration of the day.
He didn't stop until he was on his back in the middle of the floor. He stared up at the ceiling, panting and exhausted but apparently not enough so his mind just swirled with the events of the say. Or rather, the non-events. No one commented. No one noticed. His plan to make Shitty Hair regret it hadn't worked. Did he need to do it for more than a day? He groaned and pushed himself up to sit, one hand raised to scrub at his face. This was hard. But Katsuki was many things and a quitter wasn't one of them. So it'd take more than a day. He wouldn't break first. If Shitty Hair wanted him to be quiet he would be. He would see how much worse it was when he was quiet.
He showered and headed to his room, ignoring the class though his "Squad" was nowhere to be seen. Deku waved at him and Katsuki narrowed his eyes, forcing himself to nod before heading to the stairs and up to his room. He fell asleep less easily than the night before, sleep hovering just out of reach for what felt like forever.
It was two days before the next blow to his pride. He had kept himself in check, softening his volume and not even yelling at Shitty Deku when he crashed into him at training. He had just pushed him away and told him to open his eyes next time. He didn't screech when Kaminari bumped him at lunch, spilling his closely guarded hot sauce onto the table and his lap. No, he had just left, knowing if he even attempted to open his mouth he would lose his top.
That all led to him here, in the middle of the squad as they watched possibly the most boring movie in existence. Even the shitty nerd was drifting off, head back against the back of the couch. As the credits begin to roll, Ears stands to stretch, "Glad someone didn't ruin the movie by screaming all night, am I right guys?"
Katsuki froze where he was, and his friends tensed around him. He couldn't make sense of the pressure on his chest or behind his eyes. He registered a hand on his shoulder, tight like it was holding him back. And Eijirou is looking at him worriedly, Mina's face right beside his. Denki was gaping at him and Sero... Sero looked worried. But it's finally Mina who broke the tense atmosphere, giving a clearly fake laugh, "Ha ha ha.... Blasty's right here Jirou."
The girl's eyes widened and she stared at Katsuki but Katsuki was getting up, ignoring everyone as he silently made his way from the common room. He doesn't even slam the door to the stairs, he just let it close. And in the safety of his room he took a sudden and harsh breath, fist pressed tightly against his chest as his breathing picked up pace, confusion and what he slowly realized was panic swirled and fought for dominance. He sunk to the floor behind his door, forcing his head between his knees as he tried to get his breathing under control.
It took him longer than what he wanted. He wasn't sure how much time passed until he finally was able to unfurl himself and rubbed a hand down his face. He cursed quietly when he realized the wetness he felt was tears. Too tired to deal with it tonight, he crawled in bed, a few long drinks taken from a water before he curled up under the blanket, a vicious cycle of thoughts spinning through his mind.
Traitorous whispers sounded:
They really do like it better when you're quiet.
Wow they don't even notice you when you're not exploding on everyone.
Weak to have such a reaction to your friends showing you how they best like you.
The whispers that felt like snakes slithering through his thoughts changed then, booming furious shouts sounded instead, nails digging into his palms at the familiar heat of anger. They can't handle me? Fine. Fucking fine. I'll be the quietest person in UA. And then maybe... The fire dims and dies, his inner voice growing smaller and quieter in a way he was both relieved by and yet hated, Maybe they'll like that... maybe they'll like me. For real this time. He fell asleep clutching his blanket to him.
He found himself avoiding everyone more than usual that morning. He didn't go to class early. Instead he watched from a tactical vantage point, absolutely not a hiding spot, as Jirou snuck out of the dorm to hover by the doors. A sick feeling erupted in his stomach, Jirou waited there and then outside of the classroom doors. Katsuki watched her from another tactical vantage point, cursing in his head as he was nearly late as he ran in after she finally went to her seat. He saw her start to stand but then Aizawa entered and she had to sit. He slowly let out the sigh of relief.
Between classes, he risked shoving earphones in his ears and pretended to be absorbed in his book, ignoring even Eijirou. He wanted to be nice, to see what she had to say, even entertained the thought that it might be an apology, but nausea rolled through his stomach every time he thought about speaking to her. He swallowed hard before rushing out the door as soon as they were dismissed for training. It was going to be a long day.
He did however try to employ his newly decided tactics the next day when Eijirou caught him before his usual afternoon training, the redhead was in his usual attire when he asked, a bright smile on his face, "Bakubro! Time for a training sesh? I can come with. It's been a minute since I've spotted you!"
Katsuki nearly says yes, he wanted to. But then Eijirou would be inconvenienced, he would have to go find clothes to change into and Katsuki would get irritated waiting for him. And that went against the, be quieter goal. So he shook his head, looked away from him and muttered, "It's fine. Supposed to work on solo training today. Maybe tomorrow Shit-Kirishima."
As the redhead stared at him with a shocked look, Katsuki turned to walk away, seeing from the corner of his eye as the others came up and looked after him worriedly. Training felt lonelier that day, he found himself wishing that he had said yes, or asked someone else. Even Icyhot would have been better than the lonely reps.
However, he first realized he didn't know how to be nice when he attempted to do it with Sero, looking over his homework. Or at least, that his attempts at being nice were failing. He corrected what needed it and slammed it down in front of him with a gruff, "You didn't fucking do horribly."
But Sero just deflated and looked up at him, "I tried really hard on this one since you were busy. I swear."
Katsuki narrowed his eyes, defensive for some unknown reason, "I said it wasn't fucking horrible Soy Sauce Face. I'm not going to lie and let you get away with turning in the wrong shit."
When even that didn't cheer the tape quirk user up, he huffed and stalked off, trying to figure out on the way to class what he did wrong. He flopped down on his desk, uncharacteristically quiet even when Deku tripped over the leg of his desk. The nerd flinched and anything that had been hovering on the tip of his tongue died. He ignored it, turning back to the coursework he had on his desk.
He ended up paired with Shitty Deku again for training, and in an effort to be nice, to be quiet, he actually listened when the rambling strategy started. As much as Deku's ability to get sidetracked and go off on tangents grated at his nerves, he agreed to the plan he had. Offering two adjustments that would make things easier, he was vaguely surprised to see Deku's wide smile followed by an easy acceptance. His heart thumped once, hard against his chest and he barely had time to process that before they had to take off.
They won, of course. And Katsuki suffered Deku to walk beside him on the way back to class. His hands were shoved deep in his pockets as he made an effort again to listen to the rambling that had grated at his nerves for all the long years he had known the nerd. Uncaring of the students around them, he interrupted Deku to say with none of the heat that was previously always in his tone, "If you'd keep your brain fucking on one track for the most part your scores on everything would improve, Shitty Nerd."
Deku gaped at him, eyes wide and then the purple haired freak from Gen. Ed decided to speak, "Fucking hell Bakugou, is that your way of trying to be nice? I think I'd rather go seven rounds with Eraser."
Katsuki stared at Hitoshi, tongue lying thick and heavy in his mouth as he looked back to Izuku who seemed to be in shock, frozen and staring at the blonde. No defense was coming from that front. Not even from the person who had known him his whole life. He turns his back with a snapped, "Mind your own fucking business Mindfuck."
He left the two there, anger and hurt radiated from him so strongly that no one spoke to him. He entered the last class of the day and kept his focus firmly on the board, ignoring the two times he heard his name. But then he couldn't ignore what he heard, Icyhot was speaking to Kaminari, and he could only listen, Todoroki didn't know how to whisper yet after all, "Kaminari, is something really wrong with Bakugou?"
It's a moment before Kaminari answered and Katsuki wished suddenly he could see Kaminari's face. The other blonde lowered his tone but not enough that Katsuki couldn't hear him, "I think so. He's just been quiet? I thought he was planning something at first. But nothing's happened."
Todoroki seemed to think about this for a minute, and then he very seriously replied, "Maybe he has a sore throat. I'll offer him a lozenge."
He could picture the awkward head nod and Kaminari choked on a laugh, "Yeah sure man, you do that." And sure enough, before he left the room there was a couple lozenges on the corner of his desk. Feeling oddly touched, he took them.
But even still, by the time he returned to the dorm, he was done with today, the reminders of his failures swirling in his mind all the way through after school workouts, homework, and even plagued him after. Until finally, he got up to open his laptop, hesitating, he slowly typed into the search bar, every letter branded into his brain as another failure, 'How to be nice to your friends.'
His heart thumped against his chest again, even as he pressed send. Article after article came up and with a resigned sigh, he started to read. This new... whatever it was, would not beat him. He wouldn't let it. A somewhat cheesy quote from what he thinks is a children's movie stuck out, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."
He had already been quiet. Making less conversation, speaking quieter, and even ignoring situations where his anger pricks under his skin hotly. And now being nice meant he would speak even less? He had to pick this... this fake way of speaking if he wanted people to like him? What next? He would be holding babies and carousing with children through meadows?
He felt sick even if he understood a little better about how to be nice. His dinner churned in his belly and he fought to keep it down until he could move. He went and laid down, staring at the ceiling as though it could offer answers until he fell into uneasy sleep.
He tried. He truly did try. But the heavy weight of his failure continued to haunt him, and the simpering, fake words were hard to let from his tongue. So he tried to take action. He first politely asked everyone to leave the kitchen. And then he began gathering ingredients to make dinner for the class. Something he never did. Occasionally he would cook for his "Squad" but only occasionally. And they all said his cooking was the best so this should work.
Right? Insecurity plays hide and seek through his thoughts, did everyone like Katsudon? He knew his crew and Deku did. But what if any of the others didn't? What if they thought he purposely targeted them? He tensed, and paid no mind to those passing through the kitchen, at least until Invisabitch spoke from beside him.
He didn't jump, but her flippant, "Your aura is really bringing down how good this smells. So dark and gloomy. How do you even make cooking grumpy, Bakugou?"
The reminder of his bleak thoughts made him grit his teeth, a loop of, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all," playing through his mind. Until finally he just grunted at her and she moved off.
Once the food was done, Katsuki left it for them to plate and when he exited the kitchen, he spotted Tokoyami. He had a bento for himself wrapped up, but he stood in front of the shorter man and took a breath before he said, slowly and calmly, "Can you... I mean will you... Ple-" He cut himself off in frustration before starting again, "Will you tell everyone dinner is ready." He winced as he realized how much it still sounded like an order instead of a request, and he tried to soften it with a, "Pl-please." He cursed the stutter silently, embarrassment taking over so quickly he turned and sped off to his room without waiting for an answer. Ears hot from the blood rushing to his head, and in a rush to escape the situation, he didn't hear Tokoyami's reply.
Texts from his classmates came in that night. Thanking him for the food and compliments on it that managed to lift his spirits. He was good at something besides violence. And this proved it. Maybe he could do this.
He fell asleep easier than he had in the past few days, a ballooning feeling in his chest making him feel lighter than he had in... a good while. He remembered something similar happening when he perfected his AP shot.
He was slowly starting to get the hang of this whole; be nice or be quiet routine. It was hard, when anyone said something stupid, or people were clumsy. Sometimes even when they just spoke to him. But he learned that silence was just as powerful as shouting and oftentimes got the bothering person to move away faster.
Grunts weren't inherently loud or mean and could be passed off as anything. He liked using them. They felt more like him than anything that came out of his mouth recently.
__________
Aizawa had them do simple training on this particular day. Currently they were running, without quirks. Lap after lap. Some of his classmates were doing better than others, Denki and Mina were falling behind, though he was mildly impressed with them continuing as long as they had. He was coming up on them to lap them, and he sacrificed his lead to fall in step with them, he panted alongside them for a minute, rounding the point where Aizawa stood just as he got his breath back, "Come on extras. You've got this! A couple more laps and you could catch up to me!" He paired it with a grin and a challenging look but Denki and Mina gave him exasperated looks.
And not twenty feet further, Aizawa called him out with a tired sounding call of, "Bakugou! Back here!"
Confused, Katsuki turned to go back to Aizawa, the gap between him and Iida, Deku, and Todoroki widening as he did. He frowns but that's nothing new. He ran in place in front of Aizawa who sighed and said blandly, "Don't be condescending. Mina and Kaminari are going much better than last time. And it's not right for you to belittle their progress like that."
Katsuki stared, sputtering as he tried to defend himself for once, "But that's not- I wasn-"
Aizawa cut him off, waving a hand, "You're dismissed. Don't worry about it."
Katsuki abruptly turned at the dismissal, the unfairness of the accusation mixed with frustration at not even being able to explain had him pushing himself, passing the stragglers again as his focus narrowed to the track in front of him. He passed the others and set a personal and school wide best by the end of it. And if his calves and thighs trembled in the showers after... well no one needed to know that. If the water coursing down his face was saltier than normal? He ignored it. This was feeling even more hopeless. If all Aizawa saw in him was... someone who didn't know how to be nice ... If the man who had spoken up for him and defended him, couldn't see that he was trying? What use was it?
He spent so long under the hot water that he was late to the meeting he had with Izuku and All Might. He tried not to feel a hot flare of jealousy when he opened the door to see Izuku and All Might chatting lightly over a cup of tea, their blonde mentor laughing.
He tried not to scowl when they both looked up at him and he cleared his throat before giving a rough, "Sorry. I pushed too hard in training. The hot water..."
He trailed off and Izuku nodded, turning to All Might to exclaim, "Kacchan did amazing today! He set a new school wide record for laps! You should have seen how fast he was! Even without his Quirk!"
Katsuki felt an odd warmth start to bloom in his belly, Izuku's admiration like the sun after days of rain. He tried to offer a smile but he thought there might have been too many teeth as he gave a surprisingly genuine, "Thanks Deku. You... did... well, too." The compliment felt fake despite how he meant it. But he squashed that feeling down, desperately trying to keep the genuine feeling.
But even Izuku's amazed expression doesn't stop the rain from abruptly clouding over the light that had bloomed when All Might spoke, "Wow! Young Midoriya you must really be a positive influence on Young Bakugou! Look at him, being a true friend!" As the sunlight is snuffed out at the statement, Katsuki's foul mood slammed back into place as their mentor continued with a warm smile, "I hope you both continue to learn from each other."
He felt as though he had been punched. His success, for it was success at a compliment being truly received was now sour. His victory placed squarely on Izuku's shoulders no matter how the nerd stuttered. He turned his head, staring at the wall as they eventually moved on to One for All. He listened, needing to know but he didn't comment. When they left, he broke away from Izuku, ignoring the boy for once in the past couple of weeks as he decided to walk around for a while.
Eventually he felt he could no longer avoid it, tired of stewing in his mind. Maybe Mina and Denki would be okay with him asking to join a game night, or just... be in the group's presence. There was a practical black hole tearing at his chest and he didn't want to be alone. Mind made up, he trudged back to the dorm, scrolling through the messages on his phone, all a few days old.
He opened the door, heading inside only to be stopped just out of sight of the doorway. It was loud, shrieks and loud laughter carrying as well as some sort of music. He's pretty sure it's Round Cheeks that shrieked, "Kaminari! That was my game piece!"
He peered around the corner only to find the entire class in the common area, two or three game stations set up. He stayed silent as he watched, seeing the smiles on everyone's faces, even Tokoyami and Jirou. It made his gut twist painfully and he swallowed, tears pricked his eyes as he tried to picture himself walking in. He heard phantom cries of his name, of a loud greeting he would give and even what game set up he would join. He heard the taunts he would give when he won, heard the phantom sound of his own yells and saw the phantom expressions of those he played, frowns replacing smiles and his hand darted up to press over his mouth as he turned and ran from the building. As he started to move he was hit like a full on much in his already painfully twisting gut, with the realization that they didn't even invite him. Uncaring of how the door slammed this time and the sounds from within stopped as he ran as far away as he could, vision blurring as hot tears welled up and escaped.